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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

amazed at insensitivity

88 replies

firstshift · 24/08/2020 14:13

This weekend my DF and his wife called by. 2nd time in a year ...
They are considering moving for the 35+ time which would involve a social housing exchange. When my DH enquired how it was going the response was ' we have seen somewhere that looks nice in Timbuktu, Timbuktu is a good 4 hour drive from the area we are currently in. My SS also lives within half an hour of me. My SM (using the term loosely) announces she couldnt possibly move that far from SS. I pointed out it was nice to see I featured at all in the consideration ...... No response!
Now dont get me wrong, it has always been blatant I am not the favourite child but I am my DF's only natural child. My SS is the same age as me, has no particular health needs and has no childcare needs she relies on anyone for ......

Is it normal for anyone to be that insensitve? Am I being unreasonable?

To be honest I am just astounded really, it doesnt even hurt after 40 years of it.

Doesnt e

OP posts:
Original poster
firstshift · 24/08/2020 17:13

No other people sat aghast ! I did not court their views

OP posts:
BottomOfMyPencilCase · 24/08/2020 17:13

For those of you with siblings, who all live in a 12 mile radius - would it not strike a chord if your parent said they wouldnt move because of one child but you or any other sibling did not get a mention
Maybe that's part of the issue. You have an idealised idea of what it's like to have siblings. Parents regularly put one sibling above another. There are hundreds of threads on here about it, from them favouring one for childcare, inheritances, days out, etc, etc.

Original poster
firstshift · 24/08/2020 17:15

@BottomOfMyPencilCase

For those of you with siblings, who all live in a 12 mile radius - would it not strike a chord if your parent said they wouldnt move because of one child but you or any other sibling did not get a mention Maybe that's part of the issue. You have an idealised idea of what it's like to have siblings. Parents regularly put one sibling above another. There are hundreds of threads on here about it, from them favouring one for childcare, inheritances, days out, etc, etc.
See another mistake I am making - treating my own children equally! Who knew!
OP posts:
Original poster
firstshift · 24/08/2020 17:16

And its hardly an idealised view - I have been a second class offspring for over 40 years. My point is DO NOT FUCKING VOICE IT!

OP posts:
BottomOfMyPencilCase · 24/08/2020 17:27

I doubt your DCs think you treat them equally especially if they are adults. I don't know anyone who doesn't have a story about when a parent favoured a sibling Smile

AcrossthePond55 · 24/08/2020 17:34

she only cares about moving away from one biological child not both??? Is that normal?

I have a SB too!

She has probably decided to move nearer the child she can most depend on going forward. It's usually a daughter in most cases as elder care is seen as 'women's work. But I have two sons and although both of them are wonderful and caring, but I also know that one of them would be the better person to help us, not because he's 'nicer' but because the other travels extensively for work.

My parents moved 600 miles away from our hometown to be near me as Dad started failing (neuro condition). It was stay home near DB who travels, move 600 miles to me or 1200 miles to DSis. DB was fine, just as DSis was. Our parents made the decision that was right for them based on their needs and where each of us lived (DSis lives in 'snow & tornado country', I'm in sunny California).

For those of you with siblings, who all live in a 12 mile radius - would it not strike a chord if your parent said they wouldnt move because of one child but you or any other sibling did not get a mention

Even the 'best' family relationships are based on compromise and the needs of the family members at the time. DSis moved with her husband for his job when our folks were in their late 50s. I moved about 10 years later for DH's. As our parents aged DB didn't give us grief for having 'moved away'. Compromise and the directions that life takes one are the deciding factors, regardless of who 'gets a mention' and who doesn't.

ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 24/08/2020 17:35

She didn't voice it, though, did she?

She has a closer relationship with her biological child. That's natural, it's not favouritism in the sense that you're thinking. How old were you when they got together? Have you ever lived with her?

From the sound of it, you've never lived with her, but expect her to prioritise you as much as her own children. That isn't a reasonable expectation.

Your dad on the other hand - it's reasonable for you to expect more of him and be sad when he doesn't deliver. But, as an adult, you have to reach a point where you stop setting yourself up for disappointment with this man and properly distance yourself.

You say you don't care, but your posts scream otherwise.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 24/08/2020 17:38

OP, if you really didn't care, you wouldn't be posting on a chatboard about this and you wouldn't be courting people's opinions in RL because, it wouldn't matter to you. Wouldn't improve your life one way or the other. But here you are, and it DOES matter. Somebody very wise once said to me that it was "far better not to feign indifference when the reality was anything but that". Your father still has the power to hurt you and I can read it in your posts. Don't do that to yourself.

The person you should be speaking to is your father. Get it off your chest and for once in your life, ask your step-mother to not interfere or join in the conversation, this is between you and your father.

Do what will give you peace but this isn't working for you and you're just going to get salty responses because of how you're posting. I agree with londonscalling that canvassing opinion from others doesn't mean that you'll get a truthful response either.

Take it up with him, just him - in a straightforward, clear way - and then draw a line under it all. Or just draw that line now and make it your choice to do so.

AcrossthePond55 · 24/08/2020 17:38

Oh, I worry that I've made my DB look lazy or uncaring, or that I think men can't be good carers. After he retired he moved in with Mum and was her carer for quite a few years. No one could fault him in his care of her and his patience. DSis and I feel we are very lucky to have such a devoted brother.

everyonesmama · 24/08/2020 17:42

How would she take it up with him if she cannot be alone with him?

Lweji · 24/08/2020 17:43

I have a SB too!

So, your indignation is for your SB?

SonjaMorgan · 24/08/2020 18:04

I understand why you feel hurt. I have felt far happier since coming to terms with my relationship with my parents. It will never be what I want it to be and I refuse to try. My family is my DH and DC.

MrsSpenserGregson · 25/08/2020 08:11

Is anyone actually reading the OP's posts?

She said "he is a particularly special soul - who held it against me because my child died on her birthday!"

@firstshift I am so sorry about your child Flowers and I am so sorry that your father and stepmother are such shits. Who cares if you said something "rude" (and I don't think it was rude) after 40 years of this?

Honestly, it's never to late for counselling to help you see that it's not you - it's them.

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