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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to go back to work - Foody Wednesdays!

70 replies

Tan98 · 20/08/2020 20:27

I already know IABU but I am getting so stressed out over it.

Backstory: Not long before lockdown, I got a new job which I enjoy and the people are all nice (I have been WFH since then). I enjoyed going in each day - apart from Wednesdays!

Every Wednesday they have a foody day where people take in turns to cook something and everyone sits together and eats it - a great idea and everyone seems to love it, apart from me!

I have issues with food. I am overweight and eating is not fun and it is not straight forward - I have to count calories and weigh things as I do low carb.

When I was there they kept asking why I wasn't eating and I would lie and say I've just had something but on Wednesdays I can't do this. I can't say I have an allergy as there are people with allergies and a vegan who they cater for. I also feel like some of them are a bit offended that I'm not eating their food like it is because of them I'm not eating it.

I have not slept properly for days and I have been getting upset over silly things all because I am worried about it and want to not go back especially on Wednesdays. I have spent lockdown trying to lose weight but I haven't so I know I won't lose anything in the next 2 weeks either.

Today was the final straw as I contemplated driving off the side of the road to crash my car and hope that I break a bone so I can't go in - the only thing that stopped me was thinking that I'm not starting for another 2 weeks so my bone would be healing and I would have to go in anyway!

Please if anyone has any advice/experience I would greatly appreciate it!

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 20/08/2020 20:35

Bless you! What a horrible situation for you. Is there a manager type person you'd feel comfortable talking to? You could explain that you have serious anxieties around eating and need to opt out of Wednesdays. Perhaps you could go for a walk, eat your lunch in the car, or another room?

rainkeepsfallingdown · 20/08/2020 20:38

Do you have a trusted colleague or line manager you can approach to get everyone else to back off? If one of my direct reports came to me with your concerns, I would deal with this for you.

Alternatively, what about a fib along the lines of you're doing a really complicated elimination diet with your doctor to chase down some intolerances/allergies, so it's difficult for you to eat other people's food? It's plausible, and it means that things that need to be catered for change all the time (unlike withe allergies), making you suitably complex enough to sit out the cook off.

Pittapitta · 20/08/2020 20:39

Can you just say you’re on a diet? People understand that!

WhereTheCrawdadsSing · 20/08/2020 20:41

Sorry to hear this op!

Could you tell them you have been put on a special, low carb, low calorie diet and that you couldn't expect them to cater for you as it is too specific? It isn't untrue. You have been put on a special diet, even if it was you who put yourself on it.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 20/08/2020 20:41

Yuk - they're still doing it post covid?

I'd just say that I'd decided to lose weight because of covid risks, rubbish at "in moderation" as the food is so lovely, but so don't want to participate.

Sparklesocks · 20/08/2020 20:42

Could you say something like ‘sorry guys I’m on a specific diet so I can’t join unfortunately, but it sounds lovely!’ etc. Or if there are specific organisers can you just let them know? You don’t have to make it a big issue, just explain it breezily like it’s not a big deal and people should follow your lead.

Original poster
Tan98 · 20/08/2020 20:46

I'm worried about saying about going on a diet as they will wonder why I'm not losing weight - or I'll be paranoid that that's what they're thinking!

I was thinking about saying the doctor has told me to cut out certain foods but then I'm worried they'll ask questions and then try and cater to it or feel guilty that they are eating and I can't or something.

OP posts:
AtleastitsnotMonday · 20/08/2020 20:47

I get this. I’ve had anorexia and really struggled eating things I’ve not prepared. The best thing to do is just fess up. Explain why you don’t want to eat with them, they will appreciate your honesty and will likely invite you to join them for a drink or to eat your own food. The thing that makes the situation most difficult is when there is obviously a problem but it isn’t discussed.

ShyTown · 20/08/2020 20:47

You might be worrying over nothing. I can’t imagine the potluck Wednesday will be reinstated anytime soon because of COVID. If it is (yuk!), you could use that as an excuse to decline maybe and I doubt you’ll be the only one to do so. Or just tell them the truth and say you’re on a specific diet so will sort yourself out - no one will mind and it doesn’t need to be a big deal.

And please take care of yourself- an office potluck is not worth hurting yourself over.

Original poster
Tan98 · 20/08/2020 20:48

It is also kind of organised by everyone they have done it for years and it just rotates what Wednesdays people do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tan98 · 20/08/2020 20:51

Thank you for everyones comments.

I find it hard to talk to people about this kind of thing because it is embarrassing but also because many people don't understand unless they've been over/underweight themselves.

OP posts:
Dancingdeer77 · 20/08/2020 20:51

I do really think honestly is the best policy, you don’t have to give your life history. I would never judge someone who said “I’m struggling with my weight at the moment so eating in public is a bit of a difficult thing for me”. I really think people would be kind and understanding. You can’t go on fantasising about crashing! It’s clearly effecting you.

