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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

amazed at insensitivity

88 replies

firstshift · 24/08/2020 14:13

This weekend my DF and his wife called by. 2nd time in a year ...
They are considering moving for the 35+ time which would involve a social housing exchange. When my DH enquired how it was going the response was ' we have seen somewhere that looks nice in Timbuktu, Timbuktu is a good 4 hour drive from the area we are currently in. My SS also lives within half an hour of me. My SM (using the term loosely) announces she couldnt possibly move that far from SS. I pointed out it was nice to see I featured at all in the consideration ...... No response!
Now dont get me wrong, it has always been blatant I am not the favourite child but I am my DF's only natural child. My SS is the same age as me, has no particular health needs and has no childcare needs she relies on anyone for ......

Is it normal for anyone to be that insensitve? Am I being unreasonable?

To be honest I am just astounded really, it doesnt even hurt after 40 years of it.

Doesnt e

OP posts:

Friendsoftheearth · 24/08/2020 15:55

You are still feeling a great degree of pain from his neglect and indifference from your childhood. You don't need them, you are in your 40s I would think they imagine you to be independent - and so have not considered you in their decision. However I understand that it is just more of the same behaviour from your lacklustre father and SM and I would quietly celebrate them moving away to be honest, no more expectations/disappointments.

It would be worth pointing out you feel it is too far to make the journey so as long as they are happy to visit you then you are happy for them.

You are free of this BS now, let them go and you can live your life in peace.

Original poster

firstshift · 24/08/2020 15:55

@AnneLovesGilbert

Jealous of you, his daughter?

oh yes, and of the relationship we previously had.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 24/08/2020 15:58

Why are you blaming everyone but your dad for him not having a particularly close relationship with you?

Beachbodylonggone · 24/08/2020 15:58

My dm ensured df faded out of my life. And of the lives of his dgc...
She wasn't even 50 when he stopped bothering .
Hadn't seen her for 10 years.
At 40 she decided she wasn't a real dgm and dumped my dc.
They were 9,6,3 and 2.

Ohmygoodnessbreathe · 24/08/2020 16:01

My DH went to Timbuktu once, years before we were married. He said it was very nice. I’d be a bit upset if someone moved there as it is so far away but could make for a good holiday. Not sure if there’s an airport, DH travelled from Ghana through Burkina Faso.

slipperywhensparticus · 24/08/2020 16:02

@AnneLovesGilbert

Jealous of you, his daughter?

My step mum was like this it went from me and you dad are splitting up ps this is my new girlfriend come over for tea on Saturday to them not being in to make an appointment if you want to see your father you cant just show up at the House to why is YOUR DAUGHTER ringing you at work (because she hung up on me when I rang his house) so I turned up at his work for a fag break (the bosses knew and didn't mind as I had worked there in the past) she rang me drunk cursing me out for doing that

I didnt speak to him for years properly

piscean10 · 24/08/2020 16:03

But op you are missing the point spectacularly here.
Your SM is placing her child as a priority so shes at no fault here.
Why are you deliberately ignoring that your DF isnt doing the same?

Besides all of this, you are a 40 year old grown married woman. What do you need your parents right around the corner for?
Surely at this point, they are free to live wherever??

Original poster

firstshift · 24/08/2020 16:04

@WorraLiberty

Why are you blaming everyone but your dad for him not having a particularly close relationship with you?

blaming no-one - he is a pretty hopeless father but the fact is until she staked her claim we had a close relationship. She made sure it ended.

She is a particularly special soul - who held it against me because my child died on her birthday!

OP posts:

ChicCroissant · 24/08/2020 16:06

It sounds like it's your dad that wants to move, not your stepmother if she thinks it's too far from her daughter - why is she getting the blame if it is your dad that is driving the move?

WorraLiberty · 24/08/2020 16:06

blaming no-one - he is a pretty hopeless father but the fact is until she staked her claim we had a close relationship. She made sure it ended.

But again, that's his fault for allowing it.

I have 3 DC and I'm very close to all of them. There is no way on God's earth I'd let anyone change that and my DH is step-father to 2 of them.

billy1966 · 24/08/2020 16:07

OP, your father sounds like an absolute waster.
He had an affair and cheated on your mother and you.

I wouldn't give him any head space, clearly not worth it.

Continue to live your best life without him.

ekidmxcl · 24/08/2020 16:07

OP, it sound like they are doing you a favour by not moving near to you. You don't want them near you do you? They sound like they don't give a shit about you. But YANBU, it was a shitty thing to do for her to actually voice that they care how far they are from her kid but not his.

Lweji · 24/08/2020 16:11

My SM (using the term loosely) announces she couldnt possibly move that far from SS. I pointed out it was nice to see I featured at all in the consideration ......

Were you expecting her to want to be as close to you as to her own child?

Or were you expecting a similar comment from your father?

If your father isn't closer to you and lets her dictate his relationship to you, it's all on him.

But, more important, do you keep expecting a different behaviour to the last whatever decades on his part? Why?

