Humiliating colleague...

[PicklePig31]

Hello fellow Mumsnetters, I need some advice...

What would you do about a colleague who continuously makes comments/put downs in front of other people?

Examples of these so far include:

1: Whilst talking about childcare and discussing experiences (she doesn’t have kids) saying ‘PicklePig dont say you understand, you only have one dc and I have none, we don’t get it at all’.

2: Whilst in a meeting with other members of staff I was voicing my point of view over an issue and she put her hand up next to me to tell me to stop talking (this woman is my line manager).

3: Comments like ‘no one cares picklepig’ ‘you need to think of the positives...’ (after we’d had a serious safety incident in our workplace) and ‘you’ve had such a sheltered life’.

This woman is younger than me, clearly has a massive chip on her shoulder about life but really I’m looking for strategies/ways to deal with her when we return to work in a week.

Help!

I agree with others you need to make sure she doesn't think it's worth fucking with you. All the passive aggressive bullshit she pulls she thinks other people don't notice because they don't say anything. So you pull her up publicly on everything she does. If she's rude, ask her to repeat what she said and write it down. If she puts her hand up like that, then ask her not to. She should get the message that messing with you might be more bother than its worth and move on to someone else. Document everything so that if she ramps up rather than down you have a record.

I'm s teacher to and used to have an HoD who was a bully in my nqt year. I worked in a tough school but it was her who was stressing me out the most! Luckily we had a good professional mentor and I made a complain to him, he suggested doing an unofficial mediation meeting before taking an official route and things vastly improved. I did not want to accept that someone thinks that being a bully is a management style. What is your union saying about this?
I worked keep a detailed log of all the things she says/does, and maybe ask a colleague whom you trust if they wished to support you if there is a need for backing you up, maybe someone she mistreated. It's hard when the bully is liked, in my last school I was in a similar situation when the popular person was a bully and get a lot of favouritism in terms of promotions etc. Luckily they were not my hod.

Two of my best ever managers were women younger than me, so it's a dynamic that can work very well, but at times, I'm sure, it required diplomacy on both of our sides.

I wonder, say, in the email instance, if it wouldn't have been better to send her a draft of the complaint email and say, 'What do you think? Is this what we want to say?' You probably feel put out because you went to the effort of showing it to teachers from other schools, but wouldn't it have been better to just negotiate it directly with her as they might not be aware of the situation at the school? Or perhaps I've misunderstood the email chain where you work.

Walking on eggshells is a pain but I still think you two may just be finding your way. You say the 'shit hit the fan' - did she do more than say you needed to have an online meeting because she didn't like the tone? I worked one place were tone was highly policed and there was so much intrigue - the house of the Medici had nothing on us.

(Sorry, I don't mean to belittle your concerns, it sounds annoying, but just giving some perspective. )

@Iamthewombat completely see your point. I think I’ve tried to explain it as fairly as I can. My very nature is to be reflective and consider how I can make a situation better/take responsibility but I’m struggling hence my post.

I was promoted to the job I’m in now. I love it. I wouldn’t want to be more senior. My issue, and why I’ve written this post is because I’m struggling with dealing with this person and just want to get on with my job.

The safety issue would have led to death. End of story. Without being outing and telling you the details, I was definitely not in the wrong for saying that it was underplayed by more senior members of staff (line manager included). My place of work has had issues this year (outside of my dept) with sexist and homophobic bullying that have led to staff leaving after not being supported correctly. I’m extremely concerned that this is what will happen to me if I say anything about this as PP’s have said, they protect the senior members of staff.

I think a line manager saying anything to anyone during a meeting is counter productive. The way I would have dealt with it would be to say something calmly after the meeting to the person I was managing.

Also, line manager has been teaching longer than me. She’s also only 2 years younger than me.

This isn’t an age/experience thing!

@PicklePig31

Also, line manager has been teaching longer than me. She’s also only 2 years younger than me.

This isn’t an age/experience thing!

Ah, I see. You mentioned her being younger than you in your opening post so I thought it was significant. And possibly tied to your impression that she had a chip on her shoulder.

