Sister in law always late

[Sportymum28]

TL:Dr My sister in law constantly cancels, is late, or just changes plans not even last minute but often an hour or so after they were supposed to arrive. AIBU for being completely sick of this?

My sister in law has a son and so do I and the two boys get on great (mostly). They're about the same age and both only children so really act like siblings a lot of the time. My son in particular loves their son and gets very very excited when we make plans together. BUT I have actually stopped telling my son when we have plans with them up until the point we are actually doing the activity. So if we are planning to have them over to our house I will not tell him until they are literally in our house, because of the way my sister in law acts. Say we have plans for 12 noon: I'll get a message saying "just getting ready" at 12 noon. Right ok. So it's going to be another 40 mins at least until you get here, but you're still in the process of getting ready. So I'll be waiting a full hour for them, unable to go and do something else with the day, and I'll get a message "sorry we can't do today Hun DS doesn't really feel like it". And then everyone else has plans already so we just have to stay at home and if I had told my son he would be disappointed but I've learned not to bother (mostly).

We were going to the zoo the other day. They have hour time slots and we said to them "what time are you leaving?". They said about 20 mins after us because they live closer. Ok no problem. There's no signal all the way there so when we get there I get a message "just leaving". I think oh that must be from a while ago because of lack of signal. No it wasn't they were just leaving. An hour late. They only just made it in time for their time slot and kept us waiting in the zoo for an hour. We had already had lunch and they then decided to get lunch so we had to wait again for them. Then they decide to put on suncream, with zero haste. I said to them "we'll just pop over there to the monkeys while we wait" thinking maybe if we get up and go they'll realise this is ridiculous. Nope. They sat there and chatted for ages. I had to send my son over to say basically are you coming or not?

Right now we've got plans to go out. We were supposed to leave at 12 ish. The journey will take 40 mins. She messaged at 11.20 saying she was getting ready. She messages again at noon saying her and her husband had a bit of an argument and she's still getting ready. If this was a one off it would be ok fair enough, but it's just neverending. To the point where I said to my husband what had happened (he's away) and he said "like clockwork".

What do I do? Am I the asshole for being completely sick of this bullshit? I've been waiting for coming up to two hours for them now. I made the mistake of telling my son so he's going to be disappointed if he doesn't get to see them. Part of me wants to just drive off, go to the place we're going, and not tell them, but then I really would be the asshole. I've had arguments with her in the past when I wasn't completely in the right but I feel like on this I am in the right. But I don't want to ruin the friendship between the boys because I brought up how sick of it am, on the other hand my son is seeing me set an example of "let yourself be walked over". Any ideas?!

I have a friend like this. I sorted an hours time slot at our local soft play place. She suggested the place and knew what time id booked
I also invited another friend
Other friend and I met up and just got on with it
First friend turned up 40 mins late and was furious that her dc ‘only had 20 mins ‘ of playtime

Consequently now I only go to places with her that don’t have a time slot Like the park or the river

It’s so rude

Yeah, your husband has her right - make plans an hour earlier. Eg tell her 11am when you need her there at 12 noon. That way she gets to be late and you are on time X

tell her 11am when you need her there at 12

Why play games though? Just tell her when you’ll be there and when you’ll leave because you’ll be assuming she’s not coming, and then stick to it. Telling her a different time is just taking on responsibility for her behaviour. She needs to be inconvenienced by her own behaviour, not everyone else while they fiddle around calculating how to get her there on time and resenting it.

Lateness drives me crazy. I have a SiL who is always at least an hour late for family meet-ups . Whenever I go to leave she comments how she's hardly seen me / had chance to talk / do I have to leave so early? One day I will point out that if she'd got there on fucking time we'd have had plenty of opportunity to talk!!

Just be clear with your son when any plans involve his cousin. Say it in a neutral way that also teaches him about the importance of time-keeping. "We are going to the zoo today. I hope that your cousin and aunt will be able to do it with us but if they are running late we won't be able to wait for them."

Tell SIL a specific schedule you are planning to keep - we are arriving at noon - will be having lunch until 1pm and then going to look at the animals. We are on a schedule so won't be able to wait if you are late.

And stick to it every time. She will either make more of an effort or she won't. Most people who are constantly late for friends can still get there in time for trains, planes, school bells, work hours, and court cases.

Just be clear with your son when any plans involve his cousin. Say it in a neutral way that also teaches him about the importance of time-keeping. "We are going to the zoo today. I hope that your cousin and aunt will be able to do it with us but if they are running late we won't be able to wait for them."

I agree with this.

I also would just tell her honestly that I wasn't waiting for her anymore.

