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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to leave because of this?

80 replies

Dontletthecatout · 20/08/2020 23:09

I'll try to keep this short and not drip feed.

Today I've had a blow up with my oh but there have been issues going on with trust for some time.

I came out of a marriage of 10+ years which was controlling and emotionally abusive, stayed for the sake of our kids but eventually gave myself a shake and realised we would all be better off out.

I met my new partner quite quickly (within 6 months) after and have been together around 3 years and now have a dc together aswell.

My problems are, to put it bluntly:
He had a work night prom type event and came home with makeup on the collar of his suit. I didnt see it immediately as he placed it in his wardrobe and purchased stain remover online. It was when that came he told me what it was for. His reason is alot of hugs were given and girls wear too much makeup, he didn't hide it but didn't think to mention it.

Then he had another night out where it was him, 3 attractive girls and another male. The male left early to go home to his wife and he stayed out, singing on karaoke and drinking until 1am. He got a taxi back with the girls. He told me he would be home for 11. He also told me the following day they went to a bar and when he said the name I didnt recognise it so looked it up on fb and seen a video of him leaving to go to the toilet at the same time as one of the girls.

After this night out he said he was sick of the mistrust so changed the pin on his phone which was always just a generic one we shared and said he didn't want me looking anymore. (I didnt look often, like sneakily, just to check something if my phone was out of battery for eg)

Later he said it was because the girls sent videos of him on a group chat he didn't want me to see as I would get jealous.

He also took a call from one of the girls in my company and turned the volume right down during it. When I asked him about that he said he didn't want me hearing her voice as I would get jealous.

Then while in the car his son asked to use his spotify and whats your pin? He told him out loud so hours later I tried it to see if it worked still and he had already changed it.

Recently I have been having problems with my lady parts, had an abnormal smear and was referred for a colposcopy. I had my appt today. On examination they said they would be testing for STDs as this is the most common reason for my symptoms although I had std testing after my marriage and haven't had any sexual partners since. They also took a biopsy as I had an abnormal portion of my cervix.

My oh works busy hours in an office and its always high pressure so I whatsapped him after we left the appt but before I managed to send it I got interrupted a few times but each time I noticed he was online. When I eventually sent it he was online but didn't read it for ages then came back saying basically, hope its all OK, you will be fine. I'm really busy though so have to go'

I was a bit miffed so text my friend instead and in the process noticed he was still online more than not so messaged him saying why are you too busy for me but not who you're messaging?

Basically he has said he has no idea what I'm talking about, he was busy and might have left his phone on by mistake and thats it. But he was going online then offline? He is saying I need emotional help as clearly I am disturbed.

He now persists this is not his fault and I have mental difficulties stopping me from having trust but I just think he's not even trying to help me and contributing to my paranoia!

Aibu???

OP posts:
Original poster
Dontletthecatout · 21/08/2020 14:34

@lyra I used to check maybe after an event like I've mentioned, so when I found the makeup thing I had a look. Obviously now I'm unable to so it hasn't been this year at least.
Ive never found anything on his phone that is suspicious but I imagine if there was anything dodgy he would delete it anyway?

OP posts:
HowFastIsTooFast · 21/08/2020 14:37

I think the outcome of your test will be the real decider here OP, that's the only real evidence you'd have that he's done anything (if he has).

In the meantime for both of your sakes please try and tone down the checking up on him. If you go into your own Whatsapp and change Last Seen to 'nobody' it will mean you can't see when anyone else is online either and believe me it's a relief if you've got a tendency to check constantly.

I wouldn't overthink him changing his pin either. I have absolutely nothing to hide and my DP knows my phone pin, but if he were checking my phone regularly like it seems you are then I would absolutely change it because I'd be pissed off that he was snooping, at which point he'd probably think I did have something to hide. It's a vicious circle that you're both contributing to.

I think maybe you need to sit down with him and have a proper conversation. If your past experiences are making you over-cautious or paranoid then whilst it's not entirely fair to tar your current DP with the same brush, he should also understand it and if he is a decent bloke take some steps to reassure you and help you rebuild your trust in people.

