To think alot of women i know have controlling partner's.

[Maizeyflowers]

I've got a friend who is married to a man 10 years older nearly. He's been in her life at least 15 years and they have a child. Buying a house. Everything is ok it seems. She doesn't work anymore (neither do I as my kids are young still) and she doesn't do anything wrong by him. She goes food shopping. Spends time with some of her relatives. Does the house work and school runs. She likes going to a gym to be coached. This stopped in lockdown but she's doing it through apps. We were talking last week and she said her other half was sulking because she had shared some of this personal trainers stuff on her Facebook. She then told me she had popped out to the hairdresser's and asked her sister to watch her daughter. Her husband had been home ten minutes and rang her to ask where she was and was mardy that she wasn't home when he was home. She has often said he wants her in the house cleaning all day.

My sister is another female that is in a realtionship with a bloke who can't do much for himself. Everytime she's on the phone to me he will ring her and she says really panicky oooo I've got to go he's ringing. She has to cook his tea late at night. Get up at 4am to make him food for breakfast before work. She works alongside him for free. She's never entitled to her own time. Her own space. He's actually helpful if we need him. He's not a horrible guy to us. But he's incapable of anything. Won't even make himself a cup of tea. She runs everything by him. She's been sat at my mum's before and he pulls up and the kids have to literally get straight in the car. My parents get upset by it because they say he can go home and my dad bwill drop them off in a little while. But when he's finished he expects everyone to go straight home.

The third is a friend I don't see anymore. She moved away for her partner who was 20 years older and decided he didn't want her to have any friends and he grinding her down until she started a whole life. He used to knock her about too.

I'm not saying everyone is in this situation but it saddens me how many are. I felt so flat for my friend. She does absolutely nothing but look after everyone and she never does anything "fun" like go out for drinks with friends.

I don't go off out leaving my partner and stuff either. But when he's at work he's fine with me going out or visiting people. He doesn't mind if his tea isn't on the table. He can cook pasta and things for himself on the rare time I am not making tea. He always would be ok if I was out doing something. Not that I particularly do anything.

I know women with great partner's too. But it just seems wrong for women to not have the right to potter about abit.

Random rant. But I hope my friend doesn't give up her fitness just because her husband feels insecure about male teachers.

I don't find that's the case either. The females in my family are very strong willed and aren't controlled by the men in their lives. Same with my friends.

I know two women who have controlling partners and it's awful to watch, especially as I've been in that position myself a long time ago.
I actually know more men who's female partners are controlling (4 off the top of my head) but I wonder if it's because the women are more openly controlling while the men are more secretive about it - ie one of the women has told me to my face that her partner isn't allowed to come to our house because I make her uncomfortable - purely because I knew her partner first (have known him since we were 5, never been anything more than friends and not even close until he became good friends with my DH).

I know a lot more women with 'partners' who were great until children came along then suddenly became incompetent, stating they couldn't cope with the children alone / if they have to provide childcare it is for very limited amounts of time and is usually used as an excuse for not pulling their weight with regards to housework. Again, awful to watch because what it means is that my friends aren't able to go out as much as they'd like and there is a cost to any freedom they may have (1 friend in particular gets 2 hours 'free' each week to go to exercise classes but if she's 1 minute late the 'dp' is on the phone kicking off and on those days she has to go home, put kids to bed, cook her own tea and clean the kitchen because he cant as he had the dc who have essentially sat and watched tv for the hour).

After trying to advise a lot when I was younger, I now say nothing but make sure I'm around if anyone needs anything. It's sad but there really isn't much you can do until people are ready.

It's a structural thing. For millennia, society has conditioned us to believe that the man is the "head of the family" and effectively the boss in the relationship.

Times have changed and many/most women in advanced economies no longer have to put up with being financially controlled but it takes generations for attitudes to catch up with this. Hence lots of men still think that the role of their wife/partner is essentially to be their domestic helpmeet and facilitator. They may not think this at a conscious level but this very much drives the emotional foundations of the relationship. Any woman with too much agency over her own life is a threat.

It's true that there are also some women who become very controlling in relationships. Quite often this is a sub-conscious reaction to a fear that the man will up sticks and leave and is entirely counterproductive.

I wouldn't go as far as popcornlover that all women have an obligation not to be SAHMs as there are circumstances when it works, but I do think any woman in this day and age who bases her financial security on a relationship with a man is an idiot, to be honest.

