My son moans all the time

[Ori82]

My eldest son is 6. I'm a bit concerned because he just moans and whines and cries All.The.Time. He's so emotionally needy it's draining the life out of me. His reactions to ordinary, everyday things are so dramatic and emotionally excessive. I have to work hard with him just to get him to try and engage positively with anything.

It's not a new thing - he's always been like this. I can't do right for doing wrong. But as he gets older it's really grinding me down. I'd be interested to hear other people's perspectives if you have experienced similar. These are some regular examples.

I book soft play/activity for the boys - he moans that it's not the one he likes. Moans moans moans until I snap and tell him off. Then sulks for ages.

I put a film on for him - it's not the one he likes.

His socks are uncomfortable - he cries because his jumper is annoying him and the sleeves are all rucked up inside. Lots of issues with socks being uncomfortable in general.

Whining and crying because he can't find his toy/shoes/the exact item he wants at any given time. Won't go away on his own to look for said item.

Can't do an activity on his own without asking for help - endlessly. Cries and whines until someone does activity with him/for him. Then goes off it within seconds.

Won't go and play in another room to where other people are. Won't go the bathroom on his own. Drama drama drama if you tell him to go to the toilet/stay in the bath without someone literally being in there with him.

Interrupts people with moaning or a whine about something if others are involved in a conversation - needs multiple reminders about not interrupting

Hyperactive - (I know 6 yr olds are generally active) but he's full of nervous energy and finds it really hard to relax at all. If he does sit down he talks incessantly - random noises that come out of nowhere.

I was hoping he'd grow out of some of these behaviours as he got a bit older but no. It's the moaning and the whining that gets to me most. It's so depressing!

I’m very reluctant to force him to wear clothes/items that are causing him obvious distress. I watch him carefully when he’s in that zone & I honestly think it’s genuine upset; he’s not faking how he feels at these times.

Today after he had calmed down I put the paper wristband on him again and told him to play. He fiddled with it for a bit & then went off and played. When it was time to go I told him to put his shoes on, but he said ‘can we take the band off first?” I did that for him then because I could see it was agitating him but he had tried to overcome it for what must have felt like a long time. Because he tries at times like these & there’s conscious effort going in I think there’s more at play than lax parenting (which some posters have insinuated.) I am not the kind of mum who gives in to manipulation or crafty behaviour so it’s not that either. This is what worries me. I think I’ll talk to the GP

Socks are a huge deal for my daughter. I’ve found some sock shop bamboo socks on amazon which are as close to seamless as you can get and it’s all she’ll wear now. I’ve stocked up. The amount of money I’ve wasted on different socks over the years is astounding!

Everyone told me to get him assessed etc etc, I’m not one for slapping labels on kids at the slightest thing though.

Kids don't get "labels." They get a diagnosis. Big difference. And kids don't get a diagnosis for "the slightest thing." They get one because they meet the diagnostic criteria. So your kid wouldn't have "had a label slapped on him"

It’s so tiring. I thought about asking GP about ASD assessment but he does really immerse himself in complex imaginary games which I don’t think is typical in children with autism diagnoses.

That's a stereotype, lots of autistic kids have a very rich imagination. The "lack of imagination" thing is to do with social imagination, not imagination in the typical sense. A child having a good imagination certainly doesn't rule out autism or mean it shouldn't be considered.

I have a ds with sensory issues. He's now 19 and cuts the labels out of his designer clothes and checks seams on socks etc because he knows what seam will annoy him. He likens clothes labels and seams in the wrong places to a knife being there and often wears stuff inside out around the house as the label/seam annoys him. He always wears socks inside out unless he's wearing shorts so you can see that they are inside out. He wore a lot of tops with fake layers and hoodies with zips which is easier to adjust than an over the head. He wouldn't have worn the wristband either. I'd probably worn mine and his and if asked used a bullshit story like he wanted me to wear his or he was worried about losing it

My ds has ADD and has a lot of nervous energy. He can be telling me a funny or mundane story but will want to pace at the same time which gets my anxiety up but I'd daren't say anything as that feels natural to him.

He was very negative but has learned to phrase criticism or negativity in a more NT way. By this I mean talking normally instead of shouting or whinging, asking questions beforehand so he's not disappointed that it's not what he assumed /imagined

Some children are much more sensitive than the majority and telling them off won’t change that - as Imm sure you know!

This book is helpful: www.amazon.co.uk/Highly-Sensitive-Child-children-overwhelms-ebook/dp/B008CBDOQG/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?dchild=1&keywords=your+highly+sensitive+child&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1598393088&sr=8-3

Sounds similar to nearly 9 year old DS1 and we're in the process of having him assessed right now (not UK based).

