Husband’s attitude - off or normal?

[Verity35]

We haven’t been getting along. Not sure if I previously posted under this username or anon account. Things are difficult and we have young kids to add to the mix.

I really have been trying with him for the sake of peace in the house. Last week his niece got her A’level results and I asked him and he was vague as he didn’t know anything. Today I told him my niece got her gcse results and he was “okay” I then added she got such and such again it’s was “okay”. I would usually get annoyed at this point but I stayed calm and asked him any more updates on his niece university and he told me the name and I was making conversation and asked why she chose that particular one. He went off into his usual sarcastic and patronising tone telling me I’m stupid don’t I know it’s one of the Russel group universities and it’s like 5th top one in UK! Things got heated which ended in him slamming the doors and going off in a strop to leave me yet again to deal with the kids on my own.

Any insight please? Im so sick of this.

It sounds like you have tried to make it work and you have had enough now understandably. This is no way to live. I don't feel you can stay in the marriage just because you are worried he will be alone.

Reading with interest - in the same boat!

[quote Verity35]@SidekickSally yes he knows his flaws he’s said lots of times he will change. In marriage counselling he said he knows he’s distant and cold with me and wants to change.

I think it’s a lot of things going on that he doesn’t want to discuss. We’ve been in separate beds for a long time. He makes no effort to come back into our room. There’s just no love or even friendship left. At least we could peacefully live in our home but any effort I made at conversing just ends up being a lead up to his usual door slamming and other things.

I was a very chatty person before I met him and now find myself withdrawing into myself.

Thank you all I think just writing it down has helped strangely! I know what the issues are and I need to stop looking at maybe there’s a simpler explanation. I know if I left him he would be alone as he has no friends and family relationship is very limited. He just has work and that’s it.[/quote]
Oh bless you. That sounds very hard. It sounds as though his personality isn't naturally sympathetic and understanding. You have tried couples counselling and he pays lip service to it without really grasping what he has to do - perhaps his personality won't allow that sort of change.

Were you given any advice yourself, and if you tried to act on it, how did it work out? It's not sounding very reciprocal from your account.

Do you think he can change? Do you think he can change even if he wants to? And how do you see your future if things go on as they are?
Do you think you could make a change to your circumstances that could make you happier? What about the children? Are they happy? What would make their lives happier?

Short of waving a magic wand, what do you think would improve things?

I hope you have someone to talk to. Someone better informed than me will be along in a while with a sympathetic helpline number.

Thank you all for your replies. I’m sorry some of you also going through this. @WagnersFourthSymphony I don’t think he can change. I think his personality is fixed. No matter how hard I try he won’t change. If kids were older maybe things would be different as I would have time and energy to Pursue a life outside of him. Lockdown didn’t help with having to cut baby groups and after school activities where I could chat to other mums and get my fix of somewhat of a connection. Thank you all, I’m going to try and get some sleep and face tomorrow! Thank you.

Can't imagine it's healthy for you or your kids to live with someone so emotionally detached from and disinterested in all of you.

"I do want to end this marriage but he will be alone. I know it’s not my problem really and he has contributed massively to where we are today. But I feel bad he won’t have anyone in his life. He won’t be able to cope."
Have you considered that maybe he doesn't want anyone In his life - and that he would therefore cope just fine if he gets what he wants? It wouldn't be what you want. It wouldn't be what I want, or what the vast majority of people would want - but it does seem possible to me that it might be what he wants. Even if he doesn't actively want it (as in, he hasn't thought about it) it could well be something he would be comfortable with. He has no friends. Limited family. Disengaged except with work. Maybe - consider that having nothing except work in his life is the right thing for his personality?

"I was a very chatty person before I met him and now find myself withdrawing into myself."
You need to get out of this marriage, sooner the better - it's affecting your mental health. It can't be much fun for your children either, daddy stropping around slamming doors. No matter how well you think you're shielding them, they will pick up on the atmosphere.

I think you need to stop thinking that because having no-one in your life would make you unhappy, then it must be that it would make him unhappy too. I think he would be quite at peace with the idea. So you can stop putting your life on hold in order to provide him with something that he probably doesn't want anyway.

@Verity35

What do you need to be fine?

I just want someone who wants to talk to me about our kids and our family. I want someone to be interested in things that are not just about his work. I just want affection and love. I want to be cuddled and when I’m feeling low I want to know someone cares about how my day has been

All perfectly reasonable! But not with him. That's not happening. So do you A) stay living the way you are without any of this or B) leave and find someone who is like this (and you will make sure of that before you commit)

As you know he won't change.

I'd wonder if he behaves like this because he's not happy but wants you to make the first move to end it. It's a really common strategy to provoke the other person til they've had enough. You don't have to live like this. Tell him you're not making each other happy & you think separating is the best idea then go from there.

