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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want a rest?

52 replies

Odabunmie · 22/08/2020 11:35

Our house isn’t in great condition. Since Covid we spend more time at home so DH wants the garden sorted. He’s terracing and laying a patio. He works Mon-Fri so can only get on with it at the weekend.

I have two children. The eldest 7 is being assessed for additional needs. The youngest is 2. Both are at home with me all week at present. Neither is a good sleeper and both need constant supervision and interaction. I’m so tired. I have DC while DH is at work, then I also have them all weekend so he can get on with the garden. I’m burned out and I just feel like crying.

I asked DH to parent today so I can rest, read a book and take a bath. He is furious. Saying I’m selfish and stopping him getting on with the garden, so DC will have nowhere to play. He says why should I have a rest, he’s been at work all week and is gardening all weekend so he isn’t getting a rest? But I think digging peacefully in the garden IS a rest. In fact being at work and not being pestered by children is also a rest.

AIBU to want a day off? Or am I being selfish by preventing DH doing the garden for the benefit of everyone? I honestly don’t know any more.

OP posts:

HugeAckmansWife · 22/08/2020 12:55

jesus, no way would I put up with being told I couldn't go out. Get ready, keys in hand and tell him as you leave. he can't rage at you if you're not there and if he does when you come back tell him he did EXACTLY this to you last time. As pp have said, this is less about the garden and him seeing it as your job to parent which happens to be 24/7 while his job is the rather more palatable 9-5. And just because something is "hard work" physically, doesn't mean its not a preferable deal to being endlessly at the beck and call of inane questions, requests, spills, dramas, kids TV and games, ie parenting

nowaitaminute · 22/08/2020 12:55

But on a whole I have to admit your problem is not the garden it's clearly your dh and his clear avoidance of parenting. And as for telling you that you can't go out! FUCK THAT!! Who the hell does he think he is!? He needs a wake up call OP!! If I were you I would get up tomorrow morning and go out for the day and leave him to it! He needs to learn how to be with your dc!

beautifulxdisasters · 22/08/2020 13:13

He sounds like a total cunt OP. How dare he tell you you can't go out?

I really don't understand how anyone can see the person they are supposed to love on their knees with tiredness and not want to do whatever they can to help.

nowaitaminute · 22/08/2020 13:15

I really don't understand how anyone can see the person they are supposed to love on their knees with tiredness and not want to do whatever they can to help.*

This!!!!!

Hidingtonothing · 22/08/2020 13:20

You've (understandably) gone about this the wrong way OP and now it's about competitive tiredness/lack of rest instead of work/life balance for both of you. I know you feel pushed to the limit and are exhausted but by asking for a 'rest day' you've given him the perfect argument of where's his rest day. Pointing out that neither of you are getting any rest time and getting him to help you figure out how you could both get a break from the stuff you've been doing would probably have resulted in a better outcome.

It's probably not too late for that conversation, if you went and said you've been thinking and he was right, he's not getting a break either and that it's important for you all to have some family leisure time, that would put you back in a position to negotiate something that suits you both. And whatever you do negotiate is pretty much guaranteed to be better for you because you have DC constantly atm. Whether you agree on time away from DC for both of you individually (win-win for you as they would have been with you anyway) or time spent doing something as a family (at least you're not in sole charge and stuck in the house) it will still involve you not being 100% responsible for DC 24/7. The only downside is the garden will happen slower but I think you all need at least 1 day over the weekend where it's not all about work of one sort or another.

AnnaFour · 22/08/2020 13:22

He said for that you’re not gong? Fucking hell. That’s really awful it sounds like he is using his hobbies and household tasks to avoid the kids to me. And yes while it is nice to have a garden for the kids to play in, it’s more important it gets done slower and you both get a chance to rest. Besides summer is on its way out now anyway - you said he tiled the bathroom before starting in the garden? Odd choice to do it in that order if it’s really about the kids being able to play out there. You’d have thought he’d have made the garden the priority so it could be enjoyed over the summer and lockdown.

Hidingtonothing · 22/08/2020 13:24

That'll teach me to rtft, apologies OP I've just seen your further posts and you've obviously tried that already and hit a brick wall. Ignore me and listen to wiser posters

crimsonlake · 22/08/2020 13:26

To be honest he is doing something that will benefit the family so I do think you are being somewhat unreasonable. I understand being a parent is relentless, but it could be even worse if you were both out at work full as a lot of people are.

Shamoo · 22/08/2020 13:36

He sounds like a selfish cunt. The fact he didn’t “let” you go out says a huge amount about his views of you and your relationship. What a twat.

Dishwashersaurous · 22/08/2020 14:20

If you are physically disabled then you are going to get more tired from general tasks like looking after children.

