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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick of this shit?

97 replies

toothfairy73 · 23/08/2020 01:35

I'm so angry. Not sure if it is really an AIBU. I just need to vent. I've just discovered that a distant relative is in a new relationship via Facebook. That would fine and dandy except he is married with 4 children (one of which is a tiny baby).

I'm so angry that he has so little respect for his wife that he has announced the end of their marriage in this way.

Im so angry with men getting women pregnant and then appearing to feel left out, or disgruntled because they have to share the attention. Or they go for someone without the baby weight and stretch marks (which they helped to create). I'm so pissed off with men not being able to keep In their pants and women being left to pick up the pieces.

This isn't family that I see regularly, and are family by marriage. It's none of my business and I am fully aware of that but I am so sick of this shit.

OP posts:
Original poster
toothfairy73 · 23/08/2020 08:57

@Billben are you seriously blaming his wife for his behaviour? The previous form was having children and leaving. The DV is something only recently disclosed.

OP posts:
GisAFag · 23/08/2020 08:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

netsybetsy · 23/08/2020 09:02

Love is a big gamble - always has been - and when have humans ever been that nice to each other?

Sounds like wife is well-rid! Hopefully she will make sure he pays for the children and now she can get on with her life and even meet a decent man down the line, unless she's happier single. She'll also have a relationship with her kids he'll never have.

netsybetsy · 23/08/2020 09:06

You could volunteer or fundraise for a women's refuge? It's always better to direct anger towards something constructive and help make a difference.

SummerPoppies · 23/08/2020 09:08

@toothfairy73
I know, I changed the scenario.

The80sweregreat · 23/08/2020 09:09

I've known some women who have ' run off' from their husbands ( but made sure they got everything out of them too in regards to money and two are now mortgage free in bigger places than they had originally and all for other men!)
However , it's usually the men that go off once life becomes harder and I've heard about one last year who took off from three children and his wife and left her too it (same as he did with his first wife and two young kids years ago)
it's not always exclusively the men that tend to do this but I guess it's just easier for them to do it than it is for a woman. I understand why it's upsetting but nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors and relationships are fragile : children can make or break a marriage and we all get older and it has to be worked at. Some people can't or won't do this or just meet someone else who makes their life easier and happier and divorce is easier now too than it once was as well.

lynsey91 · 23/08/2020 09:12

I feel more sorry for the children. Yet more with divorced parents.

Having 4 children was never going to help their marriage was it? I do wish couples would think longer and harder about having children (and wait a bit longer in many cases) and then there would not be anywhere near the number of children with divorced parents

SchrodingersImmigrant · 23/08/2020 09:14

@lynsey91

I feel more sorry for the children. Yet more with divorced parents.

Having 4 children was never going to help their marriage was it? I do wish couples would think longer and harder about having children (and wait a bit longer in many cases) and then there would not be anywhere near the number of children with divorced parents

Someone once said on a thread about child free that it's interesting to see that more though is put into not having them than into having them. So in general I agree.

However, DV is a different situation, isn't it. There can be a coercion into it.

amusedtodeath1 · 23/08/2020 09:22

I get you OP. There does seem to be this disparity between the sexes. If a woman cheated, left her partner with the kids there'd be widespread criticism, but because he's Male it's fine.

Thankfully though not all Men are like though. When you've been in a relationship with one, you fully empathise with others going through it.

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 23/08/2020 09:25

I've been mad at a friend and gone low contact because of her reaction to her daughter's affair with a man engaged to her daughter's ex best friend and long term family friend. The daughter was going to be a bridesmaid and my friend was involved with the wedding.

I can understand relationships breaking down but there are ways to split up decently. My friend treated her daughter's friend like another daughter; she seems to completely condone her daughter's behaviour. I'm really disgusted with her. The daughter's friend did nothing wrong as far as I know. If she had it would be easier to accept.

Both my friend and her daughter had been cheated on themselves. It seems like they now believe 'All's fair in love and war'.

OngoingOmnishambles · 23/08/2020 09:29

You are jumping to conclusions but to be honest there are so many terrible men out there that it is easy to do so.

Up until I was late 40's I used to think women who had terrible DP's must be a bit thick and have terrible choice in men. I came late to the game in realising that men, in general, are actually quite crap. Someone once said to me "95% of men are selfish bastards" and I think she is actually right.

I say this as a married woman who intends to stay married. My DH has given me the run around a few times, when he was actually one of the best men I've ever met originally, and I don't intend to bin him off. However, this is my last man. If we spilt or he goes before me I am not going to bother.

A lot of men use women very badly and then dump them. Well, that works both ways. Thank's for the sperm and thanks for paying most of the mortgage but now my DC are older you are no longer needed.

Best piece of advice I've been given was recently when I was told that once you reach middle age, it is really important to cultivate your female friendships.

Twisique · 23/08/2020 09:46

YANBU!

smallestleaf · 23/08/2020 09:58

Well, regardless of what happened in this case you are NBU in your general point.

Yes, too many men do piss off and yes women are often left to pick up the pieces. All the stats show that women are far more likely to be left in poverty at relationship break up, far more likely to be left with primary childcare responsibilities, men evading paying maintenance is a well documented phenomena. The list goes on.

lljkk · 23/08/2020 10:27

Just out of interest, OP, how do you feel about Julie Birchill's history?

