I have no friends and most likely never will. ..

[trexraptor]

Moved a lot as a child, changed country once which is where I live and have settled down now.
Me and DH have both sets of parents around, little DCs, quaint house, all good there.

But I have no friends, literally not a soul I could text/call for a girly catch up/coffee/night out or just for a chat. I went to a horrible school where I got bullied as I wasn't from this country and the friends I made towards the end turned out to not really be friends.

Now that I'm a mum myself and one of my DCs are at school I thought I would've maybe struck up a friendship with one of the school mums but there's an age gap between me and DH (not the biggest in the world but still) and it seems where we live people have DCs in their late 30s/early 40s so I'm the youngest mum by at LEAST 10 years if not more from what I've gathered and haven't really gelled that well.

I have a career WFH which I love as its allowed us great flexibility with DCs and not having to rely on anyone for childcare especially in the recent times but it doesn't allow any opportunity to meet new people.
DH has tonnes of friends and bumps into someone he knows in most places we go to, I've socialised before in couples with some of his friends but never made a connection with anyone that would maybe develop into a more independent friendship.
I've attended mum and toddler groups where I know most people and chat and so on but again they all either have existing friends / friendship groups or we never get past the initial polite chat stage.
I've tried sites and meet up forums but without much luck.

It's gotten to the point where I'm not great in social situations and can probably be quite boring. I get on with it most of the time and I'm pretty happy with my lovely DH, DCs and cat.
But I have to keep encouraging DH to go out and see his friends and do nights out because I know he feels bad that I can't do the same and is sometimes reluctant to go.
And sometimes it all just gets to me and I think how once DCs are older and more independent I'm going to be quite lonely. I look around and see these lifelong friendships or very close groups and I get a little pang of jealousy and pain.

AIBU to think that this is just how it always will be?

It won't always be this way. You come across so well in your post that I'm sure your positive approach will translate to real life.

Start with building up acquaintances and see what friends develop from there.

Same, people absolutely baffle me tbh.

I know how you feel- I can't seem to gel with any mum friends at all so have ended up pretty much sticking within my family recently! I hope it won't always be this way- sometimes I just think as don't meet the right people at the right times in our lives sometimes😕

There’s a concurrent thread today about the book The Secret about deciding what you want and then getting it. I’ll try to find the link but it could be interesting for you to read.
Some things jump out at me from your post:
You seem to have given up on making friends already(and I’m assuming you’re only in your twenties).
I’m not clear on whether you really, really want friends or you just think you ought to because it’s what people do. You seem content in lots of ways.
The fact that you work from home and have small children does make it hard, I’m sure. I’ve just a lot of chit chat in toddler groups and school gates but I wouldn’t say I’ve made friends exactly.
Trying to make friends is harder than just concentrating on taking an interest in people, asking questions, practising making them feel at ease, and just enjoying the moment.
I haven’t got an answer for you (as you can see!) and I realise having been bullied means your confidence in others may well be lacking but you’ll be going in the right direction just thinking about what it is you really want or need.

Yup. No friends here either. Never seem to be able to keep them. I’m not very good at approaching people. I also think it is hard the older u get. I used to have lots of friends and spending all our time together. Obviously that changes as you get older. But I never seem to be able to find them

I gave up a while ago. And now it’s just me.i do get really really jealous when people say things about their best friends as I while give everything to have one. But I don’t.

You'll meet some eventually. Maybe you are ruling out potential friends as well without realising it. Maybe consider friendships with some much older than you or younger. Also maybe reach out to your dhs wives again. You said you didn't form a connection straight away. That is often the case on the first few meetings with a new person but if you keep ok persevering you will probably find a connection eventually. I have friends or acquaintances in my life who I don't exactly connect with but I still continue to make an effort with and eventually these connections can lead to friendships either with that person or that person introduces you to others who you gel with better. The trick is to persevere with different groups of people and over time friendships will form. If you just meet someone once and decide you don't gel then you lower your chances of finding friends.

Sorry dh's friend's wives !

Thanks everyone.

