Job opportunity - help!

[StayHome89]

NC in case outing and bf knows I use MN. It's not technically an AIBU but the relationship board didn't seem like the right place to post either as it doesn't seem serious enough.

I essentially have the job opportunity of a lifetime, it's not going to come up again. DP and I have been trying to move to a particular place for a while. He convinced his employer to approve an internal transfer and I have been working really hard applying for jobs. I got the job and it's a much better offer than expected. His employer has now suddenly decided to restructure however and told DP that the relocation offer is withdrawn.

I'm devastated. I hate my job, I hate where we live, and I have no family or ties to keep me here other than DP (I'm from another country). This new job is a promotion, a salary increase, an improvement in quality of life as well as the possibility of living somewhere amazing. But there is no way DP can find something else there now this relocation offer has been withdrawn. He's upset as he didn't apply for much better internal jobs to pursue this relocation so he may be stuck with a shit job here anyway. And I will be saying no to an opportunity that will never come again. I've been crying non stop and can't sleep. I can't tell you how much I hate it here and this was an escape. I can't even fathom breaking up or going without him so I will be staying here for him (he's honestly a great partner). But how do I not resent him? And if he quits (which he is considering) and we move for my job, how does he not resent me? if he quits, it's not the kind of job he can come back to. So this would be a life changing decision for him. It may sound like I'm exagerating but we both work in very very niche areas.

The practical solution is to stay here - we both have secure jobs (even though I hate mine) in what is obviously a terrible economic environment.

Any helpful responses would be appreciated because all I want is to go to sleep and never wake up. Fantasizing about writing suicide notes and throwing myself off the building is the only thing helping me sleep. I feel like an enormous failure although I don't know why. Because of Covid, there are no other opportunities for me here and there won't be for a long time.

How far away is the new job? Could you feasibly go and work there during the week and come home at weekends and at the same time DP continue to apply for jobs in the new location?

You sound in a really bad place mentally OP and if this job is going to help that you need to look at all the available options for you to go for it.

The job is on a different continent so travelling back and forth is not an option.

In your position, I would take the job.

The options would be either

a) DH chooses to hand in his notice and move at the same time or
b) he chooses to stay put for the moment while jobhunting or putting on pressure for a transfer, with a view to moving within a time frame that suits you both

If this is a place you both want to move to, and he'll be stuck in a 'shit job', I think he would resent moving less than you would resent staying.

Is the new location somewhere you would both like to stay permanently? If he just moved with you, would he be able to get a visa that allows him to work?

If the answer to both of those is yes then absolutely you should both move, and he should start job hunting there. He doesn't have to stay in the same industry. He could go self employed, retrain, do minimum wage jobs initially.

If your move is likely to be a few years at most then you'll have to have a long distance relationship. They can work, and with a decent salary it sounds like you could afford the travel costs for both of you.

Okay that makes it more difficult but I agree you need to take the job. You really don’t want to be in a position in 2 years time where you’re both unhappy and regret not taking an amazing opportunity.
As it’s a great salary, can you afford for DP to not work for a couple of months when you first arrive while he job hunts?

Take the job. There will be jobs for him when he joins you. Just tell him you're taking the job. Or does he love his job more than he loves you?

I think if his current job is "shit" anyway (does he think this too?) Its definitely worth having a conversation about if you could go. We can't tell you what to do but i think dont give up without discussing it. He won't resent giving up his job if its rubbish anyway and if living on this new continent brings you both happiness?

Take the job.

Take the job!

He already wanted to move there, right?

So you take the job, you both move, he applies fir stuff in the new place. Odds are good that if his current employer really doesn’t want to lose him they’ll figure something out, or he can transition to another career. Niche careers still mean transferable skills. No career is ‘over’ completely ever, life is long.

Take the job, both move. Stop worrying about his sacrifices, let him worry about them.

Go after the job.

Take the job. You'll regret it if you don't.

If he were to quit his job - would you be able to live off your new salary alone for awhile until he can find his feet? Would he consider staying in his current job until he finds a new job in the new location?

Thanks everyone. I know I'll regret not taking the job but I'm also scared of jeopardizing the relationship which I know will happen either way because one of us will be resentful anyway. There's no happy result here and after years of shit and hard work, it felt like I was suddenly getting my break. But I guess nothing is ever easy which is why I'm so so down about it. Everything was lined up so perfectly and now it's been taken away, it's just devastating.

If his job is “shit” for the foreseeable future and the relocation is abroad. I say go! He’s not happy and you’re not happy.

I would have deep chats with him about what he wants career wise and if there are other things he’s interested in.

Take the job. You never know if your DP quits, his opportunity may come up again anyway.

And is there really NO chance he can get a job where it is? none?

Even so. Take the job.

I'm also scared of jeopardizing the relationship which I know will happen either way because one of us will be resentful anyway.

Why do you assume this?

You were happy to move for his job. You didn’t resent him. Why can’t he be equally supportive and not resent you?

Will you sacrifice more for him than he will for you? Why?

Financially we would be fine if he quit. But he really would be quitting a career completely and there's no going back. So it's a decision with massive implication. I don't want to go into the details as it'll be very outing.

@NoSquirrels Because I was actively looking to change anyway whereas he loves his career (in normal times)

Take the job, DP either stays where he is for the short term and tries to relocate, or he comes with you and looks while you are there

Neither of you are happy where you are, you should really go

Your relationship is already doomed i'm afraid.. it's understandable to br sad about it.. but for all that is sacred and mighty do not give up on your dream job for a man
. Men have been dragging obedient compliant little women all around the universe for their jobs.. if he is worth his soul he will understand and respect your decision and if he loves you enough he will come and relocate to support you and your dreams.

Worth his SALT 🙄

It’s his choice though, career or personal life with you. Don’t be guilted into being the one who nobly self-sacrifices for his career. Because you don’t think he’ll do the same for you. And that’s a bit shit, frankly.

I don’t entirely understand why his career is so specific to one country yet transferable too.

Can you afford to fund the both of you while he finds a new job?

Staying where you are doesn't seem wise. I'd be looking at ways to make the move happen. The most likely way appears to be that you both move, and he looks for another job, even if it has to be something a bit different to what he's currently doing.