I’m posting because my DP and I are at a loss with what to do and he feels like he’s fighting an uphill battle with his ex regarding parenting.
SD has just turned 11 and has a history of bullying other children. She takes pleasure in putting other kids down and being dominating towards them.
She’s a pretty, smart and at times very funny kid, but this side of her personality is really horrible.
We’ve tried everything... appealing to her better nature, trying to instil empathy, talking to her about why she does it (she finds it funny apparently), punishment for her unkindness by imposing restrictions on her freedom or tech use.
Nothing seems to work.
Yesterday SD had one of my DP’s friend’s DDs over to play at her DM’s house (we all live in close proximity) and whilst this play date was happening SD prank called and messaged lots of girls she knows but targeted one girl in particular.
They called this child (a year younger than SD - only just turned 10yo) a dog, a pussy, called her out for a fight, called her ugly and a slut.
This child’s mother then got in touch with our friend and showed her the messages so she went over to speak to SD’s mum and she was completely not bothered. She rolled her eyes and said “Well that’s just how kids talk to each other these days”.
Our friend was pretty shocked by this as she punished her own DD for her part in the bullying and gave her a stern talking to about cyber bullying and its effects.
DP later on rang his ex to discuss what they should do regarding her escalating behaviour.
To give a bit more background SD has form for this sort of behaviour and most recently targeted one of my friend’s children with abuse during an online game. Both my friend and I impose restrictions and monitor our children’s tech use and the children are only allowed to add or talk to close friends or family members whilst online gaming or FaceTiming. But obviously my friend’s-DD felt safe talking to my SD as she is my stepdaughter and not a stranger to her.
It was so humiliating and upsetting to have to apologise to my friend and hear how SD had been so vile towards her DD.
Anyway, last night DP decided as he pays for SD’s mobile phone then he would take it away until Thursday and go through it all and put safety blockers etc on it. Also it was part of the punishment for her awful behaviour.
SD went back to her DM later last night and DP could see calls / texts coming through on SD’s phone and being answered by SD so she had logged onto her iPad and was continuing life as normal.
DP rang his ex to let her know and it transpired that she’d actually given the iPad to her for her use “Seeing as you’ve been petty enough to take her phone away”.
She said she won’t stop her using it and “girls will be girls” with regards to the bullying.
I feel like DP is fighting a losing battle to teach SD empathy and morals. I honestly don’t know what to do, we can try and have boundaries and parent her as best we can whilst she’s with us but it is unravelled as soon as she goes back to her DM’s house.
Her DM doesn’t seem to want to parent when it gets tough... don’t get me wrong, the girls are undoubtedly loved, fed, clothed and cared for but their DM seems to opt out of anything remotely challenging when it comes to actually parenting them and my 11yo SD seems to be getting no guidance whatsoever.
What can DP do? I’m at a loss on how to advise him as my ex and I coparent happily