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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Humiliating colleague...

67 replies

PicklePig31 · 24/08/2020 07:19

Hello fellow Mumsnetters, I need some advice...

What would you do about a colleague who continuously makes comments/put downs in front of other people?

Examples of these so far include:

1: Whilst talking about childcare and discussing experiences (she doesn’t have kids) saying ‘PicklePig dont say you understand, you only have one dc and I have none, we don’t get it at all’.

2: Whilst in a meeting with other members of staff I was voicing my point of view over an issue and she put her hand up next to me to tell me to stop talking (this woman is my line manager).

3: Comments like ‘no one cares picklepig’ ‘you need to think of the positives...’ (after we’d had a serious safety incident in our workplace) and ‘you’ve had such a sheltered life’.

This woman is younger than me, clearly has a massive chip on her shoulder about life but really I’m looking for strategies/ways to deal with her when we return to work in a week.

Help!

OP posts:
BlackCatsRule88 · 24/08/2020 07:22

Are all three examples the same person and if so, is this person your line manager or your colleague?

bestnest · 24/08/2020 07:27

The next time she does anything, I would respond very coolly and calmly "if you continue to belittle and berate me, we will be sitting down with HR" then walk off. She'll be totally freaked out.

Or keep a record of all the things she has said to you, and have a meeting with her to take her through it. The main point here being that she'll see you've documented it all. She'll be very concerned about anyone else seeing it, so I would hope this would help change her behaviour.

Original poster
PicklePig31 · 24/08/2020 07:27

@BlackCatsRule88 all the same person. Line manager/colleague as in same dept at work.

OP posts:
cameocat · 24/08/2020 07:29

Do you report to her? Her words are belittling, keep documenting, point it out to her, report to HR if it continues.

Original poster
PicklePig31 · 24/08/2020 07:29

Thanks @bestnest. I was going to try the approach of ‘did you mean to come across as belittling/humiliating?’ and then walk away cool as a cucumber.

I mentioned her behaviour to another person I work with. She has form for being disgusting to others historically and this person just said ‘you seem to have forgotten this is how she is’.

I just find it unacceptable. I am a line manager also and would never speak to people like that.

OP posts:
Original poster
PicklePig31 · 24/08/2020 07:30

Yes @cameocat but there are people above her so I’d need to skip her to go to them/HR.

OP posts:
BeingATwatItsABingThing · 24/08/2020 07:33

I would be writing down every incident with dates and any witnesses and taking it to HR. Her ‘just being like that’ isn’t acceptable and she needs to be picked up on it.

cameocat · 24/08/2020 07:37

@PicklePig31 it is absolutely unacceptable to be like that I agree and I'm pleased to hear that you are unwilling to be walked all over. She does it because others allow it 'and it's just how she is'. So many times people post on here but then feel they cannot action. Will you have support from those more senior to her?

PopsicleHustler · 24/08/2020 07:38

Do not let her get away with talking to you . As @BeingATwatItsABingThing said.....write it a down, dated and the like and give it someone higher up in the company who will deal with it properly

Incrediblytired · 24/08/2020 07:41

Also, keep a little folder in your emails for anything that’s in writing. If you go down the grievance route it will help

SerenDippitty · 24/08/2020 07:46

Holding up your hand to shut someone up in a meeting is totally unacceptable unless the speaker is being offensive!

And the other stuff is not acceptable either.

SilentSally · 24/08/2020 07:51

”if you continue to belittle and berate me, we will be sitting down with HR"

This is an excellent response.

Original poster
PicklePig31 · 24/08/2020 07:53

@SerenDippitty I just sat there incredulous when it happened. Witnessed by 20 others too. The discussion was about opinions on moving the company forwards in the current climate... Clearly my opinion was not allowed (the others in the meeting were mainly my level of seniority, she is above me but her bosses were also there).

My worry is she is very loved by the others above her (she is from a rough part of the city we live in - I’m an outsider) as a ‘local girl done good’ but unfortunately I don’t appreciate her methods/way of behaving at all and she needs to go on a social awareness course to learn how to speak to others.

I’ve been told in the past that she has form for being very nice to people’s faces about things but then going behind their backs to get them in trouble. I’m completely anti this.

