To expect DH to come home from work a few times a week?

[Hopelesslydevoted0]

DH started a new job about 3 weeks ago. The first night he was there they all had a celebratory beer at his workplace. Then the following shift there was a 'staff meeting' after work and it was also just beers. Almost every night since he has stayed behind at work to relax and drink on the decking (decking looks over a beautiful river it all sounds very peaceful). Meanwhile I'm at home with the kids. He had agreed to do part of our toddlers night routine but he's rarely home in time now so I have to do that too. I don't get any social time at all. Thoughts?

there isn't anyone who helps me with childcare
Are they not his children too? Childcare is BOTH your issue.

Look for jobs. You need more independence. Tell him you need to discuss the childcare and how that will work in your new role. And how the household tasks will work.

Not sure why you’re phrasing it as “helping”. They are his children as well

Sorry but this is appalling. I think one or two would be the absolute max for me and the rest of the time I would expect him to be at home taking care of his dad duties. It’s completely unfair that he gets that amount of down time while you are left with the children.

That should say *one or two nights a week

What time does he finish? And what time does he get home?

I agree with other posters that o may have let it go for the 1st week (probably not), but 3 weeks in he's taking the piss.

I would go on an early morning shopping trip on his next day off, then rock up 12 hours later. See how he gets on.

If it's a short walk down the river why don't you go for an evening walk down there so the kids can meet daddy from work & walk home together?

What must his work colleagues think of him hanging around to drink every night knowing he has young children at home? Nip it in the bud now - it's not on.

He'll find his lifestyle difficult to maintain when he has 24/7 care of his DC half the week if you separate because of this.
Remind him of that. You're being made a mug of.

You've become just the nanny for his kids, who he is no longer bothered about seeing. Beer and mates are now his priority, not you or the kids.

Get yourself back to work ASAP. He pays for childcare all the hours he's out.

Once a week, at the max. Does he honestly think this is ok? Have you raised it with him yet?

Thank you all again for the replies and advice. I had already brought this up with him previous to posting, but got a frosty reception hence making the post to see if i was being overbearing. When I seen the response on here I spoke to him again, but rather than being emotional about it like the first time I just laid out the facts and told him to get a grip and get home at a decent hour as its not fair to leave me with everything while he socialises. He's now only staying behind for a bit on weekends. He did explain that there's 3 or 4 others who stay back each night, 2 are older with no kids at home and wives who work later and the other 2 have wives at home who don't work and involved grandparents helping out, so they are all still staying behind most nights depending on who is in work that day.

I’m not sure what the fact that others stay late has to do with anything. And it’s also interesting that he clearly knows full well that the others have no responsibilities at home - he knows a lot about their home lives for new colleagues! - yet he somehow didn’t think to say “sorry guys, lucky you but I’m not in the same boat-I need to get home to the family”. If they know equally as much about his situation they might even be thinking negatively of him for shirking his responsibilities. I know I’d respect a colleague more for doing the right thing by their family than hanging out with me.

I’m intrigued though - what sort of hospitality premises is this where the staff take over the prime drinking spot early evening?

It’s irrelevant what other workers do. He has family responsibilities.

This is annoying but it's a red herring really. You want to go back to work, so you should go back to work, you'll just need to find childcare that will allow you to do so (ie childminder or nursery with decent hours so you can do drops offs and pick ups yourself if you can't rely on him to do his share).

With a selfish man like this who leaves you to do everything, your financial independence is crucial. If he doesn't start pulling his weight, the drudgery and resentment will get to you eventually, and it'll be much easier to leave him (financially, practically and emotionally) if you're already working.

@AnotherEmma

This is annoying but it's a red herring really. You want to go back to work, so you should go back to work, you'll just need to find childcare that will allow you to do so (ie childminder or nursery with decent hours so you can do drops offs and pick ups yourself if you can't rely on him to do his share).

With a selfish man like this who leaves you to do everything, your financial independence is crucial. If he doesn't start pulling his weight, the drudgery and resentment will get to you eventually, and it'll be much easier to leave him (financially, practically and emotionally) if you're already working.

I agree that financial independence is very important, and resentment is a terrible thing that will tear you apart.

It's good that you had this chat OP, but you're not out of the woods yet. I would watch his behaviour very carefully. He clearly sees his children as your responsibility, and seems to want to act like a single man (I'm not suggesting he's unfaithful, I just mean that he is behaving like he has no responsibilities).

If he continues to pull shit like this then I would go back to work full time. Once you have found a job sit down with him and say "what are we going to do about childcare?". Make it very fucking clear that it is a joint responsibility in every single way. You both carry the mental load and financial load, and you both make sacrifices for your child. It should be equal.

Fitting in with a new job is important , I would let it settle and see what happens