To think alot of women i know have controlling partner's.

[Maizeyflowers]

I've got a friend who is married to a man 10 years older nearly. He's been in her life at least 15 years and they have a child. Buying a house. Everything is ok it seems. She doesn't work anymore (neither do I as my kids are young still) and she doesn't do anything wrong by him. She goes food shopping. Spends time with some of her relatives. Does the house work and school runs. She likes going to a gym to be coached. This stopped in lockdown but she's doing it through apps. We were talking last week and she said her other half was sulking because she had shared some of this personal trainers stuff on her Facebook. She then told me she had popped out to the hairdresser's and asked her sister to watch her daughter. Her husband had been home ten minutes and rang her to ask where she was and was mardy that she wasn't home when he was home. She has often said he wants her in the house cleaning all day.

My sister is another female that is in a realtionship with a bloke who can't do much for himself. Everytime she's on the phone to me he will ring her and she says really panicky oooo I've got to go he's ringing. She has to cook his tea late at night. Get up at 4am to make him food for breakfast before work. She works alongside him for free. She's never entitled to her own time. Her own space. He's actually helpful if we need him. He's not a horrible guy to us. But he's incapable of anything. Won't even make himself a cup of tea. She runs everything by him. She's been sat at my mum's before and he pulls up and the kids have to literally get straight in the car. My parents get upset by it because they say he can go home and my dad bwill drop them off in a little while. But when he's finished he expects everyone to go straight home.

The third is a friend I don't see anymore. She moved away for her partner who was 20 years older and decided he didn't want her to have any friends and he grinding her down until she started a whole life. He used to knock her about too.

I'm not saying everyone is in this situation but it saddens me how many are. I felt so flat for my friend. She does absolutely nothing but look after everyone and she never does anything "fun" like go out for drinks with friends.

I don't go off out leaving my partner and stuff either. But when he's at work he's fine with me going out or visiting people. He doesn't mind if his tea isn't on the table. He can cook pasta and things for himself on the rare time I am not making tea. He always would be ok if I was out doing something. Not that I particularly do anything.

I know women with great partner's too. But it just seems wrong for women to not have the right to potter about abit.

Random rant. But I hope my friend doesn't give up her fitness just because her husband feels insecure about male teachers.

There's a strange attitude to childcare.

I just think they are your children. If you had had them and need to stay home for a few years whilst they are young then that's not an issue and you can't grumble you've given stuff up. The higher earner is usually the male. But not always! So therefore the higher earner returning to work and the other staying home in my view is equal. Ones grafting and working hard to put food on the table. The other is working hard to clean, cook and care fir the children. Ofcourse the worker should also help out around the house. Just as the non worker should be supportive and listen to the worker. Perhaps making a pack up for the worker. But in return the worker can make a cup of tea just like the non worker. It's team playing. It always should be that way. Both shouldn't need permission to do hobbies and things. As long as they don't leave the other trapped home alone several nights a week whilst they are out playing loads of sports and drinking. But time seperatly to do different things is important.

I'm not saying I'm greatful and so lucky he appreciates me. I'm saying we both respect and work as a team. I can go out when he's not working. I don't want to often as I enjoy our time together at the weekends. But there have been times I've met a friend on a Saturday. He's kept the toddler home so I can take the eldest to see a film. I've been to my mum's. He's been too his. My whole point was he doesn't think I should stand at the stove cooking tea. I do it the majority because he's not home at teatime. But he doesn't walk in expecting his to be ready. He either has something in the slow cooker or microwave or he boils himself some pasta or cooks a pizza. He is modern in the sense he has changed nappies. He takes the kids out by himself. He did night feeds. He does not say u work so you can do all the house and garden stuff. He doesn't say it's house or not mine.

Not too sure why my sister is with the lad she's with. Obviously we are different people with different personalities. I was quieter growing up and she was louder. So she's mixed with louder blokes and stuff I suppose. Our parents are married still. My dad does quite abit around the house and does the garden and just retired. My mum's been a routines house wife all her life. She's happy enough. Doesn't have hobbies but that won't be dad stopping her. She's just introverted i think.

There are definitely controlling women as well as controlling men - I have met both, though more male than female so far.

It is worth pointing out, however, that when controlling behaviour starts to escalate, a women is significantly more at risk of physical harm from a man than a man would be from a woman. That's because the average male is 6 inches taller and 2 stone heavier, along with the larger heart / lung size and faster muscle twitch (so faster reactions).

Men commit 90% of all violent crime, 96% of all murders and 98% of all sex crimes. If they want to physically hurt us, they can - they have a huge strength advantage and statistically a greater propensity to violence whether that's against women, children or other men. All of that definitely plays into a controlling dynamic.

I find cases where a small, physically weak woman manages to dominate a big strong man interesting from a psychological perspective, because the element of physical threat isn't there. Somehow this tiny woman ends up totally in control of his mind - how?

I suppose going back to the days when men hunted, protected and people lived in caves it was vital for them to be strong and alpha. It's outdated practice. I read that something like 52% or traveller/gypsy women are in a violent realtionship. They kind of live by old fashioned views on men being above the women. Although I am aware that they are also adapting and changing. I know a couple of non traveller women married to traveller men and they are working and everything. So it's great to see people becoming more equal and living together.

But it seems like it's still a thing in general. I suppose our grandparents stayed together and divorce etc wasn't a thing. So women not that long ago had no way out. But now we are able to get out. I hate to see people wasting their lives in controlling relationships. Even men not liking women going to see female friends.

We can only hope our children learn not to live like it.

So often when reading Mumsnet I think of the old feminist slogan: A woman needs a man likes a fish needs a bicycle.

So true, traveller women need more help because there is less pride in leaving. For a settled woman having put it behind you ends the private shame and allows you to feel proud, autonomous, broke!
But traveller women are less likely to be enveloped in to safe haven of therir female friends' love and affection after they finally leave an abuser, as even their sisters may have been ordered not to talk to her.

I have only rver spoken to one traveller woman who went through this. What his family put her through, omg. She is not even 40.

There needs to be more final support for refuges.

Absolutely true. It's a stricter way of life. I don't mean that with any disrespect either. I'm sure plenty of traveller men are gentleman and do alot for their wives. But sadly many don't. I saw a lady on here weeks ago now with six children wanting to leave a gypsy/traveller but there is no place for her to go. I literally can't imagine how those poor women feel (sorry I'm going off subject now)