OP posts:
Winterwoollies · 24/08/2020 07:53

Sorry to slightly go off on a tangent but the first comment in this post is asking questions the OP has clearly explained. Is it a passive aggressive thing to fail to read the OP and then ask daft questions?! Or do people genuinely not read what’s right there in front of them and comment anyway? Bizarre.

RedHelenB · 24/08/2020 07:59

I'd have ignored the out up hand and insisted that as I was at the meeting I wished to put my point of view.

Milssofadoesntreallyfit · 24/08/2020 08:01

People only behave like this because others don't or wont't challenge it. Have you ever been in the position in the past where you have and the person in question says 'oh don't be so sensitive, or I didn't mean it like that!' This is what they do, they keep it so close tot he bone that people can feel daft challenging them.

But please do, your not being sensitive and even if she doesn't mean it she still shouldn't be speaking to people like this. I've always been the kind of person to pull someone up and find it surprising how many people think they can get away with stuff like this and then turn it round on you for being over sensitive etc.
The more people like her get pulled the quicker they realise that they need to shut up unless they have something decent to say.

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/08/2020 08:01

After your last update, I suspect if you challenge her, she will target you for the back stabbing. Is there any chance of a sideways move or promotion in the company? I’m not saying to let her bully you. But you need to be really smart and careful.

Longtalljosie · 24/08/2020 08:05

When I had a bully as a boss in my first newsroom I made it very obvious I was writing his words down. Didn’t even need to go to HR, he joined the dots himself...

ErickBroch · 24/08/2020 08:11

I mean, my manager is worse than this and our workplace refuse to do anything about it - they love bullies apparently it's just a 'management style'!

Shizzlestix · 24/08/2020 08:17

if you continue to belittle and berate me, we will be sitting down with HR" then walk off.

Beautiful! And yes to the careful noting down of what she says to humiliate you as she does it. I’d go so far as to say ‘Sorry, can you just repeat that, I want to to rod it accurately”.

ivykaty44 · 24/08/2020 08:20

I would do as pp states

if you continue to belittle me and berate me Ill put in a grievance about you with HR

then stop and say no more

BlackCatsRule88 · 24/08/2020 08:20

Jeez, I was just trying to clarify as in this context I wouldn’t call my line manager a colleague, I’d call them my line manager. That would then relate to how I’d deal with a situation.

Iminthewrongstory · 24/08/2020 08:24

I have worked with bullies/underminers and it is really not fun. Quietly acknowledging their behaviour often is the best first route, as in (regarding your examples.)

  1. I believe I do understand, we all have different experiences, but empathy is a great thing...(continue making point.)
  2. If I can just finish my point...(if you hadn't finished it.) Or if you felt shut down and saying more would cause a scene, asking her afterwards, 'Just to be clear, why did you feel I shouldn't speak?'
  3. 'I wonder why you think I've had a sheltered life? Anyway, I am still concerned about....what do you think the next steps are?'
In other words, acknowledge what she has said, but don't be walked all over. In my personal experience, bullies, if that's what she is, don't change, but they can back off if there is a little strategic push back. I also looked at my own behaviour - I can come into a meeting with tonnes of ideas - some people like that and it gets on others' nerves. So I was careful about don't dominating, if I thought that was happening.
Winterwoollies · 24/08/2020 08:31

Blackcats But she said she was her line manager. It was also clearly about the same person. It’s something that happens on here a lot and it puzzles me. I wondered if it was just one of those MN things like not celebrating birthdays and loving having no fuss made and being an alcoholic after one small glass of Shiraz.

bananaskinsnomnom · 24/08/2020 08:31

God I hate people like this. Even more so people who allow it in terms of “oh that’s just there way, don’t take it to heart” (in other words my old Manager was spineless. Until the effects started to ripple through the whole place)

Are you part of a union? I would log everything with them. My old manager started to get her back straight a bit once she realised I was part of one and new my rights (this actually came up when she was adamant I didn’t qualify for a certain amount of annual leave). Keep a log. Report it. Report it to your union. If work don’t act appropriately, get someone else involved. You might find your the first one with the guys to stand up and others may join you. You might not be alone here.

It’s scary though I know. And sometimes leaving feels like letting the bully win. I feel like work bullies will get their karma some day. I hope.

Best of luck OP