AIBU in feeling this rage with my DH

[Kitten3]

Last night was first night out with DH and we had a great time without our usual baggage of three young children.
On the way home, it started to absolutely pelt it down with rain. Across the road was a young woman wearing a white t shirt that got slightly soaked. My b husband kept looking over repeatedly.

I’ve been feeling absolutely incandescent with rage since then. He has form for this, always checking other women out, he must think I’m bloody blind. In the past I’ve just dismissed it. But for some reason, last night was the last straw.
He has no idea why I’ve gone all cold. Am
I being completely nuts?
I just feel really unhappy that he can’t even have the decency to behave appropriately- I’ve no problem with checking out attractive people, but I wouldn’t do it openly in the presence of a partner.

What would you do??

Oh, that puts a TOTALLY different spin on it! 😁

I don’t mind DH checking people out, I don’t feel it’s a reflection on me at all. If it was over the top or done in a disrespectful way I’d be more annoyed on behalf of the woman he was ogling.

Seriously... I'd just say... "FFS, I know she's got nice tits, but stop looking at them!!".

There must have been something about it that gave you the creeps though.

No this would really bother me. I’d feel really unsettled if my DH eyed up other women all the time. It is very rude, & totally disrespectful to you. Why does he not have any self-awareness of what he’s doing & how it may make you feel?

Just to add.....for me personally it would make me feel really insecure as it goes.

I bet she noticed too. I hope she wasn't uncomfortable. It's a bit sleazy that he didn't just not look at her tits. It's really not hard.

Previously, it’s been things like looking in the review or side mirrors to get an extra long look.

That could just be being a good driver, you sound a bit paranoid

It's not getting you anywhere to just give him the silent treatment without him knowing why. Somewhat irritated is understandable, rage is not. Use your words.

Talk to him about it.

I’ve not posted on MN before- easy to leave so many details out.

I don’t think she noticed as she was on the other side of a very busy road. But I did feel that him staring at her objectified her- and the glancing would NEVER be a problem. It was the constant looking at her, trying to get a better look presumably as her t shirt was getting wetter.

🙄

Nothing to be paranoid about. It’s what called an observation.

That’s the plan for tonight!

And this is why I came on here. To get a sense of perspective. I’m not sure why I’m so bloody upset about it.

I’m reading the comments and thinking that yes, this behaviour bothers some, others not. I’m in the latter category. And that this can be addressed by a chat.

If my partner was really purvey I wouldn’t stay with him. But the wet tee shirt thing - it was unusual so I prob would have looked myself but not repeatedly.

Glancing and noticing someone is attractive - fine by me. Staring/ogling/breaking your neck to get an extra look is just sleazy and disrespectful to me. I hate men that do that! I can remember a couple I used to be friends with and the DH would talk about ‘fit’ women all the time and declare who he found attractive. The DW then started doing the same and declaring how ‘fit’ random men or celebrities were and it became a pathetic power play over who could be the most disrespectful. Safe to say that relationship didn’t last long!

Completely understand this. I have smiled through many similar events that have hurt me profoundly, because the DC are my priority but have cried a lot in private over the disappointment.
Sorry no advice -but you are not alone - lots of us with you on this!

Sorry -WRONG THREAD -pls I ignore!!!!!

I doubt I'd have noticed but then I'm not observant. However, if he is looking sleazily tell him to control where he looks and also impress upon him that the object of his gaze probably feel uncomfortable if she saw him looking.

Yuck. Yanbu.
Just tell him although does he really not know?!
Also you said young, how young? If only a late teen then even sleazier.

I think feelings are important and the OP shouldn't be told that "incandescent with rage" is an over reaction. I understand why you are angry OP as it's very rude of him to be staring at another woman. I think you said he's done this before. In my view never mind the "oh mate you're a pervert" because as I read it, you ARE angry and I think you should talk to him (not in a jokey way) about how you feel and similar incidents in the past. He'll probably try to belittle you and make fun of it. on the other hand he could get angry but at least you will have made him aware of your feelings.

I am one of the people on the side of 'it would bother me a great deal'.
I just find it entirely distasteful and disrespectful, especially given that he was doing this in front of you. I would never do this to a partner of mine, so I would expect the same in return.

Reading between the lines, it sounds like you’re so upset in part because you rarely get time to be a couple rather than parents, able to enjoy adult company and feel like a sexual being? And then he goes and stares at some other woman, taking away your rare opportunity to feel like a woman out being treated well.

His behaviour sucks, and you should have no problem telling him that. Being passive aggressive won’t help—it won’t make you feel better and to be brutally honest it’s not very attractive. Be an adult, tell him that he’s not to do that and move on. If he does it again, take charge of the situation. “NO, pervert” and an eyebrow, rather than a fight.

@QueSera

I am one of the people on the side of 'it would bother me a great deal'. I just find it entirely distasteful and disrespectful, especially given that he was doing this in front of you. I would never do this to a partner of mine, so I would expect the same in return.

Agree.

Really tacky, sleezy behaviour.

It certainly would give me the Ick for a man if I saw him behave in such a disrespectful manner.

OP, do NOT feel bad for finding his behaviour disgusting.

It's certainly not the behaviour of a nice man.

Nice way to describe your kids.

Very sleazy behaviour from your DH. No respect.

If he was repeatedly looking, then yes he was being pervy. If he was only glancing a couple of times, then no he wasn't. But it's obviously something you've seen him do before, so that's why it bothers you so much. My DH wouldn't even notice as he'd be too focused on driving.

But acting passive aggressive isn't the answer. You need to tell him what it is you're angry about.