Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To want to leave because of this?

80 replies

Dontletthecatout · 20/08/2020 23:09

I'll try to keep this short and not drip feed.

Today I've had a blow up with my oh but there have been issues going on with trust for some time.

I came out of a marriage of 10+ years which was controlling and emotionally abusive, stayed for the sake of our kids but eventually gave myself a shake and realised we would all be better off out.

I met my new partner quite quickly (within 6 months) after and have been together around 3 years and now have a dc together aswell.

My problems are, to put it bluntly:
He had a work night prom type event and came home with makeup on the collar of his suit. I didnt see it immediately as he placed it in his wardrobe and purchased stain remover online. It was when that came he told me what it was for. His reason is alot of hugs were given and girls wear too much makeup, he didn't hide it but didn't think to mention it.

Then he had another night out where it was him, 3 attractive girls and another male. The male left early to go home to his wife and he stayed out, singing on karaoke and drinking until 1am. He got a taxi back with the girls. He told me he would be home for 11. He also told me the following day they went to a bar and when he said the name I didnt recognise it so looked it up on fb and seen a video of him leaving to go to the toilet at the same time as one of the girls.

After this night out he said he was sick of the mistrust so changed the pin on his phone which was always just a generic one we shared and said he didn't want me looking anymore. (I didnt look often, like sneakily, just to check something if my phone was out of battery for eg)

Later he said it was because the girls sent videos of him on a group chat he didn't want me to see as I would get jealous.

He also took a call from one of the girls in my company and turned the volume right down during it. When I asked him about that he said he didn't want me hearing her voice as I would get jealous.

Then while in the car his son asked to use his spotify and whats your pin? He told him out loud so hours later I tried it to see if it worked still and he had already changed it.

Recently I have been having problems with my lady parts, had an abnormal smear and was referred for a colposcopy. I had my appt today. On examination they said they would be testing for STDs as this is the most common reason for my symptoms although I had std testing after my marriage and haven't had any sexual partners since. They also took a biopsy as I had an abnormal portion of my cervix.

My oh works busy hours in an office and its always high pressure so I whatsapped him after we left the appt but before I managed to send it I got interrupted a few times but each time I noticed he was online. When I eventually sent it he was online but didn't read it for ages then came back saying basically, hope its all OK, you will be fine. I'm really busy though so have to go'

I was a bit miffed so text my friend instead and in the process noticed he was still online more than not so messaged him saying why are you too busy for me but not who you're messaging?

Basically he has said he has no idea what I'm talking about, he was busy and might have left his phone on by mistake and thats it. But he was going online then offline? He is saying I need emotional help as clearly I am disturbed.

He now persists this is not his fault and I have mental difficulties stopping me from having trust but I just think he's not even trying to help me and contributing to my paranoia!

Aibu???

OP posts:
Original poster
Dontletthecatout · 21/08/2020 21:57

He has also blocked me from all social media, changed his WhatsApp so it doesn't show last online and taken off read receipts. Its over isnt it 😔

OP posts:
WhereamI88 · 21/08/2020 22:21

Blocking you off social media is weird, the whole behaviour tonight is meant to punish you I think, it’s strange. I don’t think he’ll have the guts to end it, he’ll screw with your head until you break it off so he can blame you. That’s the impression I’m getting.

BluebellsGreenbells · 21/08/2020 22:24

I agree. He’s worried you’ll have an STD and he’ll say it’s you cheating and the prove it was him. He’s hiding because he’s guilty.

Is this what you want from a partner? Someone who doesn’t come home when they say they will. Hides where he’s been? No explanation?

Porcupineinwaiting · 21/08/2020 22:27

The relationship is over. I suggest you start making plans.

Isthisit22 · 21/08/2020 22:37

Yes, total disdain for you. Make plans to leave.

JulesCobb · 21/08/2020 22:47

Well, he sounds like an utter nob.

Ireolu · 21/08/2020 22:51

This person does not care how you feel and has checked out emotionally. Be kind to yourself and remember you can't make someone love you. GL

nanbread · 22/08/2020 00:35

Hmm it doesn't look good. Sorry OP.

Will you try to talk to him? When you say he went to the spare room do you mean he's gone to sleep in there? Without even saying hi? Is that normal for him?

Original poster
Dontletthecatout · 22/08/2020 08:30

No its not normal at all, even if we've had a row he still comes to bed. He woke this morning and had a chat saying he just can't handle the accusations and the mistrust and I need to get help for that for us to move forward and be better. He says he's happy to go with me and own his own issues which he guarantees is not cheating or anything like it, just how he reacts to these situation. Feel so confused 😕

OP posts:
CatherinedeBourgh · 22/08/2020 11:26

So your children, within 3 years of you leaving ‘an awful marriage’ have not only another man living with you but also a new sibling and you don’t think that’s immediate because you had checked out before?

