AIBU to think it wasn't harsh enough?

[Morgzmum]

A few days ago, 1 of the neighbours children, who was playing on the communal area/road(!) came and knocked on my door and asked if I could stop my daughters from looking at them (he was with another neighbours child) while they were playing! My daughters are 3 and 4 and during lockdown their favourite hobby is looking out of the living room window for delivery vans who they've name (Mia the DPDP van).

I wouldn't have been as annoyed if he asked politely but this little 9 year old banged on my door like a bailiff and stood on my doorstep with the biggest pigeon chest I've even seen.

I asked him if his mum knew that he was knocking on people's doors telling their children when and where they can look outside, he told me to shut up and stormed off towards the other neighbours child who was telling me that they told him not to do anything as they're (my daughters) are only babies. I went round to his house to inform his mum what he had done, she shouted him over and said "please don't do that again, you know what happened last time" then sent him off to play again!

I don't know what happened last time but this child will jump out in front of cars while they are going down our road, refuse to move from SITTING AND LAYING in the middle of our road and throw pebbles (from his own driveway) at parked cars, so I'm guessing it isn't good.

AIBU to think that he wasn't even punished?
As far as I'm aware he hasn't been punished for any of the other idiotic things he's done and his mum will quite happily let him hang out of the window at his waist while she's driving.

Do I still have a right to be pissed off with how she handled it? My children wouldn't dream of doing anything that child does including my 3 year old.

Well, when I was a child you would never dare knock on the neighbour's door and speak to an adult like that! We would only knock to ask if so and so could come out to play (ooh and occasional knockdown ginger ) But judging from the responses from this thread, some people don't see it that way now. Times are have changed.

However! there was always one kid who would lie in the road, jump out at people etc. -You could prentent you weren't going to stop your car- He is trying to get attention. You have tried to take him to the park and his mum said no. There could be an issue here with his mum not allowing him to go out or she could be worried about what he will get up to if he were to go out with you.

Well from the perspective of my children it seems that there is nothing worse than someone looking at them, at least from the constant ‘stop looking at me’ and ‘why are you looking at me’ that we have to put up with. He clearly doesn’t like it and took reasonable (in his eyes) steps to stop it. There are scores of threads on here about people being uncomfortable with their neighbours watching them. In this case I can’t see he’s done much wrong. The other examples yes, but punishing a child for telling an adult he doesn’t like something another child is doing? Isn’t that what we all tell them to do?

He sounds like a character! No offence but you just haven’t had a slightly older child yet 🤷🏼‍♀️ It’s cheeky but also a bit funny. As someone else said it’s also true that there’s probably some neighbours who talk about the poor little girls at no.29 who are always staring forlornly out of the window!

Blimey talk about starting young.

Never realised dickheads came in an age 9 variety 😂

I hate dealing with my child's behaviour when an indignant parent is around (when younger my dd would sometimes behave unacceptably). I would have spoken to my DD further later in the day.

What did you want the mum to do? She told her son not to do it again.

Oh if I told you about the behaviour of our little neighbour... All of which goes completely undisciplined and any complaints are met with load swearing from the father My advice is, unfortunately, you won't get any satisfaction out of some people, and you'll just drive yourself mad trying. I stopped calling almost a year ago because I got absolutely no help at all, sometimes they just didn't come to the door. Pity the children.

Loud not load!

Chances are it will be brought up later. When something happens with kids and people look to you to respond/react I know my response/reaction at the time might be different to at home with nobody watch when you can properly talk about it or have it out.

Very true stayathomer but personally I would be very clear on this to the other parent.

For clarification, and because I forgot to put it in my OP, during lockdown my girls have been home more often (obviously) and there has a massive increase in delivery lorries and vans on our road which my daughters like to look at, they hear it, run to the window, name it then go back to doing whatever they are doing, no long wishful gazes out of the window or staring at people.

@Savananan I was on about road safety, of course every child is different, life would be boring if everyone was vanilla 🙂

The punishment I was meaning is a stern word with him as apposed to "you've done this before please don't do it again sweetheart, now run along and play" no 'drop-kicking' or whatever people people suggest people do to 'little shits'

The reason I invited him to the park is I have an 8 year old son so thought it would be nice for them to have an opportunity to get to know each other on 'neutral' ground as we haven't lived here that long (we moved in last autumn so no real time for them to get to know each other.

It's funny being told to shut up by a 9yo,really? That's depressing tbh.

Nope, needs a good yeet over the fence.

what did you want? a beating? the strap? grounded for a week or two? nobody likes being stared at and he was perfectly reasonable to ask as you were perfectly reasonable to refuse.

