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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this isn't a normal way to live?

57 replies

Anaisthrow · 23/08/2020 14:39

24 hours a day I experience an endless loop of negative thoughts about myself. Hour after hour I replay every clumsy thing I ever said, every mistake I ever made at work, every difficult conversation with my DH that I could have handled better, every time I was a less-than-perfect daughter, sister, wife. Every day I mull over every hurtful thing I ever said to my parents as a bratty teenager, despite being an adult now and having a good relationship with them.

I magnify my shortcomings until they completely overwhelm me. I find plenty to admire in others but usually find myself falling short by comparison. I spent time looking at my schoolfriends' linked-in profiles the other day and feel so disappointed in myself and how little I've achieved. They are directors, senior associates, "heads of" and "founders" and I am in what is essentially a glorified admin job earning the same as I did six years ago.

We had the same education and I did very well at school/uni. It's like I've convinced myself since then that I'm not a clever person capable of achieving that level of success. That I'm just a fraud desperately trying to remain in the same social circle as these wonderful, beautiful intelligent women.

Nights are the same with a nice little dollop of "catastrophising" thrown in. I lie there in the dark and some minor issue with the house will be held siege by my overactive imagination. Hours later I'm still awake and by this point I have convinced myself the house is falling down or subsiding, the insurance won't pay out, we won't be able to afford the repairs etc.

If my mind were a person I would think it hated me.

Ultimately though I'm not depressed, or even generally unhappy. I walk the dog every day and look up at the blue sky and the trees and the dappled sunshine and for a couple of hours I'm at peace. Then I'm back at my desk or at home and the cycle starts again.

I don't know how to live like this. Am I supposed to feel this on edge for the rest of my life? How can I find anything to like about myself?

OP posts:
2020iscancelled · 23/08/2020 14:43

No, not that does not sound like a “normal” way to live.

Some people are definitely more caught up in negative thoughts or are ruminators - they over think and over analyse everything, whilst others seem to make peace with shit and move on quickly (or just force the issue down and close the door Grin like me)

I think if you’re constantly dealing with intrusive thoughts then you should try to address this, as you may not feel depressed but you could certainly enjoy life more without the narrative of shit running on loop in your head.

I’m sure others will be along with good advice and experience Flowers

EinsteinaGogo · 23/08/2020 15:05

Hi OP.

You poor thing - that's exhausting.

I know you say you're not depressed, but depression covers a wide range of mental health issues.

Obviously this is an armchair diagnosis, but it sounds a lot to me like Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD). You are 'catastrophisising' every small issue, and you have yourself stuck in a loop.

I have GAD and have been on medication for around 10'years. The difference it's made to me is incredible.

Have you seen a GP / counsellor?

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 23/08/2020 15:07

Depression doesn't always look the same. It isn't always about constantly feeling sad. I don't know if that's what is affecting you, but these constant negative thoughts sound very draining. I think they are very common though, and your GP should be able to help, or to refer you for help.

HoldMyLobster · 23/08/2020 15:13

Please get some counselling. You don't have to feel like this, and a good counsellor will help you reprogram your thought processes and patterns.

Talk to your GP too - there are medications that can help.

I was similar to you in my 20s, and it took two years of counselling to really knock the negative thought cycle on its head.

It comes back occasionally, and recently (I'm now in my 50s) I've descended into a very anxious state twice, but medication has helped me each time.

You don't have to live like this, but it sounds like you need some professional help to find your way there.

Tistheseason17 · 23/08/2020 15:15

Please talk to your GP.
Everyone else does not have a perfect life, although it can feel like that when we are under stress or anxious.

qwertypie · 23/08/2020 15:17

I think this is known as 'rumination'. For many people, it's almost a default way of thinking, but it can be very harmful. The 'trick' is to let the thoughts float by without taking them personally... I've been there too. However, it can be much easier to improve things with some professional help. Talk to your GP if you can - they could refer you to a counsellor. Hang in there x

WendyHoused · 23/08/2020 15:20

CBT was a great help with this sort of thing for me.

I used to have a constant inner dialogue of all my failings. It was horrible. A few unsuccessfel counsellors, then I found one that clicked wih me and with her support I was able to end that pattern of thoughts.

Now my inner dialogue is mostly Hamilton lyrics, and I'm happy.

ManservantHecubus · 23/08/2020 15:22

If my mind were a person I would think it hated me

That is exactly how I feel when I'm depressed/anxious. It's like being in an abusive relationship with yourself, as if your depression/anxiety is a separate entity that loves to put you down iyswim? These feelings are awful, but they are not true.

For years I thought I wasn't depressed because I could laugh/enjoy fun things/write a bleeding gratitude journal.

