Job opportunity - help!

[StayHome89]

NC in case outing and bf knows I use MN. It's not technically an AIBU but the relationship board didn't seem like the right place to post either as it doesn't seem serious enough.

I essentially have the job opportunity of a lifetime, it's not going to come up again. DP and I have been trying to move to a particular place for a while. He convinced his employer to approve an internal transfer and I have been working really hard applying for jobs. I got the job and it's a much better offer than expected. His employer has now suddenly decided to restructure however and told DP that the relocation offer is withdrawn.

I'm devastated. I hate my job, I hate where we live, and I have no family or ties to keep me here other than DP (I'm from another country). This new job is a promotion, a salary increase, an improvement in quality of life as well as the possibility of living somewhere amazing. But there is no way DP can find something else there now this relocation offer has been withdrawn. He's upset as he didn't apply for much better internal jobs to pursue this relocation so he may be stuck with a shit job here anyway. And I will be saying no to an opportunity that will never come again. I've been crying non stop and can't sleep. I can't tell you how much I hate it here and this was an escape. I can't even fathom breaking up or going without him so I will be staying here for him (he's honestly a great partner). But how do I not resent him? And if he quits (which he is considering) and we move for my job, how does he not resent me? if he quits, it's not the kind of job he can come back to. So this would be a life changing decision for him. It may sound like I'm exagerating but we both work in very very niche areas.

The practical solution is to stay here - we both have secure jobs (even though I hate mine) in what is obviously a terrible economic environment.

Any helpful responses would be appreciated because all I want is to go to sleep and never wake up. Fantasizing about writing suicide notes and throwing myself off the building is the only thing helping me sleep. I feel like an enormous failure although I don't know why. Because of Covid, there are no other opportunities for me here and there won't be for a long time.

Congratulations! I am another one saying 'take the job'. You will always regret it if you don't give it a go. If the arrangement doesn't work out the way you had hoped (for whatever reason), you can always move back/find another role but at least you will have the salary and role on your CV.

And more and more companies seem to be looking at offering 100% remote working (from wherever) so he may well find another role elsewhere? Not sure quite how niche his role is...

You're going to have to talk to DP. Then make a decision based on the outcome of the discussion.
If he doesn't want to move and you do then you either move without him or you stay. Make sure you don't regret your decision.

I had a job where I had to live and travel all over the world

Now that I don't do it. I'm so glad I got the chance. I loved that job. It was my heart and soul. I love the memories that it created. I also worked in a very niche male dominated industry.

I wouldn't 100% change it!!!

I'd go for the job. You'll forever wonder what if......

Long distance worked for me

Fortunately along with my job it had a hefty wage packet. Which mean I was self sufficient from the age of 18. Earning 50k 2 years later and earning 6 figures by the time I was 25. I've now got properties over the world. As it only went up from there. Despite the wage. Even if it had been min wage. I'd do it again!

If you're happy at your job. You're happy in life. Work is almost 50% of our life and it's almost not a job if you love it.

Go for it. It works.

you haven't given a clear indication of what your DH thinks OP, what are his thoughts about the situ ? 🌺

There's no happy result here

Then take the job

At least you will be happy at work

It might work out with your DP

If not - at least you are happy with your job and no resentment

@LadyLairdArgyll He's very conflicted and hasn't processed it yet. The news from his bosses came as a shock. He's upset about how it was handled but he's also scared of the economic climate and the prospect of not just leaving a career but also not finding any other suitable job either. He's an ambitious professional (like me), a random job is not going to satisfy him (even if he finds one which atm is not guaranteed). He would need to find another job prior to moving there because of visa requirements which makes it even trickier.

how old are you and how long have you been together. At what stage is your relationship?

TBH, you don't mention marriage or children or even TTC. I think I would give the new job a go even though the logistics are hard. If it is a strong and solid relationship, it will survive the distance for a while. you guys can reassess 6-12 months down the line. but I would not let this opportunity slip

@StayHome89

Thanks everyone - as I read these responses, it is becoming clearer that maybe me moving for a bit to see how it goes and him following after might be the way to go i.e. I try it out for 6 months and if it goes well, DP could look at resigning and joining me. Not my first choice in a perfect world by any stretch but I hadn't even considered it before this thread. In my mind it was very much all or nothing to be honest.

This is a good compromise OP. Grab this opportunity -which you may not get again - with both hands.

This gives you both thinking space whilst his current job (or redundancy if that's where his job is going) is sorted out.

Also ask yourself:
In your shoes what would he do?

Good luck to you both. 🌹

@StayHome89 would your OP give up his dream job for you? If the roles were reversed what do you think he would do?
Now I don’t know him at all but I bet you he would take it.

Dp sorry not op

I wanted to move out of my original country since being a kid. In the last year of uni i met my husband. He never wanted to move, couldn't even fathom the idea. We had a kid, jobs, own company, then shit hit the fan and just for the fuck of it I applied to a job in London. And I got it. At Google. Once in a lifetime opportunity.
I've stayed 16 years in that country because of him, even though i hated it. So I accepted and he came after me. He changed careers* because of me. And although he initially wasn't happy about it, he now loves it.

If a relationship is okay, then these compromises can be worked out. He should understand that a once in a lifetime opportunity is what it says on the tin.

*his original career involves a lot of country specific regulations and exams that h didn't want to do

Their change of heart due to a "restructure" would be ringing alarm bells if I was him. Any time a company uses the word restructure these days, it always means headcount reduction. You've got an offer in the bag, where the finances stack up.

In his shoes, I'd be looking for a job where your new one is, even if it's a contracting role and be gone in a shot, even if it meant you had to go first and he follows later.

In both your positions, what is there actually keeping you here? This place is only going to get worse for the foreseeable future. Yes, it could be argued that the world economy is shot, but where you go can't be worse than here surely.

He needs to "bite the bullet" and go for it.

@PhilCornwall1 This is how I feel as well and i have no chance to change careers / jobs in the UK at the moment. so I'd be stuck in a depressing job in a very depressing place! It would if I were close to family but I'm not, and because of Covid I will not see them until next year at least!

Could you feasibly support both of you if gr moved without a job? Alternatively long distance for a while can work. I had a similar situation and DP lived in the place we have now settled in for a 18 months while I qualified and then job hunted. It wasn't great as we where a 12 hr plane ride apart but it worked out for the best in the end

I'd take the job. Still struggling to understand why he can only do his job in the UK though, are you absolutely sure there isn't an overseas equivalent in the country you're moving to?

Yes, we can live very comfortably on my salary but what person in their right mind would be happy sitting around the house all day after giving up a decent career???

Most mothers! I’m sure he can find himself a little job for some pin money or, you know, just find something else to keep him going. If his employers are treating him like shit, have moved the goalposts on the remote working thing and he’s not going to be happy there having missed out on promotions, I’d bet that he’ll want to leave in the next year anyway. Then how will you feel if you’ve given up this job?

I wish you well OP, with so much uncertainty in employment just now, its a great opportunity 🌺