Original poster

firstshift · 24/08/2020 16:11

I dont care where they live, I am under no illusion that I am as important as her daughter (my sister to all intents and purposes and whom I love dearly) who is the same age as me ......

I am simply astounded at the level of insensitivity

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 24/08/2020 16:13

But YANBU, it was a shitty thing to do for her to actually voice that they care how far they are from her kid but not his.

That's not what the OP said.

She said.... My SM (using the term loosely) announces she couldnt possibly move that far from SS.

So her step-mother is very much concerned about moving away from her own child but the OP's dad, doesn't seem concerned about moving away from either of them.

piscean10 · 24/08/2020 16:13

You are still blaming her. If you had a close relationship with your father then wasnt it him who should have protected that?
He made a choice not to.
He had an affair and brought her into your life. So again, he is the one to blame right from the beginning!

hellotoday27 · 24/08/2020 16:14

You need to work out how to move on. I had a pretty crap relationship with my own DF and my SM (now deceased) was awful. However as an adult I spent too many years getting upset with the situation until suddenly I realised I just didn't care anymore. So much happier since.

Now my DF is very elderly and does need extra care, I tend to treat him with the same level attention as he did when as my parent when young. Karma ! Not sure what made me stop caring, but I'm glad I did.
My own DM I see every day and we are very close.

heartsonacake · 24/08/2020 16:17

I pointed out it was nice to see I featured at all in the consideration ...... No response!

That was very rude of you to say. You’re not her child, so of course she’s going to be talking specifically about her own.

If you have a fractured relationship with your Dad that isn’t because of your Stepmum, that’s because your Dad has no balls. If he really cared he’d stand up to his wife.

AcrossthePond55 · 24/08/2020 16:27

I have visited many times, as it happens and have dropped all to be at their bidding

Well, since they're moving to Timbuktu and near SS you won't have to be bothering with that anymore, will you? Your SS can be at their beck and call from now on. AND provide the 'elder care' when the time comes. Sorry, just trying to find a silver lining. I understand that your own DF doesn't care about staying nearby is very hurtful to you. But you've known for a long time that he wants to take the 'easy road'. He's let your SM dominate his relationship with you for 40 years, why should things be any different now?

It's only natural that your SM wants to move nearer her own DD as she ages. I can't fault her simply for wanting to do that. You and she don't have a very good relationship and she doesn't want to rely on you for care as she ages. She wants her own DD.

It's always good for aging parents to live near one of their children. Not so that the child can be at their beck and call, but so they can keep an eye out for problems and help their parent get the help or care they need.

I shudder to think about what would have happened to my mum (rapid onset dementia) if we hadn't been living nearby. She could sound rational over the phone if you hadn't seen her (or us) for some time, but she was actually suffering delusions that we were 'stealing from her' and that people were breaking in. She soon took to wandering about at night and calling 911 ( US version of 999) multiple times. Luckily we were close and were able to find her suitable care facility before she hurt herself or endangered others.

You can't change her, you can't change him. All you can do is find your peace where you are.

Lweji · 24/08/2020 16:28

I am simply astounded at the level of insensitivity

Did you want her not to show affection or mention her own DD because you're not close to your father?

Original poster

firstshift · 24/08/2020 16:29

@heartsonacake

I pointed out it was nice to see I featured at all in the consideration ...... No response!

That was very rude of you to say. You’re not her child, so of course she’s going to be talking specifically about her own.

If you have a fractured relationship with your Dad that isn’t because of your Stepmum, that’s because your Dad has no balls. If he really cared he’d stand up to his wife.

But only her daughter not her son.

I said it to the room rather then specifically to her.

She then went out to talk to her daughter on the phone rather than their granddaughter whose birthday it was .....

Ah well

OP posts:

Inaseagull · 24/08/2020 16:34

Jesus, there's a lot of miserable goady fuckers on the boards today! I just left another thread where someone was being torn to shreds For no discernible reason.

It's a shame your DF is so weak, but after 40 years he is unlikely to change. Maybe this gives you the chance to cut right down on any efforts you are making with them and concentrate on people who enhance your life.

ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 24/08/2020 16:34

If your DF wanted to spend time with you he would - that is down to him not her. If she controls his time with you, it's because he permits that.

And nobody has any right to expect their parents to always live nearby. You're in your 40s! I live hours away from my parents, as does DH. My brother lives on another continent... we survive because we're all independent adults.

ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 24/08/2020 16:36

I said it to the room rather then specifically to her.

That doesn't make it any less rude. Tbh, I don't see why a 40 year old would expect to be a major consideration when their parents move house?

If you must be angry, direct your anger at your father - your SM considers her children, but your dad doesn't consider his.

TorgosPizza · 24/08/2020 16:37

I'll agree with you, OP, that your SM sounds like quite the bitch. Too bad your father is no prize.

Honestly, it sounds like you might be better off with both of them living at a greater distance from you. It doesn't seem like your father is worth the angst, and your SM is clearly not worth a second thought. Time to focus your energies on the positive people in and aspects of your life and give less and less headspace to the toxic ones.

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