when would you expect your dc to move out?

[namechanged8873]

just the title really. not a troll, long time lurker, made account recently and name changed for this

My two sons still at home aged 24 and 28, show no signs of wanting to move out, but saving well. During lockdown, husband had to go into hospital for heart surgery after heart attack. So glad I had them at home, they were a blessing to me then.

collapsed exactly what I thought!

Neighbours two doors down from me have one son, who was in his late teens when we moved in. He was still based there 15 years later (had a nice little black Jag). He's not there now - presumably found a partner or a job too far away, dunno. Not quite sure why this should be seen as a problem.

My oldest sister came back from university and stayed. She's now my dad's carer. This is definitely not a problem (particularly for the rest of us ).

I don't expect either of our two to stay very long - older is going into Engineering, younger wants to be a hotshot lawyer, neither of which is likely to be round here - but if they wanted to I wouldn't see it as a problem.

I would, however, expect both financial and practical contributions to the household, and basic levels of respect and communication...

Strange thing to NC for.

DD can move out whenever she wants to. She is welcome to stay as long as she likes.

I would, however, expect both financial and practical contributions to the household, and basic levels of respect and communication...

Me too. I received financial contributions as and when necessary. I expected them to let me know if they'd be home for meals and what time they'd be back if they were going out late, mainly so the front door was locked but not bolted.

My son will probably not come with us when we move to London - he will be 18. But I'd be happy to have him til he earned enough to support himself which may take a few years as he gets further qualified and established in his field. He's quite anxious for the freedom.
My daughter will likely stay through university as she is likely to go near where we live. Then a shared house or such when she gets a job. But again I'm happy to have them with me until financially able. Both are ambitious, though my son definitely more eager to fly the nest.

When you say "expect" do you mean when do I predict DC will move out, or when will I want them to move out? (I realise that in many cases that will be the same!)

@collapsedhairpin sorry I wasn’t clear. We mean working or actively looking for a job. No need for cardboard boxes no one gets kicked out just contribute or leave it’s simple really

My three young adults have been coming and going since they were 18, depending on what's going on in their lives at the time.

I think DS1 & DS2 (26 & 25) have both finally moved out permanently, but I'm still waiting on DS3 who's 22. He's currently studying, but he's quite comfortable living at home and that's fine with us.

That said, they all know that they will always have a home with DH & me if they ever need it. We've plenty of space and their bedrooms are still there for them.

Whenever he is ready, this will always be his home and he will be welcome to live here for as long as he wishes.

I don’t care, eldest is only here a few nights a month now and youngest will be with us for a long time as she has multiple health problems .

As soon as I left school I started a live-in summer job, crap job and pay but it included crap accommodation and keep .

Our kids did the same. Only one of them was paid, the othes got volunteer jobs abroad. They all included very basic accommodation.

ANY job at all , paid or not gives valuable work experience, something to put on their CV, an employer reference.

Our family rule is if you don’t study or earn then you need to find somewhere else.

Surely if they haven't gone to uni or managed to secure a job they need you/their home more than ever

Mine can stay as long as they want to. One is going to uni (staying at home) and the other is working. I don't take board but she is saving so she can move out eventually. I would rather she stayed at home and saved for a deposit to buy a place then she moved into rented and struggled to get on the property ladder because she couldn't afford to save.

I left at 18 for university, came back each summer, moved back when I graduated at 21.

Moved out at 23, then back in again at 27 when my relationship ended and I couldn't afford to rent anywhere on my own. I then met my husband moved back out again two years later

I paid my way, did all my own laundry, cooked meals and helped out with shopping and housework. I contributed financially when possible but I spent a while working part-time and also paid for driving lessons, the occasional food shop, car insurance and fuel for my own vehicle.

Up to 25 I’d have no issues; over 25, I’d expect financial contributions to the household and some sort of long-term plan e.g., they’re actively saving for a deposit.

Both my kids are NT and perfectly capable of living independent lives, so I’m not expecting to house them indefinitely. Luckily neither seem inclined to stay at home long term, DD (15) can’t wait to go to uni and do her own thing.🤣

Early to mid 20s.

I'd like to always have room for them and welcome them back but DH work means moving every so often- we're here till youngest finsihed A-levels - as now there's exams every year till that point.

DH would already like to move employers but that's difficult till then and would mean every longer commute or leaving away in week again.

