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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what I did wrong?

83 replies

ImNotStupid · 24/08/2020 05:57

Because I don’t understand what’s happened. Can anyone help me unpick it?

My boyfriend has been going through a lot of work stress, think he had some type of breakdown so he completely withdrew from me, asked me for space. This lasted about 3 weeks, in that time I sent a few supportive texts asking how he was and saying I was there for him when he was ready to talk.

He text me on Saturday, the text just said hi with no kisses or anything. So I replied back ‘hi how are you feeling? Xxx’. He said I’m ok then nothing else.

I’ll admit I got a bit upset about this because I hadn’t heard from him in 3 weeks then felt like he’d left me to worry about him not knowing what was going on and then couldn’t be bothered to talk to me when he decided to get back in touch. So I sent a text saying I was upset.

He read this and then blocked me, I don’t understand why? Was I wrong to be upset? Everything was going so well before this happened and now I feel like I didn’t even mean enough to him that he couldn’t tell me what was going on or why he didn’t want to talk to me. Did I overreact? I feel like I’ve made a complete mess of everything.

OP posts:
IsolaPribby · 24/08/2020 08:56

So when you text back to say you were upset, what exactly did you say?

Lovemusic33 · 24/08/2020 08:56

He’s not interested, sorry.

He wants to end it but is scared of your reaction, he’s being a cowered and hoping you will just stop messaging if he ignores you. You have only been together 5 months, don’t give him any more of your time, he’s not worth it if he can’t even talk to you. Block him and move on.

Original poster
ImNotStupid · 24/08/2020 08:59

@IsolaPribby I said ‘Can you tell me what’s going on? After nearly a month of not talking to me you just send me a text that says I’m ok and then nothing else? Can you tell me why?’

OP posts:
VesperLynne · 24/08/2020 09:03

Ablackrussian , agree but I wouldn't put my life on hold waiting for an answer you may never get.

Wherehavealltgegoodnamesgone · 24/08/2020 09:05

He doesn’t sound very nice but when you say I sent a few supportive texts asking how he was and saying I was there for him when he was ready to talk, how many is a few?

Marpan · 24/08/2020 09:06

People in relationships don’t do that, my DH never did that to me.
It’s over, he’s kind of ghosting but not quite.

BaconsLaw · 24/08/2020 09:07

How old are you both?

roxfox · 24/08/2020 09:07

Be glad it's over now and you don't have to put up with years of his bullshit

IsolaPribby · 24/08/2020 09:15

@ImNotStupid well that explains it! You called him out on his behaviour, and he can't be bothered to keep up the poor troubled me act any longer.

I agree with everyone else, draw a line, block him from everything, and move on.

CoraPirbright · 24/08/2020 09:15

Just to put a bit of a different spin on it, I have a friend who suffers from depression and just needs to be left alone to sort her head out during bad periods. Her text messages will often be just one word. Could he simply be struggling MH-wise? You do say he is v stressed and has some other stuff going on. Of course, with my friend, there is also a bit of a drama-related element to it - she likes ppl to be worried about her too so this could be the same with him?

Either way, I would consider the whole thing to be at an end. If he wants to reconnect later then you can take a view on it.

hammie46i · 24/08/2020 09:17

@Laaalaaaa

5 months - you actually sound needy. If he needed space after 5 months give him it - don’t keep texting when he doesn’t reply. Take the hint - it’s not a serious, long term relationship.
Disagree with this.
Queenest · 24/08/2020 09:17

He sounds selfish and your future self will be glad it ended here. Imagine having kids with this man??

CrazyToast · 24/08/2020 09:19

You arent remotely needy or unreasonable. His stress is no excuse to treat you so badly. I don't know why many men can't just be honest. You ask them straight out to tell you the truth and they still lie.

This is very awful and hurtful, but its not your fault. He is being a selfish twat. You are definitely better off without him.

Beachbodylonggone · 24/08/2020 09:22

I would guess he wasn't alone for those 3 weeks. Saying he might not always text back was the give away.
.

WhereYouLeftIt · 24/08/2020 09:27

"I understand I reacted badly and shouldn’t have got upset but I’d been worrying about him for weeks and that response just made me feel like he hadn’t cared at all."