Are you going to be saying it’s ok because you took them to stately homes in a minute?

I still think you need professional help to work on yourself and the impact your behaviour has on others, independently and irrespective of whatever happens with this relationship.

I feel really sorry for your kids.

Original poster
Dontletthecatout · 22/08/2020 18:15

@catherine, if only we could all be as perfect as you must be. Must be a great view from your horse up there

OP posts:
CatherinedeBourgh · 22/08/2020 18:36

Not from my high horse, the view from someone who as a child had 6 step parents imposed on her by parents who moved on too soon.

Not suprising that I empathise more with your children than with you.

EKGEMS · 22/08/2020 19:24

@CatherinedeBourgh You need to give the OP a break and stop being cruel-so what if the relationship was made quickly?! Can't believe you told her to get professional help! She's got genuine concerns about an STI!

Krazynights34 · 22/08/2020 20:00

OP - I can see it both ways to be honest.
Do you have HPV?
I do think this relationship isn’t worth it!

CatherinedeBourgh · 22/08/2020 22:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

FirefighterA24 · 22/08/2020 22:24

You sound very anxious and he is seeming to love the attention your jealousy causes. Life is too short to be wasting it with muppets like him. Move on OP.

Blackcurrant66 · 22/08/2020 22:36

But catherine what use is it now? It’s happened. She is where she is. He’s having an affair. It’s obvious. She should leave him.

Original poster
Dontletthecatout · 22/08/2020 22:51

@ catherine some has to look out for her kids because she sure as hell isn't?

What do you know about anything to do with me other than what I've written? Which had included looking out for my kids by leaving their dad, a very difficult decision since they adore him, but I knew it was a terrible influence?

I may have met my oh soon after but my kids sure as hell didn't. They love him and he is a breathe of fresh air for them compared to what they had. Im not with him for no reason. I love him and he supports me and my kids more than their dad ever has. I wrote this post as of course there are many faults but alot of relationships do. I unfortunately don't have the benefit of foresight and can only deal with things the best I can when they happen, which i am desperately trying to do.

OP posts:
OhYeahYouSuck · 22/08/2020 23:00

I wouldn't be so quick to think cheating. It does sound like you are pretty paranoid and check up on him, and he has simply got fed up with it hence the blocking. That's not a normal thing for someone in a relationship to do so he could have reached the end of his tether. Given it's been months, I suspect you haven't let this go and have brought it up more than once.

Or he could be cheating, he don't know. But there isn't enough to go on unless it comes back that you have an STI.

Newkitchen123 · 22/08/2020 23:02

Not sure about WhatsApp but Facebook messenger online is definitely not reliable. I have a relative in a different time zone so some times we message when it's the middle of the night here if I'm awake. It sometimes says my husband is online.... He definitely isn't because he's fast asleep next to me

Glitteryone · 22/08/2020 23:05

I feel sorry for him to be honest OP.

I work in a corporate environment and work events / nights out are a mixture of males & females. I hug all my colleagues when greeting them and I’ve had to apologise to quite a few male colleagues for getting makeup on their shirts!

This all sounds very innocent to me. I think you need to deal with your jealousy.

Veiaola · 22/08/2020 23:17

Firstly I am sorry you are getting some awful responses here saying you are paranoid, ignore them as they obviously have not been cheated on before. So have no idea what it feels like. As for the what's app I don't know about the online status thing for sure but I personally have found it to be pretty accurate. I really think you need to leave this relationship he's messing with your head.

Skysblue · 22/08/2020 23:30

That sounds very confusing and I feel for you.

I don’t think the checking up on his phone etc is healthy/helpful and the jealousy sounds exhausting for both of you, especially if he isn’t cheating.

I’d suggest you both go to some couples counselling together. If this relationship is going to last - and it sounds like there is a lot there to work with that may make it last - then you are going to have to find a way to reach a place where you trust him. If you stay together but checkup on him all the time then neither of you are going to be happy (and you could actually drive him away).

Don’t take it to heart too much if most responses tell you to leave him - that happens on every relationship-type thread on mumsnet.

Good luck OP xx

Lightsonnobodyshome · 23/08/2020 00:10

I don't think it's possible to tell the reality from what you've said. It wouldn't surprise me at all if he's not being honest. Either way, your mind is buckling. All quite toxic.

Lightsonnobodyshome · 23/08/2020 00:11

I think you should have counselling on your own because if he's so clever, he'll absolutely convince the therapist you're the paranoid one. A therapist for just you could be helpful in working out what you really think.