My son moans all the time

[Ori82]

My eldest son is 6. I'm a bit concerned because he just moans and whines and cries All.The.Time. He's so emotionally needy it's draining the life out of me. His reactions to ordinary, everyday things are so dramatic and emotionally excessive. I have to work hard with him just to get him to try and engage positively with anything.

It's not a new thing - he's always been like this. I can't do right for doing wrong. But as he gets older it's really grinding me down. I'd be interested to hear other people's perspectives if you have experienced similar. These are some regular examples.

I book soft play/activity for the boys - he moans that it's not the one he likes. Moans moans moans until I snap and tell him off. Then sulks for ages.

I put a film on for him - it's not the one he likes.

His socks are uncomfortable - he cries because his jumper is annoying him and the sleeves are all rucked up inside. Lots of issues with socks being uncomfortable in general.

Whining and crying because he can't find his toy/shoes/the exact item he wants at any given time. Won't go away on his own to look for said item.

Can't do an activity on his own without asking for help - endlessly. Cries and whines until someone does activity with him/for him. Then goes off it within seconds.

Won't go and play in another room to where other people are. Won't go the bathroom on his own. Drama drama drama if you tell him to go to the toilet/stay in the bath without someone literally being in there with him.

Interrupts people with moaning or a whine about something if others are involved in a conversation - needs multiple reminders about not interrupting

Hyperactive - (I know 6 yr olds are generally active) but he's full of nervous energy and finds it really hard to relax at all. If he does sit down he talks incessantly - random noises that come out of nowhere.

I was hoping he'd grow out of some of these behaviours as he got a bit older but no. It's the moaning and the whining that gets to me most. It's so depressing!

It sounds like there are a number of sensory issues going on here; I’d have a chat with the SENCO when he goes back and express your concerns. One of my three is currently at the beginning of the ASD assessment process with a lot of very similar difficulties (I suspect Asperger’s syndrome, though I know it isn’t named as such currently). Good luck, hang in there. This kind of behaviour is SO hard to deal with sometimes, and rarely to do with parenting styles as others have or may suggest!

My 6 year old son is like this.

It’s so tiring. I thought about asking GP about ASD assessment but he does really immerse himself in complex imaginary games which I don’t think is typical in children with autism diagnoses.

He’s definitely more relaxed than he used to be about socks and sleeves. Food is still an issue. He eats a truly pitiful range of foods. I feed him frankly neglectful meals just so he’ll eat something.

School say he’s very focussed when he’s there and all his teachers seem to share a bit of a laugh about the strength of his opinions. They don’t have any concerns. He has lots of friends there.

I have seen a little improvement over the last year or so which I think has been down to him cultivating his own very intense interests. I show lots of interest in these things too and ask him lots of questions, do lots of reading on the subject etc. It’s really given him a sense of self I think and a place to retreat to when he’s pissed off at everyone/thing else. Being able to share it with me has helped our relationship.

It’s so tiring. I thought about asking GP about ASD assessment but he does really immerse himself in complex imaginary games which I don’t think is typical in children with autism diagnoses.

It certainly can be. I had an incredibly vivid imagination as a child. I was diagnosed with autism as an adult.

He could be just a really annoying kid because you gave in to his moaning and whinging all this time....

Or something is wrong with him and you need to figure out what it is asap. Considering he is already 6. He def has some sensory issues

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but my son is STILL like this and he’s now almost thirteen. I have some issues with certain materials and feelings myself, but he resolved the sock issue himself by always wearing them inside out so he can’t feel the seam.

He has been under CAMHS in the past and they said he had ADHD symptoms (along with other things) but didn’t want to diagnose him with anything as it isn’t that severe, they don’t want to give him medication and they don’t want to give him any kind of label because it can mean children stop finding ways of coping with things and insist that nothing can be done because of their condition.

