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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think alot of women i know have controlling partner's.

56 replies

Maizeyflowers · 19/08/2020 07:30

I've got a friend who is married to a man 10 years older nearly. He's been in her life at least 15 years and they have a child. Buying a house. Everything is ok it seems. She doesn't work anymore (neither do I as my kids are young still) and she doesn't do anything wrong by him. She goes food shopping. Spends time with some of her relatives. Does the house work and school runs. She likes going to a gym to be coached. This stopped in lockdown but she's doing it through apps. We were talking last week and she said her other half was sulking because she had shared some of this personal trainers stuff on her Facebook. She then told me she had popped out to the hairdresser's and asked her sister to watch her daughter. Her husband had been home ten minutes and rang her to ask where she was and was mardy that she wasn't home when he was home. She has often said he wants her in the house cleaning all day.

My sister is another female that is in a realtionship with a bloke who can't do much for himself. Everytime she's on the phone to me he will ring her and she says really panicky oooo I've got to go he's ringing. She has to cook his tea late at night. Get up at 4am to make him food for breakfast before work. She works alongside him for free. She's never entitled to her own time. Her own space. He's actually helpful if we need him. He's not a horrible guy to us. But he's incapable of anything. Won't even make himself a cup of tea. She runs everything by him. She's been sat at my mum's before and he pulls up and the kids have to literally get straight in the car. My parents get upset by it because they say he can go home and my dad bwill drop them off in a little while. But when he's finished he expects everyone to go straight home.

The third is a friend I don't see anymore. She moved away for her partner who was 20 years older and decided he didn't want her to have any friends and he grinding her down until she started a whole life. He used to knock her about too.

I'm not saying everyone is in this situation but it saddens me how many are. I felt so flat for my friend. She does absolutely nothing but look after everyone and she never does anything "fun" like go out for drinks with friends.

I don't go off out leaving my partner and stuff either. But when he's at work he's fine with me going out or visiting people. He doesn't mind if his tea isn't on the table. He can cook pasta and things for himself on the rare time I am not making tea. He always would be ok if I was out doing something. Not that I particularly do anything.

I know women with great partner's too. But it just seems wrong for women to not have the right to potter about abit.

Random rant. But I hope my friend doesn't give up her fitness just because her husband feels insecure about male teachers.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 19/08/2020 07:36

Yes a lot of women are with arseholes. That’s why we have things like women’s aid etc, if there was no need these services wouldn’t exist. To a lesser extent a lot of men are also with controlling women. Arseholes exist everywhere,

However the vast majority of people are not like this, but even the minority makes up a lot of people.

I’ve known two women in abusive relationships and one man. There is also always shades of grey, spectrums of behaviour. People can behave badly at times depending on what goes on in their life at that time.

Humans are not always nice.

Northernparent68 · 19/08/2020 07:38

I would not get overly involved in other people’s relationships, it really is a thankless task listen to people complaining but not ending unhappy relationships.

Mummadeeze · 19/08/2020 07:49

I agree, I know lots of women with controlling partners too including myself. I go out and do my own thing regularly but it causes issues and sulking and me to worry and feel guilty. It is very hypocritical because my partner goes off and does whatever he wants without a second thought. Sometimes he doesn’t even come home over night which I could never do even if I wanted to. I am fed up and would rather be separated but it is logistically very hard and our daughter would suffer so I just try to go with the flow but rebel against the controlling as much as I can within reason. The main thing I don’t like is that my partner can’t be happy for me if I am happy. I have been playing tennis twice a week recently (which only means a couple of hours out of the house) and he has made me feel bad about it. It has been so fun and really improved my happiness level but he has been jealous and weird about it. I can not tell you the amount of different courses he has done though, it is so hypocritical and doesn’t make sense. I also know other friends with controlling partners. My best friend’s partner has got really angry if she makes a minor decision in the house without consulting him for example. She moved a saucepan into a different cupboard once and he had a go at her. I have started to lose faith that any men are worth being in a relationship with! But then I read about really happy people on this forum and I wonder if most women I know have just been unlucky.