Good luck OP x

Original poster
Dontletthecatout · 21/08/2020 14:37

@backlash I tried writing to him before as I find writing things down quite therapeutic but he just sighs and says oh here we go, another letter.

I don't think he really understands my troubles or has empathy for why I feel like this.

I'm the complete opposite, he calls me honest to a fault as I dont want any secrets or if I have something I would like to know if I were him I tell him straight away as I dont want another relationship like i had before. I just want the same back but he says thats impossible as we are different people.

OP posts:
HowFastIsTooFast · 21/08/2020 14:39

Ps... I've left plenty of make-up on the collars of male colleagues / the DH's of my friends by accident. Where I live we're very much 'double kiss and a hug' types on saying hello or goodbye (in normal times). It absolutely does not mean anything sinister has gone on.

Original poster
Dontletthecatout · 21/08/2020 14:40

Thats what he says, wait for the results then freak out if its positive for anything but he swears nothing has happened and is very confident it will all be fine. I've tried getting him to see it from my side, how would he feel but its not happening

OP posts:
lyralalala · 21/08/2020 14:42

[quote Dontletthecatout]@lyra I used to check maybe after an event like I've mentioned, so when I found the makeup thing I had a look. Obviously now I'm unable to so it hasn't been this year at least.
Ive never found anything on his phone that is suspicious but I imagine if there was anything dodgy he would delete it anyway? [/quote]
So basically you checked up on him every time he went out? That’s very wariness when you are on the receiving end

I’ll be honest if my DH made a comment about me going to the toilet at the same time as a colleague - basically your insinuation is that he had sex with his colleague in the toilet of a bar - then I’d walk because there’s no coming back from that.

HollowTalk · 21/08/2020 14:43

@Shoxfordian

Why don't you trust him? I'd dump you for this tbh
Can you think of one reason why she should trust him?
Cam2020 · 21/08/2020 14:45

This relationship is clearly doomed. Either you're going with your gut feeling about your partner and he's trying to gaslight you, or he's innocent and you're paranoid. It isn't good news, either way, sorry.

relievedlady · 21/08/2020 14:53

Op I don't know if he's guilty or not of anything but your obsessive behaviour isn't Normal

Step bak a minute and look into the situation.
I know you say you won't split because of the kids but your showing them the bad toxic side of relationships and lack of trust from a young age which can have a negative impact on their own relationships.

dontdisturbmenow · 21/08/2020 14:54

I do love him so much, I just desperately want to feel like he is the same back to me
And that's your problem. You are so scared that he might cheat and leave you behind, you'd prefer leave yourself.

It's a control issue you have. In the end, either he is a player and will play whatever you do, or grid just a friendly but totally faithful and honest person.

If the former, no checking on him will stop him doing it. You just have to accept that if he does, you made an error of judgement picking him to live.

If the latter, then it is your actions that will make him gradually stop loving you. I totally get his actions of preventing you accessing his things even though he's done nothing wrong because having your privacy constantly invaded is just horrible.

In his shoes, I would feel totally suffocated and constantly anxious that something so do could end up wrongly interpreted. I would hate feeling that I have to justify my actions when I've done nothing wrong. Its like having to answer to your parents about where you've been when whatever you say they want to believe you've been to no good. This would be enough for me to gradually lose respect in my partner and ultimately grow out if live with them.

hastingsmua1 · 21/08/2020 14:56

Honestly you sound like the problem here

Being paranoid with trust issues from your past isn’t cute. It’s not fair on anyone you date, it’s not your god given right to experiment with relationships and behave like this until they pass some arbitrary test. It’s not on your partner to fix your trust issues - it’s on you. Instead you need to seek counselling and be a better person before you date.

dwiz8 · 21/08/2020 14:56

Yabu

If I was your OH in this situation I would have left by now

You clearly don't trust him and it's a bit ridiculous how paranoid you're being

Hopefully your STD check comes back clear though Thanks

Timekeeper2 · 21/08/2020 15:33

It’s not on your partner to fix your trust issues

Maybe not but it's also not on her partner to goad her and deliberately be secretive and dishonest.