But bleating to his mum? Blimey, OP.

Very true stayathomer but personally I would be very clear on this to the other parent.
Ah yes of course, would tell them off but possibly be a bit deer in the headlights too, I don't think I'd look like the best parent at the time just due to the surprise!!!

Actually I think a good future message to him if he comes to door again and says similar would be to look at him, say nothing - and just shut the door!

Perhaps no attention for him fussing over ridiculous things will take away whatever he's currently gaining from it making it worth his effort.

I am in the minority here Yanbu. If my mum got told by a neighbour that I had told them to shut up I would be in serious trouble. My mum would have apologised to the neighbour and made it clear there would be punishment. I DEFINITELY would not be sent back out to play. I wasn't raised in a different era either I was raised on the 90s/00s.

As for pp having a go at a 3 and 4 year old looking out of their windows in their own house... Seriously? If they were looking into the neighbours windows you have a point but the girls are allowed to look of their own windows in their own house.

If the kid calls round again tell him to mind his own business and stop looking through your windows. Really go to town on him. Sometimes a kid needs a firm hand. Clearly he isn't getting that at home and he is only going to become more feral as time goes on. Lay your stall out early that he doesn't fuck with you or yours otherwise in a few years you are going to have to deal with a teenage asbo arsehole destroying your stuff and terrorising your family.

The dichotomy between 'he's just a tiny child, let him do what he wants, what do you expect his mother to do' on this thread and 'I bet his mum let him do exactly what he wanted growing up' on every thread where an op is complaining about a feckless/useless/cheating dp enabled by their mother...

Don't we all, as parents, have a responsibility to raise our kids to be the adults we want them to be, rather than allowing them to be exactly how they please? At what age does 'funny and cheeky' morph into 'bit of a dickhead'? 15? 20? Younger? Can't really entirely blame older teens and young adults for not behaving appropriately if it isn't instilled as a child. It's also a damn sight easier to teach young children to behave than older ones.

But...other than getting him to apologise to you for being rude, as both a lesson that actions can have direct consequences on the feelings of others and a discouragement for next time cos it is mortifying to have to apologise to an adult (to be clear NOT to make the adult feel better but to get the child to learn that they can't just say what they like when they like), I don't see what else she should have done. She told him not to do it again. You can't go in with a disproportionate punishment on first offence, or you leave yourself nowhere to go if behaviour continues, and whatever he has done before, this was the first time he's done this. Presumably the reference to 'last time' was whatever sanction she imposed then, brought up to discourage the behaviour.

Also if one of my kids did that to a neighbour I would fully expect the neighbour to tell them off. I don't subscribe to 'only I get to discipline my child' - children have to function in society and part of that is being used to feedback, both positive and negative, from the other members of society - you can't teach them early on that nobody else has the right to tell them what to do if they're having a negative impact on that person.

He sounds annoying. You handled it as best you could. His mum told him not to do it again.
Her problem now until he does it again to you. Judt be pleased he isn't yours

itsgettingweird

Actually I think a good future message to him if he comes to door again and says similar would be to look at him, say nothing - and just shut the door!

Perhaps no attention for him fussing over ridiculous things will take away whatever he's currently gaining from it making it worth his effort.

This. Look he was rude and clearly had an overinflated sense of his own importance. Blowing it up into a big ‘thing’ doesn’t help him. Showing him his behaviour is ridiculous (which it was) is a much better strategy.

He doesn’t sound like a happy and well cared for little boy- have some sympathy!

not your circus, not your monkeys.

You say your children weren't staring at him but perhaps he felt watched and didn't like it. I wouldn't like it if I thought I was being watched. Especially if it's been going on since lockdown.
I reckon his friend felt the same but lied because he didn't want you telling tales to his mum too.
I wouldn't have confronted his mum either. You're lucky she didn't take his side as lots of parents do. She told him not to do it again, what else were you expecting? And why were you hanging round listening anyway?
For the record I wouldn't be impressed if a 9 year old said shut up but would probably just be glad he's not my child. But in this case I'm not really sure what else his mum should have done. Perhaps she should have told him to apologise to you but it wouldn't have been sincere so a bit pointless.

Does the boy have autism? Behaviour and response suggest he might.

Why stop at a strap? Why not get a chain or whip? And lock him under the stairs like Harry Potter don't be a silly sausage

Seriously... The extent of the punishment I thought would be a stern word and an apology but neither happened.

And as for 'bleating' to his mum, I hope if any of my children talk disrespectfully to an adult that said adult tells me!