Pinkyandthebrainz · 19/08/2020 07:53

Very much agree. But there are abusive men and then there are also women who are too soft and put up with shit.

Splodgetastic · 19/08/2020 07:59

I think it's more common than I realised. My DH's friend doesn't even let his wife do cross stitch and won't have the Internet at home - I was really shocked when she told me that and don't know if it was a cry for help. Then again, most men wouldn't put up with the way I live my life (I've worked away from home for extended periods and so on, which both my family and some friends strongly disapprove of).

IheartJKR · 19/08/2020 08:03

Women are socialised to put the needs of the men in their life below themselves.
How many times have you heard a woman say...

Well he works so hard, he deserves to relax when he gets home?

Well, I can’t earn as much as he does, so it’s important that we support his career as a family.. it’s best for all our future.

He’s such a great dad and provider.

Women do all of the above regardless of wether they are stay at home mothers or working mothers but you never hear them apply the same standards to themselves.

IheartJKR · 19/08/2020 08:04

*above then selves

IheartJKR · 19/08/2020 08:05

sorry about the typos

helpfulperson · 19/08/2020 08:05

I think there are lots of men in relationships with controlling women as well. Unfortunately some people just need to control everything around them and some people put up with up. In my experience it's a fairly even split which way round it is.

LirBan · 19/08/2020 08:07

Yes, in the end, looking back, im glad my x was as bad as he was (and he was controlling in a variety of ways, emotionally, financially, made all the big decisions, all of them) but if he'd only been a little bit controlling, which seems to be average now, id probably still be there putting up with it. Starting threads to vent and referring to him as "D"P
I do hate that. We need new letters. AH springs to mind.

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 19/08/2020 08:09

There do seem to be a lot on MN but maybe that is the nature of forums. In real life I don't know anyone whose partner is controlling although I had a controlling bf many years ago in my teens.

SaintofBats · 19/08/2020 08:11

You seem to have low standards for equal relationships yourself, OP — I mean, you say you never go out by yourself ‘leaving my partner and stuff’, and think it worthy of note that your DP is ok with you socialising when he’s at work, and if his dinner ‘isn’t on the table’ when he gets home.

If this is your ‘normal’, then I’m not that surprised you know several other women in abusive/ unequal relationships. I don’t know anyone who lives like that. (Which is not to say, obviously, that I don’t know anyone in a relationship that is unhappy or problematic, but all my women friends who have children work, in two cases have husbands who’ve been SAHPs when the children were small, share cooking and childcare with their partners, and there’s certainly no dynamic of rushing off when being collected in case DH is kept waiting, bustling around them with cups of tea or in any way having their social or work life dictated by who they’re married to.)

LirBan · 19/08/2020 08:14

Do they carry on being contolling even when they think nobody else would want you. I see now my x was terrified id go out a meet people, better people, a better man. But if i were with him still now 😥😣😨😱😰 i wonder if he would have lost the fear i could do better.

It would still be awful because he also used to believe he was doing me a favour supporting me/not allowing me to work. He'd have more disdain for me, being old, but still wanting to be heard. He hated women.

Roussette · 19/08/2020 08:14

Mummadeeze

What you have typed is completely and utterly alien to me, how on earth do you cope?
What puts your DH's rights, wants and needs above yours? You are both people in your own right and have just as much right to do what you want as your husband. The first thing I would do if it were me, is play tennis four times a week just to start the ball rolling in being an equal in the marriage.

LirBan · 19/08/2020 08:17

@Mummadeeze i know how you cope, you are the strong one. If you leave him, after thr initial adjustment to change and the administrative practicalities which are briefly challenging I know, you will have the freedom to use yr strength for you. Freedom never loses its gloss. A friend who went through exactly what i went through said that to me and it is true. Whatever ups and downs present themselves, freedom never loses its gloss. C

Justbrowsinghere · 19/08/2020 08:18

It’s very much a sexist issue. If the women is dominant/controlling she’s ‘wearing the trousers in the relationship’ or she’s got him ‘well trained’. Often viewed as a positive thing. But when it’s the other way round it is seen as controlling. I know many many many a man who is completely ‘under the thumb’ of their female partners and it also makes me sad that they don’t have autonomy.