WhereamI88 · 21/08/2020 15:37

I love my partner and there is no way he has access to my phone and it never occurred to me to check his. But we trust each other. In your relationship the trust is gone. He sounds shady. It’s hard to tell whether you are reasonable to suspect him or whether you are exaggerating. Probably a bit of both. Accept to live this way or leave. You can’t change someone so your options are actually very limited.

dwiz8 · 21/08/2020 15:44

@Timekeeper2

It’s not on your partner to fix your trust issues

Maybe not but it's also not on her partner to goad her and deliberately be secretive and dishonest.

How is he being dishonest

Or even secretive. He is merely upholding some boundaries which he has every right to do

gutentag1 · 21/08/2020 16:23

Sounds like he's gaslighting you.

Acting sneaky and then "I'm only doing this because you're paranoid".

I'd be suspicious too if my partner was constantly changing his passcode, whatsapping other people whilst ignoring me and hiding conversations with women.

HotPenguin · 21/08/2020 16:35

It's clear as day to me that he's cheating, he's also gas lighting you by blaming you for being paranoid/checking up etc. Men with wives and kids don't generally go out to bars with their work colleagues til the small hours. If you really want to know for sure, you could track his phone or hire a private investigator. Buy if you're at that stage of mistrust, what's the point?

sophiestew · 21/08/2020 17:48

Where are you OP? Or did this happen pre Covid? I am confused.

Good luck with the STD results Flowers

Leaannb · 21/08/2020 17:55

He hasn't given her a reason to mistrust him. He shouldn't have to suffer for her issues.

PumpkinPiloter · 21/08/2020 18:01

It's obviously impossible to know for sure but the fact he changed his password so soon after you heard it seems very strange unless you could have misheard it.

Original poster
Dontletthecatout · 21/08/2020 18:14

I'm in the uk, the nights out etc are from pre covid. The biggest thing for me is being paranoid about the whatsapp thing and of course the std check.
I feel totally stressed out as I've been having ongoing issues for about 9 months with abnormal smears, got one in January then they referred me to return in 6 months which was postponed due to covid and now I've finally had another and its still abnormal hence the colposcopy and std tests 😔
In my mind if something is wrong then it dates back to when nights out were possible

OP posts:
CatherinedeBourgh · 21/08/2020 18:17

It could be either. If the STD test comes back positive then chances are your gut is right.

If I had to guess though, I would guess that you are incredibly jealous and controlling. He has been much more patient than I would have been in his situation. I’d have dumped you for any single one of the things you’ve done, let alone all of them together.

In any case, your relationship sound screwed. Maybe wait a little longer next time before hitching up with a new bloke and having him impregnate you? Maybe get some counselling to sort yourself out first?

PicsInRed · 21/08/2020 18:22

It's the gaslighting and angrily outright accusing you of being mentally ill whilst openly behaving like a cheater which does it for me. Sorry OP.

Original poster
Dontletthecatout · 21/08/2020 18:37

Thanks for all the helpful responses, as far as 'hitching up with a new bloke and letting him impregnate me' goes, yes we met soon after my awful marriage. I felt I had emotionally left that marriage probably at least 2 years before I had the courage to leave. I was then with my oh for 2 years before 'letting him impregnate me' so it wasn't exactly an immediate thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dontletthecatout · 21/08/2020 21:23

Update: he text at 530 tonight asking if I made dinner or should he get something. I said to get something. Then he called at 7 to say he was going to burger King and has only now just come home and went straight to the spare room without saying a word 😔
Burger King isn't worthy of a 2hr trip is it? Also, if he asked at 530 which is when he finishes work, why wait till 7 to call and go for something to eat? Now I feel like he's been somewhere between finishing work at 530 to now, 920. He works 20 mins away.
How am I supposed to feel secure and in a trusting relationship like this?

OP posts: