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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be made to feel like I'm being too paranoid during a pandemic?

97 replies

Dee96 · 21/08/2020 15:54

Really starting to feel like being cautious has now turned into people seeing me as being overly paranoid since everyone seems to become alot more relaxed with safety measures. I'm entering third trimester and starting to find it hard to breath/getting breathless. I have asthma which isnt really present, and heart palpitations. I've had countless words with my dp about how we really now more than ever need to be careful and not let our guard down. I'm very aware that me and baby are at risk and I dont want to get sick ontop of being pregnant if I can help it. A couple of weeks ago we were both invited to a meet up that we ended up not being able to go to since what started of as a little garden event became a party and double the amount of people came. My dp was clearly very upset by this as it was all his friends, that we havent seen in a long time and he craves the normality as do I. I felt bad for being the one to put my foot down, but at the same time annoyed that I was left to make the responsible decision that he didnt want to do. Now his friends have invited him out again, which is fine it will only be 4 of them in a small annex, the catch now is that hes been invited to sleep over and I'm worried with all 4 of them sleeping in such a tiny confided place. Again I dont want to be put in a position to have to be the one to say no, but I'm so worried as I know for a fact the friends he will be seeing havent taken any precautions and have been partying/ seeing other people without a care. We are only in our early twenties so I dont blame others our age for not having the same mentality as we do but we have a baby to think about and I dont want to risk anything. Would a sleepover be okay, am I being unreasonable and over the top? I barely go out myself, practically shielding. I go to the supermarket and to see my mum. That's about it. But it's a controlled environment and only two households mixing not loads.

OP posts:

Stripesgalore · 22/08/2020 07:20

What are the rules at the moment? Is it that you can visit people but must attempt to maintain a distance from them?

I wouldn’t be happy about it OP. Why put a pregnant asthmatic at higher risk?

PleasantVille · 22/08/2020 07:20

[quote Dee96]@lljkk I have a family member that works in the nhs and still cares for people suffering and passing away from this. It's not that its disappeared but more so that it's been kept under wraps so people arent being put off going out and keeping the economy going. There is a reason why they arent announcing the death rate now[/quote]
Either that person is working not in the UK or for some reason they aren't telling you the truth. The number of people dying of anything is below average now and Covid deaths are tiny compared to other causes.

Two weeks ago 6 times as many died from regulat flu, the ONS is reporting falling numbers of infections this week. If you live somewhere not currently a hot spot your everyday risk is extremely low

TeddyIsaHe · 22/08/2020 07:21

[quote Dee96]@lljkk I have a family member that works in the nhs and still cares for people suffering and passing away from this. It's not that its disappeared but more so that it's been kept under wraps so people arent being put off going out and keeping the economy going. There is a reason why they arent announcing the death rate now[/quote]
I doubt this, my sister works in a hospital in Birmingham city center where they are considering lockdown due to the increase in infections - there is no one in ICU, and no one has died in her hospital in weeks.

Hiphopopotamus · 22/08/2020 07:23

I actually caught Covid back in March when I was the third trimester. This was before lockdown, and when the virus was everywhere in my area and I had no choice but to commute into work on public transport and be in a busy office. I think YABU - the risk is far far lower now than it was then. And at what point does the shielding stop? My guess is if you haven’t dealt with your anxiety before the birth, it’ll be ten times worse when the baby is here, and you won’t be letting anyone hold it or see it or wanting your husband near if if he’s been socialising. The longer you live with this shielding mentality the harder it will be to get out of it. For the sake of not isolating yourself at a vulnerable time when you have a newborn, much better to make those steps now!

ChasingRainbows19 · 22/08/2020 07:23

I work in a busy northern nhs trust and can reassure you since May numbers of deaths and admissions fell gradually throughout the summer. For the past few weeks we’ve had no more than 1 or 2 covid patients. Deaths have been few and far between recently. There is no hiding cases or deaths.

Now is probably the best time for your partner to see his friends before the baby is here as you will be just as anxious then? Plus resentful if he is out and about leaving you with a new baby? The risks will be pretty low at the minute. Surely he can be careful and use hygiene etc.

