WWYD? I need to make decision within 15mins!

[smilingparakeet]

So I'm the NC pp who has popped up before about advice on my messed up family dynamic - DP being NC with my parents who have done some very shitty things in the past (they worked together) and struggle with alcohol in hiding - they've been on their best behaviour with me for a v long time now since they know I just go grey rock otherwise, we have an OK relationship and get on fine.

DP is fine with me seeing them and visiting as the last thing he wants is me cutting off my family but we do not allow sleep overs and I don't leave DCs with them.
I usually just see them in their house and once or twice in the past (pre corona) we've gone out for a meal but never really done anything else.

This morning I'm due to go over and see them and DF called me about 15mins ago and asked if we could do an impromptu day trip to the seaside, him , DM , me and DCs. It's a couple of hours drive.
It's a bit last minute but I don't have anything on and could potentially do it.

I ran it past DP who said he doesn't want to tell me and that I should decide but to make sure I keep an eye on DCs at all times and that he hopes this isn't boundary pushing and won't evolve into them asking for days out just with DCs or any sleepovers. He said he won't be weird with me whatever I decide and he knows how hard it is.
He clearly didn't like the idea, I can tell but he's trying to be impartial. He's gone to work now.
I know it doesn't help that he wanted to go there for the day these holidays but we decided to skip it as we could only do weekends which always seem heaving and he works in the week.

In my head I'm thinking how I haven't done anything with my DM and DF like this for over 6years and they certainly haven't done it with my DCs in the past as they were v young when the fallout happened.
I was planning to spend the whole day with them anyway so I'm not cancelling or changing any plans to do it

But I'm feeling a knot in my stomach and finding the decision making v stressful.
I'm sad for DP for some reason and I'm also a bit sad for my parents.

WWYD in my shoes? Just do it for once so they can have a day out with their DGCs or just spend the day with them at their house as planned?

I remember your previous posts. You've made the right call not going to the beach. It would have been a slap in the face to your DP to go, and your father was being cheeky trying to persuade you last minute

They're lucky you are still in contact with them and your DP is right to be wary it's the start of boundary pushing

"They're lucky you are still in contact with them and your DP is right to be wary it's the start of boundary pushing"

Absolutely!

How has your DF taken you declining the invite?

Any level of confusion, unsettled feelings - means you should stop and pay attention to your gut - just like you have this time. Because if you have been brought up by difficult parents you were either regularly manipulated / gas-Lit, silenced, coerced etc so you don’t feel that you deserve to have boundaries or to speak out.

Be careful now not to compensate for making a normal rational decision by FOG and doing something bigger than you would have done to appease them.

Always trust your gut feelings. If they're feeling bad then you listen to it, no matter how illogical you may feel. Trust your gut always.

Hi all so I'm probably going to dissapoint some after my last update.
DF suggested maybe a day next week instead. I called DP to run it past him as he's taking a few days off next week before the school holidays end and I have a day out planned with some friends too.
We talked and he said I should go today but just be careful.
Its not getting in the way of our plans as we've nothing on and he's at work until late. He knows it's hard. And he said he loves me.

So we are on route now...

DCs have had lunch already, I have a backpack full of snacks and I said we can get a McDonald's on the way back as "dinner" so we're not scrambling around trying to find somewhere in the actual town we are visiting.

I will update later whether its been a good or bad idea...

How today goes is neither here nor there with whether it was a good idea.

You are, if I remember correctly, inclined to be codependent with your parents. You end up enmeshed in each others' lives. It's cost you a lot of money, and strained your relationship with your husband. Didn't it affect your living situation at some point?

It's not about whether you can successfully manage an outing, it's about whether they prioritise you're best interests or their own and whether you prioritise theirs or your husbands.

They should never make you choose. They do not value you as an adult and an individual, only as an extension of their family.

So you said no, your DF pushed for another day, you pushed your DP and now you are having the day your parents originally wanted...

So once again your parents get exactly what they want even though your DP made clear he wasn't happy

As soon as your father asked for next week you should have said no on the basis you already have plans. Your boundaries are nowhere near as strong as you think they are

They didn't push for a another day my DF just asked if there's maybe a day next week, I said I'll let him know when I've checked our calendar.
I called DP to run it past him as I knew he was potentially taking some time off and I wasn't going to let anything eat into that.

I didn't mind going since as I mentioned in earlier we've not actually done anything in over 6 years apart from meeting at their house and the one or two meals out.
DP actually ended up saying I should go yesterday rather than try and book anything in next week as this was not in the way of anything and I was planning on seeing them for the day anyway. He knows we've not done anything for a long time and they have never really had a day out with my DCs.

I'm not going to say I'm completely out of the FOG cycle because I don't think I am, I'm a million times better than I was in the past though and keep making small steps.

The day ended up being ok but exhausting. I forgot they tend to bicker in the car about each other's driving / navigating. I forgot how much their way of travelling is different than mine and DPs as they let things stress them out and flap a lot whereas we're the complete opposite.
We drove for 2 hours to spend 2-3hrs on an admittedly lovely beach which was quite ok, got some fish and chips and then another 2hours back and I was actually exhausted. I haven't been this tired since having sleepless nights with baby DCs.
I got home and had a giant cuddle with DP who got the DCs to bed whilst I popped out to the shop for him for a couple of things he needed for lunch. I was asleep pretty much as soon as my head hit the pillow.

New resolution - if we are ever doing anything in the future I'm always taking my car as I cannot be bothered to listen to their exhausting bickering and flapping.

DCs don't know any better and keep talking about having a great day.

I don’t know your back story and only you can decide if what they did, who they are has been been rectified and resolved, forgiven and accepted.

I am glad the day was tolerable and you thought through the options.

The only things that I can see is that you were put on the spot, you traveled in their car against your judgement and you even considered going the following week and disrupting your plans probably because there was some obligation going on.

But you are all through it.

The important bit is what happens next. Is this a new closeness a new level of contact etc. What do you want? The issue is that they could get under the DCs skin - so be careful.

How did their interactions with you go? Was anything different?