To think this isn't a normal way to live?

[Anaisthrow]

24 hours a day I experience an endless loop of negative thoughts about myself. Hour after hour I replay every clumsy thing I ever said, every mistake I ever made at work, every difficult conversation with my DH that I could have handled better, every time I was a less-than-perfect daughter, sister, wife. Every day I mull over every hurtful thing I ever said to my parents as a bratty teenager, despite being an adult now and having a good relationship with them.

I magnify my shortcomings until they completely overwhelm me. I find plenty to admire in others but usually find myself falling short by comparison. I spent time looking at my schoolfriends' linked-in profiles the other day and feel so disappointed in myself and how little I've achieved. They are directors, senior associates, "heads of" and "founders" and I am in what is essentially a glorified admin job earning the same as I did six years ago.

We had the same education and I did very well at school/uni. It's like I've convinced myself since then that I'm not a clever person capable of achieving that level of success. That I'm just a fraud desperately trying to remain in the same social circle as these wonderful, beautiful intelligent women.

Nights are the same with a nice little dollop of "catastrophising" thrown in. I lie there in the dark and some minor issue with the house will be held siege by my overactive imagination. Hours later I'm still awake and by this point I have convinced myself the house is falling down or subsiding, the insurance won't pay out, we won't be able to afford the repairs etc.

If my mind were a person I would think it hated me.

Ultimately though I'm not depressed, or even generally unhappy. I walk the dog every day and look up at the blue sky and the trees and the dappled sunshine and for a couple of hours I'm at peace. Then I'm back at my desk or at home and the cycle starts again.

I don't know how to live like this. Am I supposed to feel this on edge for the rest of my life? How can I find anything to like about myself?

@user1471565182 yes, I really struggle in supermarkets or shopping centres at times. Traffic jams can also send me into panic mode.

OP, you're not alone. I could have written your post.

Those who have said medication has helped, what medication particularly? My doctor suggested setraline but the horror stories put me off. I found CBT only a little helpful... It didn't break through my defences.

I could have written the OP too, complete with dog!

I do the same, OP. Not a tenth as much but I go through stages where my internal voice makes my life hell by telling me over and over again why I'm a piece of shit and replaying all of my failings and embarrassing moments until I can't function.

It's anxiety. For me, it's OCD and anxiety but the OCD thoughts happen much less frequently.

It happens to millions of us and there IS help out there.

Do yourself a massive favour and go and get it. Kife can can be so much better than this.x.

Thank you all.

Craftycorvid good question. I have been risk-averse my entire life, partly thanks to having similarly cautious parents but I also trained and worked for many years in an industry entirely based on risk assessment, risk avoidance and dealing with the fallout of other people’s mistakes. Think similar to medical insurance. It’s completely ingrained in me to evaluate and minimise risk. I feel I’m always trying to prepare for the worse-case-scenario. My self-esteem and confidence has dwindled these past few years but I wouldn’t say there’s a particular incident that has caused it.

HoldMyLobster this is what I fear. That I’ll turn up for therapy and be sat there with my very comfortable life with no hardships or real trauma to talk about and I’ll either a)apologise constantly for wasting their time or b) feel so uncomfortable with the idea of paying someone to listen to me dissect my perfectly mediocre life that I won’t make it off the start line. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to validate my pain. My pain feels so senseless and my problem so trivial.

Propolis how did you find a good CBT therapist? I wouldn’t even know where to look or what to look for.

*Manservanthecubus” Yes that’s how it feels, though I’ve only recently recognised that it’s not normal to be this cruel to yourself. If my mind were a person and that person was forcing a friend of mine to constantly punish themselves for every bad thing they ever did, I would call it abusive too.

I’m not a religious person but every night I before I go to sleep I say the same, I don’t know, I suppose you’d call it a prayer. It’s more like a mantra, really. I pray the same thing every night and name every family member and loved one in my prayer and I see it as my job to protect them by doing this. If I forget to pray one night or forget someone’s name, or mix up my words and don’t say a particular phrase then I feel I’ve let them down and something awful is likely to happen to them.

I also find I can be sitting quite calmly watching TV or working and images will flash up in front of my eyes about particular things that I said or did in my past. It’s like my mind can’t allow me to feel comfortable or complacent, it needs to remind me not to take my life for granted.

You say you are not depressed but this does sound like anxiety which an antidepressant could make it better.

