amazed at insensitivity

[firstshift]

This weekend my DF and his wife called by. 2nd time in a year ...
They are considering moving for the 35+ time which would involve a social housing exchange. When my DH enquired how it was going the response was ' we have seen somewhere that looks nice in Timbuktu, Timbuktu is a good 4 hour drive from the area we are currently in. My SS also lives within half an hour of me. My SM (using the term loosely) announces she couldnt possibly move that far from SS. I pointed out it was nice to see I featured at all in the consideration ...... No response!
Now dont get me wrong, it has always been blatant I am not the favourite child but I am my DF's only natural child. My SS is the same age as me, has no particular health needs and has no childcare needs she relies on anyone for ......

Is it normal for anyone to be that insensitve? Am I being unreasonable?

To be honest I am just astounded really, it doesnt even hurt after 40 years of it.

Doesnt e

@ReceptacleForTheRespectable

If your DF wanted to spend time with you he would - that is down to him not her. If she controls his time with you, it's because he permits that.

And nobody has any right to expect their parents to always live nearby. You're in your 40s! I live hours away from my parents, as does DH. My brother lives on another continent... we survive because we're all independent adults.

I dont care if they live near me or not! I dont care if they live with my SS. Which they dont. I dont care where they live, and they would be moving away from my SS not to her.

I am at peace with knowing my place in the order of things.
I have never relied on them for anything and I havent since I was 13, got a part time job and they absolved all responsibility for feeding or clothing me!

In fact I am quite probably a better person for it. I was never bought by anyone - I have ALWAYS made my own way, and raised my own children, without the usual input from them as parents in any way.

I am SIMPLY amazed that anyone can make a statement that insensitive!

For the record he is no longer very fast on his feet and she cuddles the phone so if I call I dont get to speak to him until she decides. Its a fact not something I lose sleep over!

Timbuktu?!

How old are you OP ? You say she's been your SM for 40 years. That's a long time to blame her for your relationship with your DF.
The conversation was idle chit chat. They'd obviously decided they weren't moving to Timbuktu. It's also fairly usual to look at houses and say 'oh that would be perfect but ...' because it catches your eye but in practical terms it doesn't work at all.
The only odd part of any of this is your ott reaction.

I'm still wondering what on earth the SM has done wrong here. She doesn't want to be far from her child - fair enough. Your dad doesn't give a shit about far he is from you. He's a shit dad, and this is just more of the same from him. He's a grown man with his own voice, and it has been his choice to allow your relationship to deteriorate.

Is she supposed to pretend that she doesn't care about her own child in order to cover up your dad's inadequacies?

Would you allow someone to separate you from YOUR child? If not, ask yourself why you want to preserve a relationship with the man who did this to you?

I personally don't see it as being insensitive. Your SM doesn't want to move far from her biological child. That is sort of understandable and the pair of you don't sound close at all.
If you're going to be miffed with anyone, it should be your dad as he doesn't seem to feel the same way about his own DD as his wife does.

@ReceptacleForTheRespectable

I said it to the room rather then specifically to her.

That doesn't make it any less rude. Tbh, I don't see why a 40 year old would expect to be a major consideration when their parents move house?

If you must be angry, direct your anger at your father - your SM considers her children, but your dad doesn't consider his.

I am way beyond 40 but she has been in his live 40 years point 1 -

So how does one offspring warrant consideration but not another out of interest?

I dont want to be considered - I do NOT care.

I dont need my nose rubbed in the fact that I am less than my SS - thats bloody insensitive is my only, total point.

For those of you with siblings, who all live in a 12 mile radius - would it not strike a chord if your parent said they wouldnt move because of one child but you or any other sibling did not get a mention?

Must be just me then

If you "don't care", how was the statement insensitive?

For the record he is no longer very fast on his feet and she cuddles the phone so if I call I dont get to speak to him until she decides. Its a fact not something I lose sleep over!

This doesn't cover the whole of the last 40 years. He has made a choice. For a start - he could have called you.

OP, I'm so very sorry for the loss of your child.

I'm also sorry to hear how you've lost the relationship with your father. Agree with pp, he's not covered himself in glory by having an affair, ditching your mother and now allowing his wife to rule all his decisions.

I'd say YABU, purely because the precise point - that your DH's wife wants to be close to her daughter - isn't really an issue that I can see. I'm part of a stepfamily, and while I love and have affection for my stepsibs and stepmother, I do know very clearly that their bonds are far stronger. Of course they are.

But YANBU to grieve the loss of your father, and I know it can be very hard to be polite and feel one can't say out loud how hurt one is. I wonder if it would be worth for once saying it all, to get it off your chest? I wonder if the problem is you don't feel like you get a say in the family dynamic at all now? To be honest, it sounds like you h ave a fairly unsatisfactory relationship with your dad now, not sure moving away or having a barney will make it any worse.

