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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to come home from work a few times a week?

68 replies

Hopelesslydevoted0 · 20/08/2020 07:20

DH started a new job about 3 weeks ago. The first night he was there they all had a celebratory beer at his workplace. Then the following shift there was a 'staff meeting' after work and it was also just beers. Almost every night since he has stayed behind at work to relax and drink on the decking (decking looks over a beautiful river it all sounds very peaceful). Meanwhile I'm at home with the kids. He had agreed to do part of our toddlers night routine but he's rarely home in time now so I have to do that too. I don't get any social time at all. Thoughts?

OP posts:
Waxonwaxoff0 · 20/08/2020 07:28

My ex husband used to do this. Note that he is my EX husband. YANBU.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 20/08/2020 07:30

Yanbu.

What was he like with helping before he took this job?

Also, how many beers is he having and is he then driving home?

weltenbummler · 20/08/2020 07:34

Time to sit down together and talk and agree some ground rules. Maybe look at your week and identify some evenings that are yours, some that are his and some that you spend as a couple

Original poster
Hopelesslydevoted0 · 20/08/2020 07:38

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Yanbu.

What was he like with helping before he took this job?

Also, how many beers is he having and is he then driving home?

He worked 10am to 10pm before this job, so he was never really in. He has a couple of beers at work and then will sometimes have another when he gets in. He doesnt drive home as the job is a 15 minute walk along the river
OP posts:
JulesCobb · 20/08/2020 07:38

Sounds like he is enjoying the new job so much he is checking himself out of family life. What is he like at the weekends? Do you work?

Calic0 · 20/08/2020 07:43

It’s still early days and he may feel that this is a good way to connect with his new colleagues. But you need to speak to him before it becomes the standard routine. I would be pointing out the the split of downtime has now become uneven and how are you to deal with this. Perhaps he wants to keep the drink in the evening but you get extra time to yourself at the weekends - what do you think would be reasonable?

If part of the thing at the moment is sitting outside enjoying the view, you may find it does a death as we move into autumn / winter anyway, but still worth a conversation.

FippertyGibbett · 20/08/2020 07:44

So when do you get your nights off from the kids if he’s spending almost every night out with his friends ?
Don’t let him kid you that it’s work, it’s not, it’s no different to going down the pub.

Potterpotterpotter · 20/08/2020 07:45

Tell him to get his ass home after work. He can stay one week night and that’s it. Cheeky shit.

CrystalMaisie · 20/08/2020 07:58

Is he an alcoholic?

ineedaholidaynow · 20/08/2020 08:02

Does he work weekends too?

CrowdedHouseinQuarantine · 20/08/2020 08:03

Three weeks?
too much
he is not a single man

5foot5 · 20/08/2020 08:04

I agree with Calic0, this might be something that resolves itself after the "newness" wears off. He presumably wants to get off on the right foot and be part of the team so is taking whatever options there are to network from the start.

However, absolutely should make sure he realizes that this impacts you and that you would like him to look at scaling this back when he feels he has established himself as one of the team.

Original poster
Hopelesslydevoted0 · 20/08/2020 08:05

He is off 2 days a week during the week and works all weekend. He has friends outside of work who he has recently started seeing again

OP posts:
SomeHalfHumanCreatureThing · 20/08/2020 08:06

@Waxonwaxoff0

My ex husband used to do this. Note that he is my EX husband. YANBU.
Same here
Jayaywhynot · 20/08/2020 08:08

I kind of agree with poster that he probably thinks it's a good way to connect with his new colleagues, some companies have a culture of team building through socialising outside of work, he may be worried that he wont fit in he doesn't attend.
However, it's not on that its every night, talk to him and get him to limit it to one or two nights a week, surely his colleagues must understand that he has family to consider

Funkyslippers · 20/08/2020 08:09

Surely there must be others that don't stay every night? eg. parents that need to get to nursery/childminders etc to collect kids?

HooverWhenTheCoastIsClear · 20/08/2020 08:09

Does he need to be there?as in networking?
I'd be livid.
What's he say when you ask him and s occurring?
He can only sit gazing at a river because he has free childcare at home. Otherwise he'd have to come back.

Bizarre these people who have kids then expect others to do all the parenting.

rwalker · 20/08/2020 08:10

It's all new and horrendous starting a new job trying to fit in. You can make him come home but obviously that would make him jelling with work colleagues hard for him.

ineedaholidaynow · 20/08/2020 08:10

I assume he is in hospitality then.

What does he do on his days off?

LannieDuck · 20/08/2020 08:13

What's his hours? Does he go into work later than 9am?

Wondering if you could reset which jobs he's responsible for, so he takes the kids in the mornings instead of the evenings?

He should still come home at a normal time - by staying late he's knowingly dumping his chores on you - but you could try agreeing to split the evenings so you each get 3 nights/wk to do what you please, he gets 3 nights/wk and you have 1 night/wk together?

Angelina82 · 20/08/2020 08:17

Does he spend time with you and the kids on his days off?

Original poster
Hopelesslydevoted0 · 20/08/2020 08:17

@ineedaholidaynow

I assume he is in hospitality then.

What does he do on his days off?

Spot on. Its all men with kids at home or have grown children. The others seem to have grandparents who look after the children while both parents work, or wives who are at home with the kids. I want to go back to work at some point but there isn't anyone who helps me with childcare so I'll be the one rushing home to let the childminder away. Days off are currently uneventful, but he has started going on walks with his non work friends again so I assume he will be doing that on one of his evenings off and I'll get the other.
OP posts:
BurtsBeesKnees · 20/08/2020 08:18

Sounds like a great life for someone who's single with no kids

How exactly does he think this is going to work with a wife and kids? Does he also think he can go and see his mates on his days off too?

Sounds like another bloke who wants the wife and kids status, his child rearing, washing, housework down for him, whilst he acts like a single bloke, still living at home with Mum. Sod that op!

Original poster
Hopelesslydevoted0 · 20/08/2020 08:19

@LannieDuck

What's his hours? Does he go into work later than 9am?

Wondering if you could reset which jobs he's responsible for, so he takes the kids in the mornings instead of the evenings?

He should still come home at a normal time - by staying late he's knowingly dumping his chores on you - but you could try agreeing to split the evenings so you each get 3 nights/wk to do what you please, he gets 3 nights/wk and you have 1 night/wk together?

this is what I would choose, if our relationship was equal. It isn't, I do all the chores/laundry/food shop amd 9f course look after the kids. I wouldnt choose to be domesticated, I would choose to work and have friends but someone has to do it all dont they.
OP posts:
Purplewithred · 20/08/2020 08:27

he’s being a shit father and a shit husband, sorry.

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