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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband’s attitude - off or normal?

77 replies

Verity35 · 20/08/2020 22:02

We haven’t been getting along. Not sure if I previously posted under this username or anon account. Things are difficult and we have young kids to add to the mix.

I really have been trying with him for the sake of peace in the house. Last week his niece got her A’level results and I asked him and he was vague as he didn’t know anything. Today I told him my niece got her gcse results and he was “okay” I then added she got such and such again it’s was “okay”. I would usually get annoyed at this point but I stayed calm and asked him any more updates on his niece university and he told me the name and I was making conversation and asked why she chose that particular one. He went off into his usual sarcastic and patronising tone telling me I’m stupid don’t I know it’s one of the Russel group universities and it’s like 5th top one in UK! Things got heated which ended in him slamming the doors and going off in a strop to leave me yet again to deal with the kids on my own.

Any insight please? Im so sick of this.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 20/08/2020 22:03

He doesn't like you...

Sounds like time to pull the plug.

LouiseTrees · 20/08/2020 22:04

Maybe he just doesn’t care to talk about the education of either niece

FudgeBrownie2019 · 20/08/2020 22:06

Far from ok. Which means you have two choices; accept it and continue to try and keep the peace, or accept that he's being a bit of a wanker and that you deserve more than to have to tiptoe about the house in case you say a word that upsets someone who ought to be your biggest champion.

I think lockdown has put pressure on everyone's relationships, even the very healthy ones. I also think walking away is far easier said than done. But to stay with someone who speaks to you like shit constantly is a waste of your time, your energy and your life, never mind the relationship it models to your young DC, who even if they're not physically in the room when he's being a dick will pick up on the mood in the house. Only you know if this is salvageable, but I'd be looking at the bigger picture and considering if I was willing to accept this on a long-term basis.

toconclude · 20/08/2020 22:07

@LouiseTrees

Maybe he just doesn’t care to talk about the education of either niece

So it's OK he was so snotty and patronising? Really

imissthesouth · 20/08/2020 22:09

Time to pull the plug i'm afraid, he doesn't seem invested in you

JulesCobb · 20/08/2020 22:13

What do you want insights about? He speaks to you like youre an inconvenience. It doesn't matter about what if this is his standard.

Do you work? Are you financially independent? What do you want?

Slimeisevil · 20/08/2020 22:35

Agree with PP. he speaks to you like an inconvenience. Like he HAS to.

Fuck that.

I know you have said you haven’t been getting along, but does he have any redeeming qualities?

You sound like me with my ex and I was constantly walking on eggshells. It’s not a life. For you or your children.

Blankblankblank · 20/08/2020 22:40

This was in front of the kids? Bad enough if it was just the two of you, awful for kids to be hearing that.

Keepyourginup · 20/08/2020 22:41

So from 1 paragraph of sketchy info people are telling the OP to end her marriage??! Based on a tiny bit of info and the fact that they aren't 'getting along'. Christ, my husband and I should have divorced many times over based on these reactions!

MiniCooperLover · 20/08/2020 22:45

Ok you were trying to make conversation but it's not really the most interesting subject, other peoples kids results. It's a quick conversation so he could have been more polite. I think people are generally fed up of being 'stuck' at home with their families, no matter how much they care for them. Is he usually like this or just since lockdown? I'm going away next week on my own and I bloody need the time away!

sst1234 · 20/08/2020 22:46

OP you will only ever get one default answer on here, which is to leave him, regardless of what he’s done, what the backstory is, what else is going on that isn’t covered in your tweet like post.

What insight can anyone give based on such little information. What do you think is going on? Is there a backstory?

WagnersFourthSymphony · 20/08/2020 22:54

OP, I'm guessing this is only one example of many that prompted you to post, because you wouldn't have been driven to post this story on its own - which is a bit thin and why some posters are being a bit snarky.

So there must be more. There must be a whole history of refusal to engage, dismissal, anger. Or more. And in front of the children. Am I right or are you just being a snowflake? There's a lot more to 'we haven't been getting along', isn't there?

Vodkacranberryplease · 20/08/2020 22:56

Well you could ask him. Properly.

"DH, you don't seem to like me very much or be very happy. You are rude and dismissive and ive had enough. Would you like a divorce? I'd rather we just did it as I really don't need to live like this. I'm not interested in you having me around for convenience only. I'd rather we just split so we can meet other people and be happy. Don't you agree?"

Then say nothing until he speaks and let him speak. Do not interrupt. Let silences go for longer than is comfortable. Of course he will deny etc. You simply say "that's not true. We both know that. Have you met someone?"

Keep asking. Let him talk. Don't interrupt or soothe or understand - you are there to find out what's going on not to make him feel better, or worse.

