People that always try to get dirt on you!

[Annon522]

Hi I’m stating a new job soon and need tips on how to stop revealing too much info about myself. I have a habit of telling people too much as they probe and I respond as I don’t want to be rude. I’m my last job everyone knew everything about me, and it’s not like a lead and amazing life or anything exciting but I find certain characters always trying to dig for information/dirt to use against you. I was very naive in my last job and big part of why I left as I felt bullied by people as they would use things against me. E.g. husbands job, where we live, holidays we take etc.

How can I respond if I get the same type of people in this workplace? I don’t want anyone knowing too much about my business.

I don’t really understand what you mean about using information against you?
If for example you are going on holiday to somewhere you like that you can afford what does it matter what other people think?

On a previous job I was like that. I was working in a small office and everyone there knew everyone's life, every single detail and I felt the need to share when asked certain questions about my life etc to fit in. Unfortunately it was used against me! I don't know what to suggest as when you do the poker face and not share you don't fit in and it makes it difficult to spend hours of your day working with these people but when you do share just to form a good colleague relationship, they bitch behind your back. I'm interested to find out if anyone has suggestions. Without sharing too much detail, how would you go by without being the office freak? Or how do you avoid being bullied?

You need to decide on some deflecting comments and practice using them. Confuse the issue by going off on a tangent immediately afterwards. Eg, 'oh, we haven't decided on anything special this year and anyway we might wait for things to get back to normal blah blah' for holiday plans. Think of general answers eg 'we live over towards xx way' or 'he works in finance' that is the level of detail people usually mean. Anyone being too pushy should send up a red flag in your mind. Remember that you are not being questioned under bright lights, you don't have to answer!

@growinggreyer and @takenbywine thank you! I was worried i would have to explain further but you two get it so thanks for the tips x

@Fairyliz - it took me nearly 7 years to understand how nasty and bitchy people can be in the workplace. I would very eagerly tell them stuff thinking it was banter but when I left I realised how much shit stirring was going on as I have a friend in another department. I didn’t realise certain people were storing little details about me to use against me. I don’t remember what anyone says to me as I have a full life but these nasty vindictive people used anything I said against me.

Push the questioning back on them.
Example:
Nosey bugger: "Where did you work before?"
You: "In Fulham. Have you always worked here?
Nosey bugger: No, where, which place?
You: Yes, I like it here. The people seem easy to work with yet very professional. Good mix".
They'll lose interest when you derail the questioning usually.
On the odd occasion when they don't and persist; just give them a hard stare.
Always finish with a question like:
Why do you want to know?
Or my favourite: Are you doing some research? because it is assertive and sends a 'don't mess with me', message.

@takenbywine I know that’s what I’m dreading - being known as office freak lol! I can imagine myself doing a U TURN and running off everytime I get asked personal questions! I was so open and naive in my last job I had no idea how people’s wicked brains work. You have to be a really sad person to remember so many details of someone’s life and use it against them. I wish I could give examples so you would see what these people were like. Maybe I will when I’m feeling a bit braver!

@pallasathena thank you! That’s hood lines I’m going to use them. I’m feeling a bit self conscious as I’ve put weight in during lockdown so being assertive is going to be hard. I’m going to write a list of comebacks or side tracking. I just really don’t want to be bullied like my last place. As soon as this woman in particular realised what job my DH does and where we go on holiday it’s like she developed an agenda!

*good not hoid! Sorry for typos

You need to learn bland answers and then turn the questions on them. So:

Colleague: Where are you going on holiday? You: oh not sure really, haven’t done much thinking about it yet. How about you? Have you managed to get away this year? Any plans for the rest of the year?

Colleague: oh yes we went to France before lockdown and managed to get a trip to Greece in July. Hopefully going to Asia when all this is over! Did you manage any big trips away last year?
You: no not really, just a couple of small breaks. Your trips sound lovely! How was Greece? And tell me more about your Asia plans!

Colleague: did you say you had a husband? Where does he work? Tell us more about him!
You: oh yes, he works in marketing. Not too much else to say really, just a typical bloke! Are you married? What does your husband do? How long have you been married etc etc?