Am I advocating a barney?! Not sure. Just for yourself, for your peace of mind, maybe worth telling your dad how you feel. And leaving him to do what he will.

@TheSoapyFrog

I personally don't see it as being insensitive. Your SM doesn't want to move far from her biological child. That is sort of understandable and the pair of you don't sound close at all. If you're going to be miffed with anyone, it should be your dad as he doesn't seem to feel the same way about his own DD as his wife does.

she only cares about moving away from one biological child not both??? Is that normal?

I have a SB too!

@ReceptacleForTheRespectable

If you "don't care", how was the statement insensitive?

For the record he is no longer very fast on his feet and she cuddles the phone so if I call I dont get to speak to him until she decides. Its a fact not something I lose sleep over!

This doesn't cover the whole of the last 40 years. He has made a choice. For a start - he could have called you.

unfortunately it pretty much does actually.

If I read your post right, your father is thinking of moving to Timbuktu and was telling you about this... then your step mum (his wife) said she couldn't possibly move that far away due to your step sister. So it's such a half assed plan they haven't actually discussed it properly? Or did I get that wrong? If they haven't even agreed between them I think YABU - she isn't even your mum.

So when you said "he is no longer fast on his feet..." you meant that this has been the case for 40 years?

And he hasn't been able to make a phone call in that time? Is he literally being held hostage?

@BlueJava

If I read your post right, your father is thinking of moving to Timbuktu and was telling you about this... then your step mum (his wife) said she couldn't possibly move that far away due to your step sister. So it's such a half assed plan they haven't actually discussed it properly? Or did I get that wrong? If they haven't even agreed between them I think YABU - she isn't even your mum.

no they have discussed it - she said - 'I told him I cannot move that far from .......'

YANBU to be upset that your father either doesn’t give a toss or is too spineless to show he gives a toss about you.

she only cares about moving away from one biological child not both??? Is that normal?

Is it any of your business? Are you policing her relationship with her own kids? It sounds like an off the cuff remark about a plan they haven't fully discussed. Seriously, your focus is on the wrong person here.

I'd focus on your relationship with your dad. Either go NC or go LC. But don't expect demonstrations of fatherly love from a man who obviously checked out of the father/daughter relationship a long time ago.

My relationship with my DF is governed entirely by SM. I have not been allowed to spend time with him, without her for over 40 years, not even in adjacent rooms!.
Lets just say if I had made the same statement substituting my DM for them there would be hell to pay!

I can absolutely relate to this! My SM wanted nothing to remind her of the fact that my father had been married before so I have been edged out of the family. I have gone NC with them now as it’s too painful to be constantly reminded that I was an inconvenience.

I do not think you are being over-sensitive and would find this hurtful.

@ReceptacleForTheRespectable

So when you said "he is no longer fast on his feet..." you meant that this has been the case for 40 years?

And he hasn't been able to make a phone call in that time? Is he literally being held hostage?

At least the last 20 yes.

And not quite but he makes no decisions any more about anything - her road or the high road.

Seen by many family members multiple times

@WrongKindOfFace

YANBU to be upset that your father either doesn’t give a toss or is too spineless to show he gives a toss about you.

I agree with this. It's ok to be upset and angry that your dad has been a shit father.

Seems perhaps my consideration for my own SC then is misplaced - ah well fuck em

You were still very rude, and of course you care. If you didn’t you wouldn’t be getting defensive on a post you wouldn’t have even started in the first place.

She wasn’t insensitive at all, but you were rude, and you’re blaming your poor relationship with your dad on her when it’s all his fault. It’s absolutely nothing to do with her.

I don't think your SM was insensitive, but I think you were oversensitive. You also sound jealous.

@heartsonacake

You were still very rude, and of course you care. If you didn’t you wouldn’t be getting defensive on a post you wouldn’t have even started in the first place.

She wasn’t insensitive at all, but you were rude, and you’re blaming your poor relationship with your dad on her when it’s all his fault. It’s absolutely nothing to do with her.

It wasnt rude and neither of them considered it to be. I dont care - am astounded by her bluntness but perhaps it sits alongside many other aspects of her . My life will continue regardless.

My father is never getting an award for fathering and its no secret, he may get one for keeping his life quiet. BUT it is absolutely to do with her

@DottyFlossie

I don't think your SM was insensitive, but I think you were oversensitive. You also sound jealous.

Not a jealous/ envious bone in me. Never has been. And as it goes not an oversensitive type either!

She’s a bitch.
But I’m with the others - the bigger arsehole here is your father.
Poor you

@firstshift

Interesting though as RL people and family members are astounded as me!

I'm the nicest possible way, people you know won't want to upset you so will tend to agree with you, whereas strangers on MN will just tell you it how it is!