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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sister in law always late

78 replies

Sportymum28 · 19/08/2020 13:09

TL:Dr My sister in law constantly cancels, is late, or just changes plans not even last minute but often an hour or so after they were supposed to arrive. AIBU for being completely sick of this?

My sister in law has a son and so do I and the two boys get on great (mostly). They're about the same age and both only children so really act like siblings a lot of the time. My son in particular loves their son and gets very very excited when we make plans together. BUT I have actually stopped telling my son when we have plans with them up until the point we are actually doing the activity. So if we are planning to have them over to our house I will not tell him until they are literally in our house, because of the way my sister in law acts. Say we have plans for 12 noon: I'll get a message saying "just getting ready" at 12 noon. Right ok. So it's going to be another 40 mins at least until you get here, but you're still in the process of getting ready. So I'll be waiting a full hour for them, unable to go and do something else with the day, and I'll get a message "sorry we can't do today Hun DS doesn't really feel like it". And then everyone else has plans already so we just have to stay at home and if I had told my son he would be disappointed but I've learned not to bother (mostly).

We were going to the zoo the other day. They have hour time slots and we said to them "what time are you leaving?". They said about 20 mins after us because they live closer. Ok no problem. There's no signal all the way there so when we get there I get a message "just leaving". I think oh that must be from a while ago because of lack of signal. No it wasn't they were just leaving. An hour late. They only just made it in time for their time slot and kept us waiting in the zoo for an hour. We had already had lunch and they then decided to get lunch so we had to wait again for them. Then they decide to put on suncream, with zero haste. I said to them "we'll just pop over there to the monkeys while we wait" thinking maybe if we get up and go they'll realise this is ridiculous. Nope. They sat there and chatted for ages. I had to send my son over to say basically are you coming or not?

Right now we've got plans to go out. We were supposed to leave at 12 ish. The journey will take 40 mins. She messaged at 11.20 saying she was getting ready. She messages again at noon saying her and her husband had a bit of an argument and she's still getting ready. If this was a one off it would be ok fair enough, but it's just neverending. To the point where I said to my husband what had happened (he's away) and he said "like clockwork".

What do I do? Am I the asshole for being completely sick of this bullshit? I've been waiting for coming up to two hours for them now. I made the mistake of telling my son so he's going to be disappointed if he doesn't get to see them. Part of me wants to just drive off, go to the place we're going, and not tell them, but then I really would be the asshole. I've had arguments with her in the past when I wasn't completely in the right but I feel like on this I am in the right. But I don't want to ruin the friendship between the boys because I brought up how sick of it am, on the other hand my son is seeing me set an example of "let yourself be walked over". Any ideas?!

OP posts:

AdoptAdaptImprove · 19/08/2020 13:20

With regard to today - just go, and enjoy the time with your DS! don’t let her ruin another day out.

And then you will have to have a conversation. Give her examples as you’ve done here and explain the issues her ridiculousness cause you.

I would tell her that every time she does this in future, you and your DS will go ahead and leave for/begin the activity at the appointed time. You won’t waste your time and enjoyment waiting for them.

If she protests about this meaning her DS misses out, she has two options: be on time, OR you can collect her DS and take him with you.

Stop letting her control your life.

Pittapitta · 19/08/2020 13:22

That is so rude. Stop making plans with her.

ClamDango · 19/08/2020 13:28

Has you dh told her she is rude and not as important to your plans as she likes to think. I wouldn't bother making arrangements with her anymore, just text and say you're taking ds to xxx at 12 on Friday, would be great if they could meet you there. Don't pander to her. Today I would just go out and enjoy yourselves without waiting in for her to deign to turn up.

