Sister in law always late

[Sportymum28]

TL:Dr My sister in law constantly cancels, is late, or just changes plans not even last minute but often an hour or so after they were supposed to arrive. AIBU for being completely sick of this?

My sister in law has a son and so do I and the two boys get on great (mostly). They're about the same age and both only children so really act like siblings a lot of the time. My son in particular loves their son and gets very very excited when we make plans together. BUT I have actually stopped telling my son when we have plans with them up until the point we are actually doing the activity. So if we are planning to have them over to our house I will not tell him until they are literally in our house, because of the way my sister in law acts. Say we have plans for 12 noon: I'll get a message saying "just getting ready" at 12 noon. Right ok. So it's going to be another 40 mins at least until you get here, but you're still in the process of getting ready. So I'll be waiting a full hour for them, unable to go and do something else with the day, and I'll get a message "sorry we can't do today Hun DS doesn't really feel like it". And then everyone else has plans already so we just have to stay at home and if I had told my son he would be disappointed but I've learned not to bother (mostly).

We were going to the zoo the other day. They have hour time slots and we said to them "what time are you leaving?". They said about 20 mins after us because they live closer. Ok no problem. There's no signal all the way there so when we get there I get a message "just leaving". I think oh that must be from a while ago because of lack of signal. No it wasn't they were just leaving. An hour late. They only just made it in time for their time slot and kept us waiting in the zoo for an hour. We had already had lunch and they then decided to get lunch so we had to wait again for them. Then they decide to put on suncream, with zero haste. I said to them "we'll just pop over there to the monkeys while we wait" thinking maybe if we get up and go they'll realise this is ridiculous. Nope. They sat there and chatted for ages. I had to send my son over to say basically are you coming or not?

Right now we've got plans to go out. We were supposed to leave at 12 ish. The journey will take 40 mins. She messaged at 11.20 saying she was getting ready. She messages again at noon saying her and her husband had a bit of an argument and she's still getting ready. If this was a one off it would be ok fair enough, but it's just neverending. To the point where I said to my husband what had happened (he's away) and he said "like clockwork".

What do I do? Am I the asshole for being completely sick of this bullshit? I've been waiting for coming up to two hours for them now. I made the mistake of telling my son so he's going to be disappointed if he doesn't get to see them. Part of me wants to just drive off, go to the place we're going, and not tell them, but then I really would be the asshole. I've had arguments with her in the past when I wasn't completely in the right but I feel like on this I am in the right. But I don't want to ruin the friendship between the boys because I brought up how sick of it am, on the other hand my son is seeing me set an example of "let yourself be walked over". Any ideas?!

Missing out might give her the jolt she needs. Do you know her well enough to point out that she is a poor role model for her son? Is he old enough to realise that Mum is letting him down?
I've never forgotten the distress I saw on a little lad's face when he missed a school trip because he arrived at school so late. The teacher had, of course, built some leeway into timing arrangements, but the bottom line was, it was a large group travelling by train on reserved tickets, and they couldn't leave it any later to leave for the station. He was looked after for the day in my class; he spent most of it weeping. At that age, he had no control over his timekeeping, but I don't know who was learning something the hard way that day.

Life is too short for faffers. as PP said just make plans to do things that you can do without them and get on with it.
see how it goes.

By all means make plans, but you keep to them. When she texts and says just getting ready, say ok, we will be leaving at xx. When she she again and says am on my way, say we are already at yyy or are on our watch tonyyy now, meet you there if necessary go in and do what you want, text her and say we are going in meet you at zzz.

Stop pandering to her

Don't plan anything with her, she sounds like a bit of a drag on any proceedings every time.. She obviously isn't very organised, and has no worries about letting you down at all.

If you wan't to continue with involving her in outings etc, and for your children to spend time together, you should speak to her about her lateness with everything, no matter that she won't like to be told.

You need to put your son and yourself first. The problem is that you are affected by her behaviour but as you’ve always waited for her there have been zero consequences for her. She will only change when she is the one starting to lose out. She doesn’t value your time.

Just make your arrangements and say we'll meet you inside give me a call when you get there (the zoo, park, pool etc.) That way your DC can enjoy the place you are visiting and if and when your SIL turns up they can join in.
I have had a similar issue with relatives turning up late, they are now full aware we WILL carry on without them. The final straw for me was when they were due to arrive at 12 for a 1pm lunch. We just carried on serving and eating lunch as I refused to eat leathery roast beef due to their ignorant time keeping. They arrived as we were eating dessert and looked equally horrified and sheepish. Things have improved since a now 1/2hr is their normal delay.

My time is important and scarce, if anyone takes it upon themselves to waste it, it’s not going to end well. It’s fucking rude.

Just stop making plans with her

I would just speak to her about it, saying that the lateness and last minute cancellations mess up your day, it is disrespectful of you and your time, and you don't want to do it any more. You can say you want the friendship to continue, but not meet up if she does not keep to arrangements, whixch would be sad for both your sons. If she is late after that, don't wait for her but just go ahead. See if this works out, but if not she is too flaky to be a friend, sadly.

MintyMabel it sounds like they booked for the same time slot (it wouldn’t make sense for two people visiting the zoo together to book different time slots!), for example they both booked for the 11am-noon slot, agreed to arrive at 11am, but the SIL turned up at 11.55am. So the SIL did barely make it before the end of the the time slot, but the poor OP had been waiting since 11am.