Original poster
Tan98 · 20/08/2020 20:52

I didn't think about them not doing it because of COVID. It used to be brought in and warmed up and then everyone helps themselves before eating it in their own seat so it might still be on.

OP posts:
Dancingdeer77 · 20/08/2020 20:53

On the topic of whether people have been under or overweight themselves they won’t understand- I think people will try to and also you just don’t know who has had issues with food. I’m a very ordinary weight now, eat very normal foods but suffered badly with anorexia in my early 20s. You would never know unless I told you. Don’t assume everyone else is and always has been fine. There could well be people who understand better than you think.

Tronkmanton · 20/08/2020 20:55

We (pre COVID) had these at work, although monthly rather than weekly. On several occasions it occurred when I was on a diet & wanted to eat my own food. I just said exactly that- I’m on a diet & want to eat my own food, it was no problem. I even took my turn and cooked a big chilli and ate none of it as it didn’t fit in with my diet plan. Honestly no one cares! It just takes will power not to tuck in with them!!

Nectarines · 20/08/2020 20:56

Be honest. They will understand and then you won’t have the pressure of maintaining a cover story. ‘I have a few issues with food’ or ‘I’d love to join in but I can’t at the moment’ would suffice. No need for more detail than that.

Original poster
Tan98 · 20/08/2020 21:10

I didn't think that other people may be struggling with food. But I know when I've brought it up in the past with other people they say things like if you want to lose weight you should just eat less, or you're not eating enough or that it's unhealthy to diet etc and I know they are just trying to be nice but I find it difficult to explain.

But maybe I am just making a bigger deal out of it than it needs to be and I should just be honest.

OP posts:
ChikiTIKI · 20/08/2020 21:17

I don't think it will happen at least at first because of covid. Right before lockdown everything like that, buffet, bake sales etc got banned at my work. But people won't be back in the office at my work before April so don't know if that makes any difference.

I can see how stressful this would be for you. Or anyone that doesn't want to join in. It sounds like it's sort of forced on you. I am not sure I would like it either.

If I were you, I would take my own food the first Wednesday and if they do their food thing say oh sorry, I assumed we wouldn't do it because of covid. And then think of another excuse later/whenever it starts up again.

I'm not very good at this kind of this sorry I probably shouldn't have replied. I feel for you though. Forced fun and forced food is not great...

Bluewavescrashing · 20/08/2020 21:19

Just smile and say no thanks, I have a health issue. If they continue to push you, smile and repeat, I have a health issue. None of their business why you choose not to partake and it sounds the opposite to 'covid safe' to be sharing food anyway.

Original poster
Tan98 · 20/08/2020 21:21

If I were you, I would take my own food the first Wednesday and if they do their food thing say oh sorry, I assumed we wouldn't do it because of covid.

This is a really good idea.
I could then say something like I think I will just bring my own food in as it's less hassle but then if they keep pressing i'll have to tell them about my issues or that I can't eat certain things.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tan98 · 20/08/2020 21:22

Yes that is true I am really hoping they don't do it because of COVID and I might say oh is that safe if they mention it.

OP posts:
DameFanny · 20/08/2020 21:28

What really strongly comes across OP is that you don't have confidence in owning your choices - whether to eat or not, what you're 'allowed' to eat, whether you're 'allowed' to talk about it...

Have you had any counselling? I really think that before you do any more dieting you need to start believing in yourself. And you say you haven't lost weight anyway, so why not ditch the extra expense of a low carb diet and spend some money on a counsellor instead?

Being slim won't make you happy. But being content might help you lose weight.

Mamette · 20/08/2020 21:30

Bring your own food always, and say you have special dietary requirements, which is true anyway.

It’s none of anyone’s business, but for your own info look up the FODMAP diet for IBS. I’m not saying you have IBS, but it’s an example of a really restrictive diet that lots of people do for a condition they don’t necessarily want to chat about in work.

“I’m on a restricted diet, sorry” - that’s all you have to say. It’s entirely up to you what you put in your mouth.

Yesmate · 20/08/2020 21:31

Sounds horrendous! I wouldn’t do it diet or not. Send an email to the group and say you won’t be getting involved because you can’t afford it, trying to lose weight, think it’s ridiculous.
Don’t be drawn in to a discussion. Short and simple.

YourObedientServant · 20/08/2020 21:31

Oh bless you! Sounds like you're really worried. If I were you I'd be

Truthful - no complicated excuses or things that might lead to more questions. Covid/low carb etc is fine but those things will come to an end or they might think of ways around them.

Vague - you do not need to share any more than you are comfortable with.

Positive - reassure them that it's not personal, you like the idea etc, it's just not for you.

Alternatively to addressing the group, is there a manager you can confide who would smooth it over for you?

I'm all for office bonding type things but they should be entirely voluntary! There is a Wednesday baking rota at my work and although lots of people take part, lots of people don't, and people can leave the rota with no hard feelings or questions asked.

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