To think this isn't a normal way to live?

[Anaisthrow]

24 hours a day I experience an endless loop of negative thoughts about myself. Hour after hour I replay every clumsy thing I ever said, every mistake I ever made at work, every difficult conversation with my DH that I could have handled better, every time I was a less-than-perfect daughter, sister, wife. Every day I mull over every hurtful thing I ever said to my parents as a bratty teenager, despite being an adult now and having a good relationship with them.

I magnify my shortcomings until they completely overwhelm me. I find plenty to admire in others but usually find myself falling short by comparison. I spent time looking at my schoolfriends' linked-in profiles the other day and feel so disappointed in myself and how little I've achieved. They are directors, senior associates, "heads of" and "founders" and I am in what is essentially a glorified admin job earning the same as I did six years ago.

We had the same education and I did very well at school/uni. It's like I've convinced myself since then that I'm not a clever person capable of achieving that level of success. That I'm just a fraud desperately trying to remain in the same social circle as these wonderful, beautiful intelligent women.

Nights are the same with a nice little dollop of "catastrophising" thrown in. I lie there in the dark and some minor issue with the house will be held siege by my overactive imagination. Hours later I'm still awake and by this point I have convinced myself the house is falling down or subsiding, the insurance won't pay out, we won't be able to afford the repairs etc.

If my mind were a person I would think it hated me.

Ultimately though I'm not depressed, or even generally unhappy. I walk the dog every day and look up at the blue sky and the trees and the dappled sunshine and for a couple of hours I'm at peace. Then I'm back at my desk or at home and the cycle starts again.

I don't know how to live like this. Am I supposed to feel this on edge for the rest of my life? How can I find anything to like about myself?

CBT and an anti-depressant are amazing for this.

I used to live with a barrage of negative self talk and comparing myself negatively to other people.

Even just stopping myself from calling myself derogatory names - which it turned out I did about every 2 minutes - was a massive help.

I see you look at LinkedIn - do you have other social media? - I found coming off it helped a lot. People are very perfomative on it. 2 weeks after giving up Facebook I felt liberated.

Can you not daydream pleasant things if you have an overactive imagination? I find that helps when I have darker thoughts.

I’m like this. I can remember being this way since primary school. Like you I replay conversations from years ago. I make a mistake at work and just can’t get over it the way other people seem able to. The catastrophizing is truly soul destroying. It can take over my every waking thought. I build a tiny thing up and I can’t think of anything else, I get physical symptoms- a lump in my throat, the feeling of a knot in my stomach.

Like a previous poster I often assumed this was what everyone’s internal dialogue was like. I remember at work at lunch Loose Women was on and someone was talking about negative thoughts and the general discussion was ‘oh why would someone feel like that, poor thing’. It is my normal.

I had some CBT and was on medication for a while, the CBT helped a little but I think this is just part of me. I find it very hard to say I have anxiety because I think people will belittle me or say what does she have to be worried about.

Please, please make an appointment with your GP.
I felt silly, I thought I was wasting my GP valuable time. I fumbled through how my mind was whirling around like some vile groundhog day. My GP listened and then gently said, "I think you have a depression." I was so relieved there was a name for what I was suffering that I burst into tears. With a name there was a diagnosis. There was a treatment. I thought I was insane. I was not. I was given anti-depressants and told to book another appointment in two weeks. That started a road to help and recovery.
But it all started with one GP appointment.

You sound very self aware. I am too - I know what I do and why I do it, I just can't stop. I have had CBT, hypnotherapy and talking therapy at great cost and, personally, they have done nothing. One therapist told me to stop coming because she just couldn't help me

Bad things can, do, will and have happened and no therapist can give me what I need to stop stressing (because it's impossible).

I am just an over sensitive person and an overthinker. I know the nature/nurture that has caused it and I can't undo that - no one can. I can, however, have a decent life with anti depressants. Fluoxetine personally works for me. I see things how they are and I still catastrophise, I just don't get the same physical adrenaline reaction so am able to carry on with life.

My highs aren't as high as they were, but my lows aren't that low and that makes all the difference.

Hope you feel better asap.

This sounds so similar to what I used to do. I had counselling but nothing seemed to work until I came across some booklets about ‘developing self compassion.’ Seems so simple but it worked for me