My son is also very popular and extremely talkative. He never shuts up. He gets various tics, some of which are vocal. He also won’t do anything alone and has never been able to entertain himself. He will be thirteen in December and just yesterday he had a tantrum at an attraction which resulted in him stropping and moaning, crying and then sitting on the floor and refusing to move. People had to step around him. It is embarrassing. He complains about every single part of the day. Getting up is annoying. Eating breakfast is a battleground. He either feels sick or isn’t hungry every. single. day. He only wants to eat toast for every meal and will refuse to eat and have a tantrum if I say he has to have something else. That isn’t a sensory thing, it’s just that he’d rather eat crap all day long. Getting in the shower is an issue. God forbid I tell him he needs to comb his hair. Most meals are still a battle because they are not just junk. He still has a whole bedtime routine where I have to read to him, he won’t go to the toilet by himself at night, he’s still terrified of the dark and will sleep with a white noise machine, a fan, a lamp on and his bedroom door wide open with the landing light on, and I still just have to sit in his room in the dark for a while after the routine because if I just leave and tell him he will be fine he gets hysterical and it just makes it all worse. I don’t know why he still has these tantrums over meals and still has huge outbursts every single time he doesn’t get his own way, because it hasn’t ever worked and I’ve never let him have what he wants because of it.

It is bloody exhausting. I often go to bed after him because his bedtime is obviously later now that he’s getting older and I’m just done in. He selfishly really likes that because he feels safer knowing that I’m upstairs with him, so I think he often drags out bedtime and delays as much as possible knowing that I’ll go to bed straight afterwards. If somebody had told me that I’d still be reading out loud and doing a bedtime routine when my child was almost a teenager, I’d have thought they were mad. Camhs no longer want to see him, he’s been discharged, and his dad hugely exacerbates the problem by letting him eat all the junk he likes and do whatever he wants for as long as he wants when he’s there.

I have a few books which I haven’t yet found the time to read. The explosive child is one of them. The good thing is that as he’s got older he can sort of laugh at himself a bit afterwards and accept that maybe he was being a bit over the top. But even that isn’t always an option. Sometimes even raising the issue starts it up all over again.

I agree with the people mentioning a tweak of parenting- if you stop capitulating to his whining (eg. taking the wristband off etc, rather than a firm you have to wear it to play or we go home/sit at the side) he will learn to manage his emotions more appropriately. It will also help him with future anxiety issues, being able to deal with small invconveniences/discomforts. Very few children like wearing socks/jumpers/pants/whatever and half of them would never don a coat of their own volition. There are far fewer children with ASD and sensory issues than there are children with parents who eventually give in to whinging and it's a learned behaviour to get what they want.

Give it a try for a while. It might help.

There are far fewer children with ASD and sensory issues than there are children with parents who eventually give in to whinging

Is that right?

Hi there. My son is 9 and is exactly how you describe your son in every way. He has alot of problems in school due to his nervous energy.
Hes currently on a zoom call with our local charity who offers support to kids with anxiety etc.
We have been through years of trying to get a diagnosis. It's very hard. Because my son can sit quietly in an appointment they just ruled everything out and sent us away saying it all stems from anxiety.
We all know there is something 100%, the school know there is something 100% but noone will help us because to them he seems fine.
When my son is with others, such as a fiends house, he is an absolute joy to be around. But it's not the true him and he tells me he puts a front on.
When he's in the safety of his home he is completely negative all the time, moans all the time, is scared of absolutely everything, hates the way certain clothes feel. Doesn't settle well to bed at night. Doesn't seem to have a full understanding of other people's emotions, he doesn't really have empathy, but is completely over emotional himself.
It is very, very hard for me as the constant negativity just drags me down. These 6 months of the kids being at home as been complete hell for me because of the way he is, and has not been good for him either. He absolutely hates school bit I need him to go to give me a bit of a break. It's very hard and I fully sympathise with you

The ignorance about ASD on MN never fails to astound me.

My boys have autism ,some of what you say fits with our experience

I also have a 6 year old who can be a bit grisly and moany (not so extreme on the sensory issues though). My DH and I find that if we say "I am sorry I can't hear you if you are grisling" and "pardon?" if she keeps grisling, she quickly starts to be more pleasant to all of us. We have to keep it up though because she seems to slip back into default whining if we start responding to this.

The whining started when her baby sister came along and she got a lot less attention. She has also never been great at spending time on her own and hates children's play areas like soft play (too noisy).

Get the kid evaluated for ASD..The sensory issues are a huge red flag

It could be asd or it could just be how he is.

When I was younger I was the same constantly moaning to the point my mum and all her friends & my family all called me moaning mona or a moaning Minnie, even now my mum sometimes says don’t be a moaner! For example I didn't certain materials such as velvet, I still can’t bare to touch it now! Not everyone has asd but we are all different with our own ways, it’s worth trying some of the suggestions on here.