@popcornlover

No, I don’t think they are. A lot of women I know have a nice leisure life while husband is the breadwinner.

They are controlling the husband by making him work.

Are your controlled friends earners? If not, maybe they should give child care to their husbands and they work. Then they will have control. If your friends want to address this, they need to address the fact their husbands don’t respect them because they don’t work. Hence all the “where are you?” questions. It can’t be a nice feeling if you’re working all day while wifey is watching “Loose Women” and at the hairdressers. Women, step up! Stop being SAHMs!

Some men are happy having their wife at home. When I told my dh I was going to start looking for a new job (after quitting when my youngest was born) he said "What do you want a job for? I work so that you don't have to." He doesn't care if I get a job or not and is happy to support me either way in whatever decision I make. But then he understands that given his working hours making it hard for him to help with the children either at the start or end of the working day (he's out of the house by 5am and returns home anytime between 5-7pm) would make life very difficult for me (where as his life would remain the same) if I were to return to work.

@popcornlover

No, I don’t think they are. A lot of women I know have a nice leisure life while husband is the breadwinner.

They are controlling the husband by making him work.

Are your controlled friends earners? If not, maybe they should give child care to their husbands and they work. Then they will have control. If your friends want to address this, they need to address the fact their husbands don’t respect them because they don’t work. Hence all the “where are you?” questions. It can’t be a nice feeling if you’re working all day while wifey is watching “Loose Women” and at the hairdressers. Women, step up! Stop being SAHMs!

mate what are you actually talking about?!

What's all this about 'earners' - is that all we value? My wife could earn tons if she wanted to. I don't judge her on this because we're adults who took decisions on what's best for our 'team.'

I don't need her to "step up" - she makes her choices. She has limitless potential. She worked for 21 years straight. She will work full time again someday. I don't need her to earn money to respect her.

You're just creating a goady post with 'Loose Women' and hairdressers - that's just silly stuff.

My wife doesn't have a 'nice leisure life'. Her 14 hour day with our DCs is not to be scoffed at. Maybe you should try it sometime, then come back and talk about 'hard work'.

Yes men do seem to be weak with looking after kids in some families. Old fashioned views. My brother in law is a waste of space when it comes to parenting. They paid thouands for IVF. Then when the baby was born he wasn't able to do nappies. High chair cleaning made him sick. So he couldn't do that. Then it moved onto him getting a full time job when his wife is the higher earner. So he was meant to be doing part time childcare and changed his mind. Now he's at the pub everyday and overweight and lazy. Biggest slob I've ever met. Never spends time with his daughter.

I suppose I am lucky to have a modern thinker. But he watched his mum running around after his dad and I think he resents what his dad did to his mum in regards to sitting being waited on even though they both worked. He also smoked and his mum struggled to afford everything with his £400 a month smoking habit.

I hope my friend is ok but It made alarm bells ring that's all. She really doesn't do anything to make him paranoid and she's down because she feels trapped.

I worked for ten years but I've been home for four. Plan to work again in a year or two. I have had to stay home whilst mine are young. Financially that's what's best for us and I'm happy enough. You do what works really.

@JuniperFather

Sending you a virtual high five

@RocketFueler
This is our situation too x

@popcornlover I see you often in threads popping up and making very controversial comments. Perhaps you need a job as opposed to always picking fights on threads and goading people...

@JuniperFather very well said!
What we need is more individuals like you who recognize their partners worth.

Once you know how to spot it it's depressing how often you see it. Have to say it goes both ways though. One of the most controlling people I have ever met is a woman . However I know far less controlling women than I do men and men are able to use their superior physical size and strength to dominate space and control in a way that most women can't, even if they're not being actually violent.

I agree this controlling behaviour is not peculiar to just men. Worst case I knew was another NDN (we seem to pick them). I saw it first hand. She was an abuser.
I used to go for a run in the evenings, without fail I could hear her screaming at her DH with the most foul language. Complete silence from him. After an hour out, I could hear it still going on when I ran back past their house. Also when socially mixing she was vile about him, belittling him at every opportunity. I did my best to support him, not easy. They eventually split up and I had the most awful run in with her, she was actually an evil evil person. He's happy now.

Have two daughter I've been trying really hard to teach them to spot Abusive behaviour of all types.

When I think about my fee male mates there are so many in unequal relationships at best abusive at worst.