I think you need some help. I do mull over things I did/said and I cringe, but that's it. If I see the beautiful scenery, I feel happy and that feeling stays. I don't get consumed in negativity all day long.
Speak to gp or someone who can help.

this is what I fear. That I’ll turn up for therapy and be sat there with my very comfortable life with no hardships or real trauma to talk about and I’ll either a)apologise constantly for wasting their time or b) feel so uncomfortable with the idea of paying someone to listen to me dissect my perfectly mediocre life that I won’t make it off the start line. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to validate my pain. My pain feels so senseless and my problem so trivial.

Yes, that's exactly how I felt.

But you're obviously in pain, and your problems are not trivial, and it's all fixable with help.

I actually think the really brave thing to do in your situation is to look for help, and admit all the things you've already admitted.

And you write beautifully and eloquently btw.

. A trip to the Dr is needed I think. You sound lovely and it's a shame to waste your life like this.

I do this. I relive embarrassing incidents. Even stuff that happened 15-20 years. I find it's a particular problem in the week before my period when I tend to feel a bit depressed and anxious. It helps me to just notice these thoughts. When they come along I just think "there you go thinking about embarrassing stuff again." It really does help. Like others have said it would be a good idea to speak to your GP.

I had a much milder form of this. I read the Chimp paradox during lockdown and if was life changing.

FWIW I think its a very 'safe' book. it might not be your thing but its written by a very highly qualified Dr and is a very kind book.

i hope it helps you.

i needed some professional help as well, but I loved this book.

hugs xx

I’m like this when not medicated, though it’s slightly different worries, the endless self-torturing and inability to stop is very familiar.

It’s a form of OCD and there are things that can help. CBT is great for some people but for me meds do the trick - venlafaxine in my case. Quite a low dose and I’ve been gradually reducing it (with gp’s agreement) and it still works. It just switches it off - and side effects are negligible. I can’t tell you how nice it to be less of a worrier.

You are halfway there! At least you have realised what your mind is doing, when you catch yourself thinking these thoughts, which are habitual, turn your thoughts to something positive about yourself or, something you are grateful for in your life. Medication may be necessary, but I would try self help methods first, before disrupting what could be the normal chemical balance of your brain. If you feel walking in the fresh air helps, try to fit in more of it

The negativity, and cruel internal voice sounds very much like I used to be. Where I live you can self refer for CBT which I did last year. It was social anxiety in my case and CBT was life changing for me. I would definitely recommend giving it a go.

Ultimately though I'm not depressed, or even generally unhappy. I walk the dog every day and look up at the blue sky and the trees and the dappled sunshine and for a couple of hours I'm at peace. Then I'm back at my desk or at home and the cycle starts again.

I think you are depressed/anxious. People can be depressed and have different manifestations of it. Just because a walk makes you feel better doesn't mean you're not depressed. Depression/anxiety can even manifest differently in the same person from one episode to another. Negative self-talk is very common in depression.

Whatever you call it your mental health could be better. I recommend some medication (see your GP) and therapy. If you've tried something at some point, try something else. EMDR therapy helped me, it takes away the sting of memories.

Learning that I have ADHD with autistic traits also helped me. It helped me forgive myself for any 'mistakes' I made. If you can get professionals to help you understand what's happening then it might well decrease.

Agree with other posters that your first port of call should be your doctor.

I've found meditation invaluable for breaking 'unwanted thought trains. Try the headspace app for an introduction, or better, find a suitably qualified Mindfulness teacher (MBCT).

Do you exercise, OP?

I could have written your post too. Everything you said resonates with me. It's exhausting.

HoldMyLobster this is what I fear. That I’ll turn up for therapy and be sat there with my very comfortable life with no hardships or real trauma to talk about and I’ll either a)apologise constantly for wasting their time or b) feel so uncomfortable with the idea of paying someone to listen to me dissect my perfectly mediocre life that I won’t make it off the start line. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to validate my pain. My pain feels so senseless and my problem so trivial.

Yes, I spent a good couple of sessions apologising to my therapist for bothering her with my pathetic, lifelong, devastating problems that were so trivial I couldn't address them . It's part of the problem - minimising one's own pain, feeling guilty, dismissive of oneself, not worthy. Actually maybe worth a visit to a therapist for that alone!