As we're currently in a very cheap part of the country with a 4 bed house we may well end up being able only to afford a smaller property in a different location - so if they all wanted back we may encounter some practical space issues.

living away in week again

When they leave for Uni I expect them to basically be on their way. By the end of uni they should be living separately from us. Shared accommodation or whatever. This has always been the plan. The know this.

I moved out at 25 into a private let. I'm now 28 and had an offer accepted to buy a flat. Awaiting mortgage approval so once that's done, I'm sure my parents will be pretty confident that I'm not coming back 😂

I left at 19 for Uni (after spending most of the previous year travelling) and never went back. But I didn't feel welcome.

I do think being forced to be independent did me some good - I'm slightly scornful of uni friends who went straight home to mummy and daddy's, got jobs and then squatted there rent free until they could afford a deposit - stand on your own two feet for heaven's sake, if you're employed you can make do in a shared house or a small flat until you can earn what you want!

Having said that, I do wonder if this pride in what I achieved for myself is rather of necessity since going home was never an option for me. I never went home to visit without my stepmum encouraging me to take more of my stuff away with me - I felt very strongly she wanted me gone for good. I actually have a very good relationship with her now, as equals. Ironically, my half brother (her son) didn't get out of the house or pay his own keep until he was in his mid-twenties, and she sat for that.

I'd like to tread a middle road with my daughter. I want to encourage and enable herto move out once she's an adult, but to always feel that she is welcome and wanted in my house as family, not as a 'guest'. Not too sure how to manage it tbh. I'm hoping if I give her appropriate responsibility and teach her to take pride in her own achievements and a taste for adventure it will happen naturally. If she does need to stay or to return into her 20s, it will have to be on the basis of her making a fair contribution based on her means as another adult member of the family - I'd lose respect for her otherwise and I wouldn't want that to come between us.

I do think a lot of young people are infantilised these days. Times are a lot harder than they were even 15 yrs ago when I was coming up, but I know people in their 20s and even 30s who genuinely feel entitled to live with parents rent free indefinitely, to be given serious financial help with deposits/mortgage payments/tuition fees for postgrad education or vocational training, and most shockingly to me to dictate whether their parents downsize from their 'childhood home' even when they no longer live there! It's a whole different world to what I grew up with and while I (don't think!) I'm bitter, I do feel like I don't know where on earth these kids get the sense of entitlement they have.

@AmICrazyorWhat2 I was the same, couldn't wait to move out! I started packing (well gathering a little box of things) about a year before I moved out!

I do think being forced to be independent did me some good

Yet you have this attitude towards people who didn't do things the same way....

- I'm slightly scornful of uni friends who went straight home to mummy and daddy's, got jobs and then squatted there rent free until they could afford a deposit - stand on your own two feet for heaven's sake, if you're employed you can make do in a shared house or a small flat until you can earn what you want!

I would much rather my DD live at home and save for a deposit than live in a shared house unable to save as easily or quickly.

What you see as 'forced independence' I just see as unnecessary costs whilst saving towards the future. I want to help my DD who is currently saving towards moving out, not hinder her. Despite living in the family home she still manages to be independent. In fact she stepped up during covid and practically ran the house whilst also keeping her full time job. Independence doesn't always come from being alone.

DD moved back in after Uni, moved out for a year to live with her boyfriend and then moved back in for 6 months whilst she was in the process of buying her first house. She was 24 when she moved out permanently. Personally, I would have liked to keep her at home a bit longer

DSD is 24 and moved out to live with her boyfriend about 8 months ago, they are renting. I think until she buys somewhere there is always the chance of her moving back in.

We are looking to downsize but wont do so until DSD has bought a house, just in case.

I assume @MrsOldma hasn’t ever had a child with any health problems or issues . What a horrible attitude anyway that if you aren’t studying or earning enough to pay your way that you are out of the family home . Makes you wonder why some people bother to have children at all .

I'd hope that mine would have moved out by age 25 at the latest. I'm hoping for closer to 21.

As much as I love my children, there will come a point where they have to be adults and my house is far too small for 4 adults to comfortably rub along together!

My DS is at uni and I don’t expect him to want to move back home although he’d be welcome if he had no other option I’d expect him to be self sufficient by then. That’s what I did, left at 18 for uni and never went back.

DD tells me she’s never leaving but she’s only 7