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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

People that always try to get dirt on you!

60 replies

Annon522 · 20/08/2020 16:57

Hi I’m stating a new job soon and need tips on how to stop revealing too much info about myself. I have a habit of telling people too much as they probe and I respond as I don’t want to be rude. I’m my last job everyone knew everything about me, and it’s not like a lead and amazing life or anything exciting but I find certain characters always trying to dig for information/dirt to use against you. I was very naive in my last job and big part of why I left as I felt bullied by people as they would use things against me. E.g. husbands job, where we live, holidays we take etc.

How can I respond if I get the same type of people in this workplace? I don’t want anyone knowing too much about my business.

OP posts:

dwiz8 · 20/08/2020 18:49

Unless you work for GCHQ why do you care about people knowing your husbands job or where you go on holiday

How can people use that information 'against you'

You seem very paranoid tbh

Imworthit · 20/08/2020 18:55

Only as its relevant my ex family were millionaires. They respected me more by finding this out from a third party.

Curious what type of work do you do? In professional jobs it's perfectly acceptable to say look I just want to keep this professional.

Dont do back its not worth it but try to realise when people are bitches it's a reflection on them not you and you won't be the only person that notices they are dicks.

AdoptAdaptImprove · 20/08/2020 19:00

You’ve had some good advice here - say just enough, vaguely, that they don’t think you’re being weirdly evasive, and immediately follow up with a question. People love nothing more than talking about themselves.

BranchAndPoppy · 20/08/2020 19:01

Yeah, sounds like they envied your relative wealth. That's really common. Never overshare on anything like holiday destination or house size etc. It's horrible they were so unpleasant about it, but this is a lesson you need to learn about being wealthier than everyone else in your workplace. You have to be a lot more modest than honest and open. Either that or go to town and make shit up. Oh yeah, I've just had a helipad put down in the back garden...oh no, not the one by the pool, the other one, the garden fourth from the left as you go past the tennis court...

Snog · 20/08/2020 19:02

Some offices are full of nasty bitchiness. I have seen this before. I agree to keep things less specific, you don't have to share lots of detail just because someone asks for it, but with some people they just want to find someone they can be horrible to.

Best to be assertive to minimise this happening to you OP. If the environment is really toxic I genuinely think that leaving is the best thing to do.

takenbywine · 20/08/2020 19:19

@Annon522 when they ask questions in detail you think they are being friendly and nice but in reality it's the opposite. I actually quit my job because of the subtle bullying and bitching. I remember I used to get scared to go to the toilet so they didn't talk about me because anyone who left to use the toilets, they always bitched behind that persons back.

PinkDaff · 20/08/2020 19:20

I'm really interested in this as unfortunately, I have been victim of all to many office bullies. I've tried not revealing anything, but then I'm bullied for being too quiet and shit has been made up about me to " full the gaps". Or, I've tried just being myself and things are used against me then, often resulting in a campaign of hate. Infact, things have got so bad that I'm not even working right now and suffering from severe anxiety. I just don't know what the answer is - I just want people to leave me the fuck alone!

Emeraldshamrock · 20/08/2020 20:37

Answer quickly with a question attached for them "I do yes and how about you" keep it brief most importantly only share something with a colleague if you're comfortable with the whole company knowing what you said, it helps put things in perspective.
Good luck.

JammyHands · 20/08/2020 21:14

@dwiz8 why don’t you actually read what people are saying?

OP, I would deflect as people have suggested. I had one colleague who did this and you very quickly accepted that she didn’t want to talk about personal stuff.

dwiz8 · 20/08/2020 21:34

[quote JammyHands]**@dwiz8* why don’t you actually read* what people are saying?

OP, I would deflect as people have suggested. I had one colleague who did this and you very quickly accepted that she didn’t want to talk about personal stuff.[/quote]
Oh I have read the paranoid ramblings of some on here

Doesn't explain how or why you wouldn't want colleagues knowing what your husband does for a job or where you go on holiday. What else do you talk about?!

TheFuckingDogs · 20/08/2020 21:42

Sounds like maybe a good way of dealing with it could be a bit of self deprecating humour in your specific circumstances (sounds like husband in very high powered job or something?!) but appreciate the whole self deprecating stuff tends to be something that comes naturally or doesn’t! Certainly doesn’t for me!

Original poster

Annon522 · 20/08/2020 21:53

I’m sorry that so many of us have been through this

It’s hard isn’t it especially when people make us feel it’s in our heads and is not happening! I really think more should be done about this. @dwiz8 I’m not going to justify anything to you! I wish I could say what I’m thinking but mumsnet will moderate my post and it will get deleted!

Hope things have / are getting better for the rest of you. That’s what workplace bullies are good at - making us doubt what is really going on until we leave the toxic environment and look back at all the little things that been been said or done.

OP posts:

Verity35 · 20/08/2020 22:07

@dwiz8
Oh I have read the paranoid ramblings of some on here

You sound really nasty dw. Just because you haven’t personally experienced this you feel it’s “paranoid ramblings” you are a very nasty person. Just remember karma, hopefully you will get to personally experience what people are talking about!