I've tried to kind of feel out the mums at DCs school but some just keep to themselves anyway, a couple actively avoid getting involved much in the whatsapp group apart from the bare necessities (replies to birthday parties or something). There's a few that have gelled with each other that are very similar iykwim. There's one or two that I've actually accidentally caught being a bit bitchy about me and one that seemed lovely and curious about me until it turned out she likes to talk behind people's backs (not me in particular but anyone and everyone) and has even expressed delight about things like attractive women loosing their looks with age so I give that a bit of a wide berth.

I've given DHs friends wives a few tries but my Achilles heel is that once I get into a conversation with someone my mind blanks and I'm literally stood there raking my head about a potential subject to keep the chat going to no avail.

I know I'm not a social butterfly deep down and couldn't be out all the time and definitely need some quiet time after a bout of socialising but I'd love to sometimes be able to dress up for girly drinks and head out or have something in my calendar that doesn't involve DH, DCs or our respective families.

It is difficult. 90% of my friends are from school. The others are from the gym, work and university.. if you don't have that grounding than I can imagine that it could be very difficult.

It will come though. You sound pleasant and kind. Could you join any groups to find like minded people?

I'm a younger school mum and most are older than me but that doesn't stop me making chit chat and now having an excellent group of mum friends (all about 8-15 years older than me!)
If you can, find out your child's closest friends at school and arrange play dates for the child and parent to come over be it the mum or dad. This is a great way to build friendships, as the kids are the same ages, probably play nicely etc. We quite often have BBQs (and even holidays!) with our school 'family' friends now. But you do have to persevere and put the effort in to get these meet ups going! And quite often it will be reciprocated

me too. Literally not contacted by a single person during lockdown. If I messaged them it would be one word answers back. Since I stopped, they haven't spoken to me or messaged or reached out. My face doesn't fit at dc school, so thats out. I work with teens, so that's out too. I sont even have hobbies!
I am loyal, kind, try to do what I can for whoever's but Nada.i have resigned myself to being lonely.

You are certainly not alone, OP.

Can you start a new hobby? Something that involves a club, meetup or book group? Whatever interests you have, try looking for something on meetup.com or a local Facebook group as sometimes they arrange in person meet ups. Then you always have something in common to talk about. I just saw someone new to my city post on a Facebook group that she would like to meet new friends locally and about a dozen women had replied saying they were happy to meet up! It was lovely to see.

Same for me too. I made friends easily at school but moved a lot so lost touch with people. I'm a friendly person but just can't seem to click with anyone anymore. I've had lots of long conversations with random people in shops and supermarkets (often elderly people) so I know I'm approachable and I've been told I'm a good listener. But everyone just seems to have their family and established friendship groups and I don't fit in. I went to baby groups and all that when the DC were small and it was always lonely as no one wanted to speak beyond polite chit chat.
I've made an effort plenty of times but either people aren't interested, it ends up one sided with me doing all the leg work, or I get used.
I'm pretty content with just my DH and DC but it would be nice to have a friend to chat to and go out with sometimes.

Don't write off friendships based on age, my best friend is 10 years younger and I have friends 10-20 year older than me. Especially once you are an adult age is pretty irrelevant unless say you are arranging an extreme sports outing and your friend is an infirm 85 yo.

What are you interested in OP ? Could you join a group connected to one of your hobbies? It can be easier to make friends with people if you share an interest, the conversation will flow better if you both have a passion for the same thing. Possible that these sort of groups are not happening atm due to covid but something to bear in mind for the future.
I also wouldn't rule out the older mums at school - having a connection with someone or shared interest/attitude is more important than being exactly the same age.
Making friends does take quite a bit of effort once you get older but it can be done if you put the time in. I made two new friends while I was on mat leave with DS., although I must have met so many more mothers than that.

