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Original poster

WWYD? I need to make decision within 15mins!

59 replies

smilingparakeet · 19/08/2020 08:05

So I'm the NC pp who has popped up before about advice on my messed up family dynamic - DP being NC with my parents who have done some very shitty things in the past (they worked together) and struggle with alcohol in hiding - they've been on their best behaviour with me for a v long time now since they know I just go grey rock otherwise, we have an OK relationship and get on fine.

DP is fine with me seeing them and visiting as the last thing he wants is me cutting off my family but we do not allow sleep overs and I don't leave DCs with them.
I usually just see them in their house and once or twice in the past (pre corona) we've gone out for a meal but never really done anything else.

This morning I'm due to go over and see them and DF called me about 15mins ago and asked if we could do an impromptu day trip to the seaside, him , DM , me and DCs. It's a couple of hours drive.
It's a bit last minute but I don't have anything on and could potentially do it.

I ran it past DP who said he doesn't want to tell me and that I should decide but to make sure I keep an eye on DCs at all times and that he hopes this isn't boundary pushing and won't evolve into them asking for days out just with DCs or any sleepovers. He said he won't be weird with me whatever I decide and he knows how hard it is.
He clearly didn't like the idea, I can tell but he's trying to be impartial. He's gone to work now.
I know it doesn't help that he wanted to go there for the day these holidays but we decided to skip it as we could only do weekends which always seem heaving and he works in the week.

In my head I'm thinking how I haven't done anything with my DM and DF like this for over 6years and they certainly haven't done it with my DCs in the past as they were v young when the fallout happened.
I was planning to spend the whole day with them anyway so I'm not cancelling or changing any plans to do it

But I'm feeling a knot in my stomach and finding the decision making v stressful.
I'm sad for DP for some reason and I'm also a bit sad for my parents.

WWYD in my shoes? Just do it for once so they can have a day out with their DGCs or just spend the day with them at their house as planned?

OP posts:
LiquoricePickle · 19/08/2020 08:07

If you're going to be with them all day anyway I would go to the beach.

Neutral territory, easier to leave if they boundary stomp and maybe just a lovely day for all of you.

Remember that you're in charge and can always say no to anything at any point.

RIPworkingmums · 19/08/2020 08:09

I would go. If it means the kids get the chance to spend a day at the seaside it doesn’t really matter who else is there. It won’t progress to anything else if you don’t let it. Have fun!

PocketClap · 19/08/2020 08:10

What is the right thing for your DCs?

Anniegetyourgun · 19/08/2020 08:11

I think your insides (and your DP's insides) are telling you you're not ready for this. You're probably right that they're pushing boundaries and it will lead to more because "it went so well last time" - you know them best, after all. Giving you such short notice, needing to make your mind up pretty much on the spot, is a sneaky tactic because they suspect you'd say no if you had more time to think up a credible excuse. You don't need an excuse! It is your call. I'd say no tbh (though actually, when I was your age I'd probably have said yes, but regretted it when it was too late to pull out).

Your DP sounds like a treasure.

Home42 · 19/08/2020 08:11

Got to the beach. Enjoy a day out. Deal with any future boundary pushing if it comes up

Tereskova · 19/08/2020 08:11

I'd do the beach. Not for your parents, but for your kids,

ChocoholicMama · 19/08/2020 08:11

I’d make sure you’re driving separately in case you need to make an early exit for any reason and not be reliant on their car. Otherwise, you were going to see them anyway for the day, so might as well enjoy the beach if you can find one that isn’t too busy.

Chickydoo · 19/08/2020 08:12

Can you drive to the beach separately? Then if you are not comfortable you can simply leave when you want

SleepRegression · 19/08/2020 08:12

If you’re independent travelling and you can exit at any point i’d go

MeanMrMustardSeed · 19/08/2020 08:13

Go with your gut. Trust your instincts. You’ll know what do to.

Although you’ve tried to give an overview of the situation, it’s the specifics that are relevant and we don’t know those so can’t really judge what you should do. It sounds like a bit of a knife edge decision.

I hope you have a good day whatever you decide.

willitbetonight · 19/08/2020 08:13

Go.

AriettyHomily · 19/08/2020 08:14

Do the beach, separate cars. It's going to rain most of the day though across a significant part of the U.K.!

FranklySonImTheGaffer · 19/08/2020 08:14

As long as you're the one driving so you can pack the kids in the car and leave if you need to, I'd go to the beach.
There are more distractions, the day will go faster and your dc will be more occupied.

If they push for anything further say an outright no and don't repeat the day out.

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 19/08/2020 08:14

Go to the beach.

Luzina · 19/08/2020 08:14

Drive separately and meet them at the beach. Any problems, then leave

dontdisturbmenow · 19/08/2020 08:14

Hi and have fun. Falls out happen, you have to forgive and move on. Your children deserve good memories with their grand parents.

PaternosterLoft · 19/08/2020 08:14

Would you be in separate cars? So if they do start you can leave.

There's nothing wrong in saying actually it's quite short notice and perhaps next time would be better. Perhaps that's just me not wanting to rush around packing up for quite a different day than I had previously planned for.

Remembering the history though I wouldn't trust that your DF wasn't doing it just to see how high, how quickly you would jump.

Diceroll · 19/08/2020 08:15

Go to the beach.

Original poster
smilingparakeet · 19/08/2020 08:18

We wouldn't be travelling independently but I know they won't do anything I'm not comfortable with.
They don't really do anything like that now TBH it's just I know they have an alcohol problem hence not leaving DCs with them overnight/alone - which to be completely truthful I'm confident they wouldn't jeopardise anything by drinking when they are looking after little ones but I'm just standing by DP in this sense.

It's v last minute as my DF literally thought of it this morning - this is very like him he has always been very spur of the moment leave everything to the last minute person so it's not manipulative just what he's like really.

OP posts:
IncrediblySadToo · 19/08/2020 08:18

I would suggest going somewhere else.

DP wants to go there with the kids, it seems like a double slap around the chops to go there with your parents.

Your gut is telling you this isn't really on. How would you feel about a more local attraction?

I'm not sure if I've read your previous ousts or not, but it seems like a very difficult situation. The fall out was so bad your DP went no contact & you both agree the kids don't go alone & no sleep overs...

But you still semi play happy families with them. Personally I think that over time that'll come between you & your DP (especially as the kids get older & are more vocal about it all)

Macncheeseballs · 19/08/2020 08:18

Go

Miner49er · 19/08/2020 08:18

If you feel you can keep things under your control, go in your own car, and leave if you need to.

Or say you have plans for later on, but will pop over for a cup of tea before they go. I would rather be the organiser of something like this myself, so they have to fit in with my plans, but I am admittedly a control freak!

purpleboy · 19/08/2020 08:18

Go but check the weather I'm not sure it's a beach day!!

Blurp · 19/08/2020 08:19

I'd check the forecast - that might decide for you! Where I am it's not beach weather today!

MeanMrMustardSeed · 19/08/2020 08:21

Wow. A lot of posters blithely saying go to the beach with your parents, which surprises me when your DP is no contact with them for [what you evidently feel are] very good reasons.

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