He suffers from anxiety, sleep issues, overeactive behavior, irrational anger, some OCD behaviors, chronic tics etc. A lot of his issues we believe stem from serious sleep deprivation, in that it takes him well over an hour to fall asleep and then his body won't allow him to go into deep sleep, so despite 11 hours he will still wake up exhausted.

He flips out over the slightest thing, it's like we never know what is going to trigger a massive over reaction. The other day it was because he couldn't have a burger king. Strangely he is doing ok in school and he's not badly behaved but I think that's because he understands the structure of the school day.
Thankfully his pediatrician gave him 3mg melatonin straight away to help with the sleep and he now falls asleep in about 5-10 minutes. We've ordered him a weighted blanket to see if that helps getting him into deeper, more restorative sleep, and I'm just completing paperwork for the psychologist to review before she meets with him.

All I care about is getting him the help he needs, so I understand your concern OP. Good luck.

Oh and a label doesn’t get ‘slapped’ onto a child. It took over two years from first tentative visit to GP to final diagnosis and involved paediatric assessments, genetic testing, thorough history examination, school involvement, CAHMS (ADOS) assessments, SLT assessments and OT assessments all of which (except for the final ADOS assessment) occurred over more than one appointment with each

I'm reading this thread with fascination as so many posts sound like my DS5. The one helpful suggestion I could make OP is that I've had some success in encouraging DS to tell me what his problem is in a calm reasonably pleasant manner, if he does that I always make a point of taking his problem very seriously, even if it is something completely ridiculous in my eyes!

Very similar here too, 8yo, always been different from his siblings.

We are trying the cahms route. Referral from the gp rather than the school as he mostly masks it at school but they are aware there are issues. However CAMHS is massively overstretched at the moment with coronavirus emergencies so don’t expect any quick help unfortunately.

But there are things you can try yourself. Another vote for “what to do when you grumble too much”, also “worry too much”. They’re like cbt work books that you do with your child.

The biggest help for us was removing as many stressors as possible, and then drawing firm boundaries with everything else. We don’t do soft play or clubs but do expect him to eat his food without complaining etc.

On a positive note, we’ve found things have improved a lot as he’s found ways of articulating his emotions and coping strategies. Lockdown helped as we could remove a lot of stressors and then are-introduce them slowly with coping mechanisms in place.

If he’s starting back at school, keep a diary of before and after and see whether the structure helps or hinders. Some schools have a quiet room that students can use if they are struggling, but they don’t advertise it so it’s worth asking. A good school should take a holistic approach.

Also read up on “orchids and dandelions”, very interesting theory.

My DS is 16 and always had a problem with socks, we could only buy certain softer ones for him. He hates new school shirts with a passion and used to dry for the old well washed soft (too small ones), he used to pull labels out of his clothes. Completely NT but just very sensitive to irritating sensation.
With the wingeing, what would happen if you just refused to engage with it rather than give in?

I hate how people are so quick to write off children with suspected additional needs as bad parenting.

I get it all the time from my step mum, my ex, various "friends".

Yet somehow I managed to parent his two siblings appropriately, just not this one child who is spoiled, a brat, needs a slap.

Honestly, if he has sensory issues, I would cater for them as far as is possible. Imagine having something mildly but consistently uncomfortable (say a teasel in your jumper) to deal with and then be expected to get on with every day life - youd be driven to distraction. Just because you (or most of us) dont notice seams in our socks or labels in our
clothes, that doesnt mean there are not people in the world that do.

It's interesting how a number of people have said 'could be X or just how he is'. We are in the early stages of looking into ADHD and ASD (and if the private service we have referred ourselves to concludes we 'just' need to change our parenting, that's what we'll do) but my understanding of these conditions is that they are 'just how she/he is' - these DC have an actual neurological difference. So it's a false dichotomy.

I guess it's more than that though - it's whether "just how they are" hinders them enough to warrant support, or at least understanding.

I was a moany, negative child. Looking back I think I was a right pain. I'm a bit of a pain as an adult sometimes. I don't think I have either ASD nor ADHD though. That is "just how I am".

Fair enough, but it's worth investigating whether there's actual aspects that could be addressed with some expert help. For instance, I think my DD might benefit from melatonin but I'm not about to start dosing her myself. And those 'what to do when...' books are great but as another poster said, they're basically CBT and it's not easy to DIY.

It's good to have insight as an adult but it can be really awful trying to parent children who have these extreme reactions to everyday things (and it's awful for them too).

Of course, the children and parents all deserve insight and support.