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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want a rest?

52 replies

Odabunmie · 22/08/2020 11:35

Our house isn’t in great condition. Since Covid we spend more time at home so DH wants the garden sorted. He’s terracing and laying a patio. He works Mon-Fri so can only get on with it at the weekend.

I have two children. The eldest 7 is being assessed for additional needs. The youngest is 2. Both are at home with me all week at present. Neither is a good sleeper and both need constant supervision and interaction. I’m so tired. I have DC while DH is at work, then I also have them all weekend so he can get on with the garden. I’m burned out and I just feel like crying.

I asked DH to parent today so I can rest, read a book and take a bath. He is furious. Saying I’m selfish and stopping him getting on with the garden, so DC will have nowhere to play. He says why should I have a rest, he’s been at work all week and is gardening all weekend so he isn’t getting a rest? But I think digging peacefully in the garden IS a rest. In fact being at work and not being pestered by children is also a rest.

AIBU to want a day off? Or am I being selfish by preventing DH doing the garden for the benefit of everyone? I honestly don’t know any more.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 22/08/2020 11:40

Men choose not to see time away from work and children as a rest. It's why they busy themselves so much so they can drop out of family life.

Every piece of research shows that mostly women have beared the brunt of lock down.

Original poster
Odabunmie · 22/08/2020 11:47

Well this is not a new behaviour. Prior to this he was tiling the bathroom, and that was also “for the benefit of everyone” and “had to be done”. So I ended up having DC all week and all weekend too. After the garden is done he says he is going to decorate the lounge for Christmas, and again I will be the selfish one if I don’t look after DC every weekend so he can get on with it. He even tried to say his woodwork hobby didn’t count as a rest, because he makes a small amount of money from selling the bowls and things that him and his friend make together, so really it’s a second job.

OP posts:
Original poster
Odabunmie · 22/08/2020 12:05

Now he’s saying I complain that the children can’t play in the garden, but I won’t let him get on with the garden. Yes I would like the garden done but not at the expense of me sobbing because I’m burned out and need a break.

OP posts:
FrenchBoule · 22/08/2020 12:09

It used to be a sore point of discussion between me and DH until he saw what it’s like (and changed his tune left with the kids).
YANBU OP.
Health always come first.

Dishwashersaurous · 22/08/2020 12:11

Why don’t you do the garden?

That way you get a break from the kids and the garden gets done

GoldenOmber · 22/08/2020 12:11

No, he's being selfish. The children will not be disadvantaged if the garden takes a tiny bit longer. If he tells you it's 'for the benefit of everyone' again, tell him that you and the children ARE 'everyone' and you would like him to come and play with them now while you get a break.

Or tell him you're swapping for today. You will do some things in the garden, he can look after the children.

Original poster
Odabunmie · 22/08/2020 12:12

Why don’t you do the garden?
I’m disabled, I can’t physically do the heavy digging.

OP posts:
rottiemum88 · 22/08/2020 12:16

@Dishwashersaurous

Why don’t you do the garden?

That way you get a break from the kids and the garden gets done

I was going to suggest this
rottiemum88 · 22/08/2020 12:18

Cross-posted. Ok if you can't do the garden that's fair enough, but I don't think your DH is wrong either. Digging the garden isn't relaxing is it, equivalent to you reading a book or having a bath or whatever. It's hard, physical labour which he rightly says will benefit everyone. You both work through the week, albeit him out of the home and you with the children so I do think you're unreasonable to ask for a day off in these circumstances unfortunately

GoldenOmber · 22/08/2020 12:20

OK, tell him you are going to spend the afternoon on the computer researching and designing which plants and toys and whatever are going to go where in the garden. He needs to look after the children while you do this. If he doesn't support you, he is being selfish and preventing the children from playing.

But he won't agree to that, because this is clearly not just about the garden, it's about him getting to choose which fun projects he can spend his weekends doing so he doesn't have to parent his own children. After redecorating the lounge it'll be something else, then something else, then something else...

nowaitaminute · 22/08/2020 12:21

If my dh is doing jobs, as long as they are not overly dangerous then the dc are involved...my DS loved to learn how to do "jobs" so he has a little helper whether he likes it or not (but he does)

What age are your dc OP? Surely they can be with him for an hour or so to "help him" so you can have a rest.?

Or can you all do it together?? That way it gets done faster!

nowaitaminute · 22/08/2020 12:23

Sorry I have Just seen they are age 2 and 7...there's no reason they cannot get involved! I would see that as a family activity OP.

Original poster
Odabunmie · 22/08/2020 12:24

Well I am lying on the sofa in the spare bedroom but I don’t feel relaxed. I feel guilty because I’m preventing the garden being done for the children to play in it. I feel on tender hooks and I can’t concentrate on my book because I don’t know how long until DH interrupts my rest and puts the children back on my lap. Could be 5 hours or 5 minutes, I am constantly listening for him coming up the stairs. I feel like I haven’t been given this rest, I have forcibly taken it, it’s begrudged and DH is angry about it. Forcing your children resentfully onto someone so you can rest is not the same as having them taken willingly with kindness. I am this close to just going downstairs and taking the children back because I’m not enjoying the rest anyway.

