My son moans all the time

[Ori82]

My eldest son is 6. I'm a bit concerned because he just moans and whines and cries All.The.Time. He's so emotionally needy it's draining the life out of me. His reactions to ordinary, everyday things are so dramatic and emotionally excessive. I have to work hard with him just to get him to try and engage positively with anything.

It's not a new thing - he's always been like this. I can't do right for doing wrong. But as he gets older it's really grinding me down. I'd be interested to hear other people's perspectives if you have experienced similar. These are some regular examples.

I book soft play/activity for the boys - he moans that it's not the one he likes. Moans moans moans until I snap and tell him off. Then sulks for ages.

I put a film on for him - it's not the one he likes.

His socks are uncomfortable - he cries because his jumper is annoying him and the sleeves are all rucked up inside. Lots of issues with socks being uncomfortable in general.

Whining and crying because he can't find his toy/shoes/the exact item he wants at any given time. Won't go away on his own to look for said item.

Can't do an activity on his own without asking for help - endlessly. Cries and whines until someone does activity with him/for him. Then goes off it within seconds.

Won't go and play in another room to where other people are. Won't go the bathroom on his own. Drama drama drama if you tell him to go to the toilet/stay in the bath without someone literally being in there with him.

Interrupts people with moaning or a whine about something if others are involved in a conversation - needs multiple reminders about not interrupting

Hyperactive - (I know 6 yr olds are generally active) but he's full of nervous energy and finds it really hard to relax at all. If he does sit down he talks incessantly - random noises that come out of nowhere.

I was hoping he'd grow out of some of these behaviours as he got a bit older but no. It's the moaning and the whining that gets to me most. It's so depressing!

Have you spoken to his school about any of this? What's he like with them?

I don't feel qualified to comment on most of it as I'm not experienced with that age group (DD is only three and I work with teens), but the socks thing sounds like sensory issues, which can be a factor in ASD or other conditions.

It does sound very hard for you

It sounds as though he may he sensory sensitivity issues. Have a look at this:
centerforparentingeducation.org/library-of-articles/child-development/understanding-temperament-sensory-sensitivity/

Does he have siblings?

I think that an assessment for ASD would be good. I work with children with autism and he has lots of the traits.

He definitely sounds as though he has sensory issues and very possibly ASD.

Was coming on to say speak to the school or your gp about a camhs referral.

If you join groups on fb and reddit geared towards asd etc you're likely to find recommendations for softer material socks and other items that might help.

There's a good series of books on Amazon for this age group called 'What to do when you...' I've bought the one about anger for DD but I noticed there was one for grumpiness. Worth a shot?

Can you suggest to him he can make his own choices. Own clothes. Own film. How can he moan then?
Ds 11 has been a bit of a complainer. Told him he was turning into an old man!!

It might also be a good idea to buy him seamless socks. They're available online. I'm not sure about stores.

I am not going to rule out sensory or similar issues as have no knowledge, but lots of kids moan.

Then if it clearly winds you up they do it more.

My kids often moan more when I am moany tbh .

My son is very similar and I have suspected ASD for awhile, it's the extreme reactions and inability to control emotion and the clothing issues that really ring a bell for me.

@FunorFitness

Yes exactly as you describe. Extreme reactions/inability to control emotion and the sensory issues. For example, today we went to softplay. I had to put a wristband (made of paper) on him. He started crying as soon as I put it on - said it was scratching him, it was really uncomfortable. Such a drama - he got really het up about it, I had to take it off.

For me it would be the incessantly having to talk -random noises, didn't you say?

My BF's son (adult now) stims by using speech. It's almost like Tourettes, in that he will talk and talk and talk even if nobody is in the room. He says it feels as though the words are bursting out of him and he can't stop them. He has ASD. Might be worth checking out.

Read ‘The Highly Sensitive Child’

My dd still complains about socks/seams/labels. Has point blank from about the age of 2 refused to wear candis or knitted jumpers. Too constricting. Ditto hats/gloves/coats.

It’s a royal PITA. And she’s 14 now with no change😖

She wouldn’t wear those soft play wristbands either. Or play on her own. She whined a lot too.

But now at 14, she’s lovely😁loads of friends, funny, entertaining, lively, but she just likes lots of attention. She admits it herself.

Interesting cos my 8 year old is very similar although usually stops moaning when at the activity we have dragged/ bribed/ threatened punishment to get him to cos he actually really likes said activity. But my god the moaning and stomping beforehand is horrendous!

A lot of what you said rings bells and we have wondered if DS has ASD.