I hope I am equipping my girls to be strong in their own right and not tolerate any shit, I think for most women it sneaks up on them. Reading threads on here it starts small and like a frog being boiled only gets noticed too late?

Of course I could be making them undatable

Men control their partner in some ways, women control men in different ways.

Some men and women are more controlling than others.

Some time some freedoms (such as not having to get a job) comes with some ties.

It's pointless to generalise especially on a forum reknown for its sexist biases.

Years ago my SIL told me I needed self assertion classes. I decided to take a stand expecting a row. I couldn’t believe how quickly dh backed off. I remembering dh saying “oh! Alright then” and I thought how ridiculous it had been that I had put up with this bullying for so long. Years have gone by and now and, if anything, I can be a bit of a dictator.

@popcornlover either you are a goady troll (highly likely) or what the actual f*
Women step up- err ok then. Women have already ‘stepped up’ when having their bodies go through pain and in many cases being wrecked to continue the human race. It’s women (vast majority) who stay home with a newborn whilst the partner goes back to a normal day’ at work that he Would have done before baby.
SAHM is stepping up. It’s often giving up your career for the welfare of your children- to be there for them every day. Some women want this and many men actually hugely respect this! For some women not being at home for your kids is ‘not stepping up’

Yes I think a lot are. My dh could've been very controlling if I allowed him. He did start off in the relationship as quite controlling, but I don't believe he ever intended to be. He was just behaving as he watched his dad behave (who is lovely but never lifts a finger with the housework, cooks a dinner etc - traditional breadwinner), who probably behaved as his dad did. It's very ingrained into society and it's not easy completely crushing those ideas.
I'd been in a very controlling and abusive relationship a long time ago, and had spent 6years as a very independent single mum before dh was on the scene and frequently told him where the door was any time he spoke or behaved in a way I didn't feel comfortable with and I managed to grind him down enough that we really are 50/50 in life. I imagine there are many many woman who aren't as strong willed and confident and who bow down and accept it, and men simply behaving in the way they have seen growing up. Hopefully the next generation will be even more equal

Yes it varies from relationship to relationship. I also have a friend that's not really someone I see. We speak loads on messenger and I've met her twice. We ended up having our kids together. She is a sahm because there's nobody to look after the three kids. Youngest is one. Her partner is awful to her about money. she has had two jobs to try please him then he moans about watching the kids and stuff and she had to quit. They have a mortgage together and he's often told her it's not hers.

I think the majority of women have either family to help or they use childcare services to work. But in some cases like mine we are comfortable of one wage and if we both worked it opens up a whole new can of problems like school runs, making tea for the kids, covering sick days and the 13 weeks they don't even go to school. We don't have family to help and we can't afford full time child care in the holidays. It's a headache for us as a couple but our solution works. I've come across nasty comments about sahm too many times without the person wanting to hear the person's individual circumstances.

It does seem men and women get insecure and lack trust when it comes to their partners. I don't get bad vibes from my partner at all. He always involves me and he's just naturally decent. I have had exs in my early 20s that cheated and stuff so I understand some people do cheat. But I think it's sad to have such a lack of trust in a marriage or long term partner.

My friend that moved away for her controlling partner was sadly a victim all her life to nasty men. Sexual assault etc. For seven years I was there for her. Tried to help her. Women's aid tried to help her. She continued to stay in the relationship. She had a fiery side herself and could defend herself. But she clearly was being forced into an isolated world. She used to park her car around the corner from female friends houses so he didn't see her car there. She was punched by him. He threatened her when she was pregnant. He gave her herpes. He demanded sex when she was bleeding from giving birth. She used to say he had her over the bathroom sink every morning. He also Fiddled the system so he could work and live with her but she could still claim. Unattractive and controlling. Hated all her friends. Didn't trust her. Went to some friends houses and threatened them. I have no idea why she ever went down that road at 19 when he was 38 but she did.

My sister just has to manage her partner's moods. He's a diva I think. Only child and never had to lift a finger for himself. (Not the case for all only children) wants what he wants and everyone else has to fit around him.

It saddens me anyway. Traveller men get all the stigma for this sort of thing. But it actually goes on alot in many cultures and communities. It's scarily high.