Please go to your gp, because this isn't normal and your life should be so much happier Flowers

Branleuse · 23/08/2020 15:24

Youve internalised some pretty abusive messages from somewherere.
Gave you considered psychotherapy. I think it would help

DailyDuckie · 23/08/2020 16:02

I agree with the GAD post. I also have this and what you have written is like you have taken the words out of my mouth. I had cbt it gave me great help when I was at my worst. Talk to someone. Good luck xx

Areyouactuallyseriousrightnow · 23/08/2020 16:28

Apart from a couple of small details this could’ve been written by me. Can’t offer advice but hope you find a way through it OP

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 23/08/2020 16:29

This is what my hangovers are like , that's why I gave up alcohol

gower4 · 23/08/2020 16:36

Sounds like anxiety - please do talk to your GP.
On a minor note, people write total shit on LinkedIn from what I can see!!! Everyone seems to be a "senior business leader/driven entrepreneur/driver of change". It's all just made up.

DreadFull · 23/08/2020 16:38

I'm currently having CBT for this and other things. I would really recommend giving it a go, it has helped me deal with these sorts of thoughts massively. I still have them, but Ive learnt ways to deal with them so they don't take over my day.

user1471565182 · 23/08/2020 16:48

this is always the 1st sign my mental health is getting bad and I need to restart/up the dose of my medication when I start getting these intrusive thoughts. Do you find it hard being in crowded supermarkets and stuff as well?

Craftycorvid · 23/08/2020 16:57

How long have you been feeling this way? Can you think of anything that might have triggered this thought process? How have you been managing during lockdown? Do the repetitive thoughts serve a purpose for you? Sometimes the ‘inner critic’ is very active to try and protect us, a bit like having a really nervous and risk-averse friend along every time we want to go out and do something, a friend who stops us having fun because they point out the risks of every bloody thing plus how it all went wrong that time when....

And people big themselves up on Linkedin!

thegosling · 23/08/2020 17:07

You could be describing me. I'm constantly ruminating. I have suffered depression for most of my life and I'm still on tablets but I'm not actually feeling depressed at the moment. I just feel sad a lot of the time, and I've already had an awful lot of therapy. I have just kind of accepted this is me and that my life is always going to be a bit of a struggle. But I'm trying to find things that might help me be more positive. One thing I do is to list 3 things every night that I'm grateful for. I also keep a kind of diary that I write in when I wake up; I write about anything that's on my mind. A book I have found useful is 'How to Stay Sane' by Philippa Perry. I'm going to start doing meditation and I've also started yoga which I really love.

Quaagars · 23/08/2020 17:33

Sounds exactly what I do when feeling particularly anxious

Quaagars · 23/08/2020 17:34

As in constantly go over every little thing and overthink

lifeiswhatyoufakeit · 23/08/2020 17:36

You write well...very well, in fact. Perhaps try and find some time to explore your talent(s).

If your mind were a person it would embrace you as you are one and the same. The stories that we tell ourselves are just that...stories

Meditation/mindfulness may help you. We are all flawed, but we can learn to control the narratives.

HoldMyLobster · 23/08/2020 18:03

I wanted to add - I did not seek help for a long time because I felt that seeking help would just be yet another example of me being useless and a failure and a waste of space and resources.

My self talk was stopping me from getting the help I needed to stop my self talk from destroying me.

The most helpful thing my counselor did in my first session was validate how much pain I was in, how much help I needed, and that this wasn't my fault.

Propolis · 23/08/2020 18:14

You are exactly the same as I was. I had private CBT with a very experienced and qualified therapist, which pretty much cured me. If you can afford it, I would urge you to do the same. You have my utmost sympathy, its a horrible way to live your life xx

WendyHoused · 23/08/2020 18:19

The method that clicked for me was to take that internal voice and visualise it outside of my head. I just took her 6 inches back and to the right.

Shoving her out of my head in my perception of that voice made it easier for me to dispute her. I wouldn't tolerate this from a friend or relative, why was I standing for it from some phantom my brain cooked up. No. I Dispute this, I do not accept this as valid, and I will not listen to this cruelty anymore.

It took a lot of CBT to get to the point of being able untangle that, but it was wonderful and freeing when I got it.

IrmaFayLear · 23/08/2020 18:29

I have “the voice” in my head and it’s exhausting. I was actually surprised to discover that not everybody is constantly analysing their own every move and utterance and they just “live”. How liberating! I go over everything I say to people and think I wish I’d said x or y or hadn’t said said x or y or x and y wasn’t funny and made me look a fool...

I can possibly trace my madness to dm, whose mantra was “put others first”. This may be somewhat laudable, but made me cowed and deferential in the extreme and always doubting my abilities (if I have any!).

Regularsizedrudy · 23/08/2020 18:35

Therapy. Meds.