I have no friends and most likely never will. ..

[trexraptor]

Moved a lot as a child, changed country once which is where I live and have settled down now.
Me and DH have both sets of parents around, little DCs, quaint house, all good there.

But I have no friends, literally not a soul I could text/call for a girly catch up/coffee/night out or just for a chat. I went to a horrible school where I got bullied as I wasn't from this country and the friends I made towards the end turned out to not really be friends.

Now that I'm a mum myself and one of my DCs are at school I thought I would've maybe struck up a friendship with one of the school mums but there's an age gap between me and DH (not the biggest in the world but still) and it seems where we live people have DCs in their late 30s/early 40s so I'm the youngest mum by at LEAST 10 years if not more from what I've gathered and haven't really gelled that well.

I have a career WFH which I love as its allowed us great flexibility with DCs and not having to rely on anyone for childcare especially in the recent times but it doesn't allow any opportunity to meet new people.
DH has tonnes of friends and bumps into someone he knows in most places we go to, I've socialised before in couples with some of his friends but never made a connection with anyone that would maybe develop into a more independent friendship.
I've attended mum and toddler groups where I know most people and chat and so on but again they all either have existing friends / friendship groups or we never get past the initial polite chat stage.
I've tried sites and meet up forums but without much luck.

It's gotten to the point where I'm not great in social situations and can probably be quite boring. I get on with it most of the time and I'm pretty happy with my lovely DH, DCs and cat.
But I have to keep encouraging DH to go out and see his friends and do nights out because I know he feels bad that I can't do the same and is sometimes reluctant to go.
And sometimes it all just gets to me and I think how once DCs are older and more independent I'm going to be quite lonely. I look around and see these lifelong friendships or very close groups and I get a little pang of jealousy and pain.

AIBU to think that this is just how it always will be?

Me too. I just struggle to gel with people, or I'm the one keeping the "friendship" going.

Same here. Although I don't really know what a 'girly catch up' is. It's a part of life that has passed me by.

You are not alone.

I keep going to hobby classes in the hope of meeting someone, but it never works.

At least you have the hobby that interests you though - I’ve got some friends now, in my 40s but I’ve found friendships evolves slowly and take work like any relationship. School mums aren’t always the best pool - you don’t have much in common except the kids and it can end up competitive.

We’ve moved a few times and a lot do people do already have a large/sufficient for them friends and family network so they’re not open for new friends.

I’d concentrate on doing something for you - hobby or gym/swim/whatever that gets you out the house and meeting people but not stress about it. Pets, family, nice DH - you are not isolated or any kind of loser so don’t feel like that.

I had good friends in school but I've lost touch with them all. My son was born with disabilities when I was 22 and he took up all of my time. Hes now a teenager and much more settled (obviously still disabled). I finally have some spare time but I find myself in my mid to late 30's with no friends. All of my old friends have moved away. It doesn't help that I'm not very sociable. I get social anxiety. I think people see me as stand off-ish when I'm really just a little shy.

It also doesn't help that most people my age have well established friendship groups and aren't open to making new friends.

In friendships you have to ring up for quick chat, send funny postcards, give small inexpensive gifts (home made jam, magazine, bar of chocolate). Its difficult sometimes if the other doesn’t respond but keep at it when you find someone on your wavelength.

I have a lot of friends, despite moving around different countries a lot in adult life, and I have literally never done this, or had it done to me by anyone else. I would go so far as to say I would find it deeply peculiar if a new acquaintance started bringing me jam or magazines or sending me funny postcards.

OP, you sound as if you have quite a generic approach to the people you are meeting, like they're generic DH's Friends' Wives/School Mothers/Baby Group habituées, -- you don't mention, for instance, whether you've met anybody you immediately liked and wanted to get to know better, and what you did about it if you did? (If I meet someone new that I like, I invite them to do something where we can see one another again. Of course, they're not always interested, but that's not a tragedy.)