I totally can see what everyone is talking about. Less you say to these people the better in my experience.

dwiz8 · 20/08/2020 22:08

[quote Verity35]@dwiz8
Oh I have read the paranoid ramblings of some on here

I totally can see what everyone is talking about. Less you say to these people the better in my experience.[/quote]
How can co-workers know your husbands job and or where you're going on holiday lead to anything sinister

If you take annual leave and people ask, the very normal question of 'where are you going' do you just walk away ignoring them, lie? I just can't understand why people are so odd

Verity35 · 20/08/2020 22:11

@dwiz8 you’ve obviously not read it all or you are not understanding the context. Bullies pick on ANYTHING that is different or they are jealous of. Bullying in workplace making comments that OP doesn’t need to work or the cost of her holiday or baby essentials is not anyone’s business and shouldn’t be gossiping about especially behind her back making her uncomfortable. If something bakes another person uncomfortable then that is bullying.

I have myself experienced toxic workplaces.

StyleandBeautyfail · 20/08/2020 22:20

Those who dont seem to understand what the OP is referring to-its similar to "lovebombing" in a relationship.
They accelerate the "friendly" relationship by over stepping boundaries and pumping someone for information to use against them.
So instead of a colleague relationship developing at a natural pace and getting to know each other gradually its too full on .
Boundaries OP
Look up the Shark cage analogy.

dwiz8 · 20/08/2020 22:20

[quote Verity35]@dwiz8 you’ve obviously not read it all or you are not understanding the context. Bullies pick on ANYTHING that is different or they are jealous of. Bullying in workplace making comments that OP doesn’t need to work or the cost of her holiday or baby essentials is not anyone’s business and shouldn’t be gossiping about especially behind her back making her uncomfortable. If something bakes another person uncomfortable then that is bullying.

I have myself experienced toxic workplaces.[/quote]
I'm not the only person posting here confused as to why anyone needs to lie about their husbands job and questioning the OPs stance on this

It's extremely paranoid to assume everyone is out to get you at every workplace. So much so you need to lie or be intentionally vague about pretty benign stuff

Verity35 · 20/08/2020 22:20

I know it’s not the same thing but I had a part time admin job whilst at university and there was a group of women I worked with. One of them was so well put together, she was so beautiful both inside and outside. The other people in group would always make nasty comments and subtle little things like “must take you ages putting all that slap on your face everyday”. They would laugh all the time at her and she would smile thinking it’s just office chat. They were absolutely vile behind her back too. I really wish I had said something at the time but I was so young I didn’t know better. This type of behaviour is very common. It’s hard to pin point too as you don’t want to come across as looking crazy as the other people could easily have said we were just joking about so and so.

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 20/08/2020 22:33

Be vague. If you can't be vague, lie. Make it the most boring lie, ever. For example, where are you going on holiday this year? Oh, not sure exactly, to the seaside though, DC loves the seaside. Then go off on a tangent about the car being full of sand and a million sea shells that all look the same and don't chips always taste better at the coast? Maybe a random story about seagulls.

They don't need to know that the seaside you are visiting is in Spain. Your husband is a driver for example. They dont need to know that he drives for A list celebrities, they would assume Uber or Black Cabs. Let people assume.

You have no likes or dislikes. No opinion on anything controversial. Oh, I don't really know much about it/I'm not really clued up/I'll eat anything me, long as it keeps still long enough.

Any jokes should be at your own expense so no one can take offence. Be polite and dont get drawn into anything more in depth than the weather.

PinkDaff · 21/08/2020 00:19

I honestly can't believe some of the posters on here (thankfully in the minority) who are disputing the OP s and others awful workplace experiences. Victim blaming much ?

dwiz8 · 21/08/2020 09:32

@PinkDaff

I honestly can't believe some of the posters on here (thankfully in the minority) who are disputing the OP s and others awful workplace experiences. Victim blaming much ?

It's not victim blaming.

It's insane to think everyone you work with is trying to get 'dirt' on you and additionally it's ridiculous to think where you go on holiday constitutes as 'dirt'

cakewitch · 21/08/2020 09:47

I have exactly the same problem where I work. The only consolation I have is that they gossip about everyone, not just me. I'm going back after lockdown, and a great deal of reflecting on this, with exactly the same attitude as you. Tell them nothing.

Snog · 21/08/2020 10:39

@dwiz8 this is a thread about how to avoid being bullied at work, please be sensitive to that

walksonthebeach · 21/08/2020 11:49

What annoys me about the comment your co worker made is about you not needing to work there because of your husbands job! How 1950's of her! What if someone's husband had a high profile job & earned lots of money but he was financially abusive & the wife was trying to get her financial independence to leave him! Some people are so small minded.

I too have been bullied out of a job, I was so anxious & lost all of my confidence that I didn't return to work after maternity leave & gave up my career & now trying to re skill to try get a career back after being at home with kids for over 10 years. I will definitely be keeping things professional when I do go back to work. I also give away too much of myself when I meet people & I think it's because I lack boundaries with pushy people. There is some great advice on here OP.

Best of luck in your new job x

dwiz8 · 21/08/2020 14:59

[quote Snog]@dwiz8 this is a thread about how to avoid being bullied at work, please be sensitive to that[/quote]
It's not a thread to avoid being bullied at work

It might have turned into that but the original question is still paranoid BS

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