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AIBU?

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Original poster

WWYD? I need to make decision within 15mins!

59 replies

smilingparakeet · 19/08/2020 08:05

So I'm the NC pp who has popped up before about advice on my messed up family dynamic - DP being NC with my parents who have done some very shitty things in the past (they worked together) and struggle with alcohol in hiding - they've been on their best behaviour with me for a v long time now since they know I just go grey rock otherwise, we have an OK relationship and get on fine.

DP is fine with me seeing them and visiting as the last thing he wants is me cutting off my family but we do not allow sleep overs and I don't leave DCs with them.
I usually just see them in their house and once or twice in the past (pre corona) we've gone out for a meal but never really done anything else.

This morning I'm due to go over and see them and DF called me about 15mins ago and asked if we could do an impromptu day trip to the seaside, him , DM , me and DCs. It's a couple of hours drive.
It's a bit last minute but I don't have anything on and could potentially do it.

I ran it past DP who said he doesn't want to tell me and that I should decide but to make sure I keep an eye on DCs at all times and that he hopes this isn't boundary pushing and won't evolve into them asking for days out just with DCs or any sleepovers. He said he won't be weird with me whatever I decide and he knows how hard it is.
He clearly didn't like the idea, I can tell but he's trying to be impartial. He's gone to work now.
I know it doesn't help that he wanted to go there for the day these holidays but we decided to skip it as we could only do weekends which always seem heaving and he works in the week.

In my head I'm thinking how I haven't done anything with my DM and DF like this for over 6years and they certainly haven't done it with my DCs in the past as they were v young when the fallout happened.
I was planning to spend the whole day with them anyway so I'm not cancelling or changing any plans to do it

But I'm feeling a knot in my stomach and finding the decision making v stressful.
I'm sad for DP for some reason and I'm also a bit sad for my parents.

WWYD in my shoes? Just do it for once so they can have a day out with their DGCs or just spend the day with them at their house as planned?

OP posts:
MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 19/08/2020 08:21

Drive separately and go to the beach as there is more distractions and stuff for the kids to do.

PrayingandHoping · 19/08/2020 08:25

I wouldn't go....

They've treated your partner so badly he is NC with them, but u still see them without him. Going to a place u know he really wants to go is too much Imo

If this thread was the other way round and a DH was still seeing his parents with the children after they treated his wife badly and then wanted to go somewhere with them the wife really wanted to go there would be an outcry at how badly she was being treated

DDiva · 19/08/2020 08:26

Tbh I dont see the difference between seeing them at home and the seaside. Only you know if you're comfortable with it. I'm not sure why this is pushing boundaries and leading to expectations of them having the DC on their own that's an entirely different thing.

DDiva · 19/08/2020 08:29

In fact being at the beach may distract DC from your parents behaviour, it could actually be a more relaxed environment than their house. It's hard to judge tho without knowing what has caused the problems.

Friendsoftheearth · 19/08/2020 08:30

I would only go if you can drive separately and meet them there for an hour or two.

I would not travel by car with them if they have an alcohol problem or rely on them for anything.

So yes to the beach for an hour or two, but only if you can travel independently. Otherwise no.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/08/2020 08:31

I would go. I would not let them speak badly of your dp. I would do it for your dcs. Perhaps your parents will redeem themselves. Perhaps not. But you will have tried. Children can never have too many people, who love them.

FourDecades · 19/08/2020 08:32

If they have an alcohol issue, are they safe to drive and won't be tempted to "just have one" whilst down there

toomuchpeppapig · 19/08/2020 08:33

How are you getting to the beach? If one of them is supposed to be driving then it would be a no from me.

Friendsoftheearth · 19/08/2020 08:34

The situation in your family must have been pretty serious for this to happen in the first place. I would not be so sure they have changed at all, perhaps on their best behaviour to lure you into a false sense of security.

Your dp is looking out for you and his dc, you have agreed certain boundaries and limits for safety reasons I suspect, and with good reason. I would want to honour my agreements, and anything dropped on you at the last minute will have caused you to feel off balance.

Whenever I have that knot in my stomach it is usually an internal warning system. Listen to it, don't be swept away by quick decisions.
Take your time. The beach will still be there next week, week after when you have weighed this up and had more time to consider things more carefully.

Friendsoftheearth · 19/08/2020 08:36

The very fact you are feeling rushed to make a decision is not good op. Almost like they are trying to catch you off guard. I would be proceed with caution.

picklemewalnuts · 19/08/2020 08:42

No.

You are low/reduced contact for a reason. Your DH had an awful time.