I would also put effort in to meeting other children with your ds.

Urg I hate late people

My husband is one of them, for anything work related he is always 1-2 hours early! But at the weekend he can take his sweet time getting ready, causing lots of embarrassment as he makes us all late.

I have had to start telling him we need to leave an hour before we actually need to leave, maybe try that or just don't do anything with her going forwards

I'll be saying I'll meet you there and just start doing what you plan to do. The other option is to say something and hope for the best.

I'm going to give it all some serious thought. I just feel so hurt every time it happens even though I know it likely will happen. I hate disappointing my son because he gets so excited to see this kid he absolutely adores him. When I see my SIL I have a great time, she a lovely person, and I really enjoy her company, but I do feel like the constant plan changing etc is disrespectful. Again though it's not just me they do this to it's everyone. It's also the husband as well so definitely not just on her. It's really hard to keep squashing down how I feel about it but then she'll turn up and say sorry and I feel bad for her, and then let it go, have a nice day, and then it'll just happen again the next time. I have brought it up with them once before and they apologised, but it clearly didn't stick. I'm not someone who enjoys drama or conflict (despite having caused some in the past when I was a lot more immature) so a huge part of me just says let it go, but...

I think I will try very hard to make it so we're arriving separately at places and we meet there and if she's late she's late. And have a word with my son about not expecting them to come. It's very hard to keep lying to him about "not doing anything tomorrow" knowing full well we have plans with them.

Yeah. I’ve recently stopped letting a friend walk over me for similar behaviour.
Time and time again, me and poor DD at a day out she’d been counting sleeps til, waiting and waiting watching a queue get longer and people going in
And same as you: then it’s the sun cream, the toilet, pop to the cash machine, get the food etc etc
They’d arrive and take over all conversation with no regard for what’s going on around them, with tales off whatever it was made them late THIS time.

I think you should say to her that from now on you will meet her in venue because she is always late and it is becoming stressful for you and annoying and disappointing for your excited son

I cut a friend off a few years ago because of this exact issue. It wasn't just the lateness, the plans would change multiple times every time we were due to meet up - the location, the time, the date - and then on the day friend would still turn up absurdly late.

Honestly I don't regret it.

Any pleasure I got from our friendship was always negated by the irritation I felt - and had to push past, to get on with our lunch/dinner/whatever - until it got to the point I realised it wasn't worth it and I saved myself the stress.

At the time I posted what I did on AIBU and was told I was being v U but I don't regret it.

The trick is with flaky people is to set up the activity / day so that you can still have a lovely time if she doesn’t turn up / is late.

So - the zoo. You get there at agreed time and she isn’t there. Wait 5 mins. And then go in. And send a cheery and helpful message “Fred was chomping at the bit to see the lions so we’ve gone in. All fine with getting in - you have to queue up but there are guides for 2m apart and everyone seems very sensible. Text when you get here and we’ll let you know where we are. (Probably still staring at the lions!)”

Her coming round for 12. Make a plan to go out for the morning. Get back at 11:59am. If she arrives at 12 - fine - you’ll be a bit disorganised with lunch but who cares? If she is late - well phew! Time to get things sorted. If she doesn’t turn up - oh well - we had a lovely morning out so nice to have a quiet afternoon at phone.

Never arrange to travel together.

It also works best if you meet her with a group. Then if she is late / doesn’t turn up you get to have a nice time with your friend Lizzie and her son. If she does come then you all have a lovely time together.

YANBU to be annoyed and a bit hurt (though since you say she does this to everyone, I'm sure it's not personal). She's being lazy and selfish. It's really not that difficult to learn that you tend to run late and make sure you give yourself enough time so that you're not keeping people waiting so often.

Since it seems to be a part of her personality, at this point, I doubt that discussing it with her will help, though you could try.

I'd probably start choosing outings where your enjoyment isn't reliant upon SIL turning up at a specific time-- things/places/activities where you and your son can go ahead and start having fun whether or not they're there. (Maybe you shouldn't even tell your son they're coming; let it be a surprise, if they do turn up.)

I'd tell SIL you as your child would love to see them at ABC Place. You'll be there between X and Y o'clock, but you have to leave at Y-- and then do it. If they show up, great. If they don't, you haven't wasted the day, since you were able to have fun on your own.

You could try "lying" to her about the time you'd like to meet. Tell her you want to meet at noon and plan on seeing her at 1 or 2. But then you're still technically waiting around for her-- and she might still cancel.

If having the two children on your own wouldn't be too much of a bother, you could offer to take them both on your own. At least then you might have a fighting chance of controlling the timing, though I wouldn't be surprised if he wasn't ready when you arrived to pick him up!