Trisolaris · 19/08/2020 13:28

Yep, don’t wait. Tell her you will be going on ahead in future. If she whines that her son is difficult etc and sometimes she can’t get him going on time explain that you are having difficulties with your son being disappointed or having to wait so it’s not personal and she can do what she wants but you are equally going to do what is right for your son. Make it clear this isn’t something you are blaming her for or forcing her to change her behaviour, but you are changing your behaviour.

twoshedsjackson · 19/08/2020 13:37

I agree with AdoptAdaptImprove.As attractions gradually re-open, they often stipulate a specific time slot (just got a letter from the British Museum about this) and this could be your way of being firmer about timekeeping without appearing unpleasant. Now that you can't just poll up.......
As in, "Why don't we meet up at the Zoo? I could book XYZ timeslot, if that suits. Looking forward to seeing you both!"
"on my way to the Zoo now, see you soon"
"I've just arrived and our time slot is coming up in ten minutes"
"Don't want to miss timeslot - see you inside?"
"What a shame we missed you......DS loved it! Going round with cousin would have doubled the fun!"
If she protests, sympathise about the traffic, or whatever the excuse is this time, and blame the new regs.

OrigamiOwl · 19/08/2020 13:42

Go to whatever you're supposed to do to day and say you'll meet her there. If she arrives in time great, if not it's her loss.
So letting her walk all over you... She knows you won't pull her up on being late so doesn't see any urgency in sticking to arrangements.

FelicityPike · 19/08/2020 13:44

Give her the time to meet as an hour earlier.
But I would absolutely go on with our day if they’re late.

Chamomileteaplease · 19/08/2020 13:45

I would encourage your son to find another friend.

One who lives closer and who has a more reliable parent.

Nottherealslimshady · 19/08/2020 13:45

Tell her you'll meet her there and go.

Only plan things you can do without them if they dont turn up and get on with it at the time you said.
I.e "we'll all play mini golf at 12pm" whether they're there or not you start playing mini golf at 12. If they turn up while you're on hole 8 then that's their problem.

Redlocks28 · 19/08/2020 13:49

I’d stop making plans with her and go out with friends instead. It doesn’t sound like she’s keen.

SnuggyBuggy · 19/08/2020 13:52

She's showing you with her behaviour that you aren't a high priority so I'd stop making her one

NCParanoia · 19/08/2020 13:59

Fuck that!! I hate flaky people. Its so selfish. I always manage to be on time, even with a toddler and a baby and no car! If it were me I would say something the next time she tried to arrange something "sorry SIL last time I was waiting around for 2hours as you were late, which I found quite frustrating. I don't want to sabotage the relationship between our sons but I don't want to waste another afternoon with DS if you decide to cancel last minute again"

Sunnydaysandsalad · 19/08/2020 14:01

Maybe she needs to see her ds let down to realise what an arse she is. Go out op, leave her or explain to her ds...

sitckmansladylove · 19/08/2020 14:01

I wouldn't organise stuff with her at all.
If you really wanted you could say you are going to be at the zoo Friday (of whatever ) but you are going yourselves as you don't want to be tied down.

Chezacheza · 19/08/2020 14:01

Honestly I’d just stop organising stuff with her. Some people are terminally late!

I love my best friend but I will not meet up with her with the kids as she is always 45-1 hour late. They are just faffers. I used to get ‘sorry hun we had a lazy morning setting off in ten mins’ when I was actually on my way to the place we were meeting at!

Funny enough if we are meeting up for kid free drinks she is at my house before the taxi arrives at mine!

Mix56 · 19/08/2020 14:04

This is totally disrespectful, It is not OK at all.
MY SIL does this, she is late every single time, for everything, so while I don't take it personally, it just means every time its a slap in the face. of how little she actually considers me/anybody.
She has missed international flights (with her OH & 2 guests) because she was wafting about & in spite of everyone else getting jittery clock watching, just wouldn't get on with it. She has invited us for Xmas lunch & not been at home when we arrived. so we sat waiting in the car....
I consider it rude, & we never turn up at a given time now, as there is no point.
I would simply not organise anything now in your place.& tell her you have had a bellyful of her letting your DS down.

onlyk · 19/08/2020 14:08

If you’re planning a day out the max I’d wait is 15 mins and then just go. I’d follow it up with as your running late I’ll meet you there, text me when you arrive. If you keep accommodating her being late she’ll keep on being late.