Why do you only do things when your partner is at work? It sounds like you’re with someone who can’t do things by himself. “If I’m out or ill he can cook pasta” sounds like you so the majority of the work, it sounds like he helps if he really needs to rather than you’re a team and you both share the load, maybe glass houses and stones.

It's interesting that your sister had ended up in a controlling relationship but you haven't. What differences in childhood experiences do you think caused her to seek out that sort of partner?

Women have already ‘stepped up’ when having their bodies go through pain and in many cases being wrecked to continue the human race. It’s women (vast majority) who stay home with a newborn whilst the partner goes back to a normal day’ at work that he Would have done before baby.
SAHM is stepping up. It’s often giving up your career for the welfare of your children- to be there for them every day
This so stereotypical, it's laughable! Yes women give birth but with that comes an experience than no man will experience. How many women would opt to be the one to give birth if there was an option for men to do so? A majority I would expect.

As for men are not affected, of course most fathers are. If anything because they have to cope with sleep deprived, hormonal women who are just very needy, unpredictable and totally different to the woman they knew before.

As for the old 'ive sacrificed my career by becoming a sahm'! Only those who have opted to be one still convince themselves that this true! Women on a career path who care about it either opt not to have kids, or find arrangements to allow them to do so whilst still have children.

Women are very controlling in their own ways. Its interesting how they say that in 80% (or is it 90%), it's the woman in a partnership who makes the decision about house buying ....nothing to do with control at all!

Having been in controlling relationships in the past (and not being aware until afterwards when I was with 'normal' people) I absolutely wouldn't stand for it now that I recognise the feelings it induces in me and the behaviour.

In fact, I think the experience has made me go the other way and I absolutely won't tolerate any shit. Luckily my partner now doesn't give a toss what I do and is supportive and I am the same with him.

I am a feisty woman though and I would be happy being alone rather than being in a relationship like that now. A lot of people aren't however and that makes me sad that they feel stuck dealing with a shitty partner and situation due to confidence primarily.

To the lady above who suggested I also sound controlled. I said he doesn't expect his tea on the table. I also said he doesn't mind if I'm out. As in I usually cook tea for the kids and us whilst he's at work. But if I'm poorly. Out. Really tired. Believe me he will take over and cook. He's a modern man. He washes pots and Hoover's too. If I said I want to go and do a sport each week or told him I was meeting a friend for food. He would literally not care and ask if I had fun. That's why I made this post.

I never said you sounded 'controlled', I said you sound as if you have a low bar for relationship equality yourself, given the way that you appear to find it worthy of note that your husband is OK with you socialising and does housework -- and that you say you are 'lucky to have a modern thinker'. It's depressing that you think that your husband allowing you to go out and participating in childcare and housework is evidence of 'modernity', and that you feel 'lucky' compared to your friends, whose husbands don't 'allow' them to go out, or rape them.

I’m sure they are but I know a lot more women who call the shots in their family lives. Usually it’s give and take but on balance, I’d say more of the women made most of the day to day decisions

There's a big difference between making day to day decisions and controlling.

Day to day decisions: what to eat, where and when to buy clothing for kids, organising social lives etc. All done largely because the other adult in the relationship can't be bothered, doesn't care, is too busy etc. IN this case, the other adult usually just goes along with whatever is planned, usually happy that they get to have a social life/get new clothes etc without having to do any work or effort to make it happen.

Controlling: Partner can ONLY buy these clothes, in these shops, at this cost EVEN if he/she really really actually wants to buy a different item, in a different shop at a different price. OR Permission must be sought for all social events, which can often be cancelled or refused for no apparent reason even if the partner doing the veto has no reason to refuse and/or the event does not effect said person in any way.

As often happens, wifework and the sheer effort of keeping a family on track is so often thrown back at the women as being "controlling" which really really annoys me.

To answer OP's original question, I posted a similar question on here a while ago - at a guess, I know of at least 3 or 4 relationships that I suspect are abusive in some way. There are signs if you look. And I've seen enough people on here who say they can never tell their family or friends about their DH's behaviour because he's so universally loved etc etc and then when they finally do, they discover that their loved ones have been suspicious for years!

From PP CherryPavlova

"I’m sure they are but I know a lot more women who call the shots in their family lives. Usually it’s give and take but on balance, I’d say more of the women made most of the day to day decisions."
I agree with Cherry. We clearly have different friends/family to OP. In my circle mainly females seem to call the shots ( and are arguably more controling - and I do not use that term loosely).