OP posts:
nowaitaminute · 22/08/2020 12:26

If being in the house is stressing you...go for a walk or sit with a coffee and a book in a local cafe. Tell your dh what time you will be back! Perhaps do it over lunch time so he can feed them and himself, I assume he takes a lunch break?!

KylieKangaroo · 22/08/2020 12:27

Can you go out OP, just to sit somewhere for a cup of tea? Your DH sounds selfish

Brandaris · 22/08/2020 12:31

My DH is like this given the chance. In the end I said I had had enough and the money we saved by him doing these things wasn’t worth the stress it put me under. So he either gives me an equal break doing something on my own or we pay someone else to do the diy (which we can’t afford).

Can you negotiate a chunk of time to yourself, maybe an afternoon, and make yourself unavailable. Sign up to a class, arrange to meet up with friends for something ‘important’, join a club? Something that means you’re physically not there. Try to make sure it’s something of value so he can’t argue about it.

Original poster
Odabunmie · 22/08/2020 12:36

Sorry I have Just seen they are age 2 and 7...there's no reason they cannot get involved!
2 will eat rocks or leaves and throw stones, or fall off one of the 3ft terraces which don’t have fences up yet. It’s more work to supervise outdoors than indoors because it’s unsafe and he has to be kept away from the edge. 7 could go in the garden but DH will say he can’t supervise and work at the same time, so if I’m staying indoors with 2 then 7 has to stay indoors too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Odabunmie · 22/08/2020 12:39

the money we saved by him doing these things wasn’t worth the stress it put me under
Yes this is the issue. It would be very expensive to pay someone to terrace our steep garden, we were quoted £6000. But it’s putting me under huge stress when DH is doing it himself so I can’t get a break from the children.

OP posts:
FlySheMust · 22/08/2020 12:40

I think you are being a bit U. It's not as though he wants to go off cycling or to golf. He wants to sort things for the family.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 22/08/2020 12:45

I think you're being a bit unreasonable. Doing the garden isn't having a rest so it's not like he's getting masses of free time and you're getting none. If you're that exhausted he should give you a break, but equally he'd deserve a similar break at some point

Original poster
Odabunmie · 22/08/2020 12:46

Can you negotiate a chunk of time to yourself
The last time I did this, I was all dressed and ready to leave, and we had an argument about something else and shouted at each other. So DH said “for that you are not going” and walked out. So I couldn’t go because I had nobody to take the children. I’m reluctant to make plans because I can’t rely on him to actually take the children when he said he will.

OP posts:
Original poster
Odabunmie · 22/08/2020 12:48

If you're that exhausted he should give you a break, but equally he'd deserve a similar break
Fine, let’s split Saturday in half and each have a rest, then he can garden on Sunday. But he won’t, he wants to spend the whole weekend on the garden and me have the children all weekend.

OP posts:
honeygirlz · 22/08/2020 12:51

So DH said “for that you are not going” and walked out. So I couldn’t go because I had nobody to take the children. I’m reluctant to make plans because I can’t rely on him to actually take the child

He's a twat, OP. Start telling him you're going out and leave him to it. And I would think about his attitude to you.

nowaitaminute · 22/08/2020 12:52

2 will eat rocks or leaves and throw stones, or fall off one of the 3ft terraces which don’t have fences up yet. It’s more work to supervise outdoors than indoors because it’s unsafe and he has to be kept away from the edge. 7 could go in the garden but DH will say he can’t supervise and work at the same time, so if I’m staying indoors with 2 then 7 has to stay indoors too.

If you give the children "jobs" to do then it shouldn't be a case of babysitting them on top of doing work. Your dh needs to learn to entertain and do his jobs at the same time. 7 yr old can pass tools over, help measure, etc my dh even makes up pretend jobs for them like collecting rocks/wood cut offs and putting them in a bucket, Painting a piece of wood for the garden. Sorting the screws in his toolbox, cleaning tools with wipes etc etc

With the 2 yr old then you could set up a blanket with fave toys and play with him/her whilst daddy and 7yr old "work" - giving lots of praise etc and a reward like hot choc when your work is done etc etc.

PrincessSarene · 22/08/2020 12:52

I think the key is how much of a joint decision it is for each of these jobs? Your OP and subsequent posts say that DH decided to do the garden, he wants to do the lounge before Christmas - is each of these properly discussed between you two or does he just unilaterally decide and announce that is what’s going to happen? If the latter then you are definitely not the selfish one! If the former then you need to agree to build in some downtime into the plans to allow you a break. Either way, I think you should insist that there is a gap, maybe a month, between finishing the garden work and starting the lounge redecorating and for those weekends you get them child free and your DH is responsible for the kids.