My DS also hates playing or being by himself and usually being sent to his room is enough of a threat for him to at least lower the volume of his complaining.

No other tips Im afraid. My DS outgrew some sensory issues. This summer is the first time he's accepted wearing sandals without socks for example.

Thanks @TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince - I will certainly look into that book. It is also like the situation you describe in terms of him having lots of friends/witty and funny etc. He's all these things too, he seems to attract friends easily but there is that other side of him which as you so rightly say is a right royal PITA. And I don't think he'll grow out of it - for whatever reason it's there. I have often thought about getting him a referral to be honest. I want to know what i'm dealing with.

Sounds like the behaviour of an over indulged child who has possibly been spoilt. When he moans, do you step in straight away to appease him? Sounds like he might complain because he is used to things getting sorted if he does, and gets the attention he is demanding. Not everything is down to ASD/autism/adhd. Sometimes it’s just our parenting that needs to be tweaked a bit.

OP my son has sensory issues diagnosed at just over 2years.
He is 2 years on now from OT every week and the change is huge.
He needs to see an OT.

This really does sound like, at the very least, a child with sensory issues. Which can be standalone or part of something else like ADHD. I would definitely be having him properly assessed. First step is to talk to the school. If it's sensory, they will absolutely have noticed similar behaviours, if not identical ones (eg, at school, DS' sensory issues play out as clumsiness, an inability to follow instructions or handle routine etc while at home it's more like what you are describing). Hopefully the school can have him referred to CAMHS or Occupational Therapy. If not, if you can afford it, looking into private options is worth while.

The clothing issues can be dealt with relatively easily by changing what he wears etc. Eg, seamless bamboo socks (easily, and cheaply, purchased online) have completely changed our morning routine. DS has never been able to wear multiple layers and we adapted - short sleeve t-shirts in summer, long sleeve t-shirts in for in between weather and short sleeves with a very lightweight, flexible coat for winter. Hats, scarves, gloves etc have all been largely abandoned. Obviously also all the obvious things like removing labels, ensuring fabrics are soft (eg denim is practically a dirty word in our house and he has recently moved to sweatshirts for colder weather as they tend to be very soft and easy to move in but were too warm for him previously).

Currently we are exploring sensory objects for the classroom.

He sounds exactly like my ds right down to the cant be on his own for a second.
He is now 4 and so much better. He does have his moments where he becomes a bit unbearable but that also happens when he is anxious.
Almost certain that if he has sensory issues he will also have some sort of anxiety.

Also, how good is he at communicating. Because it is worth trying to understand what it is about these things he doesn't like. The reason we can finally look at sensory objects for the classroom is because DS himself has finally started to understand that when he is in the large group settings, he simply doesn't have the ability to focus on the teacher so he zones out. That has meant he is a participant in the planning to try a sensory object.

With the bathroom , is there something in there that freaks him out? Eg it's too bright? Too cold? Too noisy? If you can get him to articulate these issues, it allows you to put strategies in place. We, naively, had not understood the issue with DS' socks for a long time until eventually he managed to explain that the toe was uncomfortable. Seamless socks arrived a few days later and everyone was 500x happier. Similarly, he was a MISERABLE baby. In retrospect, we have no doubt it was because he was too hot and uncomfortable most of the time.

The clothing thing definitely screams "sensory issues" to me. I have Aspergers and a big part of it for me is sensory issues. If something doesn't feel, look or sound right, I can't relax until it's "fixed".

"Fixed" could mean I change my outfit several times, or it could mean I have to get up and tidy or re-arrange something, or it could mean I need to leave the room to escape the smell or sound that's upsetting me.

Do you eventually give in to his moaning and whining? If so it sounds like he’s learnt that it works for him and so whenever there’s anything he doesn’t really like he starts the whining/ moaning knowing you’ll give in eventually. For example at Soft Play the whining clearly worked, instead of telling him to stop whining and wear the wristband or that you would have to take him home and he miss out on softplay he whined until he got his own way and didn’t have to wear it but still got to play. The best way to stop whining/ moaning is to make sure it doesn’t ever work to let him get what he wants - you need to be consistent and ignore it. Respond positively if he’s able to make requests or express discomfort etc properly by using a normal, conversational voice but if he starts whining or tantrumming don’t give in to him.

My DSS was really sensitive to how clothes felt, was also very upset by wind, extreme temperatures and needed routine. NT.
He would only wear very soft clothes and we cut out all labels etc as they would chafe. He's in his 20's now, these issues don't seem to trouble him, or maybe he's just more in control of his own environment now.