Stripesgalore · 22/08/2020 07:31

I’ve just read the government’s guidance and he would be going against it and increasing risk.

So you’re not being any more paranoid than the government.

TW2013 · 22/08/2020 07:56

Can you look on a map to see the infections in your area area and make your decision based on that, or maybe he could take a tent and kip in their garden.

1990shopefulftm · 22/08/2020 08:13

@Dee96 I m sorry that you ve been feeling like you re paranoid and I don't think that you are, the studies they have on the effects on covid in pregnancy are quite small unlike other population groups so far but they do show if we get it in the 3rd trimester it's more difficult to recover from you with the extra pressure on our lungs and more likely to lead to hospitalisation than in someone than isn't pregnant and that's enough for me to have some concerns.

I m pregnant and asthmatic and in the 3rd trimester like you, my DH has seen a couple of friends at a distance in public places and carefully gone shopping with some precautions but wouldn't be breaking the guidelines and staying overnight at people's houses whereas I ve not seen friends or family and they ve been very understanding of that and we will be making a decision what to do when they re born with people meeting baby with some social distancing in place as best we can.

I ve spoken to my DH about my concerns that if he got covid and I went into labour then I would have to do it alone which would be incredibly difficult to forgive someone for if it could have been prevented, so if your DP is not seeing your side then I would be explaining to him what the differences between a covid positive labor situation compared to if you don't have covid.

Stripesgalore · 22/08/2020 08:18

This thread is very odd in terms of posters thinking it is okay to break the guidance by meeting up in a house with people from more than one other household. It makes me wonder how many people are ignoring the rules.

I am in one of the areas where we can’t even meet up in a garden, and am pretty sick of it, but still following the rules.

FluffyKittensinabasket · 22/08/2020 08:31

I’m pregnant and I have asthma. If I’m fit enough to go to work, I can go out to eat, see family etc.

Original poster

Dee96 · 22/08/2020 08:41

I'm not naive enough to believe in conspiracy theories, my point by addressing I have a family member that works for the nhs is that I'm very aware it is still a thing where as I feel like alot of people around me now, particularly because of the age group, have seem to gotten into a mentality where it's not. I know pregnancy comes with many risks so I'm trying to not add to this by taking precautions and following measures set by experts that know what's best. And yes I wont be allowing anyone to hold my first born when she arrives, but you shouldn't really anyways until they have their vaccinations as babies dont have any immunity! Yes this maybe considered over the top to some people but god forbid something was to happen I wouldn't be able to live with myself by thinking it could of been avoided by simply doing x y and z. Everyone needs to do what they need to do to feel comfortable and safe. So it's great if some people are overcoming this and managing life as normal now but I dont want to be ignorant to the fact that I'm coming into my third trimester, asthmatic, and already struggling with breathlessness in my pregnancy. I can only imagine how worse it would be not only having a baby reducing my lung capacity but an illness as well. Yes ideally I would of preferred my dp to meet up with his friends in the garden instead of a confided environment given these friends have been to plenty of parties and are from numerous households but as everyone has clearly stated and I know myself it would be selfish to keep him from this and I feel I have no right. However it doesnt mean I shouldn't be able to feel like I cant put me and my babies health first.

OP posts:

YesINameChangeEveryDay · 22/08/2020 08:46

Personally I think you're being a bit paranoid but that may be because I'm 27 weeks pregnant, work in a public sector frontline role and have a 4yo at nursery. I don't really have a choice but to get on with it.
If you never go anywhere I can see why you might become more worried about it.

YesINameChangeEveryDay · 22/08/2020 08:48

And yes I wont be allowing anyone to hold my first born when she arrives, but you shouldn't really anyways until they have their vaccinations as babies dont have any immunity!

Do you suffer from health anxiety op? This is kind of bizarre thinking. Vaccinations will only protect the baby against the diseases they're designed to. So the baby will still be able to catch colds, flus and anything else they don't vaccinate for.
The best way to keep your baby healthy is to breastfeed if possible, for everyone to wash their hands but then just to get on with it.

TeddyIsaHe · 22/08/2020 08:51

You know that babies need to be exposed to germs to build up their immunity right? Vaccinations only cover a certain amount of things.