And you’re willing to live your life without any of the things you’ve mentioned above just to protect him from not having anyone in his life? Your happiness is more important than protecting him from his lifestyle/personal choice of not engaging with anyone/anything but work

May be a trial separation would be the best solution?

It sounds a sad and lonely existence tbh.

@sst1234

OP you will only ever get one default answer on here, which is to leave him, regardless of what he’s done, what the backstory is, what else is going on that isn’t covered in your tweet like post.

What insight can anyone give based on such little information. What do you think is going on? Is there a backstory?

Er, well, because anyone with any self-esteem and an expectation of a happy life rightly won't tolerate being spoken to like that. It's hard to think of any "backstory" or "insight" which will justify this. Not sure why you're suggesting this is a bad thing? It's just never OK to be stuck with someone who treats you with contempt.

Life is just too short for this. You could try a kind of ultimatum but tbh I'd walk. You've made it clear you get no happiness from this any more. Why prolong the agony?

Yanbu.

He sounds like he's making your life miserable.

Have you ever asked him if he'd prefer to go separate ways?

Have you thought about how youd leave him?

OP you arent responsible for his happiness especially when he is taking yours away.
You are responsible for your DC though and it seems like a horrible atmosphere to live in. And the kids certainly know how he is.
Break yourself free from him and live a normal, happy life. He doesnt change because he knows you will be there to pick up everything for him.

This sounds exhausting, bit more than this it sounds incredibly lonely. Your self esteem must be on the floor and if it's not then we'll done, as if sounds relentless.

You sound like you have already separated but nobody has mentioned it, as he doesn't decide anything and you want a reconciliation that can't happen.

Cut your losses. He needs to be alone for a bit and may even be happier. You deserve somebody who makes you feel like the best version of yourself, who cares and is interested. If sounds like you could get more meaningful conversation from the cashier at Tesco's than you can draw from your husband...

His behaviour sounds quite abusive actually.

Belittling you in conversation, deliberately being rude and unwelcoming to your family/ friends that visit, passive aggressive slamming of doors and muttering Fucks sake to put you on edge.. it seems he's deliberately hurting you in subtle ways.

You should never feel like you're walking on eggshells with a partner or trying to pacify them all the time. None of this is your fault, you sound very unhappy

You say you're worried about him being alone OP but you cannot continue sacrificing your own happiness for someone else's. Particularly someone who appears to care very little for you.

It's not healthy for the children to see this kind of relationship being modelled either.

I think you should start to make a plan to leave. It doesn't have to be in the next week or month, you can make a longer plan. Think about where you would live, what childcare would look like, look on direct.gov to see what you'd be entitled to & make copies of financial documents such as mortgage statements and pensions.

It sounds lonely and miserable. You'll be so much happier not pandering to his moods.

He won't be alone. He has work friends. Family. He will have the dc some of the time.

Sounds like he finds you an annoyance and everything you say grates on him. People in happy relationships converse with each other and show interest in what each has to say, and it just sounds like he just can’t be arsed to engage with you. But sounds like he has been similar since you got with him. The current Covid situation does raise your intolerance levels I think.

Would you prefer he wasn't around? If he said he was going away for work for a month tomorrow, would you feel unhappy or relieved?

You do sound a bit guilty when you say that if you separate, he will be largely alone but with a personality like his, perhaps he will really like that? Sounds horrid to you but he might be just a bit of a misanthrope. In leaving him, you could well find you are both miles happier. You sound so sad and when you write what you want out of life, it really isn't unreasonable at all. I do so hope you find what you are looking for .

OP, I know people are responsible for their own wellbeing etc.. But he is your DH. Is he stressed with his work /lockdown/something else?
Does he have any time just for himself/hobby?
It might be he is feeling overwhelmed.

Alternatively he is just a jerk and you should ditch him. Nobody knows the answer but you

I think if it was just a habit and he was poor at communicating then maybe he could change. But it sounds more like his personality and he has always been this way. If he doesnt care about anyone or anything then of course making conversation about it is going to irritate him. I don't think he is going to be able to fake it, not to the extent that you want. He might be able to stop the shouting and door slamming as they are habits but I don't think you are going to get much engagement as its difficult to fake interest in anything over am extended period of time.

Surely his nieces are your nieces and vice versa. After the 1st cold shoulder you could've called or text and asked the niece. Is your family really that divided ?

This marriage sounds dead in the water. It's pretty clear from what you've said that any changes he could/would make will be fairly minimal.

You have to ask yourself if you're prepared just to exist for the rest of your life or if you want to actually live. If its the latter, you'll be better off without him.

@Monday55 I think the OP was trying to engage her DH in conversation rather than trying to elicit information from him!