ILoveYou3000 · 19/08/2020 08:45

@smilingparakeet are you the lady whose parents lost an awful lot of money for you and your DH? And you had an issue over Christmas a couple of years back, with them demanding time that your DH was looking forward to after he'd been working his arse off trying to lessen your financial burden?

dramaqueen · 19/08/2020 08:48

No way would I be going. Posters Are advising you to go who have no idea Of how toxic family members can be.

Original poster
smilingparakeet · 19/08/2020 08:49

Thanks everyone.
We're not doing it.

It's a bit last minute, I didn't want a mad rush to get ready/ pack a beach bag and so on and I'm worried about the practicalities of things like getting lunch as I know at the moment everywhere is busy (especially with the eat out to help out running on Wednesdays) and usually places need pre booking. Also same worry for dinner potentially.
To top it off I know how busy UK beaches have been these past few weeks and don't really fancy the stress of it all for a couple of hours on a potentially windy beach in wet sand.
For the record my parents had no way to know me and DP thought about going there ourselves as I really don't tell them much. They've just been before and liked it.

I'm going to suggest maybe a walk as we have plenty of lovely parks and scenic routes around our area, we can bring a few snacks and DCs can have a good run around.

OP posts:
Thecobwebsarewinning · 19/08/2020 08:50

Say no. Do not let your parents hustle you into acting against your own good judgement.

Dozer · 19/08/2020 08:55

You’ve mentioned that you wouldn’t be travelling independently. Given their alcohol issues I’d not want to go anywhere with them doing the driving! Would only go to places you can get to independently.

If it’d be you driving them that’s a PITA!

julybaby32 · 19/08/2020 08:55

I was very worried about you being dependent for transport back on someone with and alcohol problem, so it sounds like you've made a good choice.

Dozer · 19/08/2020 08:57

My alcoholic relative doesn’t drink and drive, to my knowledge, but their alcohol issues nonetheless affect their driving.

Redwinestillfine · 19/08/2020 09:02

I think you did the right thing op. Sounds like they were trying to bounce you.

IdblowJonSnow · 19/08/2020 09:08

If you cant travel separately and with your gut on 'high alert', I wouldn't go.
Would you be in their car? And they have alcohol issues? Um, no!
Why have they sprung this on you? Do it another day when it's not pissing it down.
And go to the seaside with your lovely dh instead!

Friendsoftheearth · 19/08/2020 09:09

Yup good call op.
Go to the beach another day when you have time to work out how you can do so safely.
A snack in a park or coffee will be just as fun for dc.

Maintaining low contact is hard, particularly in the summer when we want to throw caution to the wind, and christmas etc. Recognising the likely flash points and moments of weakness for what they are.

Being bounced into anything is a dangerous path.

Your dp sounds like a really decent person.

IdblowJonSnow · 19/08/2020 09:10

Just seen your update. Good call I think! Enjoy your day.

YorkshireTeaIsTheBest · 19/08/2020 09:22

Good decision.

Don't jump. Think it through. Make sure you have an escape plan and a plan B. I would not from experience go to their house or have them at yours -I learnt this through bitter experience.
On one occassion we were there and my DH at the time (it was his parents) didnt leave straight away. They locked him in the house etc -and it was awful. So no to going to their house. On other occassion they refused to leave my house. Disgusting. I ended up leaving. Somewhere neutral.

oakleaffy · 19/08/2020 09:29

@smilingparakeet

Thanks everyone. We're not doing it.

It's a bit last minute, I didn't want a mad rush to get ready/ pack a beach bag and so on and I'm worried about the practicalities of things like getting lunch as I know at the moment everywhere is busy (especially with the eat out to help out running on Wednesdays) and usually places need pre booking. Also same worry for dinner potentially.
To top it off I know how busy UK beaches have been these past few weeks and don't really fancy the stress of it all for a couple of hours on a potentially windy beach in wet sand.
For the record my parents had no way to know me and DP thought about going there ourselves as I really don't tell them much. They've just been before and liked it.

I'm going to suggest maybe a walk as we have plenty of lovely parks and scenic routes around our area, we can bring a few snacks and DCs can have a good run around.

That sounds very sensible and diplomatic. Well done Flowers
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 19/08/2020 09:33

Good decision.
Everything @ Friendsoftheearth said.
Plus your DP is looking out for you.
Hopefully if they put you under pressure to make a snap decision again it will be easier to sort
I would have big reservations about being driven by someone with an alc prob, esp as it sounds like one of the reasons your dp has gone Nc.

It must be difficult situation for you but even harder for your DP. How about a nice worry free day out with your DP and DCs at the weekend to make up for no beach today

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