You did not react badly. Why shouldn't you have got upset at how he was treating you?

You seem to be taking on far too much responsibility here, blaming yourself for his behaviour. Please, think about that. Why is it your fault, and not his? Your feelings should be just as important to you than his. In fact, they should be more important, because you are the most important person to you.

He's behaving appallingly. At least he's doing it early in the relationship so that you can exit it cleanly.

STOP BLAMING YOURSELF FOR OTHER'S BEHAVIOUR.

Alwaysoutofreach · 24/08/2020 09:31

Walk away OP.

You sound lovely, but a little broken, you shouldn't feel like that after 5 months, thats still honeymoon territory.

Concentrate on you, and know you didn't do anything wrong, and that you deserve so much more than this.

Best of luck 💐

YgritteSnow · 24/08/2020 09:32

I think he's probably got eyes on someone else tbh.

MeanWeedratStew · 24/08/2020 09:33

I had one of these. He'd lost interest, but somehow thought it would be better to waste my time with this "I need space" bullshit than to end it cleanly and let me move on.

I wasted far too much time agonising over the twat, and I hope you won't do the same. Look ahead, live your life and leave him in the past where he belongs.

Jimdandy · 24/08/2020 09:35

Just dump him.

Don’t send him any texts or calls, don’t reply to anything.

Don’t let people treat you this way!!

AntiHop · 24/08/2020 09:37

I don't think you did anything wrong. He sounds selfish and self absorbed.

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 24/08/2020 09:40

OP you sound like me when I was in my 20s. Always shouldered the blame if a guy treated me badly. All I ended up with was low self-esteem and an abusive partner because I didn't want to be alone.

Don't over-analyse this. It's not a long term relationship, he asked for space but also said it was OK to check in on him which you did. And for almost a month you heard nothing from him. He might have been having MH issues, we can't know for sure. He might have been using work stress as a convenient excuse to have some time doing whatever he liked knowing you were there waiting.

He is not the one for you. See this for the life lesson it is and try not to shoulder blame where you have none.

msflibble · 24/08/2020 09:41

You poor thing OP. It's horrible to be messed around like this by a self-centred manipulative prick, which is exactly what he is. Remember: you did nothing wrong. You gave him the space he asked for. You texted him, like he asked you to, and didn't make a fuss when he didn't reply. You replied to his message with a kind and loving response. None of this is your fault.

This is entirely about him. He sounds like a very unbalanced person. I've known people like this and unfortunately they are rarely able to treat people in their life well because they are so busy trying to cope with life themselves. It's not exactly his fault but it does mean you need to forget him. His MH issues mean that his behaviour will always be inconsistent and he will reject you when he feels like it, or pull you back in when he gets lonely or sees that you are moving on.

Change your number. Block him on social media and block his email address. Forget the good times, unfortunately the caring person you knew never really existed. Grieve for the relationship you thought you had appropriately, but then move on and start dating again (be prepared for this to take a few months). Spend lots of time with friends. And if you ever hear from him again, don't let him back in to hurt you. Because that's what he'll do.

Serendipity79 · 24/08/2020 09:41

"Don't stop texting but I might not always reply" ?? This would be a no for me - he's asking you to keep running after him and he'll only answer when he feels like it. Its only been a few months, I'd walk away

GinDrinker00 · 24/08/2020 09:43

I’d assume it’s over and just move on. It’s not like it’s a serious thing after 5 months.

Enchantmentz · 24/08/2020 09:44

I don't think you did anything op, he could be just cowardly ending the relationship and even if it is related to his MH it is not for you to feel responsible for it, as in try to make it better or take blame. I have a male friend who has struggled for a while and had wobbles and I was sympathetic at first but noticed a pattern that if he didn't feel I was keeping up contact or if I had other plans etc, he would have a wobble, so I stopped any kind of pandering. Now he is using other means such as saying will move away for a job and it got no reaction other than a breezy congratulations, not heard from him since.

It is slightly different but my point is don't get pulled in to pandering or putting up with weeks of ghosting if he comes round, in your case it is upsetting in mine it is annoying and ruined what was a good friendship. You are not responsible.