What adaptations have you all made to prevent you getting exhausted?

Merryoldgoat · 22/08/2020 14:26

He sounds vile.

NerrSnerr · 22/08/2020 15:05

I really don't understand how anyone can see the person they are supposed to love on their knees with tiredness and not want to do whatever they can to help.

This says it all to me.

WildfirePonie · 22/08/2020 17:41

It sounds like you're a single parent without the benefit of having every other weekend to yourself 🤷

WildfirePonie · 22/08/2020 17:48

And there is only one month of possible good weather to be had, it would be better to wait till next year to finish working on the garden? How much longer will it take him and how much use will you get from it before the nights draw in?

LouiseTrees · 22/08/2020 18:05

I disagree with your husband’s behaviour but here’s a suggestion. Ask him to parent and say you’ll do the garden. I bet he’s not getting much done anyway.

LouiseTrees · 22/08/2020 18:09

@Odabunmie

If you're that exhausted he should give you a break, but equally he'd deserve a similar break Fine, let’s split Saturday in half and each have a rest, then he can garden on Sunday. But he won’t, he wants to spend the whole weekend on the garden and me have the children all weekend.

Don’t you have any family/friends locally to help?

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 22/08/2020 18:18

Don’t you have any family/friends locally to help?

A) why should other people step in and do this man's fair share of parenting his own kids?

B) don't you think if she had that, she's have used it?

C) did you need read her posts where she explains she has no one else to have the kids besides him?

He's a cunt, OP. I have a feeling, however, sadly, that you already knew this.

Spinakker · 22/08/2020 19:54

OP is exhausted. People just don't get it. Once you get to that level of exhaustion it's almost dangerous to be left to supervise the kids. I'm completely with you OP. Your DH is just not listening to you or caring about your needs. The only thing I can suggest is to say you are ill if he is not understanding about being exhausted. Say you have a migraine or something and there's no way you.can have the kids for the whole weekend alone. Then another time when you are feeling better assess how to deal with him not caring about how you feel. Sorry you have to deal with this x

Dishwashersaurous · 22/08/2020 20:00

Thinking about this. Does he actually really understand and know how exhausted you are?

Looking after two children shouldn’t in and of itself result in you being utterly exhausted- which you clearly are.

Is he generally supportive of your disability and what you need to do to manage it. Or is this part of him not understanding what life is like for you

sst1234 · 22/08/2020 20:22

So your DH is improving the house and you get a cue if batshit responses saying that he is a selfish so and so. The world has gone mad.

Paying someone to do this work would cost you money, since he is saving that money, why don’t you use some of that to pay for childcare to give yourself a break.

GoldenOmber · 22/08/2020 20:46

So your DH is improving the house and you get a cue if batshit responses saying that he is a selfish so and so. The world has gone mad.

He's not a selfish so and so because he's 'improving the house'. He's a selfish so and so because he's decided, unilaterally, that this is what he's going to spend his weekends doing, that he is not prepared to take a bit longer with the garden so that his wife (and him!) can both have a break, and he refuses to compromise on any of it.

I love gardening. It's hard work but it's relaxing and therapeutic. I could happily spend all day in the garden and I would be making it nicer for the whole family while I was out there. But I don't spend all weekend every weekend out sorting the garden because it wouldn't be fair on the rest of the family to just opt out of spending any time with the children on the grounds of "but I'm doing it for all of us!"

You can't claim you're selflessly doing something for the whole family if some of that family are asking you not to and you're ignoring them.

Hellokitty82 · 22/08/2020 20:51

I'd check myself into a hotel next weekend and when he comes home from work on Friday have a taxi booked, things ready and say you're off for some space and just go, turn your phone off and relax!

Also get the kids booked into a club or childminder If its all getting too much give yourself a regular break then it won't all build up xx

Heartofglass12345 · 23/08/2020 01:00

When does he actually spend any time with his kids then?

Stephenfrylust · 23/08/2020 07:04

I can see both sides here. It sounds like he is not pulling his weight with the kids and you need extra help.

At the same time, laying a patio is hard work. Will have the garden done mean the kids have a place to play and ultimately make things easier for you in the long run. I get annoyed with my DH when a job needs doing ( particularly one in the garden where you are reluctant on good weather) and he wants to rest. Often that means the window to do it is gone.

This needs to be a conversation about the bigger picture of making sure you get rest and support.

cptartapp · 23/08/2020 07:14

He doesn't want to spend time with his DC. That's blatantly clear. He doesn't enjoy it. He can't be bothered.
You must be so disappointed in him. Your poor DC, it doesn't bode well. I hope your contraception is watertight in the short term. In the long term I'd be calling it a day and leaving him to it half the week.

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