Job opportunity - help!

[StayHome89]

NC in case outing and bf knows I use MN. It's not technically an AIBU but the relationship board didn't seem like the right place to post either as it doesn't seem serious enough.

I essentially have the job opportunity of a lifetime, it's not going to come up again. DP and I have been trying to move to a particular place for a while. He convinced his employer to approve an internal transfer and I have been working really hard applying for jobs. I got the job and it's a much better offer than expected. His employer has now suddenly decided to restructure however and told DP that the relocation offer is withdrawn.

I'm devastated. I hate my job, I hate where we live, and I have no family or ties to keep me here other than DP (I'm from another country). This new job is a promotion, a salary increase, an improvement in quality of life as well as the possibility of living somewhere amazing. But there is no way DP can find something else there now this relocation offer has been withdrawn. He's upset as he didn't apply for much better internal jobs to pursue this relocation so he may be stuck with a shit job here anyway. And I will be saying no to an opportunity that will never come again. I've been crying non stop and can't sleep. I can't tell you how much I hate it here and this was an escape. I can't even fathom breaking up or going without him so I will be staying here for him (he's honestly a great partner). But how do I not resent him? And if he quits (which he is considering) and we move for my job, how does he not resent me? if he quits, it's not the kind of job he can come back to. So this would be a life changing decision for him. It may sound like I'm exagerating but we both work in very very niche areas.

The practical solution is to stay here - we both have secure jobs (even though I hate mine) in what is obviously a terrible economic environment.

Any helpful responses would be appreciated because all I want is to go to sleep and never wake up. Fantasizing about writing suicide notes and throwing myself off the building is the only thing helping me sleep. I feel like an enormous failure although I don't know why. Because of Covid, there are no other opportunities for me here and there won't be for a long time.

He's missed out on a promotion because of this relocation which is why I say his job is now "shit". He's really upset and kicking himself. So yeah he is considering quitting. But with covid crisis looming we are both worried about his ability to find a new good job.

And me being in a great job with him in a shit job having moved half way across the world for me is a recipe for disaster I think.

If he has a “career” surely he would eventually find another job in the same field? I can’t think of any careers where you quit and that’s if for life 🙄

It sounds like the driving force is the new location, with each of you taking steps to secure a job there? If so, I'd seriously consider (both) going. I don't think his quitting and moving with you is a terrible idea, if it's financially feasible for him to be unemployed for a reasonable period of time - but depending on the location and other circumstances it may not be possible from a visa/work permit perspective.

I know the job market is bad and no one wants to rock the boat, but his employer really does have some responsibility here. Assuming you started applying for jobs after his request to transfer was approved, it's been some time. An intercontinental move usually requires a lot of planning - what if you had quit your current job? Sold your house? Made commitments in the new location? Plus, as you noted, pursuing the transfer and thinking it was approved boxed him out of other internal opportunities. They should at least be forthcoming with him about whether there might be future possibilities in that location and approximately when, and willing to discuss possible accommodations.

Is his work something he could possibly do remotely - either for his current employer or possibly for another (as you said there are no other local opportunities for him in the new place)? Is there any way the foreign office/affiliate could hire him directly, or "host" him to do his existing job from that location ? Are his skills transferrable (again, I know it's a bad time, but looking at the long term) to something with more opportunities in the new location?

It just seems to me that if you turn down the offer and leave things as they are, it's not just you giving up an amazing opportunity, but also both of you giving up what may be the best chance you'll have to relocate to where you both want to live.

It’s his choice though, career or personal life with you. Don’t be guilted into being the one who nobly self-sacrifices for his career. Because you don’t think he’ll do the same for you. And that’s a bit shit, frankly

I'm thinking the same thing which is why I came here. I do know I will resent giving this up for him. Which is the beginning of the end, isn't it?

And me being in a great job with him in a shit job having moved half way across the world for me is a recipe for disaster I think.

But you both being in ‘shit’ jobs in a country you hate is better? Because you’re willing to put up with the career sacrifice for him and won’t resent him?

Either he’s not a great partner or you’re not giving him half enough credit.

But if he’s considering quitting he can’t be that enamoured with the job. Maybe there is another career path for him that he would enjoy just as much if not more?

I don’t understand why there’s zero chance of him working again where you are moving to in his career when his company at least has the ability there...

@WoollyHeadedMammoth His employer have treated him like shit and are really pushing him/us into a corner. The only reason i haven't quit is because my visa is taking ages otherwise I would have been totally in the shit.

