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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

More of a WWYD - ear piercing

64 replies

Slimeisevil · 19/08/2020 11:20

Hi all,

Name changed as I’m sure ex DM is on here and don’t want to link any other threads.

I will try to keep it brief but I also want to fill in any areas that may give you more of an insight.

My DD is 8. She has been asking to have her ears pierced since she was 7. I told her to wait a year and see if she still feels the same. She does as she has been asking every month.

Me and her dad split before she was born. He’s a narcissist and just general twat. Emotionally, mentally and financially abusive hence why we aren’t together - a whole other thread I guess.

He sees her every other weekend.

She has mentioned a few times to him that she wants her ears pierced and he seems to be dead against it. Says it will ruin her ears etc etc. Went on to say that I would be a bad mum if I took her and both parents MUST agree and it’s borderline child abuse.

DD asked again yesterday if she could have them done. She is due to call her dad today.

What would you do, get her to mention it? Tell her she can’t have them done yet? Do I just take her to get them done?

Not going to lie I am shitting myself if I do the latter as I would get no end of shit (we have no contact due to police advise) and they keep in touch via a mobile that DD uses purely for this contact. So, DD would hear no end of the comments etc and then she would come home upset etc.

So wise mumsnetters, what would you do?

I am so over feeling like this.

Just to add, he didn’t want to know her the first year of her life, uses her against me, only started paying maintenance a year ago (when I finally had the strength to go through CMS) and even then he misses payments and requests mandatory reconsiderations. Anything to do with him is a huge ball ache and I feel an anxious mess.

OP posts:
BaconsLaw · 19/08/2020 11:23

She's old enough to make up her own mind about her ears.

Though, he will probably punish you by withdrawing child maintenance.

timesareachanging · 19/08/2020 11:23

Missing the point here but why is she contacting him if you have an order against him?

Get her ears pierced. It’s not the end of the world

Original poster
Slimeisevil · 19/08/2020 11:28

@timesareachanging I don’t have a court order against him. I got some legal advice a few years ago and I can’t afford to do the whole court thing.

I started getting threatening notes through the door (after blocking him due to the messages and prank calls just over a year ago) so I contacted the police and there wasn’t enough evidence for them to do anything. They advised that I should continue to block him (there is also a third party that either of us can go through in terms of holidays etc) but I got a PAYG SIM card for DD to keep in touch or call him if she wants to aside from every other weekend visits. She rarely does.

It may seem odd but I just wanted to do that one thing for her and so he couldn’t continue to say that I’m neglectful because I’ve blocked him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Slimeisevil · 19/08/2020 11:29

Thank you both for your replies.

I know I need to get a grip with this but he just makes me feel like I’m useless and I know I’m not. It’s ridiculous.

OP posts:
SendHelp30 · 19/08/2020 11:31

Just take her

Waveysnail · 19/08/2020 11:31

Now isnt the time anyway with starting back to school. I'd revisit just before start of summer hols next year

SendHelp30 · 19/08/2020 11:31

You’re not useless or an abusive mother. He doesn’t even need to know.

RedRumTheHorse · 19/08/2020 11:34

If you can find a place to pierce them with a needle then get them done. If you can't - and it will be hard due to her age - tell her why she can't have them done yet.

It is nothing to do with her father if she gets her ears pierced unless she lives with him part of the time.

TrickyD · 19/08/2020 11:38

Leaving aside the issues with the XP, I would not let an 8 year old have her ears pierced. What next, a tattoo just because she wants one?

Alwaysoutofreach · 19/08/2020 11:43

@TrickyD what a ridiculous statement

Ionacat · 19/08/2020 11:45

Check the rules for PE at her school. At my DDs school (primary) they have to take them out for PE. Hence there is a mad rush to get ears pierced at the beginning of the summer holidays. Some schools will allow you to tape them but your DD will have to be happy and confident to do it by herself as the teacher won’t be able to help.

Annabanana1234 · 19/08/2020 11:45

If she’s seeing him and he’s inappropriate then you need to document it. Is she able to keep a journal of sorts?

I’ve told my dd she can have hers done at 8 as I think that’s old enough to look after them properly. There’s no need for both parents consent and your the resident parent so I say go for it. You can’t let him rule your whole life

Annabanana1234 · 19/08/2020 11:45

@TrickyD be serious you muppet.

ScrapThatThen · 19/08/2020 11:45

I think you protect her by saying you think ear piercing is something it's best if both parents agree on. You have considered it but it's a no for now.

ScrapThatThen · 19/08/2020 11:46

Oh I didn't read it properly that she doesn't have direct contact with him.

TrickyD · 19/08/2020 11:46

Alwaysoutofreach, maybe in your opinion, not in mine.

Sunnydaysandsalad · 19/08/2020 11:49

My dd's were 4 +5 after a year of nagging!
Be prepared for a counter parenting decision like him having her hair cut off..

TrickyD · 19/08/2020 11:50
  • @TrickyD be serious you muppet.* I am serious. As it happens I only have sons who are both adults, but I would not want an 8 year old granddaughter to look tacky and common.
Sunnydaysandsalad · 19/08/2020 11:52

Yeah forgot dd's are now 13 +14 and it's nose /nipples and matching I Love Eminem tattoos...
What a ridiculous statement above!!

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 19/08/2020 11:53

Too young at Primary age to understand the implications of piercing. I’d buy some stick on earrings or fake ones and look at it again in the high school years.

Pipandmum · 19/08/2020 11:55

Where I live the students are not allowed to wear earrings in junior school. Consequently on the last day of Y6 all the girls go in to get their ears done so they have six weeks of summer holiday to heal and then they are allowed stud earrings in senior school.
I was not allowed to get my ears pierced until I was 12, and I was happy to let my daughter get it done at 11. The school policy meant none of her classmates could get it done before so there was no pressure (if there were any who had pierced ears they couldn't wear any jewelry so it was irrelevant).

JustCallMeGriffin · 19/08/2020 11:57

I would encourage your daughter to wait another year for 2 simple reasons:

  1. Covid restrictions mean you haven't been able to properly research the best place for her to have them done because the "guns" are the worst option
  2. It's best to get them done at the beginning of summer holidays so if she needs to remove them for sports/school the holes will have healed up with you around to help make sure there aren't any problems

Explain you understand this means she's disappointed, but no one could predict this was how 2020 was going to look. If she's grown up enough to choose to have her ears pierced, she's grown up enough to understand why waiting a little longer isn't a bad idea.

My 8 year old would understand this.

Potterpotterpotter · 19/08/2020 11:57

Just get it done.

Spied · 19/08/2020 11:59

I'd tell her that I'd allow it but that Dad doesn't agree and he will cause a lot if upset so unfortunately she can't have them done.
Be honest.

AryaStarkWolf · 19/08/2020 12:02

I would take her, 8 is old enough to decide I think. Also, I have never met an adult woman who regretted getting their ears pierced or who's ears were "ruined"

I hate when people get babies ears pierced though

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