Ugh, what a cunt. I had a colleague like that. Keep a note of the things they say and go to HR.

"Is it possible that you were “voicing your opinion” at great length without offering solutions? Is it possible that you had lost the room already and hadn’t noticed?"

It's for the Chair to decide this and to deal with it tactfully.
Were I chairing a meeting, I would not allow a speaker to be interrupted so rudely.

It puzzles me too, Blackcats.

Do you ever pull her up on her comments? It sounds like you haven't much so far out of shock, but I think that's the obvious route and can be done in a way that isn't confrontational. Position it as clarification - especially when there are others around, so appeal to them - so for eg. on Example 1: "Oh, do others feel that childcare experience is only relevant if you have more than two children - if so I'll wait to hear from others' On Example 2 (the worst imo ito management): '(To chair): Apologies have I misunderstood, I thought you were looking for our thoughts at this stage?' On Example 3: "To clarify, do you feel this wasn't a serious incident? Or do you want to focus on learnings and how we can move forward at this stage?'
It's difficult to tell from a one-sided snapshot, but it also sounds to me like you are 'stuck' in junior mode - focusing on negatives, issues, talking about the problem; where she is in a more senior 'problem solving/moving forward' mode: which can create tensions. If she was more sensitive she would just listen and then move into solutions mode to give you a chance to air your views, but it does also sound like sometimes you maybe need to think about whether you can think about your recommendations/suggestions rather than focusing on re-working the problem too....

Now I’ve read your a teacher, you need to go to her line manager (or whoever line manages your dept) take a union rep with you. This is bullying. Would she speak to one of the kids like that? In class if they put their hand up would she say no body cares? No she wouldn’t so you shouldn’t put up with it either.

I remember a meeting someone saying excuse me I am speaking. Op do not let this go. How rude of her. I worked in a builders he could be rude. He was never challenged.. they think they can keep doing it

I have a line manager like this. Revered by SLT as well 🙄 keep a list and go to HR. Can someone else line manage you? Or is it worth looking for another job?

@AndwhenyougetthereFoffsomemore

1. The childcare comment was made as we were both listen to two other people at work discuss their children. I said ‘oh I get it, it must be so difficult’. That is when the comment was made. Blindsided me to be honest.

2/3 are both situations where I have tried to move forwards but as I said, I was stopped by talking through a suggestion in a meeting and also, the response to the safety incident was well below what you’d expect in an educational setting (there was another staff member involved in the incident and he also aired the same concerns!)

Trust me, I just want to do my job and constantly move things forwards but as I said before, I feel like I can’t at times because I have a line manager that is rude, abrupt and talks completely out of turn. A PP asked what she did in front of students - let’s just say I wouldn’t speak to a child in the way she does but it seems it’s her accepted way at my school.

Thank you for everyone’s advice though. I don’t really want to go down the official grievance policy as it will make things 100x worse (I said earlier about the incidents of bullying that left staff to leave).

@Winterwoollies

Sorry to slightly go off on a tangent but the first comment in this post is asking questions the OP has clearly explained. Is it a passive aggressive thing to fail to read the OP and then ask daft questions?! Or do people genuinely not read what’s right there in front of them and comment anyway? Bizarre.

The OP is confusing. I don't refer to my line manager as my colleague or vice versa.

@PicklePig31 You love your job and (IMO) it would be madness to quit a job during a pandemic as a PP suggested above.
I agree with your instinct not to rush to an official grievance - that sometimes solidifies something that can be worked around other ways. Everything she has done sounds rude, but it will be interesting to see if you find ways of working around it.

Good luck - this must be a stressful time for all teachers.

Thank you @Iminthewrongstory. I’m going to try and be savvy in the current climate, our school hours are reduced now anyway with no meetings/working from home after school so hopefully that means less contact time for things to be said.

I do think that’s it’s maybe her personality and also a lack of experience managing someone who she sees as her level (both of us did the same job until a year ago - albeit mine in a different school). I’ve made a sideways move and she’s been promoted but maybe doesn’t know how to deal with that.

We will see. I’ll try and remain positive and thank you everyone for giving excellent advice/things to consider.