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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to leave because of this?

80 replies

Dontletthecatout · 20/08/2020 23:09

I'll try to keep this short and not drip feed.

Today I've had a blow up with my oh but there have been issues going on with trust for some time.

I came out of a marriage of 10+ years which was controlling and emotionally abusive, stayed for the sake of our kids but eventually gave myself a shake and realised we would all be better off out.

I met my new partner quite quickly (within 6 months) after and have been together around 3 years and now have a dc together aswell.

My problems are, to put it bluntly:
He had a work night prom type event and came home with makeup on the collar of his suit. I didnt see it immediately as he placed it in his wardrobe and purchased stain remover online. It was when that came he told me what it was for. His reason is alot of hugs were given and girls wear too much makeup, he didn't hide it but didn't think to mention it.

Then he had another night out where it was him, 3 attractive girls and another male. The male left early to go home to his wife and he stayed out, singing on karaoke and drinking until 1am. He got a taxi back with the girls. He told me he would be home for 11. He also told me the following day they went to a bar and when he said the name I didnt recognise it so looked it up on fb and seen a video of him leaving to go to the toilet at the same time as one of the girls.

After this night out he said he was sick of the mistrust so changed the pin on his phone which was always just a generic one we shared and said he didn't want me looking anymore. (I didnt look often, like sneakily, just to check something if my phone was out of battery for eg)

Later he said it was because the girls sent videos of him on a group chat he didn't want me to see as I would get jealous.

He also took a call from one of the girls in my company and turned the volume right down during it. When I asked him about that he said he didn't want me hearing her voice as I would get jealous.

Then while in the car his son asked to use his spotify and whats your pin? He told him out loud so hours later I tried it to see if it worked still and he had already changed it.

Recently I have been having problems with my lady parts, had an abnormal smear and was referred for a colposcopy. I had my appt today. On examination they said they would be testing for STDs as this is the most common reason for my symptoms although I had std testing after my marriage and haven't had any sexual partners since. They also took a biopsy as I had an abnormal portion of my cervix.

My oh works busy hours in an office and its always high pressure so I whatsapped him after we left the appt but before I managed to send it I got interrupted a few times but each time I noticed he was online. When I eventually sent it he was online but didn't read it for ages then came back saying basically, hope its all OK, you will be fine. I'm really busy though so have to go'

I was a bit miffed so text my friend instead and in the process noticed he was still online more than not so messaged him saying why are you too busy for me but not who you're messaging?

Basically he has said he has no idea what I'm talking about, he was busy and might have left his phone on by mistake and thats it. But he was going online then offline? He is saying I need emotional help as clearly I am disturbed.

He now persists this is not his fault and I have mental difficulties stopping me from having trust but I just think he's not even trying to help me and contributing to my paranoia!

Aibu???

OP posts:
minmooch · 21/08/2020 00:07

I think you should report your own post and ask for it to be moved to relationships where you will get more responses.

MNHQ
YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet · 21/08/2020 11:12

Hello @Dontletthecatout - we're moving this to AIBU as requested.

dontdisturbmenow · 21/08/2020 11:26

You clearly have no trust for your oh. Your level of checking on him sounds obsessional. If he isn't cheating, then I feel very sorry for him with that level of harassment.

Polnm · 21/08/2020 11:31

When was this? Last year?

honeygirlz · 21/08/2020 11:32

It doesn’t look good does it? When you add it all up I do think there’s something going on or he wants there to be.

The main thing is to get the STD check, don’t have sex until you get the all clear, and ask him to get tested too. Don’t let him mess up your health.

Your instincts are telling you he is not to be trusted, don’t doubt them.

ClaraJude · 21/08/2020 11:37

It sounds like a bad relationship. You don’t trust him and you check up on him obsessively, and he is disrespectful of you by accusing you of being jealous in situations where you haven’t expressed any view. His behaviour sounds shady, and you clearly suspect him.

It’s hard to see how there could be a future here.

Bookriddle · 21/08/2020 11:39

I had a similar situation with the make up on the collar, i was in a pub during the last world cup, England was playing, and they won, when the whistle went the whole pub was up celebrating, everyone was hugging each other, i hugged countless ramdom blokes and women, who i didnt know, ended up getting makeup on my collar, i didnt notice, my wife noticed when i got in later in the evening, i didnt do anything sinister, just got caught up in the moment, like everybody else

katy1213 · 21/08/2020 11:45

When did all these karaoke nights/proms happen? If you're picking over something that happened last Christmas, then you are paranoid. He went to the loo at the same time as a girl? Oh, well, bound to have shagged her in a corner!
If your test comes back positive, then your instincts were right. If not, you need to stop policing your partner. If you don't trust him, leave him. Don't degrade yourself by checking his every movement.

Shoxfordian · 21/08/2020 11:57

Why don't you trust him? I'd dump you for this tbh

user1493413286 · 21/08/2020 12:08

I think you’re overthinking it all; the make up thing happens - women hug hello and the fact that he told you about the second night and that the man left early and took the phone call in front of you would indicate to me that there’s not anything to hide. I think your worries about them going to the toilet at the same time really show that this has perhaps gone a bit far.
I’m also not surprised he’s changing his pin if he knows you’re checking it and clearly you are. I had an ex who used to look at my phone when I was asleep and I changed my pin, not because I was doing anything wrong but because what I message my friends and family about is private and not for others to read.

Bringmewineandcake · 21/08/2020 12:12

I would leave.

You do sound obsessive - checking FB videos of the venue he went to??

