Husband’s attitude - off or normal?

[Verity35]

We haven’t been getting along. Not sure if I previously posted under this username or anon account. Things are difficult and we have young kids to add to the mix.

I really have been trying with him for the sake of peace in the house. Last week his niece got her A’level results and I asked him and he was vague as he didn’t know anything. Today I told him my niece got her gcse results and he was “okay” I then added she got such and such again it’s was “okay”. I would usually get annoyed at this point but I stayed calm and asked him any more updates on his niece university and he told me the name and I was making conversation and asked why she chose that particular one. He went off into his usual sarcastic and patronising tone telling me I’m stupid don’t I know it’s one of the Russel group universities and it’s like 5th top one in UK! Things got heated which ended in him slamming the doors and going off in a strop to leave me yet again to deal with the kids on my own.

Any insight please? Im so sick of this.

He doesn't even seem to like you very much

I’ve tried again to engage him in conversation today. He’s back at work so when he came back today I asked him how work was, and it was just one word response. I tried to further engage and asked about any update information to promotions (they were due to find out before COVID hit so everything put on hold). He again had a meltdown doing his smirky annoying face patronising me that a “fucking pandemic has happened, don’t you know the situation”. I explained I was just trying to make conversation. I told him all he needs to do for a nice atmosphere is just to respond nicely and not in the way he does. All he had to say was there’s no updates yet which I would obviously expect to hear considering. He stormed off saying “it’s my fucking house I don’t have to be nice in my own fucking house”. When he came downstairs I asked him calmly if someone at work asked a stupid question how would he respond to them he replied “I’d tell them to fuck off!”. This was all infront of the kids btw.

I’m at my wits end. Do I just carry on the rest of the time I am with him in just total silence. It’s no point ever asking how he is or how his journey was or how anything is as it’s just one word answers. Anything not related to these 3 questions just ends in him telling me how stupid I am.

@hopelessbusiness yes you guessed right I was trying to engage him in conversation not to try and get information about his niece from him as @Monday55 suggested.

I just find no topic that’s safe with him. He’s muttering away under his breath now “fuck off, fuck off”.

This is not normal. Completely unacceptable for him to speak to you like that. OP this is not a sustainable situation. You can’t bring your children up in an environment like this.

My advice for now would be to stop trying for a bit. Be a bit frosty and off with him and see what happens. If you withdraw he might actually make more effort because he sounds like he is taking advantage of your nice nature at the moment.

@Verity35

I do want to end this marriage but he will be alone. I know it’s not my problem really and he has contributed massively to where we are today. But I feel bad he won’t have anyone in his life. He won’t be able to cope.

Stop caring. He doesn't.

Make plans now. Get your paperwork sorted.

See a solicitor. Then tell him you're divorcing him.

He just went outside to get in the car whilst shouting “Fuck off” at the top of his voice. I’m so embarrassed the neighbours must have heard. He got back inside the house saying I can’t chase him away from his own house and has gone upstairs slamming the upstairs door again. I’m trying really calmly not to break down infront of my kids. I’m telling them I’m checking my emails then we’re off to bed.

I really hate him. I can’t leave yet. I have no family support and due to start a new job in 2 weeks. My MIL will look after youngest whilst I work. I literally cannot have the stress of eldest going back to school, finding childcare for youngest and starting my new job. I have to live like this until I can financially support myself. Sorry for writing an essay!

He's treating you like rubbish because he's getting away with it and he knows you won't leave. He's seeing how far he can take it.
I'm currently in a similar situation however I can't afford to leave and I can't afford to kick him out.
I dream about how happy I'd be living here with my DC without him. I feel really sad for my DC who like me, walk on eggshells.
Today he drove us to my Mum and Dad's. Was so embarrassed and felt so sad when my poorly father tried to chat to him but he ignored him and stood looking like he'd rather be anywhere else.
No advice really, just wanted to empathise.

If you left you would be entitled to benefits.

Do you rent or own the house?

I really hate him. I can’t leave yet. I have no family support and due to start a new job in 2 weeks.

Disengage. Accept it's over and don't bother with small talk. You just have to be civil to him while you're living in the same house, that's all - don't engage him in conversation. Pretend as much as you can that he doesn't exist.

It may be a long-term plan to leaving but you can do it one step at a time. It's great that you're starting a new job as that will increase your independence and your options. Once you're settled into that, you can think about childcare options for youngest and how you could make things work.

Apologies if you've mentioned this, but what's your (joint) financial situation like? Worth thinking about what your share of the assets would be to house yourself and DC. Even if you can't leave yet, you can use this time to start getting your ducks in a row if you decide that's the ultimate goal.

You don't have to leave right this second. Just don't speak to him and avoid being around him.

Get your paperwork together (50/50 split of assets including pension) and copies of everything. Gather together anything really important like photos and personal mementos. Book an appointment with a good solicitor (talk to several till you get the right one).

Then when the kids are bank and it's good timing take 50% of whatever's in the bank accounts (because it's yours) and go.

I doubt he's moving out. You could try but that just gives him time to move money away and make your life miserable. See what the solicitor says though.