You can’t live in a sterile environment for months, not letting anyone near your child because of fear. There is more chance of your baby getting injured in a car accident on the way home from Hospital than becoming seriously ill with covid.

I understand you are protective, and worried, but this is veering into high anxiety. I really do think it would be worth talking to your midwife in regards to your fears.

chickenyhead · 22/08/2020 08:55

Research indicates covid is a significant risk to newborns.

And babies do not need to build immunity, they acquire their mothers to cover the first 6 months of life.

Why opine on what you clearly do not know.

TeddyIsaHe · 22/08/2020 08:56

@chickenyhead

Research indicates covid is a significant risk to newborns.

And babies do not need to build immunity, they acquire their mothers to cover the first 6 months of life.

Why opine on what you clearly do not know.

Let’s see some scientific evidence for your claims then, especially about covid being a significant risk to newborns.

Do you truly think posting this to a mother who is clearly already extremely anxious is a good thing? Or do you just need to stick your oar in the whip up more fear for the fun of it?

chickenyhead · 22/08/2020 08:58

She knows it already, its well known

TeddyIsaHe · 22/08/2020 09:00

@chickenyhead

She knows it already, its well known

So you can’t back up your claims with any evidence that isn’t Daily Mail based the . Ok!

Dragongirl10 · 22/08/2020 09:00

I don't think you are being unreasonable, he should care far more about your feelings than seeing his friends at such an important time.
Even if there is little risk to you your feelings should come first.

Why can he not go a few more weeks without seeing his friends is he 12?

PotteringAlong · 22/08/2020 09:03

And yes I wont be allowing anyone to hold my first born when she arrives, but you shouldn't really anyways until they have their vaccinations as babies dont have any immunity!

You don’t think anyone should be allowed to hold a newborn baby for the first 8 weeks of its life other than their parents in case they catch something?! How do you think people manage when they have more than one child?

FilthyforFirth · 22/08/2020 09:05

You lost me at babies shouldnt be held by anyone until they've had vaccinations. What utter rubbish.

Yes you seem paranoid. From a pregnant, asthmatic 4 days from the 3rd trimester woman.

borntohula · 22/08/2020 09:14

Fgs he's a grown adult, you can't 'tell' him what to do!

EleanorOalike · 22/08/2020 09:16

The statistics really aren’t correct, certainly not in my hometown. According to our local newspaper, there are no Covid cases in our hospitals and there have been no new cases in the past week. Yet I’ve got immediate family members who work in the hospital and another that works in a care home. One of the hospitals has a large outbreak at the moment that is being covered up. The ward the outbreak was on (previously Covid Free ward) was intentionally discharging Covid positive patients into care homes and the community and telling care home owners and relatives that “they were swabbed for Covid and tested negative” when they had tested positive! When care homes refused to readmit they were dumping the Covid positive patients in ambulances or taxis and dropping them at the homes or at vulnerable relatives houses. This is not back in March. This is in the past ten days. Yet we are being told by ONS and our local NHS trust that there are no new Covid cases in the hospital and none in the community. It’s simply not true. And anyone that works in the hospital or in the community knows that! I personally know 25 people currently affected! ONS/Local News...zero cases?

And yet PHE Infection Control are currently supporting the homes and hospital wards with their outbreaks...so the government do know...

I’m in isolation because of this local outbreak. And I’m shielding. So I’m pretty pissed off about it and the fact it’s not being covered.

EleanorOalike · 22/08/2020 09:23

And OP I don’t think you are being selfish. I think your OH is being damned well inconsiderate.

Oxyiz · 22/08/2020 09:24

I think I'd be equally anxious as I'm prone to health anxiety. I'd also feel somewhat ticked off if I was heavily pregnant, scared, getting ready to give birth during a pandemic which has changed everything, and meanwhile my partner couldn't just meet up with friends outdoors instead of indoors for a while.

But I can also see why everyone else would see that as unreasonable too.

I think unfortunately, all you can do is focus on looking after yourself and not changing his behaviour.

Have you tried things like mindfulness exercises and the like? Do you have extra inhalers on hand? A bag packed in case you do have more breathing problems and end up overnight in a hospital?

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