Tough one - you sound really nice. I do wonder if you’re unduly concerned by how you come across though (you talk about being boring and getting stuck for conversation). I could have written this in my 20s / early 30s. Now I genuinely don’t give a toss - if i have a connect with someone then conversation will flow, if not, then I live with the silences and move away - Doesn’t matter. I’m an introvert naturally and find small talk awful.

The whole school mum thing is super super tough. You can’t be someone you’re not so it’s a case of putting your hard hat on, putting yourself out there (on committees, ask people for play dates / girly stuff) and if situations don’t work out then move on. Hugs xx

You can also simply not gel in friendship terms with the place you're living in. The last place I lived (seven years, did all the right things like volunteering, getting involved in community stuff, had a child who'd been there from the baby group stage through preschool into the village primary) was just a poor fit for me socially. I didn't meet people I thought were interesting, and the only real friends I made during that period were via work, not where I lived.

I only lived in my new place (new country, also) for less than three months before we went into lockdown, but I've already met far more interesting people I'd be more than happy to pursue a friendship with in that time here than in the previous seven years, despite moving house three times since the New Year.

Another thought -- you seem to be only focusing on women. Have you considered men as potential friends? Some of my closest friends are men, mostly via jobs, but one was the father of one of my son's friends.

I have no friends either, although I'm late 40's and am very happy to not have the drama that comes with friends. It's all too much effort, I don't really like people past a superficial level, but this is definitely a me problem, I know this. I'm happy so have no desire to change it.

Now, some people would say I'm a looser or some such nonsense, but that just goes to prove why I'm better off without them in my life.

If you're happy OP, it's fine, if not get yourself signed up for a class that you're really passionate about, you're bound to meet like minded people.

I think you've definitely got out of the habit of trying and you’re assuming the worst and you’ve lost confidence too.

I’m not naturally good at making friends but I found myself going down the same path you’re on so I reflected on my actions and saw that there had been lots of missed opportunities where I had been very guarded, avoidant and defensive. Could that be the case for you?

I also started seeing what people who are successful at making friends do and copied them and here are some tips:

-don’t be too fussy about who you talk to. Don’t discount people for arbitrary reasons (eg social class, age)
-be generous
-be open. Over-sharing is taboo so I always thought it best to never share a problem but people are flattered if you do. Ask for advice on something
-enroll your kids at any activity you can
-be a bit in yer face/cringey (eg I have actually gone and introduced myself to neighbours or asked to add someone on social media after a good chat)

I’ve met loads of parents down the park/out and about where we live. I tell my D.C. to go and talk to their DC! Same at the park! I wouldn’t say we are best mates yet but it’s not all about best mates it’s about networking and PRACTISE!!

Age doesn’t really matter in friendship groups. My friends are from all ages. One of the younger mums (she’s in very early 20’s) makes rude comments without thinking so people sometimes avoid her! As long as your not subconsciously making people feel like they’re old then you’ll be fine. Just be friendly and open to everyone. The older mums like me will not judge you in the slightest! But as I said be aware incase you giving off any subconscious vibes

I had children mid 20s (husband was too) in very affluent area. I had the same issue with the parents being much older with lots in common with each other.

I also worked at home but decided I needed to get a job outside the home once DC got to y6. Also joined club from a hobby I'd had as a child.

I now have lots of friends. Some are retired and some in their 20s. Some the same age as me give or take.

It was so much better when I moved beyond the school gate and found friends through my interests. DC is at high school now. I have a couple of mum friends from primary. In the end I think it all got quite bitchy and the parents fell out when the kids did.

I'm so much happier now. Other thing I did which really helped was use a careers coach for a few sessions. They helped me to think about my interests, skills and what I wanted out of my life with my job if that makes sense. It was so helpful for helping me shape my next steps in so many ways.

OP, as you have DCs you may find opportunities to volunteer and meet people arise through them. I'm not necessarily talking about the level of commitment of being a Guide leader (although hats off to anyone who does that), but joining committees or similar. I've quite socially anxious and I've met some lovely people that way - the bonus is that there is a shared interest as PP have said, and often built in social activities.