Roussette · 19/08/2020 08:19

I know two marriages I suspect are like this.
One is my NDN. He is such a know all, his wife barely says a word, she doesn't go out, he talks over the top of her all the time if she is brave enough to open her mouth, she doesn't drive, he put a stop to that, she basically is a shadow to him. Now, I know I don't know the ins and outs of this marriage (although we see them socially quite a bit) but it is very odd. I try to draw her into conversation but he answers for her.

Another one is someone I've known all my life but we've drifted. They have what I'd call a victorian marriage. I really don't like him (known him for decades) but I do my best to hide it. She has to ask him everything, he is the man of the house, what he says goes, he is in charge. Horrible.

CherryPavlova · 19/08/2020 08:21

I’m sure they are but I know a lot more women who call the shots in their family lives. Usually it’s give and take but on balance, I’d say more of the women made most of the day to day decisions.

JuniperFather · 19/08/2020 08:23

@CherryPavlova

My DW does and proactively wants to, and I am very happy with this.

OP don't get too involved with people's lives. It's not worth it.

popcornlover · 19/08/2020 08:24

No, I don’t think they are. A lot of women I know have a nice leisure life while husband is the breadwinner.

They are controlling the husband by making him work.

Are your controlled friends earners? If not, maybe they should give child care to their husbands and they work. Then they will have control. If your friends want to address this, they need to address the fact their husbands don’t respect them because they don’t work. Hence all the “where are you?” questions. It can’t be a nice feeling if you’re working all day while wifey is watching “Loose Women” and at the hairdressers. Women, step up! Stop being SAHMs!

Original poster

Maizeyflowers · 19/08/2020 08:33

Interesting replies. I think my friends husband is a hypocrite because he goes for camping weekends with his mates at least three times a year. I think he's insecure about the coach who's potientally slightly fitter than him. I've seen the coach. He's average. He's dark haired and tall. Obviously healthy. Facially he's just average. Certainly not a perfect model face. But her husband obviously feels insecure. It just makes you unattractive to behave like that.

I really feel bad for women in this situation. It must be awful not being allowed to do things. When children are involved it's definitely more complex. I agree it will go on with men and women. I suppose I spend most time with females so I don't personally know many men to know about.

To the lady above who suggested I also sound controlled. I said he doesn't expect his tea on the table. I also said he doesn't mind if I'm out. As in I usually cook tea for the kids and us whilst he's at work. But if I'm poorly. Out. Really tired. Believe me he will take over and cook. He's a modern man. He washes pots and Hoover's too. If I said I want to go and do a sport each week or told him I was meeting a friend for food. He would literally not care and ask if I had fun. That's why I made this post. I know alot of women that seem to be banned from going out or going anything without permission. It's horrible. My friends only doing basic things by herself. She's not out meeting people and going wild. She went to a hairdressers in the afternoon for a fringe trim.

OP posts:

Original poster

Maizeyflowers · 19/08/2020 08:34

@popcornlover

I'm sorry but women have a right to stay home with young children. There are many different scenarios. Your comment is annoying. You work so every other women who isn't is lazy? Get an open mind please.

Half of them do work. My friend doesn't watch loose women all day. He doesn't want her back into work. He wants her home cleaning. Cooking.

OP posts:

IheartJKR · 19/08/2020 08:35

@popcornlover

No, I don’t think they are. A lot of women I know have a nice leisure life while husband is the breadwinner.

They are controlling the husband by making him work.

I feel very sorry for your wife or any woman who has the misfortune of having to endure you in anyway.

WellThisWentWell · 19/08/2020 08:35

”Justbrowsinghere

You and I live in a different kinds of realities.

RocketFueler · 19/08/2020 08:38

This isn't my experience at all. I know of some horrible men who control their partners and make their lives a misery, but they are few and far between in my friendship/family circles. I would say that nearly all of my friends and family have a very equal, very healthy relationship with their dps.

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