FinnyStory · 23/08/2020 10:49

"95% of men are selfish bastards"

This is really sad and doesn't reflect the world I know at all. I wonder why it is that this is so many women's experience? Sadly, I think it probably comes down to our fathers and what we are conditioned to seek/want in a man, so it's very difficult to change once established.

My father is a kind, generous man who taught me and my sister to be the same at the same time as instilling a real belief that we can do absolutely anything. He taught do unto others but also don't accept anything less from others. He would literally lay down his life for my mother.

My husband is the same and so is my sister's.

In my imeadiate social group, there are five couples who are quite close.

  • Couple one, both work hard in low paid jobs. She is has an adult daughter and works in a care home, he suffers from PTSD after serving in the Army. He is so proud of her and the caring work she does, she supports him with his mental health and he will literally drop anything to be there when she or her daughter needs him, whether that be practical or emotional support.
  • Couple 2 . She's SAHM, now with adult children. He has a high powered job which involves a lot of travel. They live a "traditonal" life in terms of division of labour but they both appreciate the work the other has put in to create their lifestyle. Her mother is suffering from dementia and he is equally heartbroken about it and sharing the care, doing a lot of the practical things that need doing to support both his wife and her mother.
  • couple 3, long term married, bicker a lot can both be quite unkind to each other but if anything, I'd say he's the kinder and he has been far more supportive of their adult children and their struggles than she has.
  • Couple 4, only got together in last 3 years. She had been separated for a while, he had stayed in an unhappy marriage until the last of his children left home. No affair but they did get together quite soon after he left. He is completely at the beck and call of his four adult daughters for DIY etc and has done most of the summer childcare for all his grandchildren. The coolest GF around taking them mountain biking and paddle boarding etc.

I have changed some details or they'd all be very recognisable but honestly, the men I know are basically decent, but of course face challenges in life where you can't please everyone. Why is it that so many women's experience is so different?

This is what needs study, not to blame the women, of course not, but so we can recognise why it happens and deal with that. We can't change others' behavoiur only our own.

lljkk · 23/08/2020 10:57

Lily Allen, OP, any comments on her maternal defects?

The80sweregreat · 23/08/2020 11:16

I've known of women who became ' the other woman' and broken up marriages and they always justify it to their friends and themselves. (They don't like it when it happens to them though! )
I'm old and seen and heard it all. Sometimes you only get one side of the story and people just don't want the bad times or they think that the new person will be different or better and make them happier. Sometimes it does, but mostly it doesn't really. They just trade one lot of problems for even more as a colleague of mine has discovered. You have more baggage as you get older.
Relationships can be so tricky and lack of money and kids break up many relationships too.

UnaCorda · 23/08/2020 11:20

I'm so angry that he has so little respect for his wife that he has announced the end of their marriage in this way.

Broadly I agree (if the relationship was so rocky that the couple have virtually split up by the time the baby is born then ideally they shouldn't have risked pregnancy in the first place - and I do mean "they") but isn't it your distant relative who made the Facebook announcement, not him?

UnaCorda · 23/08/2020 11:23

"95% of men are selfish bastards" This is really sad and doesn't reflect the world I know at all. I wonder why it is that this is so many women's experience? Sadly, I think it probably comes down to our fathers and what we are conditioned to seek/want in a man, so it's very difficult to change once established.

Maybe not 95%, but I would agree there are a lot of selfish men out there who put their own needs and wants (especially sex) before anything else by, regardless of how detrimental this may be to others (their partner, their children) around them.

fuckingcovid · 23/08/2020 11:32

You don't know anything of this marriage. For all you know the wife could have been baby obsessed and uninterested in her husband except as a sperm donor and an income machine. Did he want 4 children? Wife could have had an affair and the baby been the result. You have no idea of the circumstances so I don't understand the outrage. She could of course have been totally unaware her husband was having an affair. You just don't know

Just block him and don't see any of his posts. This is what I would do.

malificent7 · 23/08/2020 11:33

Yanbu op.

Original poster
toothfairy73 · 23/08/2020 17:33

@lljkk I don't know Julie Burchill's history or Lilly Allen's situation. It was he who announced it.

OP posts:
SchrodingersImmigrant · 23/08/2020 18:14

[quote toothfairy73]@lljkk I don't know Julie Burchill's history or Lilly Allen's situation. It was he who announced it. [/quote]
So they didn't tell anyone before it appeared on facebook?

Original poster
toothfairy73 · 23/08/2020 19:06

@SchrodingersImmigrant no because most people would tell people or at least put it as a post not just change their relationship status. It's like letting people know your husband's died by changing your status from married to widowed

OP posts:
Noneformethanks · 23/08/2020 19:08

[quote toothfairy73]@SchrodingersImmigrant no because most people would tell people or at least put it as a post not just change their relationship status. It's like letting people know your husband's died by changing your status from married to widowed [/quote]
You,what? So I have to tell all kinds of fandoms about my new relationship I can’t just change my status and have people say congrats ?

Nonsense.

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