I relocated a few years ago. I need friends. Just a few but I do need them.
You won't find them sitting in the house! Leave the house. I enrolled on a counselling course. Because it's the sort of course full of nice people, ages 19-55.
I joined a book club, again not that interested in books but in the people that read them!
Made a very good mate at rock choir. Again, not gifted at singing but seemed to have nice people.
The next step is to ask if they want to do something outside said activity. I had no hesitation in saying I was keen to get out of an evening, even if it's just a walk or a drink.

What was your job Before your wfh? Did you have a workplace and get along with the ppl there?

Don't try and make friends
The other mums are your colleagues.
Ask them questions about their kids. Ask their advice about best places for ballet or cricket (even if you have no interest in your D.C. doing that - ppl like to help)

I definitely advise the hobby thing. I get that it is tough for you because I make most of my friends at work. But I recently joined a tennis course and through that started playing tennis with a lady once a week and then one week we went for coffee after and I think we are on our way to being friends. My Mum found a new friend at 76 by going to art classes. I didn’t manage to make friends through any baby classes or at the school gate. People with the same passion as you are much more likely to make better friends.

How did you meet your husband OP?

Have you looked at the local boards on here to see if there are any meet ups? Or maybe try to set one up?

This sounds awesome! People are over rated anyway. As so as I stopped trying to make friends I had a great life.

Sounds like early experiences have both attuned your radar & made you cautious. Being selective & cautious is ok ... like others have said you’ve met a dh who gets you & you feel happy with.. thats great foundation friends will come for you.. feel sure trust self.. recommend Brene Brown you tube Ted talks on vulnerability... don’t give up 💐

I worked ft in a difficult job all my working life. I had 1 really lovely friend from uni but hardly saw her. I’m shy and a bit boring , so always worried about not having friends .
But - in my fifties I have somehow become very close to 3 friends my age who all had dc at the same school. We are all a bit shy and anxious . But we do loads together and have become very comfortable with each other . And as my dc are adult I can meet my uni friend. And I have lunches out with folk from work ( I am retired now)
So don’t give up hope. My social life in my late 50 s is way better than its ever been

Ironically since I stopped giving a fuck people keep inviting me to things, trying to be my friends, hangout etc. Your interrupting my presious, leave me alone! time lol

I'm crap at making friends unless we have an activity in common, so I'd say try a new hobby. I found a martial art was really good for meeting new, friendly people.

Have you tried the PTA? Not necessarily being on any committees but helping out at events etc. I made lovely new friends this way when I first moved to our village. Volunteering at school is another way.

You don't come across as someone for whom there's a particular specific reason why they don't make friends (e.g. self-centred, lacking in awareness etc.) and I realise it is harder once you get older as people already have a few 'set' friendship groups. My friendships tend to fall into a few different groups - just a couple of people from school; quite a few from university and conversely via the husband of one of my close university friends (i.e. when she met him and her friends started mixing with his friends, I did particularly gel with his friends too and now count them as some of mine and DPs very close friends), obviously a group when I met my DP albeit that is via him. However I made a new group of very close friends when I was already in my early 30s because of a sport I took up. So I would suggest persevering with your husband's friends in couple meet ups - I know you said it didn't feel like that would take off but if you like them, friendships of your own through this group could certainly develop but it does take time for these deeper friendships to form organically, just from hanging out together. I think that's why it does become harder / take longer when we're older - when we're at school/university we have an abundance of time just hanging out chewing the fat etc that we don't have later in life when we're busy with family, work, but if those bonds are already formed they endure when life gets busy and we see less of each other. So persevere. And again I know it's difficult when you have small children, but if you can find a hobby or sport which you enjoy for its own sake, which involves mixing with other people, I would seriously pursue that as a means of meeting like-minded people. And again would suggest patience, give these friendships time to develop naturally. Don't give up OP! There's absolutely no reason why you shouldn't be able to form some good friendships of your own (and these don't have to be numerous - I doubt anyone who claims to have loads and loads of really close friends has more than superficial relationships but a few enriching friendships are worth their weight in gold) but it may take perseverance to find 'your people'.