(FWIW, it's not about validating pain. Pain is incidental, really. I've found it a way of looking more deeply into responses, habits, ingrained patterns. Pain is the side effect of dysfunctional reasoning and suppressed emotion, it's a signal, really, not the underlying message. I went because of pain, I stay because it's helping me make sense of myself.)

I have this as well. I have diagnosed depression and anxiety. For me, depression is not being sad all the time or being unable to function in life. I work, I have hobbies and interests, I enjoy lots of things about daily life. I’m not sad. It’s more of a sense of overwhelm for me and usually because I’m dissecting things in my head down to the last full stop or tone of voice used, or agonising over something I did 19 years ago which I can guarantee the other parties involved wouldn’t even remember.

Please see your GP. CBT could help you. It’s hard work but the end result is worth it.

I think CBT may help. My brain also does this if I let it. Before CBT I was constantly mulling over any and every conversation/ event, criticising myself and feeling overwhelmed by the self- criticism/ negative thoughts all day and night. I didn't know any different as had always done it. I have the occasional 'relapse' years after the CBT but I usually know what I need to do when these unhelpful thoughts starts dominating my life, as it sort of trains you up to be able to handle it better/ challenge these thoughts. It's definitely worth a try.
Try not to worry about others achieving more- think about what you've been up against, that's the way I see it. Be proud of overcoming difficulties. I wish you every bit of luck in tackling this.

I think you need medical help. You don’t have to live like this. Go see your GP. Be honest.

Sertraline is good with anxiety, OCD thoughts, hormonal issues and depression

Hi OP,
I used to feel exactly as you do. Your description was eerie, it was so precisely in line with how I felt. It was, for me, a kind of depression. I thought of myself as a 'happy depressive' because I still got a lot of pleasure from similar things to what you describe - from pets and sunny days and good coffee etc - the little things in life. But I was completely at war with myself, with this raging, ranting monologue dominating.

For me, a spell on anti-depressants worked really well. It just switched the voice off and it hasn't really come back. I've also done huge amounts of work including CBT to learn how to manage and talk back to that kind of voice, to calm it, silence it and replace it.Ultimately for me, it helped to find whose voice it really was (my dad's) and you might find it is a voice from childhood, constantly berating either themself, your parent, you or the world - a voice that you've internalised.

I recommend The Mood Gym online CBT, and the book or app Superbetter by Jane McGonigal. Depending on where you live, you might also be able to access a few (about six ) free online CBT sessions on the NHS. Google to see if your area is eligible.

It's a huge relief not to be battling this any more. I am still a colossal underachiever, still doubt myself and make endless excuses not to take risks or improve my lot in life, but I'm much more at peace with it, and gradually finding ways to make progress.

Finally (sorry, long reply but your post was dear to my heart) don't assume those achievers have perfect lives. One of the people I was friends with at college and used to compare myself to (gorgeous, rich, famous) died of a drug overdose. Another is phenomenally successful - one of the most successful people in the UK, but I know their child had anorexia - which must have been so difficult. And they worked so hard, they rarely saw their children grow up which I know they feel was a huge sacrifice. It's so easy to compare ourselves to Everyone Else. We pick one old friend's marriage, another one's house, a third one's looks, a fourth one's creativity, a fifth one's career success, a sixth one's wealth, a seventh one's fame etc and think that everyone else has a perfect life. They don't.

I was like this too. An endless stream of negativity, replaying incidents and events from years ago, stopping me from sleeping, constantly berating myself for not doing things better, from work-related stuff to family matters.

After a lot of procrastination, I went to see my GP and was given a course of antidepressants (6 months), and I accessed some CBT and Mindfulness through Occupational Health at work.

It changed my life.

When the negative thoughts start, I focus on something else for a few minutes (could be writing/sewing/knitting/drawing/doing a jigsaw) and do some mindfulness exercises, then the thoughts disperse without impacting on my life any more.

Please seek help, you don't have to live this way.

Following this thread - this resonates with me in many ways, from the LinkedIn to the replaying conversations that didn't go well over ten years ago and it is something that comes and goes. Very best wishes to you working through this.

Oh love, yes I can completely relate to that, I've done this for a large part of my life (even as a child) and do it now when I feel things spiralling out of my control. I don't have any answers, but I have wondered whether I have undiagnosed ADHD and that has been a t the root of a lot of my unhappiness. I find my life more manageable when it's broken up into fairly straightforward, practical and achievable goals if that makes sense. Being able to see evidence of the things I'm doing well helps me to like myself more.