He sounds like one of my 6 year old boys. I think he has ODD and had a telephone consultation with the GP a couple of weeks ago. He pretty much laughed and said that's pretty typical for kids his age and his son is exactly the same.
He doesn't behave this way at school so I have nobody to back it up. He was for ASD years ago, but the conclusion was that this is just his personality.

you stop capitulating to his whining (eg. taking the wristband off etc, rather than a firm you have to wear it to play or we go home/sit at the side) he will learn to manage his emotions more appropriately

Please don't do this. If it is sensory issues he's dealing with he is crying because the wristband hurts FFS.

The book The Out of Synch Child is a good introduction to sensory processing differences. See if anything else in there rings any bells and if so consider seeing an OT.

[CAHMS] don’t want to give him any kind of label because it can mean children stop finding ways of coping with things

Deity of choice on a two wheeled contraption! A label goes on a jar of jam or on a suitcase.
A medical diagnosis of autism or ADHD or any other condition is just that.
Is it down to budget restrictions? No diagnosis means no money being spent on helping that child.

Can you imagine a GP telling an asthmatic child they can't be told they have asthma or given anything to help them like an inhaler, they'll just have to find a way to cope?

This is some easily understandable information for anyone new to the concept of sensory issues.
www.falkirk.gov.uk/services/social-care/disabilities/docs/young-people/Making%20Sense%20of%20Sensory%20Behaviour.pdf?

My DS was/is similar and has recently been diagnosed with DCD (dyspraxia) - worth considering?

I found school clothes and in fact lots of clothes v uncomfy as a child and so when dd2 had issues with socks etc I found seamless soft ones etc. I still can't bear uncomfortable clothes now.

Other thing about choice is good. Giving a choice of a couple of things (which you don't care either way anyway) is really helpful.

The rest. Don't know. Could be an issue like some suggest could be just what he's like.

Anyway good luck

@Prufrocks

My 6 year old son is like this.

It’s so tiring. I thought about asking GP about ASD assessment but he does really immerse himself in complex imaginary games which I don’t think is typical in children with autism diagnoses.

He’s definitely more relaxed than he used to be about socks and sleeves. Food is still an issue. He eats a truly pitiful range of foods. I feed him frankly neglectful meals just so he’ll eat something.

School say he’s very focussed when he’s there and all his teachers seem to share a bit of a laugh about the strength of his opinions. They don’t have any concerns. He has lots of friends there.

I have seen a little improvement over the last year or so which I think has been down to him cultivating his own very intense interests. I show lots of interest in these things too and ask him lots of questions, do lots of reading on the subject etc. It’s really given him a sense of self I think and a place to retreat to when he’s pissed off at everyone/thing else. Being able to share it with me has helped our relationship.

To be fair, I'm autistic and I loved imaginary play as a kid. I was always making up stories for my toys and I had imaginary friends. That said, that sort of thing is more common in girls.

Is a young child being unable to entertain themselves a sign of ASD? Genuine question.

I too think you need to get an ASD assessment also, try turning so ks inside out, its usually the stitched it over the toe that irritates

There is a lot of ignorance on this thread.
Op sounds just like my 7 year old, he has asd. Major sensory issues. Please do not listen to people who suggest you bully him into submission. It's a great way of making things worse for your child and ultimately you.

My DS has sensory issues. God the sock fest at age three. It's just not as simple as firmly saying "wear the socks." It was like physical pain for him. When he had earache age four he begged me to cut his ear off. As a baby he seemed genuinely unhappy to be in this world. He is a beautiful, clever, hilarious child. At 8 he still won't go to the bathroom on his own and struggles with big groups and overwhelming situations (e.g panto). We have found lots of ways to help him. He is definitely an orchid child i.e he needs a very specific environment in order to thrive. I could be wrong but I don't think he has ASD.

My son was the exact same at this age down to the socks etc. Wouldn’t wear jeans. Wouldn’t wear trousers even in -5 degrees only shorts. Everyone told me to get him assessed etc etc, I’m not one for slapping labels on kids at the slightest thing though. He’s 8 now and has completely grown out of it we just ignored it I think its an attention thing at that age

You are describing my son at that age minus the sensory stuff with clothes (instead he did lots of sensory seeking)

He was autistic. Didn’t manage to get a diagnosis until he was 10