I dropped a friend who did things like this. She did the whole turning up whenever she felt like vaguely near the time of the meeting and behaved like OP's SIL like faffing and not bothering to catch everyone else up.

I came to realise she was massively self-absorbed. If you didn't do exactly what she did, she'd ditch you. One memorable occasion we met up for a walk that was supposed to take 2 hours. She just kept sitting down for 20-30 minutes at a time, no she wasn't injured or had a hidden disability. She made it last 4 hours. She'd take aaaaaages in museums, unless she didn't like it in which case she'd zip through then bugger off for a coffee or wander off without telling you.

I just don't deal with people like that. They don't change.

@dwiz8 My DH is the same drives me insane! He just faffs. At the point we're supposed to be leaving he starts doing 3-5 tasks that can just wait. There was one memorable instance he decided he needed to do an errand "on the way" to where we were meeting friends, which involved driving 20 minutes in the opposite direction!!!!!
Words were said.

Ok. Stop making plans with her. By all means share your plans, but do not factor her in at all.

Be blunt with her. "SIL I know you want us to do the aquarium on Friday, so I will just meet you there. I'll book for me and Ds, you book for you and yours. It's quite tiresome waiting around for you every time we meet up, so this way DS and I can crack on and you can just see us there whenever you get there"

There are two types of people in the world - punctual people and non-punctual people.

Punctual people show that they value other people’s time by being punctual, and feel they are being disrespected if they don’t get the same back.

Non-punctual people don’t think it’s a big deal if they’re late, and don’t understand why punctual people are so uptight about it because they wouldn’t care if someone else was late.

I’m a punctual person but two of my friends are not... it does annoy me, but I know it’s not intentional, it’s just the way they are.

Its such a bad habit though. Our boss a stickler with time. My friend just laughs it off! I leave later now as she wont be there!!

@JemimaTiggywinkle

There are two types of people in the world - punctual people and non-punctual people.

Punctual people show that they value other people’s time by being punctual, and feel they are being disrespected if they don’t get the same back.

Non-punctual people don’t think it’s a big deal if they’re late, and don’t understand why punctual people are so uptight about it because they wouldn’t care if someone else was late.

I’m a punctual person but two of my friends are not... it does annoy me, but I know it’s not intentional, it’s just the way they are.

But in my experience non punctual people find they can arrive on time for "important" things like business meetings at work (or even getting to work on time), catching a flight, going to a concert they've paid £££ for....

They also strangely get upset if someone is even worse than them and they get left waiting....

The fact they do it to "everyone" isn't a leveller - it's still a sign that everyone else's time is less important than theirs.

@DeRigueurMortis I find non-punctual people can be perfectly on time for some social obligations, and not for others as well "important stuff". It just depends whether you're in their bubble or not. Which is why I stopped arranging stuff with my non-punctual friend. She could be punctual and respectful of some people, but not of others.

@JemimaTiggywinkle

There are two types of people in the world - punctual people and non-punctual people.

Punctual people show that they value other people’s time by being punctual, and feel they are being disrespected if they don’t get the same back.

Non-punctual people don’t think it’s a big deal if they’re late, and don’t understand why punctual people are so uptight about it because they wouldn’t care if someone else was late.

I’m a punctual person but two of my friends are not... it does annoy me, but I know it’s not intentional, it’s just the way they are.

I think some people have a stronger internal sense of time than others, but that almost everyone can learn to be on time if they try. I don't believe that any NT adult is incapable of learning, "OK, it takes me 30 minutes to leave the house, so I will need to allow half an hour plus travel time'.

I am frequently later than I planned for things I am doing alone because I'm overly optimistic about how much I can get done before I leave home. But I am never late for work or to meet a friend, unless something genuine unpredictable happens (e.g. road closed by an accident) because I have taught myself how long I need to get ready.

I also don't agree that non-punctual people are generally relaxed about time. As PPs have said, they are often really intolerant of anyone else being late.

I will never forget discussing commute times with a colleague. Mine was 40 minutes door to desk. Hers was 30 minutes which surprised us as she lives further away...until we discovered hers was 30 minutes of metro (vs 20 minutes for me). She didnt count the time walking from her flat to the metro station. Then from the station to the office, then waiting for the lift and going up (34 floors) and then walking to her desk. As we talked she was open mouthed and exclamed "thats why Im late every morning!"

OP - I agree with PPs. Dont wait for her anymore. Its not fair on you or your son. Your time is worth more than that.

MIL is always late! Lives in anotber country, when we also lived there, I refused to wait for her in the end. DH was the same - when the DSs were little, I just loaded them in my car and went wherever we were going.