Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

AIBU in feeling this rage with my DH

52 replies

Kitten3 · 26/08/2020 18:57

Last night was first night out with DH and we had a great time without our usual baggage of three young children.
On the way home, it started to absolutely pelt it down with rain. Across the road was a young woman wearing a white t shirt that got slightly soaked. My b husband kept looking over repeatedly.

I’ve been feeling absolutely incandescent with rage since then. He has form for this, always checking other women out, he must think I’m bloody blind. In the past I’ve just dismissed it. But for some reason, last night was the last straw.
He has no idea why I’ve gone all cold. Am
I being completely nuts?
I just feel really unhappy that he can’t even have the decency to behave appropriately- I’ve no problem with checking out attractive people, but I wouldn’t do it openly in the presence of a partner.

What would you do??

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 26/08/2020 18:59

Can’t say it would bother me, or not enough to rage, I’d just laugh and say something like “oi perv, stop staring, 🤣”

BuffaloCauliflower · 26/08/2020 19:01

Literally wouldn’t bother me at all. Might even look myself.

Waveysnail · 26/08/2020 19:04

Why didnt you just open your mouth and say something instead of being all passive aggressive angry and him not knowing why

Original poster

Kitten3 · 26/08/2020 19:08

I was feeling really upset and felt that I might end up saying the wrong thing. I really do regret that.

OP posts:

BowowMttt · 26/08/2020 19:08

My ex was like this and it’s awful, just makes you feel so inadequate and insecure! I would say something at the time though rather than stew over it. It’s disrespectful, my DH has never done this to me and I’m glad! Nip it in the bud, there’s no need to ogle at people especially in front of your OH.

Bluntness100 · 26/08/2020 19:09

Incandescent with rage is a very extreme reaction. And for it to be still going on in you 24 hours later is concerning.

Is it a jealousy or insecurity thing? Most folks check out attractive people, and most folks don’t even know they are doing it. If it bothers you why didn’t you just say to him, “please don’t look at other women in front of me”

Or as I would do, laugh and say oi perv. However I would only do that if i felt the female was uncomfortable. If she didn’t even notice I couldn’t give a toss who he looked at. He’s married to me, not dead from the waist down. And I trust him implicitly.

Bluntness100 · 26/08/2020 19:10

@Kitten3

I was feeling really upset and felt that I might end up saying the wrong thing. I really do regret that.

So why are you being off with him all today and still not saying something?

TheHappyHerbivore · 26/08/2020 19:11

I would also find it gross to be with a man who ogled women. What a sleaze.

Have you ever spoken to him about it? As it’s an ongoing issue I would raise it with him.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/08/2020 19:14

If this type of behaviour has been a constant throughout your relationship, I can understand why you're fed up. It's on thing to glance at an attractive person, it's another thing entirely to oogle, stare and gawp.

BlogTheBlogger · 26/08/2020 19:14

YANBU to be annoyed, I think that is really disrespectful to check other women out when he is with you

YABU to seethe quietly, while still letting him know by your silence there is a problem. Tell him for goodness sake

Bluntness100 · 26/08/2020 19:15

Also what do you mean say the wrong thing, there is nothing wrong you can say. Are you often scared to challenge him? Do you often keep quiet in case you say the wrong thing when his behaviour upsets you?

Iyiyi · 26/08/2020 19:15

My DP would look but it wouldn’t bother me. I’m secure in our relationship and he doesn’t behave in a way that undermines that security. Do you feel your DH does? Are there other behaviours that make you feel this way?

Bluntness100 · 26/08/2020 19:15

It's on thing to glance at an attractive person, it's another thing entirely to oogle, stare and gawp

Agree, but she didn’t say he was doing that, just he kept looking over, which is more at the glance end of things.

KarmaStar · 26/08/2020 19:17

Children are not baggage.
Why didn't you say something?
He was in the wrong,no doubt about it,but you've lost the moral high ground with your passive aggressive attitude and not telling him why you are angry.
To be incandescent with rage for twenty four hours?
Talk to your dh calmly and explain why you were angry.
Whether his actions deserved this reaction I don't know.

tiredanddangerous · 26/08/2020 19:17

A glance wouldn't bother me. Repeatedly looking would.

RandomTree · 26/08/2020 19:18

YABU to sulk without telling him why. Just tell him!

MrsOldma · 26/08/2020 19:18

This wouldn’t bother me personally but I understand it could be annoying.

Just tell him you don’t appreciate the staring and that the woman probably wouldn’t either! You say he has form but have you ever challenged him? If not just tell him how it makes you feel and that you’d rather he stop it.

MrsGrindah · 26/08/2020 19:19

And what does slightly soaked mean? I think if he was being immature in ogling , you are being equally immature in not telling him why you are upset. Therefore , you are both as bad as each other so let it go!

Bluntness100 · 26/08/2020 19:20

The bigger issue isn’t he looked at some woman, the bigger issue is why you didn’t say something because you were scared to say the wrong thing and why 24 hours later he still has no idea what the issue is, and why you’re now being all passive aggressive to him and not telling him,

The checking out some woman is insignificant in comparison to the very major communication issues you’re describing.

Original poster

Kitten3 · 26/08/2020 19:21

Gosh- sorry to drip feed.

I’ve no problem with the looking. I looked. It was the repeated looking and glancing over- whilst we were talking. I felt it was rude.

Previously, it’s been things like looking in the review or side mirrors to get an extra long look.

I couldn’t say anything today as he left early to go to work. And I didn’t say anything last night as I was trying to figure out whether I was being overly sensitive.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 26/08/2020 19:25

You do seem to have to deeply think what you say to him op...

PlanDeRaccordement · 26/08/2020 19:27

YANBU to be slightly irritated. But YABU to be “incandescent with rage” and to go “all cold” towards him and not tell him why. What is so hard about just saying it was rude how he kept looking at her wet T-shirt?

Luckingfovely · 26/08/2020 19:29

There are clearly widely varying views here - and none of them are right or wrong. It's all down to an individual and their relationship and their expectations.

Personally, I'd hate it, and I married a man who would never do it. I know that makes me lucky, and I don't blame you for feeling upset.

MaryJoAnna · 26/08/2020 19:30

Change your screensaver to Mr Darcy coming out of the lake all wet and make sure he sees it.

I understand why you are irritated though, he sounds a bit of a tit perve.

DrManhattan · 26/08/2020 19:33

I ditched a bf for this. It made me feel like shit and you shouldn't do it when you are with someone. Its disrespectful when someone has told you how it makes them feel.

Flip

1 2 3