People that always try to get dirt on you!

[Annon522]

Hi I’m stating a new job soon and need tips on how to stop revealing too much info about myself. I have a habit of telling people too much as they probe and I respond as I don’t want to be rude. I’m my last job everyone knew everything about me, and it’s not like a lead and amazing life or anything exciting but I find certain characters always trying to dig for information/dirt to use against you. I was very naive in my last job and big part of why I left as I felt bullied by people as they would use things against me. E.g. husbands job, where we live, holidays we take etc.

How can I respond if I get the same type of people in this workplace? I don’t want anyone knowing too much about my business.

I agree with @Snog this thread is about how to stop being bullied and how not to let pushy people get to know things about you that they will use against you. The ones being dismissive you obviously have strong boundaries in place that people haven’t Been tested but for the rest of us we struggle. 100% agree some people can gossip about any little detail you give them. @dwiz8 you do need to be sensitive it’s not paranoid rambles.

I think you get to know who the office gossips are few months into a job. Also they tend to target more than one person. You won’t always see this as it’s done in a very low key manner. Be distant for a few months and get to know people. If they gossip toy you about others then realise they will ALSO gossip about YOU to others too. Stay away from these people. They like causing drama and get satisfaction by stirring up trouble where there is none such as the sandwich incident can be so easily done! Don’t say anything around these people at all.

I think your confusing being transparent about really innocuous things, like your husbands occupation with people who will always be bitchy about anything you say. If they are picking up on an innocent 'sandwich' remark, and causing trouble, then basically you will end up saying nothing.

I think, as you say, keep a low profile until you can suss out the troublemakers and then just not speak to them other than work related issues.

'I have to pay all my maternity back but I just don’t care as I can’t step foot in that place anymore'.

Are you in the UK Annon522? Because btw if you are you shouldn't have to pay back 'all' your maternity pay - you are entitled to the statutory pay at least.

I am prone to oversharing too...i think it's common among those of us who like to see the good in people.
As i get older i realise that even if people aren't malicious they love to gossip so best keep schtum.
In the workplace most people want to advance their careers so it's game on.

I know exactly what you mean OP. I used to be like this. All I can say is that it got better with age... I gradually learned from my mistakes and eventually got to the point where I could have a nice chat with pretty much any colleague but am very easily able to boldly push back on the first sign of them overstepping, simply by raising an eyebrow and saying something like "i don't think that question is appropriate in the office, is it?".

I don't know if it came from my experience or simply from the fact that people tend not to try and probe as much into older people's lives, because they know they can't get away with it because older people aren't easy to manipulate and don't stand for bullshit. Maybe it was a bit of both.

Sorry, I've given no helpful advice whatsoever... good luck!

I really want to believe this doesn't happen but remember the boss who wouldn't entertain the idea of a pay rise for me, despite me being underpaid within a role I worked hard in and was good at, simply because she knew my then husband was a director somewhere else. I left.

[quote Snog]**@dwiz8 this is a thread about how to avoid being bullied at work, please be sensitive to that[/quote]
Do you honestly think deflecting every question ever asked at work will stop potential bullies? It will just make you a person people will totally avoid and you won't be included in work nights out etc.

@dwiz8 is right. It's bizarre to think every person in the workplace asking normal questions is really trying to get 'dirt' on you. When I meet a new colleague I might ask where they are from or what they did before, this is how people get to know each other.

One pp suggested this made a person nosey. Ffs do they just sit in complete silence at work or just talk about the weather all day?

It might have turned into that but the original question is still paranoid BS

It’s not paranoid bullshit.

I give away as little about my personal life as I can when I’m at work.
I play down everything. I work with colleagues who are nowhere near as financially comfortable as I am for example. I work because I want to not because I have to. If there was overtime going, who do you think they’d go to first? A person who they know could do with the extra money or the one they know has no financial worries.

comments behind my back like “she hardly needs to work her husband earns a lot of money” (by me just telling them what job he does, no mention of salarly just the job he does!)

you need to learn to stay vague, it really is not that difficult.

Where do you go on holiday? Spain. Strictly no need to explain it was a luxury upmarket resort with all the trimmings. At most, it's a HOTEL.

Husband's job? He's a doctor, works for the NHS/ works for a bank. Strictly no need to explain he's a very successful cosmetic surgeon in Harley Street or the CEO of a blue chip big one.

Your home? small house that needs work. Strictly no need to bang on having an 8 bedroom detached in the expensive part of town...

No need to bang on about brands and details, even blatantly lie if you must say you bought 2nd hand on ebay. Who cares if it's not true!

Of course you'll attract hatred if you do ,just look at MN! People can't mention a measly staycation in a small rental or a supermarket shop without being accused of showing off, bragging and being unreasonable! Some of these people will be your work colleagues