The “she made us wait for an hour” referred to the SIL spending an hour eating lunch, applying sunscreen and sitting around chatting after they arrived, while the OP and her child wanted to get started looking around the zoo. So the SIL was an hour late then when she did turn up she spent another hour sitting around chatting, so the OP had to wait two hours before they could start going round the zoo which was the point of the trip.

I used to be inclined towards lateness. It was because I always under-estimated how long things would take, and think "I've got time to hang out the washing/change the bed/groom the dog" or whatever before we left, and then found I really hadn't. I've stopped doing that now, because I hate having to rush.

With some people though, I think it's because they think their time is somehow more important than yours, and that it doesn't matter if you're hanging around twiddling your thumb. It's a form of selfishness imo.

I'd tell her that her lateness and last minute changes of plan upset your DS, so unless she starts getting her act together you'll have to stop including her in stuff.

Set a meet up time for an hour earlier knowing that she will be an hour later and arrive for when she does.

Meet up later in the day since she appears to struggle with planning her time/organisation and then you have the morning free.

Turn up late one day and leave her hanging around for you. When she complains say I know it's annoying isn't it.....

She basically doesn't think you are important enough to get there on time and knows you will wait. Stop allowing her to annoy you, change the time to suit and then suggest an hour earlier.

Hate lateness. Some people dont change op. Met my friend last week. She leaves last minute. Dont think traffic is factored in. !! School meetings same running into building. Now I leave later as know I be waiting

I don’t believe in telling her to meet an hour earlier than you actually need to. She’s an adult who can tell the time. The issue here is she doesn’t value or respect you and your time. She shouldn’t need to be tricked into behaving like a normal person.

Does she rock up an hour late for the doctor? Dentist? Hairdresser? Flights for holiday? I’ll bet not, because then there are consequences for her. You need to give her consequences, too, or she won’t ever value your time as much as she does theirs.

I agree with others about putting in some definite rules, “I’ll meet you at so and so at 1200, if you’re not there at 1215 I’ll assume you’re not coming and we’ll go without you”. Ignore all texts saying “on our way”, “getting ready”, so the last communication is from you. Then follow through; leave at 1215. At the moment the inconvenience is all yours. Similarly, if you invite her to yours for say 1200, if she’s not there by 1230 go out and respond to any texts by saying “as you didn’t appear we decided to [another activity], I wasn’t looking at texts as I was doing other things”. Again, ignore all texts giving you a running commentary of her behind-schedule progress. None of this needs to be done angrily, but just consistently. She needs to feel the effect of her lateness and right now you’re absorbing it. Go right ahead and be an “asshole“!

Really OP, don't wait for her ever again. Just go with your son and let her get a clear message that you won't tolerate her flakiness anymore.

I have no idea how you have managed to sustain such patience!! I simply couldn’t put up with that!

If it was me, from now on, I would say, I’m taking DS to the zoo tomorrow at 12, see you there if you want to come- end of conversation, no acknowledging texts she’s on her way or just leaving, wouldn’t care at all. If she turns up she does, and if she don’t well that don’t matter either really.

Next time you organise something could you invite another friend & child as well (preferably one that you know to respect your time), then when SIL is late and you go ahead and do what you planned to do, it a) matters less because you've got someone else to hang out with b) makes her feel more of a tit and left out

I had a friend just like that in my 20's.

Always bloody late for everything. In the end I either lied about what time event started i.e concert started at 8pm, so I'd tell her 7pm, or arranged to meet her in the pub at 630pm, but I wouldn't actually turn up until 730pm, thereby NOT wasting my own time.

She got well annoyed when on the 'blue moon' occasion she actually turned up on time, and I kept her waiting for an hour ! But she couldn't complain much as she'd done it to me so often.

You just need to choose which option will work best for you. Since your outings include your DC, I'd personally opt for the turn up yourself an hour later than you told her to be there by.
That way, you're not kept waiting. If she actually arrives 'on time' for once, it'll do her good to see how it feels, won't it ?

You are being unreasonable expecting her to change.

Next time just go about your day as planned and leave her to turn up and wonder where you are.

For heavens sake, stop making plans with her. She's walking all over you and puts herself in total control of your relationship. She's extremely rude. Cannot stand people like that.

@MintyMabel

They only just made it in time for their time slot

So they were in time for their time slot.

and kept us waiting in the zoo for an hour.

But you wanted her to come in time for your time slot and wait for you?

If it is causing you a problem, just stop going out with them. It sounds like everything is arranged on your terms, to suit you. I wouldn't turn up to wait whilst you went round the zoo either.

We arranged to meet at a time yes and they arrived an hour after that time, we'd then already had lunch and we then had to wait for them to sort out suncream and faff for ages whilst we were still waiting. Yes I tend to expect people to be there at the mutually arranged time but thank you for your "input"

Thanks for all your comments guys. I feel the issue is that many of the times there seems to be some reason that they are actually late such as this time, the issue with the husband, however I'd say maybe 80% of the time it's literally just "we're running late" "DS doesn't feel like it" etc, and so the times when it's legitimate just feels like ok sure whatever. Of course people are late sometimes, life happens, but I don't have a single other friend that this happens with.
I don't really know what to do. I enjoy the friendship and I don't think it's personal because they do it to everyone but at the same time it's just a bit ridiculous.

By making other plans and not accepting lateness you are setting a good example to your DS. Just be consistent and make no exceptions for a while and the message will get through.

@Disfordarkchocolate

You are being unreasonable expecting her to change.

Next time just go about your day as planned and leave her to turn up and wonder where you are.

Hrm yes quite possible. It's an ongoing thing for everyone not just me so yeah maybe I am being unreasonable. 🤷‍♀️