It may be something of it may not. He sounds like he's got an amount of contempt for for, and is not interested, but you need to hear it from him not us.

If he says one thing and acts like another believe his actions is sll I will say though.

Original poster

Verity35 · 20/08/2020 23:12

I just find him uninterested in everything. In the beginning I mistakenly thought he was just easy going but after being together and married for well over a decade it is clear he doesn’t care about anything. Even conversations like eldest whose in year 1 shall we send her back to school in June - “you decide, I don’t mind”. Every life decision I have made on my own. He doesn’t care about anything except work. Even his own family jokingly tease him. It’s hard to write everything down without being identifiable as I have spoken about other things to family and friends. In general he just isn’t involved in my life or the kids. He’s very disengaged from life in general. He never speaks to us but on a work call he suddenly perks up. He makes people feel uncomfortable when they visit, like he doesn’t speak and is very cold and makes people feel they’re overstaying their welcome. He constantly slams doors and tells “fuck sake” all the time without any provocation. The upstairs door is on its last hinges.

OP posts:

SidekickSally · 20/08/2020 23:13

Yes, your husband’s attitude is off but it’s difficult to know why from your post.
For how long have you not been communicating properly? When did it start to break down? Have you discussed this with him before?
Lots of relationships are suffering at the moment although that’s no excuse for him to talk to you like that or to not talk unless pushed.
What have you posted about before?

Original poster

Verity35 · 20/08/2020 23:13

*yells not tells.

His personality is like a big spoilt teenage brat whose always slamming doors rather than having a conversation. I have really tried

OP posts:

SidekickSally · 20/08/2020 23:17

Does he know that this bothers you? That may sound obvious but maybe he’s got away with this non-engagement and non-communication for so long? Is the rest of the relationship with saving?

Original poster

Verity35 · 20/08/2020 23:23

@SidekickSally yes he knows his flaws he’s said lots of times he will change. In marriage counselling he said he knows he’s distant and cold with me and wants to change.

I think it’s a lot of things going on that he doesn’t want to discuss. We’ve been in separate beds for a long time. He makes no effort to come back into our room. There’s just no love or even friendship left. At least we could peacefully live in our home but any effort I made at conversing just ends up being a lead up to his usual door slamming and other things.

I was a very chatty person before I met him and now find myself withdrawing into myself.

Thank you all I think just writing it down has helped strangely! I know what the issues are and I need to stop looking at maybe there’s a simpler explanation. I know if I left him he would be alone as he has no friends and family relationship is very limited. He just has work and that’s it.

OP posts:

Vodkacranberryplease · 20/08/2020 23:35

Why don't you just ask him if he would prefer if you divorce? Or is it that you don't want to hear the answer?

I don't think I could live like that - but if you don't want to split then you need to pretend he doesn't exist. Arrange child care, so you can work if you don't already, and make new friends. Perhaps even go on some holidays - there's loads of singles ones and there tend not to be many men so a married single lady isn't a problem. Plus they are fun.

Leave the kids with him, or family and go. And go away just you snd the kids too. He's never going to be mr happy. You're not going to change that.

scubadive · 20/08/2020 23:35

@RandomMess

He doesn't like you...

Sounds like time to pull the plug.

This. Sorry but my ex spoke to me like this all the time.i was constantly upset, in tears and desperately trying to make the marriage work and get along. Sadly if one person behaves like this it is impossible to make the marriage work.

I would get out whilst you can, I stayed too long, lost my confidence, got depressed and then he left me.

altiara · 20/08/2020 23:38

You sound like you want to break up. You are allowed to, you don’t have to worry about him having no friends.
Sounds like he’s choosing his life and hasn’t made any effort to change, no matter what he said to the counsellor. Actions speak louder than words.
If you don’t want this life - you can leave him. Don’t lose yourself trying to please him

JulesCobb · 20/08/2020 23:40

That’s no life. Dont worry about leaving him to be alone, he clearly prefers his life alone. He will be fine.

What do you need to be fine?

Original poster

Verity35 · 20/08/2020 23:42

I do want to end this marriage but he will be alone. I know it’s not my problem really and he has contributed massively to where we are today. But I feel bad he won’t have anyone in his life. He won’t be able to cope.

OP posts:

Original poster

Verity35 · 20/08/2020 23:44

What do you need to be fine?

I just want someone who wants to talk to me about our kids and our family. I want someone to be interested in things that are not just about his work. I just want affection and love. I want to be cuddled and when I’m feeling low I want to know someone cares about how my day has been

OP posts:

Original poster

Verity35 · 20/08/2020 23:46

I just don’t want every conversation to lead to an argument. I want light hearted moments and just chat that doesn’t result in fighting. Literally everything ends in a fight.

OP posts:

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