To be worried this will change our relationship

[topandtailem]

Good relationship with parents in law. See them regularly, they dote on our 3YO and help with childcare (at their request, we’ve always been clear we’re happy to put her in nursery more often). I’ve always been aware that MIL doesn’t necessarily agree with everything we do or parenting choices we make but that’s up to her and we’ve always rubbed along okay.

They recently promised us money to help with buying a bigger house in a better area. Now, after we’ve sold our house, had an offer accepted, paid for a survey and paid for mortgage arrangement fee, they’ve withdrawn the offer.

That’s fine, they’re within their rights and although I’m gutted, this is one of the reasons you have to be careful accepting money from others. I get it. I can move on.

But the reasons they’ve given basically boil down to them thinking that it isn’t the right house for our daughter and she won’t be happy there and they can’t condone our decision.

This is what I keep dwelling on. We have chosen that house purely based on it being the perfect house for our family. Great area, great schools, lovely garden. Do my parents in law think I’m a bad parent? That they need to intervene to stop us from making a selfish decision that will hurt our child?

So putting the house and the money aside, how do I get past this? I want a good relationship with them but when we spoke on the phone last night she just refused to be moved and said she wasn’t making the decision lightly and she hadn’t slept in days. She just wants what is best for her grand daughter. Which to me is reiterating that point that we can’t be trusted to make that choice ourselves. I’m not sure I can easily forgive her for this.

If it matters, we’re early thirties, gainfully employed, daughter is thriving.

Well you are an excellent Mumsnetter OP! A full sensible story with all the details, and an update almost 6 months later, gold star for you!

It sounds like you did exactly the right thing, I hope that you're very happy in your new home.

So glad to hear that you've gone ahead. Although in a way it's a pity that the relationship has changed, that doesn't seem to be a bad thing anyway. Till I clocked the date on the original thread, I was going to question your decision that you weren't going to cut down on seeing them, because it seemed to me pretty essential to loosen that tie so that your MIL stops feeling that she's your daughter's sole protector. . In any event, as your daughter grows she's not going to want to be trooping round to Granny's all the time, she's going to have other attractions like seeing friends and weekend clubs and activities.

they can’t condone our decision.
This phrase alone says it all. I’m so pleased you’ve come back with your update. The PILs have to know that it’s not their place to ‘condone’ your decisions.

I get what you mean about it feeling like they don't trust your parenting.

I definitely would tell them that you have found a house you can afford without help that is further away. Just don't give them any other details and see how they react. It can always 'fall through' later. Just to get more information about their frankly bizarre behaviour.

Other than that keep them out of any decisions on your Dd's life, just don't tell them anything and maybe do actually look for a house further away. It will be easier to keep your distance that way.

Oops missed the update.

i think you've had a lucky escape, finding out now about their control issues. Who knows how your MIL might get if she felt she owned part of your house? Would she disapprove of your paint colours? Plants in the garden? And she has damaged your relationship, not you. Such a shame. But I suspect there's a lot behind why your BIL keeps her at arm's length.

Good luck!

This is so interesting. Is she able to say what is making her still so anxious, after 6 months, that she can't sleep?

Great update in relation to the house, OP – I hope the move goes smoothly! Are you any closer to finding out exactly what MIL's objections are? Is it the increased distance, is she anxious about driving? It seems such an extreme reaction, that she's still having sleepless nights about it.

I wonder if she has realised what a wedge it's driven between you and how, ironically, her behaviour means she's less likely to be invited to visit your new house anyway! I certainly wouldn't want her coming round knowing how much she hates the place and how they withdrew the money to stop you buying it.

So pleased to see your update, hope the move goes smoothly today.

I’m delighted to see that you and your husband are on the same page. He’s a clever man who who has decided to put his wife and child first before misplaced feelings is guilt about doing what his mummy wants.

So many men on MN fail to do that and it seriously, sometimes irretrievably, damages their marriage. They just can’t handle adult choices.

I agree with PP, your MILs sleep habits are not your concern. She’s a grown woman and perfectly capable of speaking to her Gp and getting help for any health problems she has.

Of course she and your FIL will have to live with the consequences of their shoddy and manipulative behaviour. You treat people badly and they withdraw from you - that’s how human nature works. They’ve had decades to work that out.

Sadly they have shown you what kind of people they are and you now will be very careful about how you engage with them and how much you expose your children to their manipulations.

That’s not punishing them, that’s cause and effect.

You go outside in February without a jacket, you get cold. It’s not the weather punishing you .

You eat too much sugar and carbs, you get fat. It’s not a vendetta from Sainsbury’s.

You try to control your adult children with your money and fake illnesses / anxiety, they withdraw and see less of you.

You see less of your adult children - you see little of your grandchildren. It’s grand parenting 101.

I remember your original thread op and thought you were very gracious. Congrats on your new home. I wish you happy .