Are you saying you can afford to go without him working? I echo others - it's really hard but why should you be the one to sacrifice?

I saw this on another forum recently and it's a hard decision but women do it for men all the time. In that case the reality was the woman's salary couldn't support a family alone.

I'd be worried that his company restructuring and refusing his transfer could mean that it's in trouble.

Do not give io this job. You must take it. I’d say take the leap and and go and your partner comes with you and finds a new job. You’ll regret giving up this job!!!!

If there's restructuring going on there could be the opportunity for voluntary redundancy.

To everyone keep asking about his job and relocation - it was essentially a remote working arrangement, his bosses were fine with it and approved it and doing the paperwork and then, overnight, they changed their minds and took back all remote working agreements (there were a couple of others doing this). That's why his job doesn't exist over there, it never did.

Yes, we can live very comfortably on my salary but what person in their right mind would be happy sitting around the house all day after giving up a decent career???

Take the job! It's the job opportunity of a lifetime. You'll regret it if you don't.

If there is need for a worker in one place, there will be need in another. He might have to start lower down the ladder than he would have been in his current position, but I struggle to believe that moving means the end of his career forever.
In the meantime, whilst you're main breadwinner, he can take on other work or potentially retrain.
This is an opportunity for both of you. You need to look at it with a more positive tilt.
You've been in a job you resent in a place that you hate with a goal to move. He's been in a job he enjoys but in a place he doesn't with a view to move. So now you have the opportunity to both be in the place you wanted to be. He will be uncomfortable at work at first but you get to be happy. Eventually he will too.
Take the job.
Move.
Be happy.

I think you should go. Whether he follows you is up to him.

You hate your job and the place that you live. That’s not going to change if you stay. Please don’t give up this opportunity. What if he’s fired or dumps you? Then you’ve given it up for nothing.

I can't believe you're considering not taking this great job in a country you want to kove to, which has a better package than you expected.

Why do you assume that he will resent you if this job allows you both to move to the place you both want to go?

If his job was transferable at one point, and there are other internal roles he could apply for which would alloe him to move there, then how is there
no way DP can find something else there
?

Is he currently WFH? Does it matter where he is based, with this employer ot another one? Could you sponsor him to work
freelance?

It sounds as though you're assuming this can't work because the perfect scenario hasn't materialised.

What is the best that could happen?

I’m another who thinks you should take the job. If he loved you and has your best interests at heart then he would Not only encourage you to take it but insist on it. My other half did. We are no longer together (but still very good friends) and I am so pleased that I did go as it has led to a really interesting career.

I would suggest you need to be cautious. If I were you (and finances allow) I would take the job and move with a provisional 6 month (a lot can become clear in 6 months e.g. if you really do like the job, the location, living costs become clearer etc. Not to mention completing a probation period if applicable?)
I would suggest he records with his employer that as a couple you have acted on the offer for him to work remotely and that you are too far along to back out so while he understands the current position he would appreciate it if they could keep this channel open for him in the future.
After 6 months if all is well with your job and you are happy and set up he can approach his employer again and see if it is possible to relocate, if not then that would be a much safer time for him to quit with you being established. If not then you could either extend period or come back without him having jeopardised his job and career.

Thanks everyone - as I read these responses, it is becoming clearer that maybe me moving for a bit to see how it goes and him following after might be the way to go i.e. I try it out for 6 months and if it goes well, DP could look at resigning and joining me. Not my first choice in a perfect world by any stretch but I hadn't even considered it before this thread. In my mind it was very much all or nothing to be honest.

Is there nowhere nearish, that you would like to live, so your partner could stay in his job and you could look for another that suits you better,

I moved with DH - gave up a job and moved 3/4 months after he did.

He did research for properties and schools, stuff like transferring driving licenses and setting up bank accounts.

He should have transferable skills. He might prefer a easier paced profession and enjoy the sunshine or find a business opportunity!!

If he wants to work he’ll find a job and it’s got to be easier to find one living there than not.

what person in their right mind would be happy sitting around the house all day after giving up a decent career???

Yet women do it all the time. Take the job, don't give up YOUR opportunity for you both to be stuck in shit jobs.

What does he want to do?

I don't know why anyone would choose to stay in the UK at the moment if they didn't have to. Take the job.

Oh take it! Don't be yet another woman who makes compromises for a man who wouldn't dream of doing the same. What you want matters too!