@Annon522*

P.s. I’ve known people like this so I know exactly what you mean!

I also don’t understand this and don’t think it’s common. How can folks use where you holiday, your husbands job etc against you?

It's exhausting isn't it? They must be very sad people to use this stuff against you. Jealous and threatened i expect and hoping to inch up the greasy pole.
If i won the lottery i would never work with people again!

Blunt - I guess people would say that OP doesn't need the money, doesn't need x as a bonus, doesn't need the job so is not as committed as y...

It does happen!

@Bluntness100 - comments behind my back like “she hardly needs to work her husband earns a lot of money” (by me just telling them what job he does, no mention of salarly just the job he does!)

“She was going on and on about going on a luxury holiday again, such a show off. Some people can’t afford food but she’s off again” (my friend told me they were saying this. I told the department our plans for Xmas and New Years when they asked).

“Why would you buy such an expensive pram for a baby” (they asked what things we already have bought before I went on maternity)

Millions of other examples! But you get the jist they ask questions, I respond but they find double meaning and nastiness about it all. I don’t want to reveal too much in next job. As people have suggested when they ask personal questions I’ll just give very vague responses! It’s hard though as I want to be friendly.

If I was chatting to someone about such innocuous things as holidays and they "replied" in the frankly bizarre way proposed by some on this thread I would think them very odd, (metaphorically) back away slowly and think twice about further conversation. So I guess in that sense it would be effective...

Ah ok a jealousy thing then?

I don’t know if it’s pure jealousy. As other things I said were used against me. Like really small tiny things like I said “oh I’d love cheese n onion sandwiches” But there was only ham or just cheese. One woman told the tea room lady I was slagging off the sandwiches she made!

I think I need to be very careful about saying anything that could get misinterpreted. I think I need to just be less chatty and just keep to myself for few weeks till I diss out the trouble makers and the nice ones.

*suss out

Give vague anders and turn it to ask qs about them

It sounds like really innocuous stuff was turned against you in that last place so I’m not sure you could’ve said anything really? That’s not a normal workplace.

The best advice is to talk about bland, simple stuff and if you feel it’s getting too personal say things like ‘oh my holiday/house/husband stuff is really dull! I won’t bore you with it...Anyway did you have a good weekend/did you watch X tv show/Did you hear if that meeting got set up in the end’

I know exactly what you mean OP but I only got that in one of the three offices I worked in. I stayed there for 3 months because of how bitchy and horrible it was and told the management everything that had gone off (even if I wasn’t even involved) because it was such a toxic place to work with a high staff turnover and they were genuinely shocked. The other two offices were lovely so your new job isn’t guaranteed to be as horrible as your previous job.

Thank you for responses everyone. It was such a bad experience that I’m not returning after maternity. I have to pay all my maternity back but I just don’t care as I can’t step foot in that place anymore. I know they’ll be saying stuff about having to pay maternity won’t be a big issue to me but honestly it is. I don’t know what kind of life they believe I lead but I do have to work to pay bills and mortgage and other stuff. I wouldn’t be leaving my baby to go to work if I was as rich as they think I am lol! I actually feel like texting the ring leader and telling her everyone has their own struggles and my life is not as perfect as she thinks it is.

My friends and family have told me I’m stupid for not returning to work for a few months just to keep my maternity pay. But I honestly can’t go back I get anxious thinking of seeing them. I hope my new place will be everything this place wasn’t.

Had this several times. In two I made up lies. Not out of badness but my ex was beating me, stealing my money, drinking. It was pointless they all knew. One PA asked me outright. Another I was close with i told later she wasn't surprised. 3rd job after leaving him I was just quiet in work but then I was unpopular. This was a long time ago now everything is good.

Best to keep it light and casual, friendly but not friends. Treat them like a nice acquaintance. It's OK and proper to cut a convo off by saying oh I dont discuss finances. They'll get hints about your life but they will respect you more if you don't appear a showoff.