I'm the same but never been too fussed about having friends so tend not to make the effort. I'm now expecting a baby so thinking I could do with making some mum friends to help her socialise.
I think making friends is all to do with your mindset. My sister makes friends really easily, but she will start a conversation with anyone (she knows all the staff at our local Sainsbury's) she overshares personal information (including mine!) and isn't afraid to ask people for coffee, etc. I've always thought why would anyone want to be friends with me, but maybe that's where I'm going wrong. Perhaps focus on a couple of people that seem nice, think in advance of a few questions you could ask them each time you see them. Then after a while try and suggest a coffee or something? Maybe a play date? Good luck, I'll be thinking of you when I'm doing the same

You sound lovely! But there is a numbers game involved in making friends. Firstly, you are only going to click with a small number of the people you meet so you do need to get yourself out to groups, the playground and other places if you want to make friends. The second stage is actually being willing to strike up a conversation and, if you gel, asking if they'd like to meet again. If you're shy, it might be best to go to regular groups where you see the same people every week so it feels more comfortable. But if you're more reserved yourself, there's a high chance that the people you like will be so as well...One of you has to make the first move otherwise you'll just continue as acquaintances at a distance ! The worst they can do is brush you off.

Also, shamelessly use your children... I invited all DS's nursery friends to his 2nd birthday party and got nursery to give out invites and I now see two of the mums regularly and am in contact with one more who we meet for coffee or a walk occasionally. Children are an easy topic of conversation in the playground and park so we've made a few friends there as well.

The other thing you could do especially since it sounds like your DH is supportive is some 'non-, child' hobbies. It can be easier to get to know people if you're there for a common purpose. So a regular exercise or dance class, book group or other hobby. I'm sure you'll get there but you do need to be brave about it! Having been a shy child and young adult, I understand where you're coming from, though.

Moved countries as a kid as well, see nobody from school et cetera anymore. I make friends via work and clubs. It's a bit of a hit and miss, more misses than hits but for me it works best if I invite someone to do something together. So go see something or go to a christmas market or whatever. Something light, that doesn't take too long. I find that people talk more intimately when they're out and about. I also try to ask questions and let them talk 70% of the time.

Like I said, it's more miss than hit but this is what works for me.

I feel the same OP, though I'm older than you.

I've looked into groups and things I could attend but it's never worked out - they'll be in the day when I'm working, or transport is difficult, and after I had DS trying to fit anything in around him, my hours and DHs hours became impossible so I gave up looking.

Friendships are like a game of tennis. You each have take turns batting the ball back over the net. If one player keeps failing to do this the game falls down.

In friendships you have to ring up for quick chat, send funny postcards, give small inexpensive gifts (home made jam, magazine, bar of chocolate). Its difficult sometimes if the other doesn’t respond but keep at it when you find someone on your wavelength. You will gel with somebody. Never highjack your friends friends though.

I’m similar, struggle to maintain friendships.

The points above about repeat groups is good. Usually helps you to be more relaxed.

I would also recommend ‘How to win friends and influence people’. I remember the first time I read it I suddenly started getting invites to hang out with people.

You could meet people if you take up a hobby/interest/sport /volunteer work outside the home, at times when DH is around to babysit.
That's how most adults make friends. New people won't come knocking on your door, you have to get out there.

Volunteer or join some clubs.
I made loads of friends through volunteering with Girlguiding, for example.

You could meet people if you take up a hobby/interest/sport /volunteer work outside the home, at times when DH is around to babysit.

You have to be able to get to them though, which has always been one of my problems. Find the ideal thing, but it's at 3pm on a Wednesday when I'm in work. Find something else, but it's at 7pm on a Monday in a different town that's a nightmare to get to on public transport and worse to get home from. Look for something near where I work, but it's at 8pm when I finish work at 5.30-6pm and leaves me with an hours wait for the next train afterwards and I get home at 11pm.

It might sound a bit twee but if you are in a good relationship with your husband, then you have successfully made and kept one very good friend so it isn't that you can't make friends - you are just a bit stuck at the moment.

My advice would be to unclench a bit about it. Instead just focus on chatting at the school gate and finding a club or hobby or volunteer thing that you enjoy. Meeting people should flow out of that rather than being the point of it.

With regard to making conversation, my mother told me that when she started dating years ago, she would have a list in her head of topics of conversation. I used to laugh at her (very 1950s) but in some ways most people do prepare a little even unconsciously. They read a funny story or hear something interesting and they file it away in their head as something they could converse about later.