@coral i like the sainsburys analogy
wise words
congrats op

I couldn’t be dealing with all that. They’re overstepping the bounds of what is acceptable by trying to exercise some sort of editorial control. And they’ll continue to do so - wait until they don’t like the school she goes to. Personally I’d back right off. That will send a message that you’re not happy with their manipulation.

I hope your move goes well today

Congratulations! It just shows this house was meant to be!

Good luck with the house move and don’t feel bad, they are the ones who should be bloody guilty. Maybe they will buy you a super nice house warming gift - lol!

Just read the full thread. Congratulations on the house and hope today goes smoothly for you.

I have a parent like this, muscles in on what I am doing with offers of help that I don’t really need and then tries to change the outcome - it’s so tiring.

Agree with everyone else about keeping them at arms length and only telling them stuff when it’s a done deal. Someone once said to me “People can’t ruin what they don’t know.” So true.

Enjoy your new home 🏠.

This really isn’t a normal reaction from your mother in law-worrying so much about someone else’s new house that she can’t sleep?!

I would back right away and not be using them for future childcare. I don’t think she is thinking logically and I wouldn’t want my child in her sole care.

I remember your thread too. I am so pleased it all went through and hope the move today goes smoothly.

She'll always want you to consider her feelings in regards to everything, but she'll never consider your feelings

This and the fact that she is still making you feel bad about your move even to this day. The house sounds lovely.

Good luck with the move, OP!

You have handled this just right. Let MIL fret all she wants. She has damaged your relationship by her actions - so be it. Using their money to try to control your adult choices is wrong on so many levels. Enjoy your lovely new home! 💐 🍾 😃

I know MIL in particular feels very anxious about the house and isn’t sleeping.

Think about why you know that!

Whay did she feel the need to make sure you are fully aware that your decision is causing her to be so anxious she can't sleep?

Look to your DH. He may need your support when she ups her game! No matter what is the root cause of her behaviour she is an adult and has no reason to visit her issues on her DS or you!

I'd also be very wary as to how she talks to your DC... is she telling them that grandma loves them most because silly mummy and daddy don't care enough to buy a nice, safe house? Grandmas house is nicer, safer etc etc. Even in baby talk and all that sweet silly nonsense stuff...

@topandtailem first of all, huge congratulations on your new home! I’m delighted that you managed to find a way to buy the house that you really wanted, and wish you many happy years there!

I’m very late to this thread, but your OP really resonated with me, and so I thought it might be helpful to share a little bit of my experiences as there’s a happy(ish) ending.

Without being too outing, my DPs behaved in a very similar way when ds was small. Effectively, the message was that our decision making as parents couldn’t be trusted, and so they needed to set boundaries/ impose decisions on us, for his benefit, by leveraging similar tactics.

Like you, we stepped back slightly, said “not on your nelly”, and yes, it did have an impact on our relationship (although my dps have always been slightly nutty!) and the result was that they saw quite a bit less of ds over the following years, because of the specific control issues.

We just let it gently roll along. Didn’t raise it. Let other people’s comments to them (of the “I bet you’re loving seeing DGC all the time” ) do a lot of the work for us. Dds were both born. We kept doing our own thing and, quite frankly, being pretty damn good parents. And over time, it sort of eased off.

I don’t think we’ve ever had an actual apology. But they’ve both repeatedly made the point to us over recent years that they think we are amazing parents. They are much more involved (despite shielding for the past year) with the teen dcs now than I would ever have thought, and our relationship is much better.

That said, they did something pretty awful a little while back, and it was only the slight mental & emotional space that we’ve built in over the years that enabled me to rise above it and continue. Some people are just like that, you can love and appreciate them, but also need to handle with care.

Good luck!

Congratulations and good luck with your house move. Wishing you much happiness in your new home.

I am very pleased to read your update and see that you went ahead with the purchase of the house you wanted to buy.

It's a bit sad that your PILs have taken a step back, but you know, that's probably a good thing. They can't keep treating you like dependent children, and pulling the rug out from under you if you try to break free of their influence, so it's really good that you've taken that step and shown them!

If your MIL couldn't come up with any concrete reason why the house wasn't right for your DD, then one can only assume that it's a control issue. If she had any other issue, she should have been able to tell you about it - she hasn't, therefore it's safe to assume she has no other reason.

I''m glad your DH is with you on this - and glad that you've seen this side of them now, before your DD is able to understand the awkwardness.

Really, really pleased to read the outcome in this OP, and wish you the very best in your new home. How exciting!

Of course the relationship has changed, but you didn’t change it, they did. It would also have changed had you capitulated to their view on your decision. There is nothing you can do about their behaviour or decisions and her sleepless nights are not your responsibility.

Keep your boundaries as strong and enjoy your new home.

SO much better that you were able to buy it without emotionally manipulative control from your ILs.

Well done!

I remember this, congratulations on the house. Hope the move goes well. Pleased you were able to buy the house without their help. To be honest, sounds like your MIL wouldn’t of been happy about any choice of house you made without her input. Take a leaf out of your BIL’s book, keep them at arms length.