You have time, you've put up with it for this long. But stop talking to him. He hates you and you'll get no sense from him. Plus he's clearly got a screw loose.

Oh s as if I was going to say get anything small that means anything to you out of the house. He sounds like the type that will destroy anything you value out of spite.

OP, i really feel for you because i was in a very similar situation to you in that my DH wasn't bothered much about the kids and almost never about me and it was always me who would look after feed entertain the kids. He would hardly say 2 words to me but then talk non-stop with his buddies. It was a very lonely situation and i felt so alone but for the longest time, i felt i was doing something wrong to not deserve his love and attention so kept trying to change myself. Like you, i was a cheerful person who loved joking around but i couldn't do that with him because he woul take it personally. Ultimately , after 12years of marriage and 3 kids, i left. It wasnt an easy decision and i was dithering for years about it.
I am now with a lovely man who cares n9t only about me but also my kids but it was tough after i left as i had them with me and the constant worries of money and even now , i do get fear about lack of security.

My advice to you is really think about it and break it down- what will your life look likr if you stay vs if you go. Factor your kids and the consequences to them too.
Make a pros and cons list.
And truly dig down deep and ask yourself what you truly want.
Good luck 💜💜💜

We own the house. Financial situation is we have separate bank accounts. When I worked I’d put a set amount into his account for payment towards mortgage and bills. Haven’t worked since youngest was born so been very reliant on him since. Thank you all, I know I can’t live like this anymore.

Thanks @Mayla. Good to hear your story. It gives me hope that things will be better one day.

@Spied sorry to hear you in similar situation. I know what you mean. Have you given any thoughts to what you want to do long term?

Wow, having read your updates from yesterday OP I don't think there is any way out of this apart from separating.

I was going to suggest you ask for a temporary separation but I think he sounds unhinged and I wouldn't want it to escalate so I think you should do what others have suggested: withdraw from the relationship, don't try any more, accept it is over. You have tried.
In secret get your life in order, all your paperwork ready, speak to a few solicitors if you can do so privately then try to work out how and where you can go with the DC for a separation whilst you file for divorce. You can do most of this whilst he's back at work and a fair bit of it before you start your new job.

Quite frankly, he sounds clinically bonkers. Was he ever more normal? (e.g. when you got married?)

Note: am not saying everyone with a mental illness will act like an abusive bastards. But sometimes it can contribute. E.g. this particular abusive bastards seems to have serious anger management issues. Some men express depression through anger outburst and emotional disengagement. That doesn't mean you should put up with that crap, but looklooking at the situation through a mental health perspective may help you make sense of things.

Yes he sounds quite unstable. Yelling like that in the street. Originally I suggested talking to him but I don't think that's a good idea.

Act like everything is ok, gather up what you need behind the scenes and engage as little as possible. Make sure the timing is right and check with a solicitor what you can legally do, what assets you can take when you go etc.

Just make a plan for now. You don’t need to end the relationship right now but start thinking about what life would be like if you had a peaceful home without him in it swearing at you and treating you with contempt. Then plan for settling into your job, sorting out childcare, getting hold of all financial documents and so on. Don’t tell him you’re doing any of this. One step at a time.

This may sound like too obvious a question, but do you think there is someone else? I ask because starting fights as an excuse to 'storm out' to somewhere is a classic M.O of that.

This is someobe who appears to have opted out of your family.

I'm sorry.

I think the best you can do is part - get some decent legal advice. Isn't it the case the family home usually goes to main caregiver and the kids?

I was thr product of such. Marriage. My mum stayed. As an adult my relationship with my father is full of unreleased anger at his utter disinterest about us as kids.
Like your husband interested in work only, and was always animated when it suited him.... But a shit when dealing with his family

I’ve just come out of a very similar situation, although we weren’t married. We were together a year before having a baby and he then went through a year of “depression” because I was giving the baby (who was unwell) more attention than him (apparently) and this was followed by 5 years of similar behaviour to your OH, but included an addiction to his phone. I couldn’t get a polite word out of him. He’d come home from work and sit in another room staring at his phone for literally hours and every time I tried to make conversation he’d just snap at me. I stayed for the sake of keeping our kids together (his child from previous relationship and our baby) but ultimately I caught him out lying and cheating, and I do wonder if he was cheating all along. I too used to be a very chatty person with a lot of friends and hobbies, but ended up very introverted and feeling unloved. Still trying to find my feet now, but very glad it’s over. The kids and I were constantly treading on eggshells around him and, like you, every attempt at conversation ended in an argument.

@Vodkacranberryplease makes sense.

Follow her recommendations. Bide your time, look into everything you'd be entitled to and get ready.

Then see a solicitor. Then go.

OP I think you need to accept you can't make him engage with you so stop trying and disengage from him. You don't need to be rude or mean like he's being but just don't bother anymore. Start making plans to leave, find somewhere to rent, work out how much you're entitled to claim and get those children out of that atmosphere (you too!).

You know you can't coax him into being more chatty and friendly and pleasant

You know the marriage isn't working

You know the atmosphere isn't good for the children

So you know what to do

Stop engaging with him in any way

Sort out the financials and find a solicitor

End the marriage and start your life