Deux · 19/08/2020 14:11

With people like this, you just need to crack on with the plans without them, ime. So if you intend to go into somewhere at 2pm and SIL is not there, go in without her.

It’s really disrespectful and rude and says that their time is more important than yours.

My DH can be like this but is much better since I started leaving him behind or not waiting for him.

DeRigueurMortis · 19/08/2020 14:15

I posted before about a couple in our social circle who were always late.

So for example a restaurant booked for 8pm and they'd roll in at 9pm by which time most of the rest of us could have eaten them we were so hungry.

Long story short we (as a group) just got fed up and simply cracked on without them .

If they arrived at a restaurant and we were eating pudding when they arrived then so be it and we'd also then move from the restaurant to a cocktail bar for post dinner drinks without waiting for them. Same again with any other activity - we just left them to it.

We got the odd gripe as in "aren't you going to wait for us" to which the reply was "we all already did when you were over an hour late".

They got the message pretty quickly, proving that they were absolutely capable of being on time but frankly didn't care about messing other people about until it impacted them in return.

I appreciate it's harder re: your son but I think the same principle applies. Do what you were going to do and expect them to catch up with you rather wait for them.

It's incredibly rude behaviour and your right to be cross about it but whilst you keep pandering to it nothing will change.

MabelTheCow · 19/08/2020 14:15

Have you tried broaching the subject with her? How do you think she would react if you explained how it is making you feel?

littlepeas · 19/08/2020 14:16

I have a friend like this - I have put up with it for years as, on balance, the friendship was worth it. I'm fed up with her now though.

I think she may think it's charming. She is well known for it. She was once so late to a children's birthday party that the hosts were giving out party bags when she arrived.

I agree with what everyone else says - just carry on with your plans.

GenderApostate19 · 19/08/2020 14:19

This could be about my SiL ( DH’s sister). Late for everything then puts on a huge song and dance once she does arrive, it’s deliberate, for the attention I assume.
We’re clearing out my late Fil’s house ready to sell, I’ve been round most days for a few hours, she’ll turn up about 3pm, faff about not really doing anything then go through and moan at the stuff I’ve bagged up for the tip and take half of it out 😡
I’ve provided all the boxes/tape/bags, they’re all there ready to use, she spent a whole afternoon emptying out kitchen cupboards but didn’t actually pack up the decent stuff for charity and put the rest in the bin, she either left them out in the side or, even worse, put them back in the fucking cupboard, the amount of chipped/cracked stuff I found when actually packing stuff was unreal!
I’m sick to the back teeth of her. DH has done more than her and he works 12 hour shifts! She and her husband have been furloughed for months.

BlingLoving · 19/08/2020 14:25

Could be both my sister and my SIL. So I totally feel your pain. With SIL (who is worse) we are now vey clear with her: "yes, we'd love to see you but if you can only come after xx time it's not worth it as that's when we'll be starting to wind down etc."

She had a go at DH the other day because she said she'd come walk our dog. When she didn't, I took the dog out. Then they turned up. And her dc were alls ad because they'd been looking forward to it etc etc. He was polite, but pointed out that the dog really needed a walk, and as she hadn't arrived we assumed she wasn't coming and we knew neither of us could take the dog later.

By putting our own boundaries in place and sticking to them, makes it easier....

GrumpyHoonMain · 19/08/2020 14:28

My DB and sil is like this with my sister. It’s a powertrip I think. She doesn’t act that way with me because I won’t wait for her or fail to call her out on it - so if she’s late on purpose she and DN are the only ones that miss out.

MintyMabel · 19/08/2020 14:33

They only just made it in time for their time slot

So they were in time for their time slot.

and kept us waiting in the zoo for an hour.

But you wanted her to come in time for your time slot and wait for you?

If it is causing you a problem, just stop going out with them. It sounds like everything is arranged on your terms, to suit you. I wouldn't turn up to wait whilst you went round the zoo either.

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