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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to come home from work a few times a week?

68 replies

Hopelesslydevoted0 · 20/08/2020 07:20

DH started a new job about 3 weeks ago. The first night he was there they all had a celebratory beer at his workplace. Then the following shift there was a 'staff meeting' after work and it was also just beers. Almost every night since he has stayed behind at work to relax and drink on the decking (decking looks over a beautiful river it all sounds very peaceful). Meanwhile I'm at home with the kids. He had agreed to do part of our toddlers night routine but he's rarely home in time now so I have to do that too. I don't get any social time at all. Thoughts?

OP posts:
VivaMiltonKeynes · 20/08/2020 08:29

@Jayaywhynot

I kind of agree with poster that he probably thinks it's a good way to connect with his new colleagues, some companies have a culture of team building through socialising outside of work, he may be worried that he wont fit in he doesn't attend. However, it's not on that its every night, talk to him and get him to limit it to one or two nights a week, surely his colleagues must understand that he has family to consider
Also agree but it may also be affected by what kind of job it is - sounds like it is long hours and may be one of those where hours in the office are bonus points .Yes I know it's drinking after work .
RiteAid · 20/08/2020 08:30

YANBU. For the first week I would have let it slide as he settled in and got to know people, but three weeks in he should be balancing work with family.

IdblowJonSnow · 20/08/2020 08:39

Who the hell are the 8% who think this is fine? Hes taking the absolute piss. Why doesnt he want to see you and your kids?

Sayitagainwhydontyou · 20/08/2020 08:41

Why the hell do people put up with this shit?

Pogmella · 20/08/2020 08:46

Can you split the week so you get 3 nights ‘off’. I’d book a hobby/class so you’re actually out for at least one. Tell him he needs to be back for it and go enjoy yourself.

Quartz2208 · 20/08/2020 08:55

My thoughts are that you sound unhappy. That you want this to be equal, you both work and you both take on responsibility for your children.

But instead not only is it not equal he uses every opportunity to take time for himself and leave it all to you.

It is unfair OP that you get no social time. And you know it and you know you are unhappy with this.

Starting point - talk to him and take it from there

FortunesFave · 20/08/2020 09:02

This is a big problem for some people working in hospitality. It's part of the culture.

SoupDragon · 20/08/2020 09:03

As it is only 3 weeks into a new job I would let it slide (settling in/networking/fitting in) but I would have a discussion about how it is going to work going forward and it wouldn't be going on forever.

thepeopleversuswork · 20/08/2020 09:09

It's true that some work cultures have a big social culture and an expectation of participation. I've worked in environments like this. But it doesn't have to be every night of the week.
I've worked in some absolutely debauched cultures and even the 20 something singles weren't out every night.
My exH used to do this: insisted that he needed to go for beers every night to "unwind", conveniently missing bath and bedtime etc. I just ran out of road with it eventually and divorced him.
Time to read him the riot act.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 20/08/2020 09:11

YANBU

everythingbackbutyou · 20/08/2020 09:15

My ex would always try to arrange his face into one of sadness and self pity that he would have to stay after work for drinks on a regular basis. He’s so deluded I think a part of him actually believed that he had the raw deal as I juggled 3 dc at home most evenings with dinners and all the rest of it. Pull the other one.

RedHelenB · 20/08/2020 09:16

I voted yabu because it's a new job and presumably he wants to fit in. Obviously it cant continue indefinitely.

VacMan · 20/08/2020 09:18

You may as well be single.

Saracen · 20/08/2020 09:19

YANBU. I wouldn't be too upset about the last few weeks because it's well worth investing some time in developing work relationships in a new job and getting off on the right foot. But now he needs to cut back and pick up his home responsibilities. A few nights a week out with workmates is enough.

Whatever your DP may say, I bet there are very few of his coworkers who are out five nights a week.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 20/08/2020 09:31

I hope he is bringing home a massive salary, OP and then handing it all over to you as you are the one facilitating him this opportunity to do this job and to then regularly have the drinks after work with colleagues. If not, you’re being taken for granted.

You say you want to go back into employment so I would start looking into this. Let him know child care is a shared issue too so he needs to be thinking about what could happen with DC if you end up working as well.

It is early days in his new role but you’re paying the price for this and it isn’t on.

BackwardsGoing · 20/08/2020 09:38

I'd meet him after work with the kids for a few beers. Or just leave the kids with him and go off to meet your friends.

msflibble · 20/08/2020 09:40

He's being a selfish dickhead. Childcare is work, and he's making you do it all.
Tell him you'd like to spend the next week's evenings quaffing beers on a nice terrace somewhere so he'll have to be home every day nice and early to put the wee one to bed.

thenightsky · 20/08/2020 09:47

I could go with him doing this one night per week. Other than that, its a bit cheeky fuckery of him.

If this goes on much longer OP, then remember the deck he is sitting on is only a 15 min walk down the river. Take the kids to him for the end of his shift, and bugger off on your own for an hour or two.

Mylittlepony374 · 20/08/2020 09:53

I like the @thenightsky idea. If he won't come home, take kids to him. Make it an "adventure" for them, they'll think it's great fun.

IceCreamSummer20 · 20/08/2020 09:55

Well if he really wants he can pay for childminders so you can get out every night too.

This is so common. My Ex used to make such a big deal about being home for the child’s bedtime, he would fly in 10 minutes before and wind them up, nightmare. And that was the time he was home, all the rest were socializing while I was stuck with the kids.

CheetasOnFajitas · 20/08/2020 10:00

Can you afford for him to be pissing away his salary on beers every day after work?

TitsOutForHarambe · 20/08/2020 10:09

I would be furious. Don't have anymore kids with him. He clearly sees them as your responsibility.

Greenkit · 20/08/2020 10:26

As it's such a lovely place, wander down with the kids and meet him from work so you can walk home together.

You get to meet his work colleagues as well.

EL8888 · 20/08/2020 10:40

YANBU he’s taking the piss lm afraid. He doesn’t NEED to do this, he WANTS to. I doubt he would be thrilled by you shirking dinner and bedtime. By the way if it’s fine for him to have all this social time and money to spend, then it’s fine for you as well

LannieDuck · 20/08/2020 12:27

I want to go back to work at some point but there isn't anyone who helps me with childcare so I'll be the one rushing home to let the childminder away.

What are his hours (without the socialising)?

Could he do the kiddie morning drop-offs so you can take a job that starts a bit earlier than 9am and finishes early?

Or if he's supposed to be finished by 5pm, would he agree to it 2-3 times a week, and you'd do the others? So you both have set days?

Once you're back in work it'll be much easier to have the argument about housework and childcare.

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