But he doesn't sound trustworthy at all so I get why you're suspicious. It's not going to get any better.

VettiyaIruken · 21/08/2020 12:15

It's not a healthy relationship and you might be better off walking away.

thepeopleversuswork · 21/08/2020 12:17

I don't see the point of this relationship to be honest. You don't trust him and based on what you've posted you have reasons not to trust him. Why bother with someone you don't trust? What's the upside?

You've been through a crap marriage and know what it does to your self-esteem and sense of motivation etc. Why would you willingly put yourself through that twice?

Pinkdelight3 · 21/08/2020 12:24

Did you do the Freedom Programme or any work to deal with what happened with your marriage? Because this relationship doesn't sound healthy whether he's cheating or not, there's clearly zero trust to build on. If you want to leave then leave, but commit to being on your own for longer this time until you're on more solid ground.

BluebellsGreenbells · 21/08/2020 12:29

You obviously feel there is cause for concern here and should listen to you inner voice saying something is wrong. Woman are rarely wrong about these things even if they chose to ignore their feelings.

Ask yourself Are you happy? Do you want to stay? Wether he’s cheating or not is irrelevant if you aren’t happy anyway.

knittingaddict · 21/08/2020 12:52

it so looked it up on fb and seen a video of him leaving to go to the toilet at the same time as one of the girls.

Sorry to go off t a tangent, but is this really a thing? Do they have video from the entire time that the club is open?

As to your relationship, I would say that it is unhealthy whether he has been unfaithful or not. It's probably not going to work long term, so maybe best to end it sooner rather than later.

knittingaddict · 21/08/2020 12:53

Sorry for typos.

Funnyface1 · 21/08/2020 13:00

Oh Christ, get out now.

Timekeeper2 · 21/08/2020 13:05

If he wasn't doing anything wrong, he would have nothing to hide. Him changing his pin and then changing it again after he said it aloud is concerning. He may say it's you being jealous, but even if it was, the FACT is that if he had nothing to hide, he would not care if you saw, and he'd know surely that hiding everything and acting so secretive only makes you more suspicious.

He is clearly cheating. He is gaslighting you to make you believe it's your jealousy. But what is the easiest way to put your partner at ease? NOT CHANGING THE PIN AND HIDING THINGS AND ACTING SUSPICIOUS. There is no doubt.

I would leave based on the disrespect he is showing you, he is treating you like you're not an equal and worth being honest and OPEN with.

Or alternatively, you could get a friend or acquaintance, that he doesn't know and won't recognise, to go to one of these things staying in the background and reporting back to you, so you have proof.

Original poster
Dontletthecatout · 21/08/2020 14:13

Thanks for the varied responses, I really need to hear both sides.

I appreciate my behaviour isn't normal and won't excuse it in any way, I do have so many trust issues through a history of bad experiences with men. I just feel its a catch 22 here, how can I ever build trust or try to when I've nothing to work with? If he's being so secretive all the time then what have I got to base it on?

Leaving has to be my last resort as I have split my family before and it really effected my existing kids, now they love him and I have another baby I cant do it all again if there was a chance it would work.

I do love him so much, I just desperately want to feel like he is the same back to me. He says he is but I feel like his actions say otherwise.

OP posts:
lyralalala · 21/08/2020 14:21

How often do you check up on him?

With my ex it was constant so even with the "if you have nothing to hide then why bother?" got too much. It does get very tiresome so if you were checking up on him constantly his stance is understandable. If it was a very rare thing then not so much.

WhatsApp's online/offline thing is totally unreliable so if you are going by that then you are being unfair. Mine seems to show me online whenever I'm using my phone and also keeps showing me online for ages after I'm now.

You really need to work out if you are being OTT because of your past (which is understandable, but would need you to work on it) or if he's being deliberately secrative because he has something to hide.

Staying for the kids is a terrible idea though. If you are both not happy then staying for the kids just makes everyone miserable. Do you want to stay with him?

BacklashStarts · 21/08/2020 14:25

You don’t trust him and it sounds like you mistrust predates this. Whatever happens you need to work on that as I wouldn’t tolerate this amount of checking, jealousy and mistrust.

It may be that some, all or none of your suspicions are true. Either you need to sit down and ask calmly. If you can’t do that then you could write him a letter.

Couples counselling may help esp if he hasn’t done anything.

BacklashStarts · 21/08/2020 14:27

In case it helps STD testing is totally standard and NHS would be daft to take people’s word for it and do more serious investigations first.

The WhatsApp stuff is paranoid.

Timekeeper2 · 21/08/2020 14:28

OP, his behaviour isn't normal. Going to that extent, to those lengths to hide things from you, is simply not normal.

How can it work? When he is actively cheating on you and gaslighting you? You will be miserable, kids pick up on that. Believe me they'd rather not have to see their mum miserable. Staying together for the kids is never worth it; to them, or to you. Don't let them think this is how a normal father/marriage is. Also, you didn't split your family before, your abusive ex did. And you won't be splitting your family now, your DP is the one who is doing this. Not you. You need to re-find that strength you had last time and re-enact giving yourself "a shake and realised we would all be better off out."

sammylady37 · 21/08/2020 14:32

Him changing his pin and then changing it again after he said it aloud is concerning. He may say it's you being jealous, but even if it was, the FACT is that if he had nothing to hide, he would not care if you saw

Utter bollocks. I personally have nothing to hide, yet I will not allow anyone look through my phone. They simply don’t need to. I’m entitled to privacy and those who text/email me are also entitled to that and to expect that I won’t let others read the communication.

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